Big argument with DH has gone out of control. In need of your gentle advice.

[Springtimesadness]

Evening all .

Frequent poster on here but name changing for this one. DH and I been together for 10 years and have got 2 beautiful daughters together both very young. We never had support from neither grandparents, moved around a lot , never had much but always found a way to make it work and count our blessings and work hard and always stick together and support each other. Not sure if its relevant but I feel trapped.

When all is good and as he puts it 'i have got things in the house under control' we are good. However, if anything happens at all to me, for example I get sick , or break my foot or feel overwheed or have received upseting news about my family (they are in Ukraine ) and ask him to 'take over a bit ' the whole house spiralls out of control very vere quickly. He hasnt got much patience and then often starts losing it at the girls for misbehaving and on and on it goes until I step in and he then blames all of that on me 'falling apart' . It always feels like I shouldnt have said anything because his 'take over" was a much worser thing then me pushing through.

After yet another incident , I am in tears right now. He spent the whole day working on a presentation so we didnt see much of him. Our youngest was playful refusing to go to bed and so I asked him if he would mind taking over and settling her since he barely seen her whole day. After 4 mins I heard him telling her to stop being 'so stupid and go to bed'. I immediately returned to the room to tell him that she is not stupid and is just overtired. He then proceded to blame my 'shit parenting" for that and for whatever think they watched on an Ipad for 45 mins (he wasnt helping whole day and I needed to cook a family meal somehow). It then escallated to him calling me 'a fucking piece of shit who ruined the whole day ' in front my youngest daughter. I didnt say a word but he kept on repeating that to my face at least 4 times until I pushed him out of the room.

I am all in shock. He now came saying that he would be a bigger person and apologise if I apologise for 'physically attacking him when I pushed him out of the bedroom. I refused for the first time ever. Refused to be gaslighted into believing I dont anything wrong. This exchange has made me sick to my stomach. He had got a very challenging time at work but i can find no excuse to that. I feel like my heart broke today. I believed we had a pretty decent family and even planned to go on holiday next week. Now it feels like I am all alone and the person I loved is not the same person I just had this argument with.

AIBU to think you cant move on from that? If anyone did move on what did it take ?

@johntorodesfatcheeks Thank you for comprehensively refuting those very stupid comments by @alloweraoway I know it's AIBU but that poster's crap is fit only to be washed down the drain.

Totally disagree. Children learn how they should be treated by their parents. No one should be calling a child stupid, let alone a parent. If the other parent says or does something morally or ethically wrong to a child, it is not undermining the other parent to call them out in front of the child.

showing a child that being called names is wrong will set them up for being the kind of person who challenges this kind of behaviour outside of the home. If you don’t, they could grow up to be a person who thinks it’s ok that other people call them names. They may also grow to internalise the names their parents call them.

pushing a grown man who is verbally abusing you isn’t ideal, but I’m not sure what I’d do in that situation either .

I hope those on here who think it’s fine to smack their children and call them stupid will think it’s equally as acceptable when their children do the same to other people.

Funnily enough, abuse as a child will do that to you. Lucky for you that you either didn't experience this or were able to move past it. Not all of us have been able to heal old wounds so easily. How sad that you find this 'remarkable' and think its acceptable to describe someone as thin-skinned, when you know sweet FA about their circumstances. Incredibly poor of you.

Your post almost made me cry. My ex husband was like this (screaming in my face) and I unfortunately rose to it; it’s so hard not to. You’re doing. A fabulous job protecting your children, you just need to be kind to yourself as well. Fuck the prick xx

You are human and a bloody good mother. 💗

do you want this for your daughters? It’s that simple. They will grow up in fear of his rants and think this is how men are. The cycle will repeat. My advice would be to end it. Others said - you didn’t give him long- but he was calling a child names, of course you should intervene. This isn’t a partnership where you work together. Of course you are heart broken because you are seeing how it really is. My advice would be to leave but he will try to gaslight you to take him back or blame you. You need to have some counselling to talk things through. So you decide with someone not involved what is happening. So you are strong enough to see the manipulation and the escalation of gaslighting and threats. Been there and should have left with the first red flag- no matter what you do it will escalate and it will damage your children. Sorry it’s happening to you. Seek support immediately x

I think you caused this one, you totally undermined him, as I understand it he did not call his daugher stupid, he told her to 'stop being so stupid and go to bed'. Two very very different things, to me he is pointing out that her actions at that time are unhelpful and unworthy.

I have heard on a number of occasion parents telling their DS and DDs when they were little and acting up to stop being so stupid and just get on with whatever they were supposed to do. None of them seem to have come to any harm from it.

Stop being so stupid.

Hes abusive and a pathetic "father"

Dear Springtime,

No there's no going back from that. It's time to separate. As a last ditch effort you could try counselling but he must commit to change. Nothing of his behaviour is ok, justified or acceptable.

He's not only intimidating and horrible towards you, he's that towards your little ones. They will grow up to resent and fear him. Worst case, he manages to instill in them this is what a marriage looks like, and what a wife should do and endure. And eventually your daughters will face it from their partners too. Surely you don't want that to any of you.

If you feel scared telling him you want out, see a lawyer and domestic violence support people (you can call your town's social services to ask about it, or google a charity). You need all the support you can get to plan your next steps. The only way where his behaviour can escalate is to physical violence now. Please don't just sit and wait it to happen.

I've been married twenty years, and have experienced cancer, paralysis and sepsis... Never once has my husband behaved like this. It's misogynistic bullying and you don't have to tolerate it.

Hello, abusive partner.

There have been numerous posts on this thread that explain why this isn’t the case.

Yes, she should just get on with rearing the kids without his help, never bother him, put up with her kids being called stupid if he has to look after them for oh, two minutes, and just smile when called a fucking piece of shit repeatedly.

She did do the right though by not saying a word to these actions by her oh-so-justified husband .. right?

It's terrible that she tried to remove him though and take action to stop her kids being the target of and then seeing their mum abused. She should have been grateful he looked after them for 120 seconds.

I am so sorry OP I can’t offer any advice but just wanted to say you sound like a great mum and person and it must be hard enough waiting for British citizenship and having young children without any support.

He has previously been angry with you for not doing everything after you broke your foot?
This isn't right.
How he speaks to you and your daughter isn't right.
He is not a nice man.
Him being nice when everything is perfect and he has to make no effort to keep it perfect does not make him a nice man. It makes him controlling

And anyone who says it is physical abuse? He was being verbally abusive in front of their daughter who sounded terrified and distressed, what you you have done in that situation? I'm sure you will all sit on here saying how you would have calmly spoken to him or somehow "waited until he'd calmed down and had a grown up conversation"

He wasn't calming down. He was angry and frightening. Should she have continued to let her child be subjected to witnessing that?

I mean if you're all so amazing at keeping calm regardless of the situation maybe you could join the police force or similar. Show them how it's done.

OP, am sure others have said this, but contact Women's aid.for advice. I hope you have friends you can speak to.

Also why all the moving around? If this was led by him I'd worry about it being a way to keep you isolated and vulnerable.

Have you left this piece of shit yet OP

Oh love , why are you still with this piece of shit? ( Unfair to shit I know but there you go. ) Build yourself up mentally, physically and emotionally and prepare to leave. Things will not get better. 🍀

Agreed. Those of you saying she made it physical, should be ashamed of yourselves. He swore abusively at her in her face several times and refused to leave the room. No way would I take that. He’s lucky OP didn’t boot him in the balls.

The type of response that recommends cowering quietly and submissively until a vile man calms down is never going to work with a bloke like this. He needs to know he has seriously crossed a line. Unless the apology is sincere there is no going back here.

To be honest it was never great anyway. No DH should treat you like a malfunctioning domestic appliance and get irritated when you’re ill.

You are so right. I find it really concerning that there are individuals coming on to threads by abused women to collude in her abuse and increase her risk by advising her that unless she passively accepts it, she too is 'an abuser'. It's an insidious attempt to undermine the progress that's been made in helping women recognise abuse, and needs challenging every time.

Well said. Many of the responses here are sickening, to be honest. I suppose the best that can be said for them is that the writers’ comprehension skills are clearly very poor.

There is a big difference between hitting your partner because you’ve lost control, and pushing him out of a room when his behaviour is frightening your child.

God there are some idiots on this thread who seem more concerned with their perceived ideas of being 'fair' to men, than actually listening to the OP.

Your husband is a misogynistic bully who sees you as nothing but an appliance, when you have any issues around illness or upset (ie, being human), you're inconveniencing him. He is not a good man and his childhood is no excuse for his behaviour (and I say that's someone who had a very abusive childhood). You need to get yourself and your daughters away from this arsehole, which I know is easier said than done.

I'm not sure what your forum settings are, but you have managed to resurrect an old thread that haven't been posted in since May. The OP, @Springtimesadness has been silence since April. I hope that's not a bad thing though and that family issues went to a resolution.