Grandma choosing dog over her grandchild

[If123]

I just need to get a feel if I’m being unreasonable or not. So my daughter is the first grandchild. I have given up my job to look after her as my flexible working request was denied. I have an interview for a really great part time job which would fit around my Fiancés job and mean that we won’t have to pay childcare. My Fiancé is on his stag do which we knew when I found out the interview date. I asked my mum with 2 and a half weeks notice to watch my daughter to allow me to go to the interview. She said this was fine and wouldn’t be a problem. Fast forward to the evening before the interview she let me know at 10pm that she needs to watch my sisters dog so now won’t be able to watch my DD. She basically gave me the option of bringing the dog with her to my house (I’m not sure this was a real option because the dog shreds things and is not trained and I have a lot of wedding bits and pieces about because we are due to get married in June) or for me to drive and pick her up to drop her off at my sisters house (25 mins away) to have to go back for her at the end of the day- I wasn’t sure on this either because of the amount of time it will take me to drive there and back and get to the interview would be cutting it very fine. I feel like she’s prioritising the dog over my child. Am I being unreasonable if I pull her up on it and explain how disappointed I am to be let down last second? I’m considering not going to the interview now because of all the stress it’s causing. If I had been given notice I could have sorted out a different arrangement. Feeling so gutted at the idea that my daughter is second in line to a dog in her own grandmas mind. It completely breaks my heart to think that could be the case.

I think you are unreasonable for framing this as a dog versus grandchild issue. It’s a you versus your sister. You both need help and she is choosing to help your sister.

I think context is needed here. Your sister messeged you that out of the blue or in response to a messege you'd sent her, spurred on by all the hate on here?

Remember OP there are a lot of people on here who love abit of drama, they will not be having a second thought about you tommorow when you've cut off your family.

This.

It sounds like your Mum isn't very reliable and possibly favours your sister. It's not about dog vs grandchild.
I can see why this is upsetting.
What I don't understand is why you'll be cutting it fine to get to the interview. Has your Mum specified a time you have to bring your child to your sister's house? Can you not just take her earlier leaving more time get to the interview?
Or let them come to your house and quickly tidy the wedding things away into another room.
I'd do one of those two things (go earlier to sister's or let them come to yours) before I would give up on going to the interview.

And once the interview is over you can go forward knowing that you will need to make alternative plans for things like this because your Mum is not reliable.

As a grandma myself it does sound thoughtless of your mum. I don't know about choosing others over you but more being reliable - does she feel worried about babysitting and it's an excuse? Do you have other childcare options at all ?

Your all seem really petty and to not like each other much.

From this thread and another you posted, your partner seems like a bit of an arse.

You seem prone to over reaction, saying that your mum refused to look after your daughter and has let you down when she has said/done no such thing. She’s said she will look after your child and the dog.

You are also very dramatic about a short drive.

Your sister and partner needs to train her dog. They’re irresponsible.

Nightmare family. Hopefully you all sort yourselves out before this child has to be aware of any of this behaviour.

The fact you are framing this as the dog is preferred to your child is dramatic and sounds a bit manipulative. Your mum has offered a compromise, I don’t know why you don’t take that- it sounds a bit like you are looking to be a martyr here.

Hope you got to your interview in the end and managed to find a workable solution? Personally, I would have driven to sisters house and set off earlier as it seemed the best solution?

Your mum was being unreasonable leaving you in the lurch so late in the day as is your partner for selfishly and irresponsibly prioritising a stag doo and drinking over you and your little one for an entire week.

I am guessing your mum was possibly nervous looking after your baby if she doesn’t do this often or didn’t really want to do it in the first place and maybe your dsis either deliberately through a spanner in the works or maybe she didn’t.

My DM always prioritised looking after my niece or my DB’s dog over my DC every single time. Every time I was reminded of my place in the pecking order. As a result I don’t prioritise her now she is elderly.

This. I agree you should go low contact. She agreed to help you so you could get another job, and to let you down at the last minute for such a crappy reason is unforgiveable. Your sister is the one who should make alternative arrangements.

But the compromise the sister could make would be to take the dog round to OPs which the OP isn’t happy with. There are a number of solutions proposed and the OP won’t accept any of them. You can’t compromise with someone who refuses all options

Your DM is being perfectly reasonable, take DD to your sister's.

If I couldn't do that for any reason, I'd be telling DP to either delay setting off for the stag do or to come back early. He's a parent and his child should take priority.

this is my thought

Did you go to the interview? I hope you found a way to make it work. It’s all on you once you become a parent really. It sounds like you half expected to be let down, so at least you know what the future holds in terms of support. Good luck today

She did offer to pick up the dog and drive to OP's house to do the caring there. So she was willing to do the leg work, driving and running around where OP wouldn't have had to change a thing.

But the compromise the sister could make would be to take the dog round to OPs which the OP isn’t happy with.

How is op allowing a feral dog in her house an example of the sister compromising? That's compromising and having to put up a with a shit and unexpected change,which will likely mean her home is damaged

She did offer to pick up the dog and drive to OP's house to do the caring there.

She doesn't want it in her house, it's even worse

OP didn’t say she was unhappy about the dog being around her baby, she said she wouldn’t drive the 25 minutes to drop them off.

OP also hasn’t answered the many posters who have asked why a relatively short drive is such a problem?

If the sister has an arrangement with the mum that she’ll look after the dog whenever her DP has to go into work, then it’s understandable why the mum is trying to please everyone. Presumably if he has to go into work, he can’t get out of it - and if they need dog sitting to be done that the mum has agreed she’ll always make herself available for then it’s understandable why the mum is trying to help everyone. She doesn’t want to let either daughter down.

Obvs that doesn’t mean OP should be let down but there does seem to be a lot of wailing and throwing hands in the air. A short drive to drop off the baby would sort it all but instead OP is now saying she’ll go NC with the mum who’s trying to keep both daughters happy.

Bonkers.

If my sister messaged me that, I'd probably uninvite her on the spot.

The issue is that she committed to helping you first. But I guess she thinks she can do both. Can you speak to her about it?

Can you find a friend to have your daughter?

Well she offered for the OP to go to the sisters, that was a no. She offered for them to come to the OPs house, that was a no.

The OPs only solution is that mum takes care of her kid and that the dog isn’t involved.

OP didn’t say she was unhappy about the dog being around her baby, she said she wouldn’t drive the 25 minutes to drop them off.

OP also hasn’t answered the many posters who have asked why a relatively short drive is such a problem?

I'm guessing that it's because that would make it in practice 50 minutes, there and back? To say nothing of faffing about at the other end getting the baby and the baby's stuff out, so it's more like an hour.

An hour is not a big deal.

I would take the baby to sisters and just make it work this time (as long as the dog isn't a danger to baby, which it doesn't sound like it is).

A bit tongue in cheek but I'd be tempted to tell fiance that you plan to be a SAHM a bit longer and he can work a few extra hours if he regularly goes off to have fun while leaving you holding the baby. My DH went on a few work trips when I had babies but only when he had to and for as short as he could. He managed to have fun without having to go away for a full week for giggles.

An hour is not a big deal.

It is. Even if times can be made, who wants to be racing around before an interview? Got so much to think about, you left without brushing your teeth, you're sweating from stress, your makeup is coming off, ... nobody needs that before an interview.

25 mins one way > take child out and settle for 10 mins > 25 mins back (subtotal: 1h)

Then anywhere from 15 mins to 1h to your actual interview

Total = anywhere from 1h to 2h travelling

This. I'd be disappointed though.