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AIBU?

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Original poster

Grandma choosing dog over her grandchild

497 replies

If123 · 28/04/2024 23:09

I just need to get a feel if I’m being unreasonable or not. So my daughter is the first grandchild. I have given up my job to look after her as my flexible working request was denied. I have an interview for a really great part time job which would fit around my Fiancés job and mean that we won’t have to pay childcare. My Fiancé is on his stag do which we knew when I found out the interview date. I asked my mum with 2 and a half weeks notice to watch my daughter to allow me to go to the interview. She said this was fine and wouldn’t be a problem. Fast forward to the evening before the interview she let me know at 10pm that she needs to watch my sisters dog so now won’t be able to watch my DD. She basically gave me the option of bringing the dog with her to my house (I’m not sure this was a real option because the dog shreds things and is not trained and I have a lot of wedding bits and pieces about because we are due to get married in June) or for me to drive and pick her up to drop her off at my sisters house (25 mins away) to have to go back for her at the end of the day- I wasn’t sure on this either because of the amount of time it will take me to drive there and back and get to the interview would be cutting it very fine. I feel like she’s prioritising the dog over my child. Am I being unreasonable if I pull her up on it and explain how disappointed I am to be let down last second? I’m considering not going to the interview now because of all the stress it’s causing. If I had been given notice I could have sorted out a different arrangement. Feeling so gutted at the idea that my daughter is second in line to a dog in her own grandmas mind. It completely breaks my heart to think that could be the case.

OP posts:
DoreenonTill8 · 29/04/2024 07:22

*I don't think it's dog vs child, sounds like your Mum has prioritised your sister's needs above yours.

She'd promised you help first, but has dumped your needs for your sisters.

Your Mum could have prioritised your dc and offered alternatives to your sister, but instead has offered help to your sister and offered you alternatives.*

This. I'm suspicious that its all a bit of a perfect storm, your partner away and you having an interview.....just happens to fall on the same day your sis and partner's routine changes and your mum is needed?..
🤨 I don't know if I could trust her not to prioritise the dog while watching them both. Apologies as that's stress inducing but your mother has been monumentally shit.

Sixpence39 · 29/04/2024 07:24

It's really bad timing for you, but your mum has actually been put in a stressful position of letting down one of her two daughters and is trying to come up with solutions to accommodate you both. Everyone is relying on her as unpaid labour and then someone is going to get annoyed with her on top! If you want free help from her, make it as easy as possible for her and let her bring the dog. Otherwise you're the one causing her stress, by making her 'choose' between daughters.

OpusGiemuJavlo · 29/04/2024 07:24

She's not choosing a dog over her grandchild. She is choosing your sister over you.

Yanbu to be annoyed with her but it's best to know that she can never be relied upon. She won't change.

There will be a babysitting agency - you'll need something like this from time to time so make arrangements now for them to be your default childcare option when you and DP are both needed elsewhere. Keep grandma for fun times visits where she's not being used for childcare and it's no problem when she inevitably cancels at random.

Whaleandsnail6 · 29/04/2024 07:26

I think your mum is trying to help both of you.

I'd just drop lo off at your sister's and leave plenty of time for this so you arent rushing.

Your mum probably feels she could easily look after baby and dog at the same time so probably didnt think it would be an issue saying yes to both

CommentNow · 29/04/2024 07:28

What was the original arrangement?

It comes across like she didn't organise transport and is boxing you into a corner through either poor planning or selfishness.

Kinshipug · 29/04/2024 07:28

FearYeTheDeadlyBisonAndItsToxicYogurt · 29/04/2024 02:18

It's not very kind of your mother to change the arrangements at the last minute, but yes, the person doing the favour gets to decide the terms on which she does it.

Not really a favour then is it?

Neurodiversitydoctor · 29/04/2024 07:31

If123 · 28/04/2024 23:25

No not the first time she’s let me down, just the first time I’ve relied on her to look after my little one. Usually I don’t expect to much from her because I know she can sometimes be like this. Maybe I’m the fool for hoping she would be different when it came to being reliable for her granddaughter. I’m really struggling being on my own with the little one as my other half has been away on his stag do for the week and I’m completely exhausted. I just feel like this is the icing on the cake. Like she’s got to me when I’m already really struggling. I don’t expect a lot from her and I feel like I’ve asked for one favour and she’s let me down last second. What a fool I am.

Your DP is completely unreasonable going off on a week long stag do with a young child at home. Drop your daughter to your sisters' this interview is important.

Samlewis96 · 29/04/2024 07:33

sashh · 29/04/2024 06:29

Contact the place you are interviewing at and let them know your childcare has fallen through and you have to bring her with you or rearrange the interview.

Well that's one way to guarantee not getting the job

DoreenonTill8 · 29/04/2024 07:40

Sixpence39 · 29/04/2024 07:24

It's really bad timing for you, but your mum has actually been put in a stressful position of letting down one of her two daughters and is trying to come up with solutions to accommodate you both. Everyone is relying on her as unpaid labour and then someone is going to get annoyed with her on top! If you want free help from her, make it as easy as possible for her and let her bring the dog. Otherwise you're the one causing her stress, by making her 'choose' between daughters.

But there was no plans to dog sit, there was for babysitting. Does that mean everything dog owner wants something everything else stops or she's being 'Let down'?

CaptainMyCaptain · 29/04/2024 07:42

MolkosTeenageAngst · 28/04/2024 23:12

I would say she’s choosing to help your sister over you rather than a dog over a granddaughter although I appreciate that doesn’t necessarilly make the situation any better. Why is she suddenly having to care for the dog? Is this a usual arrangement? YANBU to be upset as it isn’t reasonable for her to pull out of a commitment to help you at short notice to help your sister instead.

This. It's your sister's needs that she is prioritising and not the dog. There may be good reasons for that. I don't know.

JungleJimmy · 29/04/2024 07:43

In this situation, I'd call my sister and say "I've got an important interview and really need mum here looking after DC without your dog, as a one off could you arrange alternate dog care that day?"

My sister would say "of course" and it would be sorted.

I take it your sister isn't as decent as mine?

DoreenonTill8 · 29/04/2024 07:44

Sixpence39 · 29/04/2024 07:24

It's really bad timing for you, but your mum has actually been put in a stressful position of letting down one of her two daughters and is trying to come up with solutions to accommodate you both. Everyone is relying on her as unpaid labour and then someone is going to get annoyed with her on top! If you want free help from her, make it as easy as possible for her and let her bring the dog. Otherwise you're the one causing her stress, by making her 'choose' between daughters.

And actually can imagine this would be the argument thought up by the sister.....
'Any issues or problems brought up by my new demands is all on you,... poor mum, look at all the stress you're giving her if you don't do what I want, isn't she awful to you mum?!'

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 29/04/2024 07:46

Bloody hell op that is so annoying. If l lived near you, l would have your child for the time it takes you to have a job interview! Just remember if you do get the job, you can't rely on her.

LAMPS1 · 29/04/2024 07:49

OP, don’t waste your energy trying to make this work with your mum and the dog. It sounds futile and, more importantly rather risky with an ill trained dog.

Don’t give up on the interview either, especially if it’s the perfect job which means you won’t need childcare from your mum in the future.

Please do your best to find a last minute, alternative arrangement such as a friend or neighbour or play date or MIL or childminder ?

Be determined to make things work for your own little family without help from your unreliable mum. I’m sorry you have had to come to this realisation. It must be tough to take on board. But don’t allow it to spoil this opportunity for you.

Needanewname42 · 29/04/2024 07:52

Op what is making the 25min drive so hard?

I think your mum is getting a hard time here. It seems like she's dammed no matter what she does

marzipanlover81 · 29/04/2024 07:53

would you really want to leave your baby with someone like this?

i sure as heck wouldn’t

Ollieneedsourhelp · 29/04/2024 07:54

Sixpence39 · 29/04/2024 07:24

It's really bad timing for you, but your mum has actually been put in a stressful position of letting down one of her two daughters and is trying to come up with solutions to accommodate you both. Everyone is relying on her as unpaid labour and then someone is going to get annoyed with her on top! If you want free help from her, make it as easy as possible for her and let her bring the dog. Otherwise you're the one causing her stress, by making her 'choose' between daughters.

I agree with this. It sounds like there is sibling rivalry here, but you're both adults so its time to knock that on the head. Your Mum has given you plenty of workable solutions.

marzipanlover81 · 29/04/2024 07:55

or for me to drive and pick her up to drop her off at my sisters house (25 mins away) to have to go back for her at the end of the day- I wasn’t sure on this either because of the amount of time it will take me to drive there and back and get to the interview would be cutting it very fine

any reason why you couldn’t just ensure you leave enough time to drop her?

25 mins is nothing

marzipanlover81 · 29/04/2024 07:58

if you get the job

i am guessing you’re planning on asking her for childcare

Bluebellar · 29/04/2024 07:59

JungleJimmy · 29/04/2024 07:43

In this situation, I'd call my sister and say "I've got an important interview and really need mum here looking after DC without your dog, as a one off could you arrange alternate dog care that day?"

My sister would say "of course" and it would be sorted.

I take it your sister isn't as decent as mine?

Same!

WitcheryDivine · 29/04/2024 08:00

Good luck with the interview OP, hope you get it.

Seeing so many posters saying that the mum is in a difficult position etc is such an eye opener - genuinely wondering why is it so difficult to say to dog daughter “sorry I can’t this morning because I’m minding Granddaughter”? It’s not about who’s favourite it’s about what was arranged first.

JungleJimmy · 29/04/2024 08:01

@marzipanlover81 the OP states in her first post that the whole point of this new job is that it works around her fiancés hours, so they wouldn't need childcare.

SevenSeasOfRhye · 29/04/2024 08:02

It's a simple matter of who asked first - in this case, you did, so your mum should have honoured the agreement.

KrisTheGardener · 29/04/2024 08:02

JungleJimmy · 29/04/2024 08:01

@marzipanlover81 the OP states in her first post that the whole point of this new job is that it works around her fiancés hours, so they wouldn't need childcare.

Except when fiance forgets he isn't a carefree bachelor without responsibilities and goes away with mates for a full week.

Ideaspleaseee · 29/04/2024 08:03

Your mum is being unreasonable and you now know you can’t rely on her. But if I were you, I’d just do whatever to get to the interview. Drive your dd to your sister’s house beforehand and try and put it out of your mind.

Good luck with your interview!!