Big argument with DH has gone out of control. In need of your gentle advice.

[Springtimesadness]

Evening all .

Frequent poster on here but name changing for this one. DH and I been together for 10 years and have got 2 beautiful daughters together both very young. We never had support from neither grandparents, moved around a lot , never had much but always found a way to make it work and count our blessings and work hard and always stick together and support each other. Not sure if its relevant but I feel trapped.

When all is good and as he puts it 'i have got things in the house under control' we are good. However, if anything happens at all to me, for example I get sick , or break my foot or feel overwheed or have received upseting news about my family (they are in Ukraine ) and ask him to 'take over a bit ' the whole house spiralls out of control very vere quickly. He hasnt got much patience and then often starts losing it at the girls for misbehaving and on and on it goes until I step in and he then blames all of that on me 'falling apart' . It always feels like I shouldnt have said anything because his 'take over" was a much worser thing then me pushing through.

After yet another incident , I am in tears right now. He spent the whole day working on a presentation so we didnt see much of him. Our youngest was playful refusing to go to bed and so I asked him if he would mind taking over and settling her since he barely seen her whole day. After 4 mins I heard him telling her to stop being 'so stupid and go to bed'. I immediately returned to the room to tell him that she is not stupid and is just overtired. He then proceded to blame my 'shit parenting" for that and for whatever think they watched on an Ipad for 45 mins (he wasnt helping whole day and I needed to cook a family meal somehow). It then escallated to him calling me 'a fucking piece of shit who ruined the whole day ' in front my youngest daughter. I didnt say a word but he kept on repeating that to my face at least 4 times until I pushed him out of the room.

I am all in shock. He now came saying that he would be a bigger person and apologise if I apologise for 'physically attacking him when I pushed him out of the bedroom. I refused for the first time ever. Refused to be gaslighted into believing I dont anything wrong. This exchange has made me sick to my stomach. He had got a very challenging time at work but i can find no excuse to that. I feel like my heart broke today. I believed we had a pretty decent family and even planned to go on holiday next week. Now it feels like I am all alone and the person I loved is not the same person I just had this argument with.

AIBU to think you cant move on from that? If anyone did move on what did it take ?

He sounds absolutely vile. Leave him.

Just to add.... another one who was called stupid by a parent. I still feel like I am stupid. When I achieved my qualifications, I felt like it was a fluke. When I passed my driving test, I thought the examiner was just kind. Working in a senior position, then spent 5 years waiting for them to realise I was actually stupid. I'm a teacher now to adults with learning difficulties - the irony eh! But yet somehow, I'm still stupid.

My point is, this shit sticks. When we get told these things as children by the people who are there to love and protect us, we take it as truth.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I really am. You protected your child. Be proud of yourself. X

I highly recommend the book "Hold me tight" if you have any hope of turning this around. Right now you're a single mother with or without him. My husband was a stressed workaholic, with the excuse that it was to support us. Over and over I told him "I'd rather live in a box with you as a fully present husband and father than in this house with you too stressed to spend quality time with us."

I would tell him "how you treat me is how our daughters will expect to be treated by others"

He didn't change until he had a near death experience and realized that the only memories he would have of his children were work. We went to therapy, read that book and now we are in a very loving supportive relationship. He even took a cut at work to spend more time with us.

That being said, he never called out children names and he never called me a name or screamed in my face. If he ever did what your dh, I would have turned to my daughter and said "honey I love you, can you please get your socks and shoes on." Then I would have started calmly grabbing some her and her sisters clothes while he kept screaming. If he or the children asked where we were going. I would have said that dad obviously needs some space to calm his body, so we're going for a drive. I would come back once. I would not come back a second time.

These situations only get worse over time unless both parties are committed to work on improving themselves and their communication. Your DH does not sound like that right now. He needs to meet your needs as a wife and mother as well as you meet his.

The children are going to mimic the emotional regulation that you and your husband show them. He didn't show good emotion regulation, so obviously his child won't.

He was screaming that in her face in front of their daughter and you think she’s more in the wrong?! Wow! I’m gobsmacked!

What a horrid situation to be in, you need to get away from him for your own mental health and especially that of your girls. I would be starting to make plans to leave, do you have somewhere to go, people you can stay with? This isn’t a healthy relationship

Do the children have British passports? It is extremely unlikely that you would be refused the right to remain if so. Please access the support posted on here and organise your British passport asap. You need to work so you can be independent.

Your husband doesn’t want a wife with opinions, he wants a domestic slave. You were very wrong to push him, but he is very wrong to have left all parenting to you for the past 8 years.

I know the response I would get but if my child was being put in a situation that was damaging I'd do whether it took to get that person away from them.

Sorry I don't have any advice, sounds like I could of wrote this, its a recurrence just about every night if I ask my hubby to put daughter to bed, we are completely different stlye of parenting, he would start yelling also if she dont sleep straight away, and she starts crying, I then always have to go and settle her and put her to bed anyway, it's just really making me sad also, sorry I don't have any advice

Children are not adults. They tend to be thin skinned. Their brains are not fully formed. I'm amazed you don't know that.

You are both being unreasonable to behave that way in front of your children

Just to say, pushing your partner out of the room is NOT assault. I work with people who genuinely assault others and victims of those assaults, and this does not fall anywhere near that category. OP, you sound very alone and overwhelmed. Can you talk to a support agency like Orange Door? This behaviour is classed as family violence and you should not accept it, for you or your children. Reach out and ask for help.

you clearly don't, if you can't work out that pushing someone out of a room is assault.

It is assault.

The Op assaulted her partner.

There is absolutely to wriggle room on this, and it doesn't matter how many people don't like to hear it, but the Op committed a criminal assault at this point.

'Criminal assault' when he was standing in the child's room shouting at them both, are you sure about that?

This is bollocks.

she was not using unreasonable force and he was shouting at her/her child. She used reasonable force to remove him from the room. It’s not criminal and there absolutely is wriggle room. Of course you may not believe it was warranted or reasonable but you aren’t the one deciding and many would not agree.
From CPS:

In assessing the reasonableness of the force used, prosecutors should ask two questions:

• was the use of force necessary in the circumstances, i.e. Was there a need for any force at all?; and
• was the force used reasonable in the circumstances?

but there was no need to move the argument up to physical at all. This only applies if someone else has used force against you, which did not happen. They were screaming at each other in front of their child. The Op took it further and introduced physical violence.

1000% the OP is in the wrong

It doesn't matter how many people on here say otherwise, they are all wrong.

And if the sexes were reversed, they would have the opposite opinion

Why are you still with him?

Yes, but I'm talking about the adults in this post who haven't been able to move past this, despite a distance of decades, professional careers, having their own families, etc. It's remarkable.

@alloweraoway you're just making shit up to suit your narrative. There was no screaming at each other. He was shouting abuse at OP. She had three options: leave the room and leave the child with her angry,abusive DH, pick up her child from bed and leave the room or remove him from the child's room.

The first is out of the question. The second, would've probably been best but you know, it's hard to always make the best decision when your child is frightened and you're under a barrage of abuse. She chose the third. Not ideal, but not assault either and the law would support that.

If it was a man I would've said the exact same thing.

What would you have done?

You are deluded. Why do you hate women so much?

How should she have got him of the room then, to stop him scaring the small child who was cowering under the covers? Just keep screaming?

I suspect it is a lot more than being called stupid "once". We are all shaped by what happens to us as we're growing up. I remember being upset by things said to me when I was younger, or my feelings being dismissed, so I am careful with the feelings of younger ones as a result. I had wonderful parents but plenty of peope don't and it is not uncommon to have lasting emotional trauma from this. Unless you (generic) recognise and unpick it then it will become part of you.

OP for the record - please block this ridiculous individual and all the others who think you were both as bad as each other. You weren't. I hope you're Ok x

All this ‘if the sexes were reversed stuff’ is disingenuous clap trap anyway. The sexes aren’t reversed, we’re dealing with the situation in the OP. Men are bigger, stronger and statistically more violent than women. If he pushed her, it is likely that it would be scary/intimidating/likely to cause pain and she’d be worried about escalation. Her pushing him… far less scary and intimidating. If the sexes were reversed it would be an entirely different scenario we were discussing. Best to stick to the actual issue at hand.

No it does not only apply to someone who has used force against you. You are legally permitted to deploy reasonable force to apprehend assault. I quote s3 Criminal Law Act 1967.
“A person may use such force as is reasonable in the circumstances for the purposes of (in the alternative): -

• self-defence;
• defence of another;
• defence of property;
• prevention of crime;
• lawful arrest.

In assessing the reasonableness of the force used, prosecutors should ask two questions:

• was the use of force necessary in the circumstances, i.e. Was there a need for any force at all?; and
• was the force used reasonable in the circumstances?

The courts have indicated that both questions are to be answered on the basis of the facts as the accused honestly believed them to be (R v Williams (G) 78 Cr App R 276), (R. v Oatbridge, 94 Cr App R 367). To that extent it is a subjective test. There is, however, an objective element to the test. The jury must then go on to ask themselves whether, on the basis of the facts as the accused believed them to be, a reasonable person would regard the force used as reasonable or excessive.”

I put it to you that an individual shouting fucking piece of shit in your face in front of a frightened child in their bedroom and the OP’s pushing or shoving him out of the room would be deemed to be reasonable in the circumstances. There would even be an argument it was defence of another - their terrified child who had already been verbally berated by this piece of shit and was now being subjected to this abysmal treatment of her mother which will have traumatised her.
if she had smashed him over the head with a nightlight you might have a point. She didn’t . You don’t.

and for the record no this would not be different in a role reversal because the people on here telling you that you are out of line are not misandrists rather people who know abuse when they read it. Regardless of gender.