Big argument with DH has gone out of control. In need of your gentle advice.

[Springtimesadness]

Evening all .

Frequent poster on here but name changing for this one. DH and I been together for 10 years and have got 2 beautiful daughters together both very young. We never had support from neither grandparents, moved around a lot , never had much but always found a way to make it work and count our blessings and work hard and always stick together and support each other. Not sure if its relevant but I feel trapped.

When all is good and as he puts it 'i have got things in the house under control' we are good. However, if anything happens at all to me, for example I get sick , or break my foot or feel overwheed or have received upseting news about my family (they are in Ukraine ) and ask him to 'take over a bit ' the whole house spiralls out of control very vere quickly. He hasnt got much patience and then often starts losing it at the girls for misbehaving and on and on it goes until I step in and he then blames all of that on me 'falling apart' . It always feels like I shouldnt have said anything because his 'take over" was a much worser thing then me pushing through.

After yet another incident , I am in tears right now. He spent the whole day working on a presentation so we didnt see much of him. Our youngest was playful refusing to go to bed and so I asked him if he would mind taking over and settling her since he barely seen her whole day. After 4 mins I heard him telling her to stop being 'so stupid and go to bed'. I immediately returned to the room to tell him that she is not stupid and is just overtired. He then proceded to blame my 'shit parenting" for that and for whatever think they watched on an Ipad for 45 mins (he wasnt helping whole day and I needed to cook a family meal somehow). It then escallated to him calling me 'a fucking piece of shit who ruined the whole day ' in front my youngest daughter. I didnt say a word but he kept on repeating that to my face at least 4 times until I pushed him out of the room.

I am all in shock. He now came saying that he would be a bigger person and apologise if I apologise for 'physically attacking him when I pushed him out of the bedroom. I refused for the first time ever. Refused to be gaslighted into believing I dont anything wrong. This exchange has made me sick to my stomach. He had got a very challenging time at work but i can find no excuse to that. I feel like my heart broke today. I believed we had a pretty decent family and even planned to go on holiday next week. Now it feels like I am all alone and the person I loved is not the same person I just had this argument with.

AIBU to think you cant move on from that? If anyone did move on what did it take ?

You were keeping her safe. Not assaulting him

He will threaten 50/50 or sole custody but just ignore.

I think that you need to keep a secret diary of everything that happens every day and make a plan to leave him

I totally disagree! If my partner called my child stupid I would intervene no question!

I think pushing someone out of the room to defend yourself from verbally abusing you is absolutely fine.

Bloody hell, what is wrong with some people. You would just take the verbal abuse in front of your child so as not to "make it physical"?

🙄🙄🙄

Hope you and your daughter are ok OP. Yes he needs to seek help or else I would leave him. But I think you should leave him. You are both worth more than that.

I just never expected to be so heartbroken by him . He is my best friend and I have cared for our small family so vigilantly and lovingly like the bravest soldier. Even on bad day, I would be the one to go to the kids and say today wasnt good but lets have high hopes for tomorrow as who knows what magic it might brings. I now feel like a shell of myself and cannot reinsure my kids that this will be ok tomorrow anymore.

I was now told that he wont ever sleep with me ever again . It is in fact... a very big loss. The whole situation was apparently such a big turn on .

I can feel your disappointment in him and the worry for your future. I second keeping a diary to remind yourself. Of course his behaviour isn't ok and will be harmful emotionally to your children. If I were you I would only consider continuing if he's willing to go to counselling.

So basically everything is fine as long as he can concentrate completely on his job, but the minute he has to be a husband or father, he becomes very unpleasant and makes life worse? Sending you a clear message that you should not ask him to do this stuff and he sees you as nothing more than a house keeper, childminder and domestic organiser.
I don't know why men like this bother to have families.....well actually i do. Just stay single and have your career and stop making people's lives a misery.

Well.. pretty much this. When we discussed family it was all different and i had so many beautiful visions. To give him some credit we went through many unexpected rough stages very early on in our relationship and neved had any outside support so there was a lot of pressure for him to work in order for us to stay together (i havent got UK citizenship).

However, now I think it is often work for the sake of work. I mean he says it is for us all so I can just do something I enjoy rather than have to... as long as I am always there at the pick up of course. And the house is in order. And I have let the electician in. And he got laundry ready for work. And the girls are perfectly fine. And the dinner is ready . And obviously I am not allowed to have a bad day am I ?

oh OK, so he has also massively isolated you from a support network over the years. This doesn't surprise me.
You saw clearly tonight that this is not a good or a safe situation for you or the children. He's crossed this line once now, he'll do it again. These things can build up quite slowly.
I am with the other PPs who say start putting yourself in a position of strength, and put yourself and the girls first. You can't magic away what your daughter witnessed but you can show her it's not acceptable and you won't stand for it. I think it's what you do next that really matters.

And, you were justified in pushing him.

Sending you all sorts of strength and good vibes. You can do this. He is not a partner in any meaningful sense of the word.

@Springtimesadness you’ve been doing it all and the only reason it was all lovely is because you were keeping things smooth and calm and you’ve seen the light. It must feel terrible but at least you can make a plan now to get out of this situation. Hope you’re doing ok.

Your DH is a misogynist, it just won't end well. There is no relationship left when you utter the words he has said. You either leave him or it becomes dangerous and there is a poor outcome either physically or emotionally for you and your DCs. I suggest running far and fast from this man.

the way he spoke to their daughter is what you seem to have overlooked

Just to clarify no he hasnt isolated me from them deliberately . Life had done that due to Covid (some of my family members died), relocations etc. It wasnt something he did.

Divorce the piece of shit. Misogynistic bastard. He is abusive.

I appreciate all the replies so much. And yes, I am heartbroken at the moment. I dont know what this situation was but it made me feel like a bucket of dirt was thrown all over me by the one person who promised to protect and cherish me. I would like to take small steps and not big ones first though as I wouldnt want any massive distress to my best friends and my angels.. to my girls.

I dont think my husband is that daft to throw this all away either but I want change because I never want to feel this way by any men ever again. But is there hope? How do you work through that?

Or do you leave?

This man has never been your best friend. Do you think he is a good example of a husband and father for your children? They watch and learn and repeat the pattern. This incident has opened your eyes a tiny bit. Now open them fully.

She was pushing a man out of a child's bedroom who was screaming profanity and abuse in her face FOUR times. That's a mother protecting her child and herself from an abusive man. Do not dare try to make out like OP did something wrong. She's not the abusive one here. Shame on you.

You leave, because once they've crossed the line, it'll only get worse. I have no doubt that he had his phone on voice record to try to capture you admitting to attacking him. You were right not to apologise for protecting yourself and your child from him while he was screaming vile abuse at you.

He has not even tried to apologise to you, he believes he did no wrong and it was all on you.

You deserve better, and if you stay, he'll continue to abuse you and your children. Those beautiful girls don't deserve that either xx

My parents {My natural mum died and dad remarried -} they used to have some really hectic rows {New Wife and Dad} - it would get physical, with her hitting him...he never hit back.

However, they stayed together and it seemed to work ok - It's not easy having young children- on here, everyone says ''Leave''- but it's up to you- if you can both weather the storm, it might be fine.

Dad was rather 'traditional' - he never did housework or cooked, and mum got fed up with this.

Children definitely do add stress to a relationship, and men can easily get irritated - the ''workaholic'' thing is escape for them, to get away from wife and kids.

My neighbour is like this...he semi jokingly said once ''I don't really want to go indoors..I can hear the kids crying.

Work is easier!

He should have carried on swearing at her in front of their small child?

Pushing him out of the room was hardly over-reacting.

And I'll lay odds he's bigger than she is so I doubt he came to any harm

Utter nonsense.

What would you have done under those circumstances?

He's a pig.

Thank you. The OP protected her daughter.

I left a man like that.
I took my little girls and never looked back.

We thrived without him - they went every other weekend.
They're almost grown now.