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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Big argument with DH has gone out of control. In need of your gentle advice.

328 replies

Springtimesadness · 28/04/2024 21:44

Evening all .

Frequent poster on here but name changing for this one. DH and I been together for 10 years and have got 2 beautiful daughters together both very young. We never had support from neither grandparents, moved around a lot , never had much but always found a way to make it work and count our blessings and work hard and always stick together and support each other. Not sure if its relevant but I feel trapped.

When all is good and as he puts it 'i have got things in the house under control' we are good. However, if anything happens at all to me, for example I get sick , or break my foot or feel overwheed or have received upseting news about my family (they are in Ukraine ) and ask him to 'take over a bit ' the whole house spiralls out of control very vere quickly. He hasnt got much patience and then often starts losing it at the girls for misbehaving and on and on it goes until I step in and he then blames all of that on me 'falling apart' . It always feels like I shouldnt have said anything because his 'take over" was a much worser thing then me pushing through.

After yet another incident , I am in tears right now. He spent the whole day working on a presentation so we didnt see much of him. Our youngest was playful refusing to go to bed and so I asked him if he would mind taking over and settling her since he barely seen her whole day. After 4 mins I heard him telling her to stop being 'so stupid and go to bed'. I immediately returned to the room to tell him that she is not stupid and is just overtired. He then proceded to blame my 'shit parenting" for that and for whatever think they watched on an Ipad for 45 mins (he wasnt helping whole day and I needed to cook a family meal somehow). It then escallated to him calling me 'a fucking piece of shit who ruined the whole day ' in front my youngest daughter. I didnt say a word but he kept on repeating that to my face at least 4 times until I pushed him out of the room.

I am all in shock. He now came saying that he would be a bigger person and apologise if I apologise for 'physically attacking him when I pushed him out of the bedroom. I refused for the first time ever. Refused to be gaslighted into believing I dont anything wrong. This exchange has made me sick to my stomach. He had got a very challenging time at work but i can find no excuse to that. I feel like my heart broke today. I believed we had a pretty decent family and even planned to go on holiday next week. Now it feels like I am all alone and the person I loved is not the same person I just had this argument with.

AIBU to think you cant move on from that? If anyone did move on what did it take ?

OP posts:
WithACatLikeTread · 29/04/2024 07:20

Springtimesadness · 29/04/2024 07:17

Yes of course. I was just saying that I havent got any personal savings at the moment to move out etc or make any big decisions. Things however cannot stay the same and I do get it now.

Show quote history

Child benefit?

FeetupTvon · 29/04/2024 07:21

You stepped in too soon.
He told her to “stop being so stupid” as opposed to “you are so stupid.” Her behaviour was stupid as in silly etc… not that she is personally stupid. There’s a big difference.
Yes, he overreacted however so did you.

I would have a chat with him about how you feel/ask how he feels too.

anothernamitynamenamechange · 29/04/2024 07:25

re the pushing.

I have a 0 tolerance on physical abuse - I like to think if my partner assaulted me I would be gone. But if I was in the bedroom of my child screaming and shouting to the point my child was hiding under the covers I would expect my partner to physically remove me from said child. I would consider him a bad father if he didn't. If what happened, happened the way you told the story in your OP would not be a concern for anyone I don't think. However, don't let him change the story in both your heads to the point where he makes you apologise for pushing him, then it becomes "that time you pushed me" and then it becomes an established fact that you assaulted him that one time in a argument - and years down the line its you telling people that you did assault him once. Then people will judge you.

DancesWithDucks · 29/04/2024 07:26

With a childhood like that, I can understand why absolutely unacceptable stuff slipped out when he was losing control (nevertheless, it was absolutely vile behaviour towards you, and worse that your children saw and heard it).

But the grimmest part here is that he's doubling down. It means he doesn't genuinely see what he did wrong. Which means it'll happen again next time you don't toe the line.

Lovely, you're absolutely right - you need to change, and Im sorry to say that you need to take into account that you need to protect your children now. They should never have seen that once (which is on him not you); How you handle it now, and show them that no one should have to take abuse like this, will give them strong lessons in how to handle a similar situation in future.

No child should be called stupid repeatedly. Poor children. Nor should you ever have to put up with his abuse.

Shinealight99 · 29/04/2024 07:27

Springtimesadness · 28/04/2024 21:57

Just to clarify I had pushed him out of my daughters bedroom because he was screaming vile abuse in my face 4 times, for no reason at all and didnt stop after I had asked him to. I pushed him out because my daughter got scared and was sobbing under her cover and all she wanted was to go to sleep.

It is not a common accurance in our house yes we both get irritated but it had never come to this level before in 10 years of being together . I have carried a full load of parenting so normally I ask of very very little of him. Please be gentle in your replies as I am completely heartbroken.

This is a horrible thing to happen especially in front of a child. You mention the name calling is a first. You also mention he is having a really hard time at work. This is no excuse although if there are circumstances that are becoming intolerable this could be contributing to his outburst. How about writing down how you are feeling and asking him to explain why he has become so hostile when all you want is to do your best as a wife and mother as should he as a husband and father. Ask him if he's unhappy in the relationship and to be honest. He needs to tell you whats really wrong. You can't go on upsetting each other like this.

ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat · 29/04/2024 07:29

You need to start making serious plans to leave, even if it can't be right away. Contact women's aid. Check the rules for permanent leave to remain. I'm fairly sure you must have been here for 5 years, so you should be ok. Start putting money aside even if it means you and your DD's going without treats for a while.

He won't change. He knows you're stuck. He's counting on that. He will only escalate.

You and your daughters deserve better than that.

NonPlayerCharacter · 29/04/2024 07:29

I grew up in a house like this...in fact, the scene with the father screaming abuse at the mother while the child sobbed under the duvet was so close to something that happened to me that my heart started racing while reading it. My parents stayed together - they both wanted to - but I wished they hadn't. It only got worse and while my father was always of the "shout and smack" school of parenting, that got worse too as we got older.

FeetupTvon · 29/04/2024 07:39

You said you have a good relationship generally until this?
Why not work through it? Talk it through. Maybe there are things he is also struggling with at the moment?
In marriage everyone makes mistakes- that’s marriage and I’m certain neither of you are perfect/ nobody is.

Things got out of hand, that’s all.

Nicole1111 · 29/04/2024 07:47

This image might be helpful for you in terms of trying to figure out what’s happening in your relationship.

Big argument with DH has gone out of control. In need of your gentle advice.
localnotail · 29/04/2024 07:53

Oh OP, what a mess! It sounds you are 100% dependent on him, and he is now resenting you and trying to break your spirit as he sees you have no way out. This is a terrible situation, especially as he now have a stick to beat you with - your "aggression". As you can see from some of the posts on here, this is what you will have to put up with - being accused of being the baddie because you reacted to his abuse.

Is he older than you? How come you still have no British citizenship, after being married for I assume over 8 years? Was it something he influenced? You need to look into that, how to speed it up. You will have a lot of problems if you split up now, all to do with you having to leave the country eventually and not being allowed to take your daughters. Its a minefield, so you really need professional help. He also can, as far as I know, prevent you from getting citizenship if you start divorce procedures (though I'm not sure about this one).

You need to calm down, ignore his goading and keep repeating "I did not "push" you, I had to remove you from the room as you were being verbally aggressive and DD was terrified". Do not use word "push" again. And - speak to someone, best a family lawyer (maybe find somewhere where you can get a free consultation?) Look for any women's charities that can help you with advice on how to leave him, because I don't think there is a way back from this. After that, there's only physical violence. He will hit you at some point, unless you become a quiet and obedient slave. Be very careful with him and try to keep a record/ evidence of all the shit he does.

Good luck OP.

MrsSchrute · 29/04/2024 08:09

localnotail · 29/04/2024 07:53

Oh OP, what a mess! It sounds you are 100% dependent on him, and he is now resenting you and trying to break your spirit as he sees you have no way out. This is a terrible situation, especially as he now have a stick to beat you with - your "aggression". As you can see from some of the posts on here, this is what you will have to put up with - being accused of being the baddie because you reacted to his abuse.

Is he older than you? How come you still have no British citizenship, after being married for I assume over 8 years? Was it something he influenced? You need to look into that, how to speed it up. You will have a lot of problems if you split up now, all to do with you having to leave the country eventually and not being allowed to take your daughters. Its a minefield, so you really need professional help. He also can, as far as I know, prevent you from getting citizenship if you start divorce procedures (though I'm not sure about this one).

You need to calm down, ignore his goading and keep repeating "I did not "push" you, I had to remove you from the room as you were being verbally aggressive and DD was terrified". Do not use word "push" again. And - speak to someone, best a family lawyer (maybe find somewhere where you can get a free consultation?) Look for any women's charities that can help you with advice on how to leave him, because I don't think there is a way back from this. After that, there's only physical violence. He will hit you at some point, unless you become a quiet and obedient slave. Be very careful with him and try to keep a record/ evidence of all the shit he does.

Good luck OP.

This is very good advice. Your immigration status is a key issue here.

Original poster
Springtimesadness · 29/04/2024 08:14

Yes I am aware that my immigration status is a big issue here . No he is not older we are both 35 but we have agreed a long time ago that if we were to ever split he wont notify anyone and legally we wont divorce so I can get my passport first. I dont think he would destroy his kids lives in this way . I been living in the UK on and off since I was 18. On and off is the reason I havent got the passport yet as we lived in other countries before for many years.

OP posts:
Silverfoxette · 29/04/2024 08:21

I was told I was stupid as a child. It has stayed with me my whole life. I have always believed this about myself. you were right to step in and right to push him out the door. He is a narcissist.

MavisMarch · 29/04/2024 08:24

Don't bank on him sticking to what he previously agreed to OP. If you split all bets are off. Get your immigration status sorted and get out.

DriftingDora · 29/04/2024 08:28

He was working on a presentation for his job. Presumably it had to be done, so firstly I'd have cut him some slack there. I don't think it's too much to ask that if one of you is busy with something important, the other one steps up - providing, of course, that he would definitely do the same for you (that's the vital bit and from what you said it doesn't sound as though he would).

From your post, I read it that you became physical, pushing him out of the room. This isn't good and you know it, especially in front of kids. Ok, you say he called your child 'stupid'. Later on you may have apologised when things were calmer, but getting physical still isn't the right thing to do and did he have to prompt you into saying sorry? If so, you haven't apologised.

It sounds like you both need to sit down and have a long talk when things are calmer - talk about your views on parenting kids, for one thing, and on covering each other's back if one of you is extra busy - what are your expectations of each other, does he often call one of the kids 'stupid'? if so that's obviously not right, either.

But from the sound of it ("gone through so much shit with him", etc.) I'd say you've had enough and need to be thinking through your options.

edited for typo

SuffolkUnicorn · 29/04/2024 08:30

LTB that’s a cunt

SuffolkUnicorn · 29/04/2024 08:32

Silverfoxette · 29/04/2024 08:21

I was told I was stupid as a child. It has stayed with me my whole life. I have always believed this about myself. you were right to step in and right to push him out the door. He is a narcissist.

Same

agreed

Piratecatcher · 29/04/2024 08:33

This is long term emotional abuse.. Well done for protecting your child … for you and your daughters sake I would suggest leaving.. however don’t say that.. you first need to get some advice about your situation re citizenship as in would you be allowed to stay in uk and have custody .. start with citizens advice .. they will tell you who to contact.. is there any reason why you can’t apply for citizenship as you have lived here a long time and have a child
Check it out but without telling him
or the abuse will escalate.. I am sorry your husband is so awful and that you are in such a vulnerable situation

Moonlane · 29/04/2024 08:38

socks1107 · 28/04/2024 21:48

I think you are both in the wrong. 4 minutes was no time at all and you undermined him infront of your daughter, then physically pushed him. If this were a reverse you'd be told to ltb.
He shouldn't have shouted at you and should be helping more, but if you step in every time after a few minutes he likely feels he has no say.

Your whole relationship sounds a bit toxic and unhealthy for all of you

The op is telling you he wasn't speaking in a way that is healthy to a small child. Of course she goes in, that is not undermining at the example given. 2nd she only pushed him out the room because he was calling her a fing piece of shit over and over. THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR. this man's behaviour is disgusting.

OCDmama · 29/04/2024 08:39

alloweraoway · 28/04/2024 21:49

well, you have committed the greater wrong, you made it physical. No, I don't think there is any coming back from this, I also don't think you should have gone back into the bedroom and escalated things.

Sorry you are in this situation.

How is your daughter now? She would be my main concern at this moment, She has heard her dad insult her mum, and seen her mum assault her dad. Not that I think you should be getting her up, or making a fuss. I don't really know what you could do at this point, if she is still awake - its hard to advise. Is she awake? Is she with her sister?

Are you nuts? He wouldn't stop the verbal abuse until she pushed him out the door. She says he said it four times. It was clearly a defensive move.

I'm sorry OP but I don't think you can move on from this without your husband taking some anger management/abuse courses and couple's therapy.

You did the right thing in the moment - he shouldn't have called your daughter stupid, or said those things to you. To me that's relationship ending. What you do now will affect the rest of your daughter's lives though - the way he treats you will play out in their adult relationships. You need the show them what is and what is not acceptable in a marriage.

Loubelle70 · 29/04/2024 08:40

LordPercyPercy · 28/04/2024 21:54

well, you have committed the greater wrong, you made it physical

Pushing someone away who is repeatedly screaming abuse into your face is justifiable self defence not "making it physical".

you undermined him infront of your daughter

No, she stopped him verbally abusing her daughter too.

This

Easipeelerie · 29/04/2024 08:44

Dreadful man. You need to leave him. People victim blaming here haven’t read every word you’ve written.

Loubelle70 · 29/04/2024 08:45

Contact us at Womens Aid .. we can support, signpost you in regards your immigration status and you are being abused by your husband.

CwmYoy · 29/04/2024 08:46

There can be no hope with this awful man. Please leave, OP, before it gets worse.

NonPlayerCharacter · 29/04/2024 08:46

FeetupTvon · 29/04/2024 07:39

You said you have a good relationship generally until this?
Why not work through it? Talk it through. Maybe there are things he is also struggling with at the moment?
In marriage everyone makes mistakes- that’s marriage and I’m certain neither of you are perfect/ nobody is.

Things got out of hand, that’s all.

OP, please don't listen to people who minimise and excuse abuse like this, and whose understanding is so poor that they don't realise all abuse victims say they can't understand it because the relationship is so great in other ways etc. It's not just ignorant, it's fucking dangerous. I've had many stressful and horrible experiences, like every human on earth, and I've never abused my husband or traumatised my kids - although I grew up in a house where I was expected to take all manner of abuse myself and manage all surroundings for Daddy because he had a tough childhood.