Big argument with DH has gone out of control. In need of your gentle advice.

[Springtimesadness]

Evening all .

Frequent poster on here but name changing for this one. DH and I been together for 10 years and have got 2 beautiful daughters together both very young. We never had support from neither grandparents, moved around a lot , never had much but always found a way to make it work and count our blessings and work hard and always stick together and support each other. Not sure if its relevant but I feel trapped.

When all is good and as he puts it 'i have got things in the house under control' we are good. However, if anything happens at all to me, for example I get sick , or break my foot or feel overwheed or have received upseting news about my family (they are in Ukraine ) and ask him to 'take over a bit ' the whole house spiralls out of control very vere quickly. He hasnt got much patience and then often starts losing it at the girls for misbehaving and on and on it goes until I step in and he then blames all of that on me 'falling apart' . It always feels like I shouldnt have said anything because his 'take over" was a much worser thing then me pushing through.

After yet another incident , I am in tears right now. He spent the whole day working on a presentation so we didnt see much of him. Our youngest was playful refusing to go to bed and so I asked him if he would mind taking over and settling her since he barely seen her whole day. After 4 mins I heard him telling her to stop being 'so stupid and go to bed'. I immediately returned to the room to tell him that she is not stupid and is just overtired. He then proceded to blame my 'shit parenting" for that and for whatever think they watched on an Ipad for 45 mins (he wasnt helping whole day and I needed to cook a family meal somehow). It then escallated to him calling me 'a fucking piece of shit who ruined the whole day ' in front my youngest daughter. I didnt say a word but he kept on repeating that to my face at least 4 times until I pushed him out of the room.

I am all in shock. He now came saying that he would be a bigger person and apologise if I apologise for 'physically attacking him when I pushed him out of the bedroom. I refused for the first time ever. Refused to be gaslighted into believing I dont anything wrong. This exchange has made me sick to my stomach. He had got a very challenging time at work but i can find no excuse to that. I feel like my heart broke today. I believed we had a pretty decent family and even planned to go on holiday next week. Now it feels like I am all alone and the person I loved is not the same person I just had this argument with.

AIBU to think you cant move on from that? If anyone did move on what did it take ?

I do not expect my children to do as told at all times or be called names otherwise as this is not the kind of parenting I follow in my family life. I am also yet to find adults who have grown up into happy adults after this kind of parenting. If your dcs are not your best friends thats absolutely fine but mine are absolutely are. Each to their own.

I think there is a difference between:

You are being stupid and
You are stupid.

I don't think the first phrase is too bad.

I think you will end up leaving, though it may take you years.

He gets to present to the world as a family man based on your hard work and love and I don’t think that’s fair to you. The world should see him as the abusive person he is.

OP, I am being gentle here…the comment about your girls being your best friends came out to remind you that you need to be the adult and look after your girls. No matter what happens you need to be the strong one and make decisions that are best for you & your girls. x

He slept on the sofa last night . Basically he took the position that I physically assaulted him after he had simply reminded me of my poor parenting and not holding the family together. It was my fault because by nagging him to participate a little in our family life the whole day I had built the day to this conclusion. The conclusion obviously being me called a piece of shit.

“you undermined him infront of your daughter

No, she stopped him verbally abusing her daughter too.”

I agree with this 100%. Well done for protecting your daughter OP. She does not need to hear that from her dad.

Would you consider couples counselling OP? Maybe if you said to him you acknowledge there's a problem and you think that you both need to talk to someone together to work it out?
It sounds really tough right now and maybe someone external can help cut through

Hey OP. Replies you are getting now such as the one from @SublimeLemonHead Just ignore. This is about your safety and protection from abuse for yourself and your child. He called your child stupid. So many posters have missed that. This isn't about how you parent. Sometimes when a poster starts to flesh out their experience with certain facts others will pick out anything from that to put the boot in and ignore the very distressing reasons for the original post.

I noted that he said he wasn't going to sleep with you again. Again it might not seem like abuse but it's said to debase you and make you feel worthless. He sounds like a deeply unhappy man. Which is not your fault. But he's transferring his lack of self worth on to you. I'm just hoping you viewing it in those terms might help you survive with your self worth intact whilst you're trying to work out what to do.

But I am an adult and have been looking after the girls 95 percent of the time for the past 8 years. Yes I couldnt be strong enough when the person I married was shouting such horrid things in my face because I am not made of wood.

I have never heard any men in my life, in my childhood shout this way at a woman. That was not ok in my family back home . He comes from a rough background and police was called a few times when his parents argued before they divorced. He worked really hard his whole life not to be like that but it slips through now.

Why do people write this utter shit?

A woman on here who repeatedly shouted at her husband that he was ‘a fucking piece of shit’ in front of their young child would have her arse handed to her on a plate, and you know it.

OP was trying to stop her daughter witnessing her Dad verbally abusing her mother. By removing him from the room. We can all see that.

He's gaslighting you. What do you want? Because what you thought you had does not exist. I suggest you speak to a therapist to get some clarity. Posters can be very good but also it can be confusing when you get posters who minimise, don't understand, aren't emotionally intelligent enough or don't have the experience you do or understand the reality. Ultimately whatever you want to do is fine. Your priority is to keep your children safe and secure and to utterly know they are loved before anyone else.

So he is the victim, you are the abusive one, it's all your fault and now he is punishing you until you see the error of your ways?

I don't see any indication from this that counselling or anything else is going to make him think he needs to change OP.

He's an abusive man who thinks it's ok to abuse his wife in front of his child and to call his child names. And take no responsibility for this whatsoever.

Try to get support for yourself in dealing with this. Women's Aid may be helpful.
He is not going to change and you need to make plans to get out of this situation.

You and your kids cannot thrive like this and you all deserve better. You need to be your kids' hero and take them out of this environment.

The biggest thing that stands out for me is that he goes to pieces if you get ill or something and can't deal with anything domestic related. He is a Fairweather friend. That would be such a huge turn off for me, surely this goes without saying if you become a parent? As for the name calling, it is abusive and I'm not condoning it at all but sometimes during stress in the heat of the moment we can slip up and it isn't necessarily malicious, the thing with the daughter as well, its not nice what he said but he didn't call her stupid he said she was 'being stupid'. Im sure we've all slipped up and said some not nice things in the heat of the moment or are all the parents on here perfect? 🤷‍♀️
For me the biggest issue is his attitude towards you having to 'keep things in control' when it comes to the home.

I wouldn’t even be able to look at his lying face.

Let him stay on the sofa, don’t ask him to come back up, that’s what he wants.

If he does come up tell him he can no longer sleep with you and he needs to stay downstairs/in a another room.

Are people forgetting that English is not OP's first language?

I have got a temporary leave to remain. I can apply for a permanent one after one more year I believe. I do some translating for work but all the money is used on small treats for myself and the girls now and again. My youngest in not yet at school and I havent got the flexibility to work as she attends the nursery for 2 days only and my husband well he doesnt do drop off nor pick ups because you guessed it .. he works.

We had many conversarions that I would like to work part time many times and I was gently told that basically I have to work it out myself during the hours I got available he cant be expected to do that for me or help out with school/nursery pick ups. And with no family around me I am now in this position.

I do some translating for work but all the money is used on small treats for myself and the girls now and again.

I hope this isn’t the only money you have access to? Do you have access to a joint account?

And why is this relevant ?

Exactly. Your English is perfectly good.

Yes of course. I was just saying that I havent got any personal savings at the moment to move out etc or make any big decisions. Things however cannot stay the same and I do get it now.

The reason it doesn’t happen often is that you’ve ‘asked very little of him’. You have carried everything and he’s become used to the household running smoothly with no input from him. He now puts all the blame on you for his own inadequacy.

I take it you are being sarcastic. :) Some men really do think they are gods gift don't they

They are picking on your choice of words like "playfully" etc. I was just reminding them.

How very generous of him to feel he needs to remind you of your poor parenting when you have them 90% of the time-- I would be absolutely fuming @Springtimesadness - on top of being called POS I would be
Asking him to leave for 3 months and then see how you both feel and maybe see if you can get some counselling in there. I think you both need some space- some posters on here are absolutely nuts - your parenting style is irrelevant. - his response to actually having to help for 10 minutes with his own kids is totally not ok . No wonder you shoved him for calling you that- I would I think have struggled not to have actually hit my H if he called me that