Big argument with DH has gone out of control. In need of your gentle advice.

[Springtimesadness]

Evening all .

Frequent poster on here but name changing for this one. DH and I been together for 10 years and have got 2 beautiful daughters together both very young. We never had support from neither grandparents, moved around a lot , never had much but always found a way to make it work and count our blessings and work hard and always stick together and support each other. Not sure if its relevant but I feel trapped.

When all is good and as he puts it 'i have got things in the house under control' we are good. However, if anything happens at all to me, for example I get sick , or break my foot or feel overwheed or have received upseting news about my family (they are in Ukraine ) and ask him to 'take over a bit ' the whole house spiralls out of control very vere quickly. He hasnt got much patience and then often starts losing it at the girls for misbehaving and on and on it goes until I step in and he then blames all of that on me 'falling apart' . It always feels like I shouldnt have said anything because his 'take over" was a much worser thing then me pushing through.

After yet another incident , I am in tears right now. He spent the whole day working on a presentation so we didnt see much of him. Our youngest was playful refusing to go to bed and so I asked him if he would mind taking over and settling her since he barely seen her whole day. After 4 mins I heard him telling her to stop being 'so stupid and go to bed'. I immediately returned to the room to tell him that she is not stupid and is just overtired. He then proceded to blame my 'shit parenting" for that and for whatever think they watched on an Ipad for 45 mins (he wasnt helping whole day and I needed to cook a family meal somehow). It then escallated to him calling me 'a fucking piece of shit who ruined the whole day ' in front my youngest daughter. I didnt say a word but he kept on repeating that to my face at least 4 times until I pushed him out of the room.

I am all in shock. He now came saying that he would be a bigger person and apologise if I apologise for 'physically attacking him when I pushed him out of the bedroom. I refused for the first time ever. Refused to be gaslighted into believing I dont anything wrong. This exchange has made me sick to my stomach. He had got a very challenging time at work but i can find no excuse to that. I feel like my heart broke today. I believed we had a pretty decent family and even planned to go on holiday next week. Now it feels like I am all alone and the person I loved is not the same person I just had this argument with.

AIBU to think you cant move on from that? If anyone did move on what did it take ?

If I heard my husband verbally abusing my small child, you bet I'm going to "undermine" him in front of her. There's no point trying to both-sides this one, the man is an unstable bully who abuses his wife and children. OP this will get worse, not better. You need to call Women's Aid and get some support to leave him safely. Think about how he will treat your girls when they get old enough to really challenge his temper.

Hello all !

Thank you for investing your time into replying to this thread. It was a very challenging spring for me and that very situation led to a big shift and a discussion with my husband that there is no future for our family if he doesnt change. Since then my husband been diagnosed with severe work related burnout and depression and have taken a lot of time off work (he had never done it before) which helped him to reconnect with us all individually and as a family. In addition his mum was diagnosed with cancer and needed an emergency operation which I guess put a lot of things into perspective for him. As for myself , I acknowledged that I was no longer happy with the unequal dynamic between us and have recently started a TA job at school which meant that he had to step in with children and other family responsibilities and to actual cope with them. My pay is not great but I love working with kids and it makes me happy as I see huge potential in little ones.

We shall see what the future holds but there was still a lot of love and vulnerability there in this relationship to throw it away but immediate changes had to be made.

It is good to read that there is hope. I hope he has seen how absolutely unacceptable his behaviour was at the time.

Lovely that you've found a job you like and that he is at least doing something with the children.

Good luck!