Booked holiday with DC - ex claiming abduction - AIBU.

[SimplyMother]

Hello all, a co-parent disagreement has arisen with me and ex. I’m worried as my partner is saying my actions may be seen as international abduction.

I told my ex that I’d like to take our child to a North American country for Christmas. I am born there but have been here since youth. It has been mentioned over the few years, and I reminded him if he’d be okay with it in Dec 23, for the next Christmas. As he was okay with it, I had booked the trip in January, and told him recently as it has now been paid off. The holiday is for 3 weeks.

He texted back, “shocked,” and claimed that he never knew that it would be for this year. I said he knew and he said he didn’t remember, and it was never seriously told to him in writing. He expressed discontent with the length, as it would take our then 4 year old out of school for 2 weeks - he claimed that he would’ve given the winter holiday if I asked but I don’t believe it. He also claimed that 3 weeks is too long for an announced country that is my “home country, that isn’t classed as very safe.” He’s saying that as it was booked behind his back, what I’m doing can be classed as international abduction.

He hasn’t threatened me, but says that he is not in agreement. And he says if I go, if there are repercussions with the school, I should deal with it alone. He says that when he asked last month to discuss Christmas 2024, I should’ve brought it up then - I didn’t as it wasn’t paid off yet.

Am I wrong - is it abduction? I plan to return, my life is here.

Yes, I forgot to mention it. When the discussion ended, for the reasons outlined above, I thought it wasn’t worth reinitiating conversation.

So when you were discussing plans for Christmas 2024 you "forgot" that you had booked your child's first ever visit back to your home country and that you and her were going to be gone for three weeks? And when you did remember, you decided it wasn't important enough to mention? Nobody believes this.

Yes, I forgot to mention it. When the discussion ended, for the reasons outlined above, I thought it wasn’t worth reinitiating conversation

How convenient, nor did you think it worth a message?

You are not making yourself look less unreasonable

You deliberately didn't mention it but then its because you forgot and then you just decided it wasn't worth mentioning your plans to take DD away for 3 weeks to a country far away?

Bull. Shit.

You knew you hadn't told him and kept the information back until you decided he wouldn't be able to say no as it was all paid and was non-refundable and non-transferable.

I think this whole situation has backfired on you.

You met someone, had a fling, liked him more than he liked you and thought an "accidental" pregnancy might make him marry you and form a family unit.

It didn't work, so you are lashing out at your ex and his new wife at the expense of your child.

Just think about that for a moment, you are using your own daughter as a weapon to hurt the man who spurned you. You need to stop this before it irreparably harms your child.

I would never baby trap anyone. I think it’s speaks to your character - it’s an appalling accusation to make.

This is unnecessarily nasty.

Nobody forgets that they will be taking their child abroad away from the other parent over Christmas smh 🤦🏻‍♀️

Yes loads of children split Christmas but normally one parent gets Christmas and one Boxing Day. Not flying out somewhere else for three whole weeks from the 23rd.

Thats not thinking of your child at all and is purely to spite your ex.

Yes loads of children split Christmas but normally one parent gets Christmas and one Boxing Day. Not flying out somewhere else for three whole weeks from the 23rd.

The ex has asked to fly dd to his country every other Christmas.

Is he also doing it to spite his child?

If every other part of your co parenting also hating your ex because he wouldn’t marry you like ops is?

No answer then.

Pretty sure op would never let him take their child over Christmas for three weeks either knowing her posting history.

But he is taking his dd abroad for 3 weeks for a holiday.

Well it is. If you’re both happy and ok with it then fine. She’s cut his contact down because she’s not happy with him even though it was working. She leaves her child when good and convenient for her but if he actually wants it makes it an issue and deliberately didn’t give him the dates till after she booked non changeable flights.

Also you ex asks op told. Big difference.

I think you’re getting confused. I haven’t talked about me at all. I have only talked about OP.

She’s letting him take dd away for 3 weeks, that’s pretty generous of her.

He discussed it with her FIRST and compromised down from 4 weeks to 3 because of her opinion on 4 weeks

She has booked and planned it without discussion.

I think the fact you were only together for four months before falling pregnant is really relevant here; you don't have a great co-parenting relationship because it wasn't that deep a relationship to begin with, you can't know someone enough after four months to bring up a child together.

I don't mean that to sound harsh, only that there's always going to be issues when having a baby with, in essence, a stranger.

If you're completely, truly honest, are there still lingering romantic feelings for this man? As from the outside that's what it looks like, and may well be how it presents to him and his wife.

As I said, neither of us were aware until 9 months into our relationship. We were friends first.

I am wanting to go to mediation to cut down contact with him. Are these things you do when you want someone back?

You were pregnant five months without realising?!

Look it's your life, it just might help you to be honest about what is really bothering you here.

Your daughter has a chance to have a healthy co-parenting relationship (including being bilingual if her dad is French?!) which will encompass a new half-sibling and what sounds like wonderful travel experiences on both sides of the Atlantic.

She's a lucky little girl.

It’s interesting that you think it’s an appalling accusation, yet you (and your ex) are using your child as a weapon and apparently that’s totally acceptable?!

FWIW, I don’t believe in ‘baby trapping’. I do think some parents use their own child as leverage to punish and get one over on the other parent. It’s sad and unfortunate for your child that both parents are selfish and weaponising her.

My co-parent is now asking for the login for the school admission portal. I explained to him that I use the logins for other things, but he told me to change the password to give him access.

Can I say no, in any legal capacity. It feels as though he wants another way to control.

For context, we wanted to appeal for DD to go to a different local school. The first time round I managed the application on my own.

It's a single user portal attached to your email address, not a joint one.

Direct him to contact the local authority education department and keep saying no.

Yes, he should sort his own. You're not his secretary.