Grandma choosing dog over her grandchild

[If123]

I just need to get a feel if I’m being unreasonable or not. So my daughter is the first grandchild. I have given up my job to look after her as my flexible working request was denied. I have an interview for a really great part time job which would fit around my Fiancés job and mean that we won’t have to pay childcare. My Fiancé is on his stag do which we knew when I found out the interview date. I asked my mum with 2 and a half weeks notice to watch my daughter to allow me to go to the interview. She said this was fine and wouldn’t be a problem. Fast forward to the evening before the interview she let me know at 10pm that she needs to watch my sisters dog so now won’t be able to watch my DD. She basically gave me the option of bringing the dog with her to my house (I’m not sure this was a real option because the dog shreds things and is not trained and I have a lot of wedding bits and pieces about because we are due to get married in June) or for me to drive and pick her up to drop her off at my sisters house (25 mins away) to have to go back for her at the end of the day- I wasn’t sure on this either because of the amount of time it will take me to drive there and back and get to the interview would be cutting it very fine. I feel like she’s prioritising the dog over my child. Am I being unreasonable if I pull her up on it and explain how disappointed I am to be let down last second? I’m considering not going to the interview now because of all the stress it’s causing. If I had been given notice I could have sorted out a different arrangement. Feeling so gutted at the idea that my daughter is second in line to a dog in her own grandmas mind. It completely breaks my heart to think that could be the case.

It's not exactly hard to mind a dog and a child at the same time. Op has been given a couple of options either Grandma brings dog to her house or child goes to Grandma.

Why should Grandma choose?
The her or me attitude is just petty.

Can you not get a paid for baby sitter as in from an agency?

My DP whole family chose dogs over their grandchildren/ nieces / nephews.

They all got dogs just as we had our dc - I’m phobic and allergic, dc are allergic too and as a consequence we can never go to any of their houses and they have said they don’t want to come to us! So they’ve only seen dc a handful of times, we’ve invited them out to places but they declined

Can't you guys work as a team/family to sort this so that everyone's needs are catered to?
Your mother has 2x adult daughters and is trying to do the best for both of you.
Grow up.

I suppose it's a nuisance that you won't have exclusive use of your Mum to care for your baby, but she has offered two different compromise options, so you do still have childcare and you can still go to your interview.

Not sure why you're focusing on her, your fiancé is prioritising spending a week partying with his mates over caring for his own child/stepchild, surely that's more devastating?

Just another depressing illustration of misogyny and agism, vastly different expectations of female grandparent vs. male actual parent.

Well depending on the dog a dog & baby can be looked after together.

Thing is if Op was given the option & said no just her baby she'd probably be made out to be the bad guy so a lose, lose.

So did your partner look into altering his stag do at all?

I'd take the driving her to sister's if she will be able to look after both baby & dog.

If not I'm guessing ILs/friends not an option?

Would you really expect them to not have a dog because you don’t like them and have allergies?

Some people in our family have allergies but we wouldn’t not have dogs in our lives every day just because family might have liked to visit every couple of weeks. We do make an effort to see them at their house and meals out etc, but I’m guessing there is more of a backstory with your family.

This.

If she was trying to please them both, the compromises would be on the sister. OP agreed her one first.

She's prioritising the sister.

Sadly, it sounds like your mum has got massive form for behaving like this, so trying to come up with an alternative strategy for the dog is probably a waste of time.
Can you get a sitter? Presumably this isn't an all-day interview, and you'll be out of the house for a couple of hours, max? There are websites for getting babysitters? Do you have a local fb group you could ask on?

When all this has blown over, mum definitely goes in the pile of "useless people I can't rely on". And you'll remember this next time SHE needs a favour.

She’s trying to support both of her ADULT children who have asked her for help and has given you a couple of options.

You’re the one acting childishly by saying you won’t go to the job interview now because you think having the first grandchild TRUMPS your sister’s dog. You clearly don’t value either your mum or your sister.

Honestly, you need to grow up and realise that you're too old to be acting like a whiny kid. You do realise that many of us have to manage all the parenting by ourselves because our own parents are dead.

It’s also interesting that the problem has only arisen because your fiancé is away but you’re not blaming him at all, just your mum for not choosing you over your sister.

I can see why you're pissed off. Your mum made a commitment to look after your DD, then at 10pm the night before she moved the goal posts and made you jump through some hoops.

Yes, the 25 minute drive is annoying, but I'd do it for the sake of the interview. Just leave earlier.

In future, I'd not use your mum for any childcare if she is going to be unreliable.

Well none of that's really relevant is it to this situation, unless you mean parents should never have a break or make plans because they're the only people who can care for their children, even if plans are made (and then changed in this situation!)

I hope the interview goes well today.

Not sure why you're focusing on her, your fiancé is prioritising spending a week partying with his mates over caring for his own child/stepchild, surely that's more devastating?

If they knew that Op was jobhunting seems a bit daft to have a week away.

Maybe Op is having a week away for her hen?

It sounds like you've had a really tough week and this is the icing on the cake.

Take a deep breath, big girls pants on and get yourself focused on what you want - and you want this job! So, you need your Mum to look after your daughter and for that to be the most stress-free version of how to achieve that. Let her come round with the dog. Clear up all the bits and bobs as much as you can and what will be, will be.

Good luck - you've got this!

Why is it daft? They had loads of time to make arrangements, as they did. Are parents supposed to never plan anything ever in case childcare plans collapse at the last minute?

For extra context my baby is 6 months and I have never used a babysitter/ childminder or nursery before so finding one on the day would probably not be viable.
yes my other half now realises he has been a bit selfish and gone away for too long but at the time of booking he didn’t think it would be a problem. I do agree it takes the piss but he needed to make his own choice to realise that.
my sister has messaged me and said that ‘I need to be very careful or she won’t be helping or turning up to the wedding’
Of course I will not be relying on mum for childcare again and am seriously considering asking her to step back out of our lives. This is not the first time she has cancelled for the dog- she made a fuss for my wedding dress appointment and had me in tears when I was pregnant with my little one. I do feel like this could be the final straw for me. I keep on allowing this behaviour. It also wouldn’t have been a huge problem if she gave me notice she couldn’t do it but a few hours is just not enough to find an alternative.

If my sister said that to me then she wouldn't be at my wedding. I wouldn't be involving either of them to help you in any way as you can't trust them not to let you down.

What are they intending to do with the dog on your wedding day if it can't be left alone?

Of course I will not be relying on mum for childcare again and am seriously considering asking her to step back out of our lives.

Why would you back off from the grandparent who is doing you a childcare favour, yet marry the fiancé who is already shirking his actual parental responsibilities?

You are probably all right in saying it’s not about the dog it’s more about the fact my mum has chosen to be unreliable and not be there for me at the last minute on more than one occasion. I just didn’t expect this behaviour to extend to letting my child down at the last second too. I have tried having the dog at my house before but she broke into the food cupboard and ended up eating a hot cross bun which caused an expensive emergency vet trip- she can’t be left without eyes on her at all times and I feel like that’s not totally safe with a baby in the mix too. She has a cage but then scratches and barks to get out which makes little one upset. It’s not ideal but I did say to mum she could stay in the cage which she said would be unfair on her- I don’t really think there is much of a solution here. I hate that my sister didn’t bother training the dog and let’s it run wild and not be toilet trained etc but I don’t really want an accident to either dog or baby because my mum can’t realistically safely watch both at once.

A stag do is going to be booked months even a year in advance. Do you normally get job interviews a year in advance?

I'd be considering messaging sister back and saying I don't need either of your help and neither of you are welcome at my wedding.

Your mother and sister are both bloody awful. Screwing you over when you had made arrangements well in advance for childcare so you could attend a job interview.

Do not allow a destructive, untrained dog near your precious baby.

When is your DP home? People reschedule interviews all the time, things happen. It's not ideal but if you apologise and suggest alternative dates for the interview. And start looking into proper childcare now. Never ask your mother for help again.

What is your sister going to do with her feral mutt that seemingly cant be left for any amount of time when it comes to the wedding?

You need to stop with the narrative with "she let my baby down". No, she didn't let your baby down. She let YOU down. She is prioritising your sister over you.

She also thinks the dog's needs are far more important than your own baby's safety.

That alone would make me go no contact with her.