Big argument with DH has gone out of control. In need of your gentle advice.

[Springtimesadness]

Evening all .

Frequent poster on here but name changing for this one. DH and I been together for 10 years and have got 2 beautiful daughters together both very young. We never had support from neither grandparents, moved around a lot , never had much but always found a way to make it work and count our blessings and work hard and always stick together and support each other. Not sure if its relevant but I feel trapped.

When all is good and as he puts it 'i have got things in the house under control' we are good. However, if anything happens at all to me, for example I get sick , or break my foot or feel overwheed or have received upseting news about my family (they are in Ukraine ) and ask him to 'take over a bit ' the whole house spiralls out of control very vere quickly. He hasnt got much patience and then often starts losing it at the girls for misbehaving and on and on it goes until I step in and he then blames all of that on me 'falling apart' . It always feels like I shouldnt have said anything because his 'take over" was a much worser thing then me pushing through.

After yet another incident , I am in tears right now. He spent the whole day working on a presentation so we didnt see much of him. Our youngest was playful refusing to go to bed and so I asked him if he would mind taking over and settling her since he barely seen her whole day. After 4 mins I heard him telling her to stop being 'so stupid and go to bed'. I immediately returned to the room to tell him that she is not stupid and is just overtired. He then proceded to blame my 'shit parenting" for that and for whatever think they watched on an Ipad for 45 mins (he wasnt helping whole day and I needed to cook a family meal somehow). It then escallated to him calling me 'a fucking piece of shit who ruined the whole day ' in front my youngest daughter. I didnt say a word but he kept on repeating that to my face at least 4 times until I pushed him out of the room.

I am all in shock. He now came saying that he would be a bigger person and apologise if I apologise for 'physically attacking him when I pushed him out of the bedroom. I refused for the first time ever. Refused to be gaslighted into believing I dont anything wrong. This exchange has made me sick to my stomach. He had got a very challenging time at work but i can find no excuse to that. I feel like my heart broke today. I believed we had a pretty decent family and even planned to go on holiday next week. Now it feels like I am all alone and the person I loved is not the same person I just had this argument with.

AIBU to think you cant move on from that? If anyone did move on what did it take ?

I don't think going upstairs after 4 mins to step in and undermine him was going to achieve anything but cause a huge row. He was clearly stressed for some reason and the other parent popping their head round the door to point out your handling something badly is never going to go down well.

That said his reaction was really over the top and he shouldnt have been so verbally abusive to you.

I don't think you pushing him out of the room was unjustified.

If this has never happened before in the 10 years I'd just chalk it up to a shit argument. Wait until everyone has calmed down. Then talk about it.

Are you both particularly stressed at the minute?

It really sounds to me as if he is totally oblivious to your needs and feelings and is focussing totally on himself. It doesn't sound to me as if this is something you can sort out yourselves. I think you really need some couples counselling. Do you think he would do this?

Some responses are utter bollox

he was not being physical. She made it physical

@Springtimesadness I've experienced this too when my H just had a total meltdown one day and was really nasty to my face- mine didn't call me a piece of shit but he did manage 'smarty pants, 'smart arse' and the expression 'why would anyone want you' when he caught me looking for a new job at 56 after working alongside him for many years. He says that didn't come out as he meant- it was still incredibly hurtful - gave never quite forgot it- I would take stock OP- put yourself in a position of strength if needed- make sure you have work, money you can access if needed , etc -put yourself and your girls first and see how it goes

Undermined him? He was calling the little girl stupid, give over. I’d have chucked him out there and then.

Why?

It's not flipping helping. They are his kids as well.

Yes its been stressful. However, the difference is he is allowed to be stressed and sort of focus on that area of stress or problem untill its figured out because he knows I got everything else under my wing. He doesnt complain of my parenting then because it benefits him. I am, however, not as of course kids pick up on my stress more and then as he puts it 'the system collapses because I havent got it under control'. And he never steps in. Or if he does it ends up in bigger stress and name calling. I feel so lonely in these moments.

It definitely is connected to his childhood as he is an only child and his dad is a gaslighter.

It sounds like this spiralled and you are both in the wrong.

Couples will argue but I don’t believe this should play out in front of your kids, it’s not healthy.

Whatever is happening in the relationship you both aren’t communicating effectively and so it’s escalating to this. Should he have spoken to you like that - No, but should you have pushed him - No.

I was married like that for 12 years (the arguments like that didn’t happen in front of the kids and the physical elements were from him not me) but ultimately we just weren’t suitable to be in a relationship together because whatever happened when we disagreed ended up descending into something it shouldn’t have.

Go to counselling together, or call it quits.

It sounds like she stepped in after 4 mins because, despite not having seen his children all day, after 4 mins he had lost his patience and started shouting at the child.

What even is the point of him if he can't even hold the fort with his own kids occasionally.
There's a term for what he does - weaponise incompetence.

I am not surprised you pushed him out if he was repeating that sort of language at you . It's really intimidating. Don't let anybody try and make you think that you being defensive and pushing him out and away from you, was in any way equivalent.

Calling a small child, his small child, stupid is a million times worse than a woman pushing her husband away.

Abuse isn’t just physical though. Should she have let him stay in the room and continue to verbally abuse her in front of their children indefinitely?

Ridiculous. He'd done no parenting all day and was obviously pissed off at being asked to do bedtime. Then he got impatient with his very young daughter and told her to stop being so stupid. Next thing you know he's swearing aggressively at OP in front of child.

Thank you so much ! This is very helpful and is definitely an eye opener for me to start making some plans for myself and see what his move will be and if he supports me at least half as much. Unfortunately, due to circumstances of our life I have lost a big chunk of my own personal circle/ support ntwork you name it . I was always the one adjusting the family , making new friends then leaving it behind and starting over etc. I have also got my whole family in a different country. In other words he knows I am vulnerable and in a way he has become my family and yet he treats me like i am nothing..... i didnt marry into that

Until you’ve faced verbal abuse. Serious verbal abuse. Which is a crime in itself you can’t comment. To have a man scream at you abuse, in front of your scared children. Damn right she tried to get him out of the room. He’s an abusive wanker.

He is abusive op.

You've done nothing wrong and ignore the peanut gallery saying you're as bad. Its nearly their bedtime.

You stopped him being vile to a 4 year old and got him out of the way while he was shouting abuse in your face. Nothing wrong with that.

If the roles in front of your child had been reversed, how would he have reacted? Ponder this, don’t accept his treatment and don’t comply with his conditional apology which he using to let him off the hook.

He can't handle the stress of paid work and he can't handle the stress of parenting. he's pathetic.

A screaming man is QUITE PHYSICAL. Stop minimizing his abuse of the child and then his verbal abuse of OP.

Thank you for all your replies I feel less alone somehow . I am not a physical person at all but this psychological table turning that he always uses whenever I ask him to simply step into our family life has got to me eventually. I look at those dads with 3 kids a scooter on his back and smile on a Sunday afternoon and cry sometimes. I have never seen him doing anything of that kind unless I force him too and then ... yes there is always an argument later in the day. I lost count of these situations.

I feel so guilty my child saw me hysterical in tears sobbing and screaming to stop calling me that and pushing her dad out. But I had to make it stop somehow.

Can he sue me ? Take my children away ? He wouldnt cope 2 days to be fair but still... can he ?

OP, he is not a good person, he is only nice as long as he is getting his own way. When he doesn't get his own way he turns abusive very quickly.

Please talk to Women's Aid asap and get some support.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

The Freedom Programme
https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

WTF?

It is entirely appropriate and proper to ‘undermine’ the parent that calls your child ‘stupid’!!!

To not do so would be poor parenting, just not as poor as actually calling your child ‘stupid’!