Big argument with DH has gone out of control. In need of your gentle advice.

[Springtimesadness]

Evening all .

Frequent poster on here but name changing for this one. DH and I been together for 10 years and have got 2 beautiful daughters together both very young. We never had support from neither grandparents, moved around a lot , never had much but always found a way to make it work and count our blessings and work hard and always stick together and support each other. Not sure if its relevant but I feel trapped.

When all is good and as he puts it 'i have got things in the house under control' we are good. However, if anything happens at all to me, for example I get sick , or break my foot or feel overwheed or have received upseting news about my family (they are in Ukraine ) and ask him to 'take over a bit ' the whole house spiralls out of control very vere quickly. He hasnt got much patience and then often starts losing it at the girls for misbehaving and on and on it goes until I step in and he then blames all of that on me 'falling apart' . It always feels like I shouldnt have said anything because his 'take over" was a much worser thing then me pushing through.

After yet another incident , I am in tears right now. He spent the whole day working on a presentation so we didnt see much of him. Our youngest was playful refusing to go to bed and so I asked him if he would mind taking over and settling her since he barely seen her whole day. After 4 mins I heard him telling her to stop being 'so stupid and go to bed'. I immediately returned to the room to tell him that she is not stupid and is just overtired. He then proceded to blame my 'shit parenting" for that and for whatever think they watched on an Ipad for 45 mins (he wasnt helping whole day and I needed to cook a family meal somehow). It then escallated to him calling me 'a fucking piece of shit who ruined the whole day ' in front my youngest daughter. I didnt say a word but he kept on repeating that to my face at least 4 times until I pushed him out of the room.

I am all in shock. He now came saying that he would be a bigger person and apologise if I apologise for 'physically attacking him when I pushed him out of the bedroom. I refused for the first time ever. Refused to be gaslighted into believing I dont anything wrong. This exchange has made me sick to my stomach. He had got a very challenging time at work but i can find no excuse to that. I feel like my heart broke today. I believed we had a pretty decent family and even planned to go on holiday next week. Now it feels like I am all alone and the person I loved is not the same person I just had this argument with.

AIBU to think you cant move on from that? If anyone did move on what did it take ?

Even if your partner was gone for 1 minute and called your child "stupid" you wouldn't intervene? He's verbally abusing the child, but it's too early to step in? Wow.

If my husband was verbally abusing me in front of my child and wouldn't respond to me asking him to stop, I would push him out too. I'm not going to be complicit in abusing and scaring my child.

He doesn't see you as an equal human being. He sees you as a domestic appliance.

He believes he is superior to you and your children. That he is "The Boss" and everyone must do as he says.

He does not believe that he should have any responsibility for child-rearing, domestic chores, or emotional support for his wife or children. This includes all the logistics of what children require.

The concept of "partnership", of sharing the load, is lost on him. It is up to him what he does with his time. You have no right to ask him to spend his time in any other way.

Your role as WIFE and MOTHER is to facilitate his life, to provide all domestic services, and to do as you are told.

You are NOT ALLOWED to have any freedoms, including the freedom to take a day off sick from your domestic role. You have no right to be ill.

Any problems that arise within the domestic environment - whether it be child-reading, catering, running the house, cleaning and chores - are YOUR FAULT.

I would suggest it is time for you to reassess your relationship with your husband. This is not a marriage model that can work in the long term. It sounds like he needs some serious guidance. Whether this comes from marriage counselling, or an anger management course, who knows.

Perhaps when this has all calmed down you might suggest you both see a counsellor. If he reacts angrily, you will know that he has absolutely no intention of changing anything. In which case you should probably talk to Women's Aid for advice.

Good luck.

Really well put. Nails it.

You want very young children to understand the distinction when a parent is saying "stupid"? Being stupid is almost as bad anyway when you are talking to children.

At any rate that's not a reason for the husband to shout profanities at the mother in front of the child.

I wonder if comments of this nature are being posted by abusive men.

@Springtimesadness

clearly the piece of fucking shit who ruins the day in your house is not you

ignore the people who are telling you that you are abusive or toxic for intervening in the situation and behaving the way you did. They are either trolls, abusive individuals themselves or even worse shite parents who think calling your young child stupid is just a different approach to parenting as opposed to what it is which is cruel and emotionally abusive.

The worst thing she could do is go to a counsellor with this man. It would merely be a springboard for him to inflict punishment on her. I don’t believe a decent counsellor would even take them on.
Interestingly the first section of your post sets that why beautifully.

Physically attacked my ass. You are allowed to get a screaming man who is trying to intimidate you out of your space.

You are also not in the wrong for sticking up for your child against this opted-out parent and bully of a man.
Me and DH both call each other out if we think one of us has gone too far with our words in a moment of frustration. It's not undermining. It's okay for kids to see that parents do not always get it right but the other parent is looking out for them and for the parent who has gotten frustrated and has both their backs. This "solid front", unassailable authority school of parenting is nonsense.

I'm also so tired of hearing that you can't be your child's friend. The idea behind this seems to be, you have to be able to lead them and if you try to be their friend you will be too nice and give in to them all the time. Makes me wonder what kind of shit friends you all have. Good friends don't accept awful behaviour and have boundaries, like good parents. In the case of parents and children who are friends, that includes a leadership relationship from one side, but it can still be a friendship. My children are absolutely my friends. It would be sad if they weren't.

OP, I don't know how possible it is for you to leave, but this man sounds absolutely contemptuous of you and seems to take you totally for granted. I'm sorry you were treated in this way and no, you are not equally to blame.

I feel so shaken up by it all. His claim is that I hit him whilst pushing him out (me repeatedly forcefully tapping him on a chest with my hands whilst telling him to leave the room and pushing him through the door).

I just felt like he was purpousefully making me feel so little and small and useless and despite me asking him to stop he carried on repeating it all close to my face I lost control. I swear I hated him in that moment so much its like he was a different person from the one I married.

Thank you so much everyone for just even hearing me out. I havent got anyone to speak to about this in real life. I want to try and keep it all together for the time being I need to be careful as I got nowhere to go and I cannot bare to lose my kids.

You are being ridiculous

4 minutes is 4 minutes too long when he is calling a child stupid. What kind of parent are you.

I hope you get advice on how you can exit relationship safely as it's likely to only get worse.

It's worrying that he regularly doesn't seem to be able to control his temper around his child and happy to verbally abuse mum in front of them too when he could walk away. I see OP pushing / body blocking him out the door and away from their child as self protection although I agree with others to be careful he doesn't try twist to being assault.

It's not nice calling kids stupid and rightly so when its not acceptable to say to a work colleague. While it may be used as a blunt 'don't be daft/mess about' it seems clear here that the volume and tone used was enough to get OP's attention to worry them and upset their child.

He may have had a rough childhood but it doesn't seem like he's attempted to deal with it since to alter patterns and is simply repeating the abusive dynamic of his father with his own family. This will cause lasting damage to his kids self esteem and mental health, they also absorb this relationship model as normal and may seek similar as familiar, comfortable with victim/abuser role. DH benefits from his behaviour he can play nice family man and be looked after, while you avoid asking much from him to minimise his reactions, then compensate when he does so there is little consequence of him being an arsehole, that's just the typical dynamic not blaming you.

He will probably threaten for resident parent and max contact to try get you to fall back in line as control slips, but realistically his only focus is work and isn't interested in the kids now. I've seen more hands on dad's once they go back to bachelor lifestyle drop how often they see kids as it becomes more inconvenient with career, new partners etc.

A woman who was repeatedly verbally abusing her husband in front of their child, with said child crying and hiding under a blanket?

I might question the level of force used, as men are generally stronger than women, but I wouldn't question the need for her to be removed from the room.

OP doesn't seem to have used unreasonable force - she didn't go find an implement and attack her husband with it, didn't punch, bite, kick, etc. She pushed him out of the room as he was verbally abusing her and causing distress to their young child.

What should she have done? Stood there and taken it - for how long? Walked out, potentially leaving him with their distressed child (and he seems to have no patience with children who aren't behaving perfectly), or with him following and continuing to abuse her, the child left crying under their blanket? What is the perfect response here? She had asked him to stop, and he just called her a fucking piece of shit again.

OP what it comes down to is Would you be happy to see your girls in relationships with men like this? Because this is what you are teaching them a relationship looks like. That a man can scream in their face and call them a fucking piece of shit and scare them and make them cry then just stay in the house and 'work on issues' like nothing happened.

By not kicking him out, you are condoning this behaviour and teaching them that this is what is normal and expected from a partner.

I am the least physically aggressive person in the world - even watching other people fight (nights out etc) makes me emotional and shaky.

I have done exactly as you did in the past - put my hands on a partners chest and physically shoved him out of my way, because he was in my face.

Under these circumstances it is totally understandable that you did what you did. Don't let him paint you as some sort of abuser or change the narrative - he knows full well that you were just trying to get him away and that you didn't 'hit' him just to be aggressive. He is saying this so that you're the bad guy.

He sounds absolutely horrible

You’re being stupid!

there, how does that feel?

I’m gobsmacked at some people here honestly. The man lost his patience after 4 minutes with a small child and they expect the mom to do nothing?

Good god: OP Your friend “best friend” and husband is abusive, controlling, and dangerous to the children and you. That is the long and short of it. Whether he is incompetent to be a good husband and father because of his childhood experience or whether he is just wholly selfish snd cruel really does not matter the end result is the same. Reach out for help. Get out if you can. And don’t rely on any kind promises he made to protect you after the marriage ends. He will go all out to destroy you or to abandon and hurt you.

OP, I agree, please be very careful with your husband and don't react to anything he does. Sadly, I have seen it so many times, his behaviour is typical and will get much worse, especially if you decide to leave. He is very likely to get violent or try to destroy you - take your children from you or get you into trouble with the police. Please be very, very careful. He is not a nice person and he is most definitely not your friend.

@socks1107 are you joking??? If my husband was repeatedly shouting 'your a piece of shit in my face' then yes I'd 'physically push' him out of my young daughters room as well, sorry was she meant to roll over and accept that and try to talk him down? Everyone saying she was wrong to get physical that's total BS he had no right to talk to her like that infront of her kid I love my husband dearly and we get on great but she did pretty well if my hubby ever spoke to me like that infront of my kid especially in her bedroom 'repeatedly' he'd get more than a bloody push out the door.

Seperately... from what you'd said OP it doesn't sound like this is the man you know, this doesnt sound like the man you married and from your post it appears this behaviour is shocking you a bit. I dont believe some one can change like that after 10 years so something must be causing it and I'd hazard a guess he feels pretty shit about the way he's acting (and so he should). I think you guys need to sit down when you feel like he's in the right mood and have a chat (maybe even go out somewhere and chat over dinner or a drink) and just see what's going on. Good luck and seriously, you've done nothing wrong and no you aren't to blame, people can gaslight on here far better than they can in the real world.

Op this is wrong. He is abusing you and your kids as well if he's doing this in front of them.

How do I kick him out if his name is on the rent agreement, he is a British citizen with a great job and I have got no family to go live with for the time being? I pack my bags and go where, perhaps to my friend and sleep on her sofa but I cannot take my children. I am not being dellusional its just that it is easier said than done. I am going to take steps for sure but they cant be big ones at the moment because I can be homeless. I have to be careful here.

I cannot see how you could kick him out under these circumstances.
Another plan needed. Sorry.

Call Women’s Aid. They can help you make a plan suitable for your circumstances

First you need to get a paper trail of him being abusive. Contact women’s aid for support. When someone is abusive, they can be removed from the family home. He would have to pay child maintenance etc you could also claim Universal Credit and other forms of support. He’s British, yes, but you will be treated as any other victim of DV. Our systems aren’t perfect, but they do exist. Spend some time contacting women’s aid, write down every instance of him being abusive. Look up laws on domestic abuse in the UK. Start getting your ducks in a row, I.e. find and copy paperwork, tuck away details of money/banks etc. many abusive men, including my EXH, try to hide money or do other things that make it difficult to prove ownership, finances, etc.

becareful of some of the advise here OP.

. She has two young children and neither she nor them are in a life threatening danger. As she said she’s an immigrant and he’s a British Person. Who do you think will lose here is she starts going to a women’s aid for advice. Or if he finds out. She’s on a temporary visa.

I’m not condoning what the husband did but a more practical advise would be to tell her to make a plan for the future so she’s secure if for herself and her children and when she decides to leave.

this also applies to the kick him out advice from @Balloonhearts