Big argument with DH has gone out of control. In need of your gentle advice.

[Springtimesadness]

Evening all .

Frequent poster on here but name changing for this one. DH and I been together for 10 years and have got 2 beautiful daughters together both very young. We never had support from neither grandparents, moved around a lot , never had much but always found a way to make it work and count our blessings and work hard and always stick together and support each other. Not sure if its relevant but I feel trapped.

When all is good and as he puts it 'i have got things in the house under control' we are good. However, if anything happens at all to me, for example I get sick , or break my foot or feel overwheed or have received upseting news about my family (they are in Ukraine ) and ask him to 'take over a bit ' the whole house spiralls out of control very vere quickly. He hasnt got much patience and then often starts losing it at the girls for misbehaving and on and on it goes until I step in and he then blames all of that on me 'falling apart' . It always feels like I shouldnt have said anything because his 'take over" was a much worser thing then me pushing through.

After yet another incident , I am in tears right now. He spent the whole day working on a presentation so we didnt see much of him. Our youngest was playful refusing to go to bed and so I asked him if he would mind taking over and settling her since he barely seen her whole day. After 4 mins I heard him telling her to stop being 'so stupid and go to bed'. I immediately returned to the room to tell him that she is not stupid and is just overtired. He then proceded to blame my 'shit parenting" for that and for whatever think they watched on an Ipad for 45 mins (he wasnt helping whole day and I needed to cook a family meal somehow). It then escallated to him calling me 'a fucking piece of shit who ruined the whole day ' in front my youngest daughter. I didnt say a word but he kept on repeating that to my face at least 4 times until I pushed him out of the room.

I am all in shock. He now came saying that he would be a bigger person and apologise if I apologise for 'physically attacking him when I pushed him out of the bedroom. I refused for the first time ever. Refused to be gaslighted into believing I dont anything wrong. This exchange has made me sick to my stomach. He had got a very challenging time at work but i can find no excuse to that. I feel like my heart broke today. I believed we had a pretty decent family and even planned to go on holiday next week. Now it feels like I am all alone and the person I loved is not the same person I just had this argument with.

AIBU to think you cant move on from that? If anyone did move on what did it take ?

A few PP have suggested counseling. Do not do this.

He is abusive, and counseling with an abusive partner is not recommended, does not work, and often ends up being used as an additional channel of abuse.

Do speak to Women's Aid.

He has shown you who he is and what he truly thinks of you. Even under general stressful situations you wouldn't be nasty to your other half. So he holds you in contempt. Sorry no I don't think I could come back from this. Very telling that all is fine as long as you're dealing with everything and he blames you for the fact that he doesn't actually want to deal with domestic life.

How would he react if you had an actual real long term illness - I suspect he would be terribly behaved judging from your posts. I doubt any kind of therapy would get through to him but you could try for your own benefit.

Who are all these people who think the ops children would be better off if she just let their dad yell all that abuse at her, and the child- don’t forget why she went in there in the first place. Or these posters that say she is worse for pushing him. Absolutely, you’re all right. Good mums sit back and let their partners abuse their young children. NO THEY DON’T. Stop condoning abuse. Stop victim blaming.

you are not wrong op. You protected your children. You need to make space in your life from him- think calmly. What are your options? Plan to leave- could you take the children? Do you risk being deported? Can you take the children overseas to your home?
if you started insisting on some respect and that he pull his weight eg if you stop doing his washing would he escalate? Might he become violent?

She was getting him out the room to stop the verbal abuse.

Don't pretend a woman removing an abusive man is akin to the domestic violence women suffer.

It's not politically correct but a woman pushing a man (for good reason) is NOT the same thing as a man pushing a woman. A man can easily over-power a woman, so any physicality is a threat and a display of dominance.

Given that your daughter was being a bit stupid, to ask her to stop being stupid was not wrong.

You both need to be more respectful in your communication.
You were over tired and he was over tired too.
When you are not over tired discuss seeking professional couples counselling.
Also employ a regular babysitter to fill the space normally filled by extended family, and take some time alone.

You're joking right?

He called the daughter stupid.

She absolutely should have gone in.

You can't "undermine" verbal abuse you only stop it.

“Undermined him in front of her daughter” by saying her daughter isn’t stupid? I really hope you’re not a parent! Thank god she intervened before her husband destroys her daughters self-esteem and teachers her bad behaviours by name calling his own daughter for doing something that absolutely all children do!

I think your actions were right and proper. Calling a child stupid isn't acceptable, nor was verbally abusing you in front of your child. I'd have done the same to get him out of the room.

Sounds like he's lovely and nice when he's getting what he wants. But not when he has to do things he doesn't want to, such as play or parent his children, or look after a house.

You've also told us you don't think he'd throw away the relationship. Of course he wouldn't, why would he? He's got a cook, cleaner, childminder on tap, so all he has to do is go to work. Of course see he won't throw that away.

His behaviour was obviously completely out of line.

However, op...I think you also need a bit if a reality check with your dc. Your total minimising of one dc's bad behaviour is not good. 'Playfully' refusing to do as told for several minutes? Um, no.

They are not your 'best friends' as you've posted and this sort of attitude towards dc won't end well. They can have friends at school, that's not you - you're their parent.

what? They were screaming at each other, and she turned it physical! of course she is in the wrong for that. No question.

I agree he sounds awful, but the OP made it physical, and there is no excuse for that, none at all, ever. yes. There is. How about we start with self defence from someone screaming verbal abuse in her face causing a young child to cower sobbing under the covers sobbing. Let’s not pretend this is anything like domestic violence. It isn’t.

OP your daughter didn’t deserve to be called stupid but there are a few on this thread who absolutely fit that description.

@ReadingSoManyThreads

She was pushing a man out of a child's bedroom who was screaming profanity and abuse in her face FOUR times. That's a mother protecting her child and herself from an abusive man. Do not dare try to make out like OP did something wrong. She's not the abusive one here. Shame on you.

Totally agree.

He called his dd stupid. Do you sit back and watch while your dh insults your child?

You should leave. He expects you to manage everything while he does what he wants and if that can't happen he is aggressive and in front of your child.

Gently....leave him...

Hmmm let me guess, he works loads of hours and then awards you with a long holiday somewhere hot, but somehow you are not grateful enough for that… The balance in your relationship is off, whether you can work it through with lots of soul searching and counselling depends if you both want it equally. Does he want to work less, do more housework and take the kids to the beach by himself? If he doesn’t know how, is he willing to learn…

Ten years is a long time and I will be praying for you. He is abusive and as they say practice makes perfect. It will get worse most likely. In the end I ran away from the same situation.

@alloweraoway it's like verbal abuse is not as bad as physical. Like there are levels like the fact that she has tried to remove him from the room is somehow worse than her being subjected to verbal abuse in front of her child. My suspicion, i obviously don't know, but I suspect this is the latest in a pattern of behaviour towards op. And quite often, women who have been subject to a campaign of emotional, verbal abuse and threatening behaviours will snap. Please do tell OP what she should have done in your opinion. You clearly have that much more experience than her.

I don’t want to repeat what everyone else has said however - you’re not a U.K. citizen? Do you have indefinite leave to remain? Are you able to work or claim benefits? What about housing rights? I’m guessing if you’ve moved a lot you don’t own a house? So you wouldn’t be able to ask for an order where you stay in the house until the children grow up etc?

Because if you take the advice (which I agree with) to leave him, but open up to anyone IRL about this, they’ll have a safeguarding duty to report and this could get messy faster than you’d like - if you can’t leave right now because of the above.

if that’s the case, what do you need to do to resolve it so that you can work and claim benefits? Because that should be your priority - it might need to be a medium term plan to get your ducks properly in order before you leave.

I mean @alloweraoway I pushed my ex when he had cornered me, followed me after I'd tried to break the situation and stop the escalation and he followed me, shouting abuse and using the fact he is larger and stronger than me to intimidate me. Presumably I was in the wrong to do this. I was abusive. I was the worst in this situation because shock shock I made it physical. Never mind the years of emotional and verbal abuse I'd received from this man. Never mind the fact he repeatedly physically intimidated me and made me fear for my wellbeing. It amazes me how much people will downplay other forms of abuse.

pushing someone screaming in your face is not wrong, please don't be thinking you didn't something wrong here - it isn't wrong to push someone that will not move so you can remove yourself and child from the situation

what is wrong is this person screaming abuse in your face

Please ignore the advice of those minimising his behaviour. You did the right thing stepping in, you don’t leave a four year old to get abused by her father in the fear of undermining his (abusive) parenting); it is your job to protect your children.

You need to leave him. The relationship is extremely unhealthy for you and your girls. Can you imagine how you would feel if they ended up with partners just like him? That is what is being modelled for them.

She didn’t need an excuse - she was getting him away from her crying daughter.
He called her a useless piece of shit 4 times in front of a little girl, do you really think she should have let him carry on? Fgs.

What a stupid thing to say.