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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Booked holiday with DC - ex claiming abduction - AIBU.

181 replies

SimplyMother · 29/04/2024 16:45

Hello all, a co-parent disagreement has arisen with me and ex. I’m worried as my partner is saying my actions may be seen as international abduction.

I told my ex that I’d like to take our child to a North American country for Christmas. I am born there but have been here since youth. It has been mentioned over the few years, and I reminded him if he’d be okay with it in Dec 23, for the next Christmas. As he was okay with it, I had booked the trip in January, and told him recently as it has now been paid off. The holiday is for 3 weeks.

He texted back, “shocked,” and claimed that he never knew that it would be for this year. I said he knew and he said he didn’t remember, and it was never seriously told to him in writing. He expressed discontent with the length, as it would take our then 4 year old out of school for 2 weeks - he claimed that he would’ve given the winter holiday if I asked but I don’t believe it. He also claimed that 3 weeks is too long for an announced country that is my “home country, that isn’t classed as very safe.” He’s saying that as it was booked behind his back, what I’m doing can be classed as international abduction.

He hasn’t threatened me, but says that he is not in agreement. And he says if I go, if there are repercussions with the school, I should deal with it alone. He says that when he asked last month to discuss Christmas 2024, I should’ve brought it up then - I didn’t as it wasn’t paid off yet.

Am I wrong - is it abduction? I plan to return, my life is here.

OP posts:
Tahinii · 29/04/2024 21:54

baileys6904 · 29/04/2024 21:39

You are being completely unfair to your child, let alone the father. Even if you don't give a shit about him, think how your 5 year old will feel not seeing their dad for so long over Christmas, a time where everywhere you look, it's all about family and loved ones.

This isn't about just your feelings anymore, or who's winning, or right. You need to set all that to one side and try and look at the whole situation with neutrality and do what's best for your child. Perhaps making the trip but not over Xmas would be a start

This.

You have prioritised what’s best for you and not your child.

You and the ex are unreasonable!

GrumpyPanda · 29/04/2024 21:59

HollyKnight · 29/04/2024 21:12

You need to tell people the full story here. Your ex planning to move back to his home country in a few years with his wife to raise their family. He wants for your joint daughter to go there during his time with her. You do not want him to take her to his country. You have already cut his contact with her by half. You do not think she should be away from you (despite you spending 10 weeks away from her over the past 4 or 5 months). Meanwhile, while all this arguing is going on, you just happened to fail to tell him that you are planning to take your daughter to North America for 3 weeks? Behave yourself. He has every right to worry about you abducting his child. You have made it very clear that you don't want him having her.

Edited

You mean this is the dude who demanded ALL the holidays? If so, don't think you can blame OP for being a little - but not very - sneaky.

HollyKnight · 29/04/2024 22:08

GrumpyPanda · 29/04/2024 21:59

You mean this is the dude who demanded ALL the holidays? If so, don't think you can blame OP for being a little - but not very - sneaky.

Show quote history

All the holidays? No, it's the bloke she only lets see his daughter once a fortnight. "Sneaky" is an understatement. It's more than a little suspicious that she suddenly wants his permission to take their child to her home country on the other side of the world.

HollyKnight · 29/04/2024 22:10

Especially after many people telling her that the courts might grant him permission to take the child to his country for visitations.

Tahinii · 29/04/2024 22:11

Oh I remember your last post.
you are both using that poor child as a weapon. I have zero respect for either of you.

WorriedMama12 · 29/04/2024 22:14

I think I'm missing something- lots of people saying they wouldn't be happy with the plans and that you were sneaky..

You asked him at Christmas '23 if it was OK if you took your daughter back home for Christmas '24 - he said it was fine. So you booked it. Now he's unhappy. How is it sneaky?

fashionqueen1183 · 29/04/2024 22:19

SimplyMother · 29/04/2024 17:07

I’m sorry but DD is 4 in August 2024 and will be 5 in August 25.

As our child will be 4 when school starts, reception is not compulsory for DD. He’s using the off chance that DD will be “kicked out,” for two weeks of “unauthorised absences,” in favour of a compulsory age child. To me it’s far fetched, and he is overreacting.

@AnneNotEmily @PuttingDownRoots

Edited
Show quote history

He won’t be and you won’t be fined as he won’t be compulsory school age.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 29/04/2024 23:14

HollyKnight · 29/04/2024 21:12

You need to tell people the full story here. Your ex planning to move back to his home country in a few years with his wife to raise their family. He wants for your joint daughter to go there during his time with her. You do not want him to take her to his country. You have already cut his contact with her by half. You do not think she should be away from you (despite you spending 10 weeks away from her over the past 4 or 5 months). Meanwhile, while all this arguing is going on, you just happened to fail to tell him that you are planning to take your daughter to North America for 3 weeks? Behave yourself. He has every right to worry about you abducting his child. You have made it very clear that you don't want him having her.

Edited

Ooo is it THAT poster???

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 29/04/2024 23:28

I thought you were pretty unreasonable anyway
Vague plans mentioned, then an opportunity presented and yet suspiciously ignored until it was at the point you thought he couldn't say no...

Now I realise who you are and I think he has every right to be massively suspicious!

chocolatcha · 30/04/2024 00:12

Ohhhh it's THAT poster?!!

Your bitterness is showing, stop weaponising your child. He's moved on, so should you.

chocolatcha · 30/04/2024 00:15

Plus he was never really an "ex-partner" was he?! Just a fling that led to an unplanned pregnancy you used as leverage, and when that didn't work you are using your child to try and hurt him.

Terrible behaviour.

Behindthescenesnow · 30/04/2024 02:27

Kalevala · 29/04/2024 20:35

I am a bit surprised at suggestions that New Year celebrations equate in any way to Christmas for a 4 year old.

You just do a Christmas family get together and presents a week later. There are twelve days of celebrations anyway.

But OP is away 21 days....

MariaLuna · 30/04/2024 02:38

That's a real shitty thing to do tbh - really sly.

Really? Unless she is planning to abduct her kids there's no slyness about it.

Wonder how much he has been a hands-on parent? I.e. doing 7 days a week 50% parenting.....

Maybe a single mother working just needs a break. And take her kids on holiday.

Bet she'll be back at work and the kids back at school too on return.

MississippiAF · 30/04/2024 02:40

Ohhhh the poster who didn’t like the new baby announcement?

Yeah, no chance this wasn’t on purpose

MariaLuna · 30/04/2024 02:47

Your ex planning to move back to his home country in a few years with his wife to raise their family. He wants for your joint daughter to go there during his time with her.

Over my dead body would I let my ex do this. Yes, it's a Muslim country, no way would I let any of my children move abroad. Neigther a son or a daughter.
The world is on fire right now anyway....

Many women on MN are utterly clueless.

reunite.org

MariaLuna · 30/04/2024 03:04

It's more than a little suspicious that she suddenly wants his permission to take their child toherhome country on the other side of the world.

Why? International relationships are very common nowadays. Her kids have the right to visit their family.

She also has the right to decide her own future with her children on the other side of the world if he is a dead-beat dad and she has her family there.

Most men can't even be bothered paying for their kids in their home town.

You read about it every day on here. Most are chasing a new woman.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 30/04/2024 03:09

Well unless you have a court order allowing it then you do need his permission and going without would be child abduction

exomoon · 30/04/2024 03:48

baileys6904 · 29/04/2024 21:39

You are being completely unfair to your child, let alone the father. Even if you don't give a shit about him, think how your 5 year old will feel not seeing their dad for so long over Christmas, a time where everywhere you look, it's all about family and loved ones.

This isn't about just your feelings anymore, or who's winning, or right. You need to set all that to one side and try and look at the whole situation with neutrality and do what's best for your child. Perhaps making the trip but not over Xmas would be a start

Bullshit, 5yo will be excited to be with her mum and her family.

Just as she will be with her dad and his family on her THREE WEEK holiday with him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/04/2024 03:51

chocolatcha · 30/04/2024 00:12

Ohhhh it's THAT poster?!!

Your bitterness is showing, stop weaponising your child. He's moved on, so should you.

Now I understand...

OP, think about your child.

exomoon · 30/04/2024 03:53

MariaLuna · 30/04/2024 02:47

Your ex planning to move back to his home country in a few years with his wife to raise their family. He wants for your joint daughter to go there during his time with her.

Over my dead body would I let my ex do this. Yes, it's a Muslim country, no way would I let any of my children move abroad. Neigther a son or a daughter.
The world is on fire right now anyway....

Many women on MN are utterly clueless.

reunite.org

Someone’s been drinking the Kool-Aid. It’s not a Muslim country.

Kalevala · 30/04/2024 06:03

Behindthescenesnow · 30/04/2024 02:27

But OP is away 21 days....

Show quote history

Coming back before new year it sounds like if you read their posts. They say the father will have a few days over new year.

Kalevala · 30/04/2024 06:09

He expressed discontent with the length, as it would take our then 4 year old out of school for 2 weeks - he claimed that he would’ve given the winter holiday if I asked but I don’t believe it.

He will still have some days to celebrate New Year’s.

This sounds like the last two weeks of school and the half the Christmas break that the OP already had.

pinkdelight · 30/04/2024 06:38

As our child will be 4 when school starts, reception is not compulsory for DD

I thought that was only about when a child has to start school or not. Surely if she's started school then you've taken a place and made the commitment to attend.

Anyway, I agree your methods were intentionally deceitful and it sounds like there's a ton more backstory behind this, not mentioned so that people would agree with you and slag him off, which has failed.

MrsCarson · 30/04/2024 07:41

Just get a solicitor and get a child arrangement order in place and make sure it says that you can both take the children on holiday abroad and that Dec 2024 they are going to the US for a holiday.
He's just being an ass, He wants to make you miserable, yet he wants to be able to take the kids abroad.

Original poster
SimplyMother · 30/04/2024 08:07

chocolatcha · 30/04/2024 00:15

Plus he was never really an "ex-partner" was he?! Just a fling that led to an unplanned pregnancy you used as leverage, and when that didn't work you are using your child to try and hurt him.

Terrible behaviour.

I’m sorry but I am the one who broke up with him. It wasn’t a fling if we were in a relationship for 4 months.

OP posts:
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