Grandma choosing dog over her grandchild

[If123]

I just need to get a feel if I’m being unreasonable or not. So my daughter is the first grandchild. I have given up my job to look after her as my flexible working request was denied. I have an interview for a really great part time job which would fit around my Fiancés job and mean that we won’t have to pay childcare. My Fiancé is on his stag do which we knew when I found out the interview date. I asked my mum with 2 and a half weeks notice to watch my daughter to allow me to go to the interview. She said this was fine and wouldn’t be a problem. Fast forward to the evening before the interview she let me know at 10pm that she needs to watch my sisters dog so now won’t be able to watch my DD. She basically gave me the option of bringing the dog with her to my house (I’m not sure this was a real option because the dog shreds things and is not trained and I have a lot of wedding bits and pieces about because we are due to get married in June) or for me to drive and pick her up to drop her off at my sisters house (25 mins away) to have to go back for her at the end of the day- I wasn’t sure on this either because of the amount of time it will take me to drive there and back and get to the interview would be cutting it very fine. I feel like she’s prioritising the dog over my child. Am I being unreasonable if I pull her up on it and explain how disappointed I am to be let down last second? I’m considering not going to the interview now because of all the stress it’s causing. If I had been given notice I could have sorted out a different arrangement. Feeling so gutted at the idea that my daughter is second in line to a dog in her own grandmas mind. It completely breaks my heart to think that could be the case.

You all sound like hard work tbh. Driving your daughter 25 minutes away so that your mum can look after her is not a big deal, it’s pretty normal when someone is doing you a favour by babysitting. How is it cutting it fine, there doesn’t seem to be any reason you couldn’t leave earlier?

I choose my dog over anyone sorry. (if i had a dog)

I mean when or if i become a nan im not baby sitting at all i done my child raising years and im not gonna give up my free time now or then.
I never asked any one if i could have children they never asked me to be born and i never asked my mother to baby sit.
If i needed a sitter id pay for one as i didnt want to put that on my mother that had done her bit raising 5 of us.

It really isn't you know. At that age most are self sufficient .

Oh my God great point… What in the absolute hell he is being on a stag due for an entire week? Totally unacceptable for a man who has a small child at home when he knows that his partners interviewing for jobs

is the other grandma about? Or drop the child at your sisters or mums and leave the rest for them to sort out.

I am a Granma. I have to say that order of grandchild is irrelevant. We love them all.
As a mother it's very hard to try and please all four of my grown children who all still ask me for favours, childcare, lifts, treats etc. and they all expect it even though they're all earning good money and I am disabled and living on a tiny income I have to stretch every penny on.
I love my kids and I love my grandchildren - I'd do everything and anything for them. I must say it's not reciprocal. I don't do anything to gain anything in return but it does feel one sided.
As I don't work I am expected to do anything at the drop of a hat and if I don't I am made to feel bad.

Perhaps I stead of seeing it as letting you down, it could be reframed as she's trying to please you both and as she knows the dog isn't welcome at your house but baby can come to your sisters, she'd be able to help you both.
I'm sure if properly timed you'll be able to get there to drop and collect or perhaps you could leave the child seat in mums car for her to return.
Perhaps she feels more comfortable at your sister's?
Maybe it's easier to get to?
Is it bigger and more room and things to do with both baby and dog?
Maybe your place is too full of things she'd be mortified to break?
Perhaps your nerves for the interview are influencing your feelings?

Don't think it is based on favouritism or preference.

Just remember we all generally are trying our best and often a mum or grandma is judged, not through her own actions but through the lens of everyone else's needs. We are people too and I'm sure you'll experience some of the same things as your children get older and you are blessed with grandchildren.

So I'd like to say neither of you are unreasonable. You both just love eachother and want to help everyone and as the saying goes "you can't please everyone all the time".

The dog is irrelevant. At the end of the day she made a commitment to help and pulled out. I prefer dogs to kids but if I had made the commitment I would honour it. Like you I would be miffed and she is being unreasonable.

Well done on the job! That’s amazing! Having said that, I’m sorry to hear about your mom. How is your relationship with your sister? The only thing that’s crossed my mind is why your sister didn’t intervene? Surely she knows your job interview is a priority compared to someone looking after her dog? Why would she even ask your mom to look after the dog when she knows your mom should be looking after your little one? The whole situation is just very odd and sounds like your sister isn’t very supportive of you either.

she is prioritising the dog over her grandchild and sounds horrible. I would never forgive my mum if she done that.

Sounds rather like your mum isn't very good at saying no when asked to do things for her family.....may have some sort of vague idea about sorting it out nearer the time.? And perhaps it isn't really about putting dog over grandchild....not sure how old your mum is or your child who of course is your priority and the centre of your world. I can remember when my sister had her first child a good ten years after my mum's first grandchild My sister sort of assumed that our mum now widowed so on her own but active and independent would just drop anything and drive for over an hour to help with her granddaughter no matter what. My mum did it but then confessed to me after one of these trips that she was finding it harder to do cos she just didn't have the stamina and energy she once had but felt unable to refuse once she had helped out a few times. My sister just assumed Mum would do it and have no difficulty managing in the same way she never thought to ask if Mum had money for petrol to get to wherever. It is hard to accept parents getting older and not having your exact same priorities within the family but even a "destructive"dog" can seem an easier option. Looking on as an outsider I will take the risk of saying that it may be that you and your sister have got used to asking (and perhaps always expecting ) your mum to take on pet and childcare and she's dropped into the habit of saying yes....

I still don't understand the attitude that it has to be the kid or the dog. Grandma is trying to please both her daughters and not let anyone down and has offered to do both lots of caring at once. You must trust her to have asked her in the first place, so presumably you don't have a problem with her caring for your child. It sounds like you and your sister are both vying for parental affection but it is not a competition. I am sure she loves you both equally and doesn't want to let down either of you.

I don't imagine this is an isolated incident and suspect that a similar one will arise in the future, so unless you want your family to fall apart I suggest you sort it out now.

Your main problem is your feckless future husband. He is the one who has really let you down and your Mum is copping the flack. If he is this self centred now, leaving you with a 6 month old, just weeks before your wedding, do you imagine he is going to change once you get a ring on his finger. In the months ahead you may well need your family more than you can know so don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

Just be grateful you still have your Mum.

She probably figured she could watch both. Your house or your sisters were offered.

You think she should just abandon her other kid And supporting them just because you had a kid… now you’re somehow more important and entitled than your mums other child???

i don’t know if this is entitled parenting, or bridezilla or just who you are as a person, but maybe stop after one kid if you can’t see how supporting your kids where they are in life is important.

Congratulations on getting the job, OP!

I agree with PP - this is down to your "partner" choosing to go on a week-long piss-up instead of being, y'know, an actual partner and doing his share of the parenting when he knows you need time for interviews. Your mother shouldn't have to be picking up his slack.

This is shit and I'm sorry. Your mum won't change. There are no words you could find to make her see your point as she won't want to. Leave her to your sister and get on with your own life. Being the second fiddle to the Golden Child is shit. They won't change but you can x

I hope you never have grandkids! My greatest memories are those I spent with mine, staying over and spending quality time. And now my mum does the same. She has all three of her grandchildren on a weekend (I've never asked or expected her too and I certainly don’t need her to) because she loves spending time with them and they bring her joy. I feel sorry for anyone who grows up deprived of family because they simply see them as a chore ie babysitting!

Just be grateful you still have your Mum

This is a bullshit thing to say. I lost my mum when I was much younger, but I still think what OPs mum did was wrong.

I absolutely would not have wanted a 6 month year old around an untrained and feral sounding dog.

I agree that OP should be having form words with DP about expectations going forward. A week is slightly ridiculous.

I hope you never have grandkids!
Its a bit unkind to say that to anyone just because they have an opinion on something.

You only have one side of the story which is hardly a balanced view in anyone's eyes. To someone who does not have a dog, a boisterous one can appear to be untrained. Maybe the grandma shouldn't have agreed to look after the sister's dog, maybe she felt she didn't have a choice, but has probably regretted it since. I don't suppose when she made the decision to offer to help out both of her daughters that it would instigate such a furore.

At the end of the day, no-one died, the poster got to her interview and got the job and the future husband can just waltz back home oblivious to the disharmony he has caused.

And as for being grateful for still having a Mum being a "bullshit thing to say". How often do you wish you still had your Mum? Birthdays, Christmases, milestone events such as weddings and the births of her grandchildren to name but a few. You only get one set of parents so you should love them while you have got them because it won't be forever.

I think the replies show two very different kind of people.
First you have the positives who are expressing how people view others solely through looking at their needs and how others treat them. Most understand how we are all just trying to keep everyone happy and just because they haven't lived up to your demands and expectations we don't just berate them, get angry and treat them any differently.
Then you have the negative viewpoint where as they have not complied exactly with your demands and you feel they should have made a different choice, prioritised them over anyone, or just simply changed their mind, they're ready to write people off, cut them out of their plans and somehow emotionally punish people
The kind of people that do the limiting access to grandchildren as a manipulative weapon.
Life lesson - people live their own lives and are their own people. Don't expect them to live for you. If you judge people by your expectations of people you'll always be disappointed and angry. Life is too damn short! Love your loved ones for who they are before you lose them.

I think you’re missing a big point from the OP’s original post - she’s not upset that her mom was canceling, she’s upset that her mom was canceling last minute without giving her an opportunity to sort her situation, and that the reason she’s canceling is because she’s providing her time to look after her sister’s dog, not because of an emergency. I think sticking to your word is the decent thing to do, giving people enough notice for important life events is a decent thing to do and treating your children equally is a decent thing to do. I didn’t think the OP was expecting her mom to drop whatever she’s doing at her request so she can provide childcare services. It’s difficult to have an unreliable person in your life in any situation, not to mention if that person is your mom.

Plus, of course people judge others based on how they’re treated! Why wouldn’t you? If someone’s unpleasant to you all the time, criticising, judging and moaning then no one will blame you if you don’t want them around you, even if they are a close family member that you love.

Give Granny a break. Why should she spend her time looking after dog or baby. If she has to and wants to do both at your house, just agree. Otherwise pay for a sitter like everyone else has to

Have a look into Narcissistic Behavioural Disorder and 'Grey rocking'.

Agree, but a few things. We don't know how the OP has treated mum, we don't know how their relationship is. OP could be self centred and demanding and this is mum's way of standing up for herself? We just don't know based on the info a available.
Also remember that Granny hasn't said she'll no longer do it, she's still happy to have baby and help the other sister out and keep both daughters and grandchild happy.
OPs house is cluttered with expensive prep for wedding. Perhaps granny feels she'd be better sticking to the other house because it's less stressful and she is far more comfortable at the other daughter's. Perhaps the OP is a bridezilla or has everyone fed up with the stress already? We just don't know.
So she's not letting the OP down at all, she's just asking her to make a slight alteration to her plans so that everyone can be happy. Not a cancellation at all.
And as demonstrated, OP managed just fine to get baby over, go to the interview, nail it and collect the child so perhaps it was just stress and nerves about the interview that was affecting how she felt.
Perhaps if she'd taken a moment to reflect and consider after the nerves had passed and she had seen how it had all worked out just fine, she probably felt like she'd made a mountain out of the proverbial molehill.
Just have to learn we can't ask for favours and dictate how they have to be carried out.
I have 2 GC and both sons parent differently. At first I was mandated to about how not to sing at bedtime, simply leave and shut door, or not to go in when crying. Things are very hard when you have two children with different parenting styles and still have younger siblings at home, so 16/19 own kids and then 1 and 3 GK from the older siblings. In the end I said that if they wanted me to provide childcare then it had to be my way, whilst keeping all the major rules in place of course, nap times, bed times, routines, food choice etc the rest of the day was structured and delivered my way - if they don't like it then they can pay for a nanny to do everything to their demands. Things were then far easier and we're all happy! People gotta people their own way!

I’m so sorry this happened and you were put in this position. People brush it off like it’s no big deal but, being a recruiter, I know how stressful interviews can be at the best of times, let alone when someone you rely on lets you down last minute.

I think everyone’s response to this will vary depending on their own relationships with family. My own mother would be similar to this yet my in-laws (despite being huge dog people) would prioritise their grandkids above all else as they adore them. I don’t think anyone who considers looking after their grandchild for one time as ‘unpaid labour’ really deserves to have a relationship with that child and they probably don’t really want to anyway.
The untrained dog is a massive issue - I see this so often now I’m starting to feel there should be laws around dog ownership and training. I’ve seen many people lose out on great job opportunities because they can’t leave their dog unattended yet parents of young children seem to go above and beyond to find solutions to their childcare issues.
Judging by op’s replies, her mother really isn’t fit to be relied on and she has made the right choice to keep them at arms length. Sadly this is how I now am with my parents, I send occasional life updates and visit around 3 times a year (they moved 4 hours away when I was pregnant). But they don’t play a huge role in my kids life. My in-laws get the best of everything with my kids and they love and deserve that.
Congratulations on the job OP and I hope you are able to build up a supportive network around you of people who love and care for your child

She's prioritizing your sister over you, not the dog. She's out of order springing it on you at such short notice though. Surely you have a friend who would mind your child long enough for an interview xxx