Grandma choosing dog over her grandchild

[If123]

I just need to get a feel if I’m being unreasonable or not. So my daughter is the first grandchild. I have given up my job to look after her as my flexible working request was denied. I have an interview for a really great part time job which would fit around my Fiancés job and mean that we won’t have to pay childcare. My Fiancé is on his stag do which we knew when I found out the interview date. I asked my mum with 2 and a half weeks notice to watch my daughter to allow me to go to the interview. She said this was fine and wouldn’t be a problem. Fast forward to the evening before the interview she let me know at 10pm that she needs to watch my sisters dog so now won’t be able to watch my DD. She basically gave me the option of bringing the dog with her to my house (I’m not sure this was a real option because the dog shreds things and is not trained and I have a lot of wedding bits and pieces about because we are due to get married in June) or for me to drive and pick her up to drop her off at my sisters house (25 mins away) to have to go back for her at the end of the day- I wasn’t sure on this either because of the amount of time it will take me to drive there and back and get to the interview would be cutting it very fine. I feel like she’s prioritising the dog over my child. Am I being unreasonable if I pull her up on it and explain how disappointed I am to be let down last second? I’m considering not going to the interview now because of all the stress it’s causing. If I had been given notice I could have sorted out a different arrangement. Feeling so gutted at the idea that my daughter is second in line to a dog in her own grandmas mind. It completely breaks my heart to think that could be the case.

I would say she’s choosing to help your sister over you rather than a dog over a granddaughter although I appreciate that doesn’t necessarilly make the situation any better. Why is she suddenly having to care for the dog? Is this a usual arrangement? YANBU to be upset as it isn’t reasonable for her to pull out of a commitment to help you at short notice to help your sister instead.

Surely the dog can be by itself for a while? You will definitely have to find better childcare arrangements if you get the job though.

That makes sense actually she does usually pick my sister as the favourite. Basically she does sometimes look after the dog but my sisters boyfriend works from home most of the time and for some reason he’s got to go into work tomorrow so my mum has to have the dog. I could just cry I’m so disappointed.

And you really can't drop them off at your sisters?

No, that's a really shitty thing to do. Your mum should have told your sister she couldn't help because she was already committed. This just gives you a load of running around and stress before an interview which is the last thing you need. I wouldn't be happy

I’d drive to the sisters house if you’d rather the dog wasn’t at yours.
Shes not prioritising she’s just trying to please everyone

Really really shitty of her, OP. I'm going to go out on a limb and assume this isn't the first time she's let you down?

No not the first time she’s let me down, just the first time I’ve relied on her to look after my little one. Usually I don’t expect to much from her because I know she can sometimes be like this. Maybe I’m the fool for hoping she would be different when it came to being reliable for her granddaughter. I’m really struggling being on my own with the little one as my other half has been away on his stag do for the week and I’m completely exhausted. I just feel like this is the icing on the cake. Like she’s got to me when I’m already really struggling. I don’t expect a lot from her and I feel like I’ve asked for one favour and she’s let me down last second. What a fool I am.

The dog could go to your house or you could leave your DD at your sister's house so you're mother could help you and your sister at the same time.

Sorry to hear this. My mum regulary chooses her animals over me and my children, so I know how it feels.

I would say do whatever it takes to get to your interview without being stressed - maybe you have to get up super early tomorrow and driver her to your sisters. get off mumsnet and sleep xxx

She has offered solutions you're just rejecting them because of wedding stuff etc. You all have your priorities. It the job matters, accommodate the dog into plans so she can do your childcare. I don't see how she's getting anything out of any of this except hassle looking after other people's dogs or babies so I wouldn't be too pissed at her. Try to make it work.

Surely you just set off earlier to drop DC with your Mum? That's what I'd do if the job was important to me.

Put all the wedding crap away and dog proof the house and let your mum bring the dog. Ask her to shut it in the kitchen if it’s destructive. Take your dd to your sisters for your mum to look after her. Next time your P wants to go off on a jolly for an entire week say he can’t because that’s a ridiculous amount of time for a solo holiday when you have a young child, stag do or not. Book a sitter for a few hours.

there are ways you could sort this out but it seems like you’re just choosing to just blame your mum instead. Go or don’t go - it’s not her fault if you decide not to and don’t get this new job. Can’t be that important if you’re willing to sack it off just like that without trying!

for some reason he’s got to go into work tomorrow so my mum has to have the dog.

She doesn't have to, she chooses to, over her actual human grandchild.

You know op, there are certain times when you need to sit back and say, "Fuck this, I'm done with you."

This is one of those times. Let this be the very last time you ever allow your mother to disappoint you. I am so sorry. What an absolute twat she is.

The op should allow a destructive dog in her home and around her child? Come the fuck on. The grandmother agreed to watch her grandchild, with ample notice, and has now fucked off the op at nearly the last minute because of a dog. A dog that isn't even hers. That is absolutely fucking bonkers.

If watching your daughter was arranged before agreeing to watch the dog then she is totally out of line. It’s not fair at all to drop you in it at the last minute with an interview on the line. If she was ever unsure about being able to commit to it she should never have agreed.

Can she look after the dog but not at the time of your interview. So dog is not left on its own for too long a period, but she doesn’t look after them at the same time. Most dogs can cope bring in their own for a few hours.

She given you two options which enable her to look after your child and your sisters dog. If you can’t have the dog at your house, then a 25 minute drive to your sisters isn’t much at all and I don’t think it’s a problem.

It sounds like she’s trying to keep both of her daughters happy.

Putting the emotional stuff to one side you want to go to the interview and your mum is the person you want to look after your child. So do what is necessary to achieve that so you can meet your goal of the new job.

on a practical point you can’t rely on your mum to do exactly what she promises so don’t rely on her for important stuff in the future. This doesn’t have to be relationship defining it can be about taking the power back and making sure you have everything you need to get what you want and need. She won’t change so you will have to. And that’s not passive etc - if you change other people either have to change with you or they feel the effects of the change. Here if you don’t rely on her in the future she will end up possibly reflecting on why and change her approach. Possibly not there is no crystal ball. But you need to order your life so you only rely on reliable people. You can still have a decent relationship with unreliable people - but they don’t get to determine how you live your life and you create the relationship with them you want. No drama, no fuss just go about building your life for you and your family.

That's very upsetting, she should have honoured her commitment to you.

It's not very kind of your mother to change the arrangements at the last minute, but yes, the person doing the favour gets to decide the terms on which she does it.

It's a suggestion of a compromise and possible solution. It doesn't sound like Grandma's going to change her mind about looking after the dog.

Just drive your child to your sister’s house and pick it back up when you are done with the interview. 🤷‍♀️

The op should never compromise over the safety of her child. A destructive, poorly trained dog, and a grandmother who prioritises said dog, should be removed from the equation.