Big argument with DH has gone out of control. In need of your gentle advice.

[Springtimesadness]

Evening all .

Frequent poster on here but name changing for this one. DH and I been together for 10 years and have got 2 beautiful daughters together both very young. We never had support from neither grandparents, moved around a lot , never had much but always found a way to make it work and count our blessings and work hard and always stick together and support each other. Not sure if its relevant but I feel trapped.

When all is good and as he puts it 'i have got things in the house under control' we are good. However, if anything happens at all to me, for example I get sick , or break my foot or feel overwheed or have received upseting news about my family (they are in Ukraine ) and ask him to 'take over a bit ' the whole house spiralls out of control very vere quickly. He hasnt got much patience and then often starts losing it at the girls for misbehaving and on and on it goes until I step in and he then blames all of that on me 'falling apart' . It always feels like I shouldnt have said anything because his 'take over" was a much worser thing then me pushing through.

After yet another incident , I am in tears right now. He spent the whole day working on a presentation so we didnt see much of him. Our youngest was playful refusing to go to bed and so I asked him if he would mind taking over and settling her since he barely seen her whole day. After 4 mins I heard him telling her to stop being 'so stupid and go to bed'. I immediately returned to the room to tell him that she is not stupid and is just overtired. He then proceded to blame my 'shit parenting" for that and for whatever think they watched on an Ipad for 45 mins (he wasnt helping whole day and I needed to cook a family meal somehow). It then escallated to him calling me 'a fucking piece of shit who ruined the whole day ' in front my youngest daughter. I didnt say a word but he kept on repeating that to my face at least 4 times until I pushed him out of the room.

I am all in shock. He now came saying that he would be a bigger person and apologise if I apologise for 'physically attacking him when I pushed him out of the bedroom. I refused for the first time ever. Refused to be gaslighted into believing I dont anything wrong. This exchange has made me sick to my stomach. He had got a very challenging time at work but i can find no excuse to that. I feel like my heart broke today. I believed we had a pretty decent family and even planned to go on holiday next week. Now it feels like I am all alone and the person I loved is not the same person I just had this argument with.

AIBU to think you cant move on from that? If anyone did move on what did it take ?

He sounds horrible, controlling and gaslighting. And honestly what’s the point of a partner if you can’t rely on them to actually be a partner. What if you actually got really sick? I dread to think how he’d behave.

I think you are both in the wrong. 4 minutes was no time at all and you undermined him infront of your daughter, then physically pushed him. If this were a reverse you'd be told to ltb.
He shouldn't have shouted at you and should be helping more, but if you step in every time after a few minutes he likely feels he has no say.

Your whole relationship sounds a bit toxic and unhealthy for all of you

well, you have committed the greater wrong, you made it physical. No, I don't think there is any coming back from this, I also don't think you should have gone back into the bedroom and escalated things.

Sorry you are in this situation.

How is your daughter now? She would be my main concern at this moment, She has heard her dad insult her mum, and seen her mum assault her dad. Not that I think you should be getting her up, or making a fuss. I don't really know what you could do at this point, if she is still awake - its hard to advise. Is she awake? Is she with her sister?

Totally disagree. He hadn't seen his dd all day yet after 2 mins was calling her stupid?? Shitty parenting - and clearly part of a pattern.

Didn't want to see this and not reply - OP, you sound very alone (and with things happening with your family in the Ukraine that would be hard before this issue with your partner.) Do you have a friend nearby/in your phone who remembers how kind, strong and wonderful you are? You're a good Mum having a hard time, please talk to yourself like you would a daughter or friend.

I'm not sure your DH is going to change when challenged by you - but totally understand how you could feel like snapping. I think it would help to get some advice from Women's Aid or Citizens Advice about your options, so you understand them and feel less trapped. Maybe also think about some counselling for you, and maybe couples counselling too.

To me it does sound like gaslighting, and so getting some help with the situation - like you've done here - is smart.

I wish you good luck because you deserve better than this. I 🤔 no you know what you need to do - get a plan in place, stay safe and hang in there.

He's an abusive, nasty man.

This is clearly a long-term pattern and you're at your wits end.

If someone called me 'a fucking piece of shit who ruined the whole day' four times, I'd push them out of the room too.

His behaviour is totally unacceptable.

And wtf?? You had looked after the dc all day; he had seen them for 5 mins. Wtf does he mean, you had ruined the day? He's a twat.

Can you leave him?

well, you have committed the greater wrong, you made it physical

Pushing someone away who is repeatedly screaming abuse into your face is justifiable self defence not "making it physical".

you undermined him infront of your daughter

No, she stopped him verbally abusing her daughter too.

@Springtimesadness don’t let him gaslight you. This isn’t right. Well done for sticking up for yourself. Think what he models as ‘man behaviour’ to your girls. You deserve so much better, someone who looks after you when you’re poorly at the very least.

Look, it’s one thing doing the washing up or laundry badly so you don’t have to do it again, and it’s quite another thing to take that approach with your children and act horribly to them! OP intervened because she had to. How would it be good if she’d left it? Can’t believe these replies.

you undermined him infront of your daughter, then physically pushed him

No child should ever be called stupid, let alone by a parent. The OP was right to stand up for her child.

If someone is repeatedly saying I'm a fucking piece of shit who ruined the whole day to my face, then for sure they'll at the very least be getting a push out of the door. WTF did they think would happen?

It all sounds awful and that you'd be much better off without him OP.

I don't agree with the others, saying that in your face 4 times in front of your child is awful and I think you're quite within your right to push him out if the room . And to call your daughter stupid, he deserves to be undermined. Sounds like he can't cope when you're not holding it all together.

He sounds awful and you are right to be questioning your relationship. But I think you need to act carefully and keep calm, not react to him as he might try and hold that against you. Until you've decided what to do.

End of the road I'm afraid. My marriage ended when my husband started calling me names and swearing at me in front of my child.

Just to clarify I had pushed him out of my daughters bedroom because he was screaming vile abuse in my face 4 times, for no reason at all and didnt stop after I had asked him to. I pushed him out because my daughter got scared and was sobbing under her cover and all she wanted was to go to sleep.

It is not a common accurance in our house yes we both get irritated but it had never come to this level before in 10 years of being together . I have carried a full load of parenting so normally I ask of very very little of him. Please be gentle in your replies as I am completely heartbroken.

@Springtimesadness Just a word of warning - remember that AIBU has a considerable number of people who love putting the boot in just for the sake of it. Take the compassionate replies (including sometimes tough love replies!) and ignore the ones that just want to hammer you.

For what it's worth imo your husband behaved very badly and you shouldn't be the only one holding the family together and on an even keel. Feeling trapped is no good. He makes difficult situations worse, not better, and you should have some time to yourself sometimes, just as he should sometimes - but not all the time.

His language and underlying attitude to you was appalling and if he was speaking to me like that in front of my child I'd have pushed him out of her bedroom too. His behaviour will be affecting her in a very negative way.

I hope you can get some help - marriage counselling or something similar - and he will listen and improve his behaviour.

Every sympathy for your distress and worry for your family in Ukraine. Again, ignore the fundamentally malicious or frankly rather unpleasant posters who either deliberately like being mean, or don't have the imagination to realise the stress you're under.

Also for the love of God please ignore @alloweraoway. Having been pushed to the absolute limit of my sanity, I understand the point you got to. Do not take this on yourself.

He’s had the whole day to himself and when just asked if he could do one thing he loses it in 4 mins ! OMG
I reckon you do most of the chores etc and if he does anything he lets you know

Hes definitely showed his true colours today hasn’t he, no wonder your upset and then to say he will apologise if you will ( for not doing as he wants you too)
what he called you is horrible, how dare he and if front of your daughter

I would not be able to move on from this, would stay with me
I would be saving all the money I can from now on (fuck off fund)

I think you need to have a conversation about parenting. It sounds as though you think he can't be trusted around the children and as a result you are hovering and interfering. He meanwhile thinks that their behaviour is due to you being too soft. He doesn't understand that it's normal for their age and doesn't do enough himself to have much understanding of the challenges. I think it's a really common pattern. Often people fall into parenting habits that reflect the way their parents treated them. Parenting books or videos can help give some tools that work without falling into unhelpful patterns.

Obviously the pushing and abusive language and not helping is bad but it can be improved if you are both willing to communicate and compromise. Can you agree on how you will approach things - you can say some things that are important to you but compromise on other things. It may take some time. You will need to step back and let him get on with it in his own way.

On the other hand if you really think he can't be trusted, you need to end the relationship.

He's painting a picture of you being abusive. Physically abusive.
Be very careful who you repeat that to.

... as @amiahoarder says, take time to calm until you can handle this calmly with him. He's not your friend at the moment.

Stick to your principles here. His behaviour was appalling.

I honestly cannot believe these replies. Why is it men seem to get a free pass on this site is beyond me.

Mum had to intervene as the child’s dad was calling her stupid. That may be normal behaviour in some of the peoples homes that have commented but certainly not mine. So mum did the right thing.

Again mum has protected the child by removing him from the room after he has repeatedly thrown abuse at mum. Again this isn’t normal behaviour, no child should be subjected to that.

OP I don’t think you did a thing wrong. I’m so sorry this happened.

You might ask MNHQ to move this to the relationships board- there tends to be a gentler tone and more support there xx

I agree he sounds awful, but the OP made it physical, and there is no excuse for that, none at all, ever.

how is your daughter now OP?

I am just realising that I no longer know what it feels like. I have gone through so much shit with him and always always believed in him and I am a great mum who tries her absolute best . I just couldnt believe the coldness it was all spoken with like he wanted me to shatter into pieces and it didnt even matter to him.

I think you need some time to process what had happened. Clearly there is 10 years of resentment and a lack of respect.

I would talk it over with someone in real life first. Then, wheb your more level headed, talk to your partner about it.

I would recommend couples counselling too.

Over all, you don't sound happy with the relationship and he is not an equal contributing partner.

I agree he sounds awful, but the OP made it physical, and there is no excuse for that, none at all, ever.

There is quite often an excuse for it and courts agree too.

Should the op have allowed her husband to continue to abuse her in her daughter's room with her child cowering under her covers?