Big argument with DH has gone out of control. In need of your gentle advice.

[Springtimesadness]

Evening all .

Frequent poster on here but name changing for this one. DH and I been together for 10 years and have got 2 beautiful daughters together both very young. We never had support from neither grandparents, moved around a lot , never had much but always found a way to make it work and count our blessings and work hard and always stick together and support each other. Not sure if its relevant but I feel trapped.

When all is good and as he puts it 'i have got things in the house under control' we are good. However, if anything happens at all to me, for example I get sick , or break my foot or feel overwheed or have received upseting news about my family (they are in Ukraine ) and ask him to 'take over a bit ' the whole house spiralls out of control very vere quickly. He hasnt got much patience and then often starts losing it at the girls for misbehaving and on and on it goes until I step in and he then blames all of that on me 'falling apart' . It always feels like I shouldnt have said anything because his 'take over" was a much worser thing then me pushing through.

After yet another incident , I am in tears right now. He spent the whole day working on a presentation so we didnt see much of him. Our youngest was playful refusing to go to bed and so I asked him if he would mind taking over and settling her since he barely seen her whole day. After 4 mins I heard him telling her to stop being 'so stupid and go to bed'. I immediately returned to the room to tell him that she is not stupid and is just overtired. He then proceded to blame my 'shit parenting" for that and for whatever think they watched on an Ipad for 45 mins (he wasnt helping whole day and I needed to cook a family meal somehow). It then escallated to him calling me 'a fucking piece of shit who ruined the whole day ' in front my youngest daughter. I didnt say a word but he kept on repeating that to my face at least 4 times until I pushed him out of the room.

I am all in shock. He now came saying that he would be a bigger person and apologise if I apologise for 'physically attacking him when I pushed him out of the bedroom. I refused for the first time ever. Refused to be gaslighted into believing I dont anything wrong. This exchange has made me sick to my stomach. He had got a very challenging time at work but i can find no excuse to that. I feel like my heart broke today. I believed we had a pretty decent family and even planned to go on holiday next week. Now it feels like I am all alone and the person I loved is not the same person I just had this argument with.

AIBU to think you cant move on from that? If anyone did move on what did it take ?

well, you have committed the greater wrong, you made it physical. No, I don't think there is any coming back from this, I also don't think you should have gone back into the bedroom and escalated things.

What a ridiculous statement. He was being aggressive and verbally and emotionally abusive to the OP in front of their child. By making her witness it, he was also being abusive to the child. The OP was trying to defend herself.

Women using physical force to try and get away from abusive men is not 'just as near as each other'. That is a dangerous and lazy myth that keeps women and children in dangerous situations because the victim blames themselves.

OP he sounds awful. I hope you find the support you need to safely leave him.

OP you can not “peacefully and slowly “ fix this marriage since you are the only one who thinks there is a problem in his behavior. To the extent he thinks there is a problem he thinks its you and the stupid children. How can you fix that? He won’t change—he will just demand you lie flatter.

I understand your hesitation to go to police OP. But at least log it with women’s aid who can back you if your plan to make peace and move forward doesn’t work. You also have x2 dependants who are British - that will add weight to your immigration status and any ongoing issues. What is your current status and when does it change?

OP, I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this and your poor children have witnessed it. I think there’s a big difference between pushing someone to be violent/intimidating and pushing someone away to remove their negativity away from you and particularly trying to shield your daughter which I think is what you did.
your husband sounds awful. A complete pig of a man.

Bastard. I guess, "Silent generation?"
😠

Absolutely do not ever admit to hitting or pushing him. If you do separate he may want to paint you as abusive and even involve the police. He may try to secretly record you as ammunition. Say ‘no I didn’t hit or push you. But you were being abusive to me and terrifying our daughter’ If he contacts the police get a solicitor and give a no comment interview.

Women’s aid will assess you and if they believe you are a victim of domestic abuse they can write a supporting letter for your immigration case.

Found the parent who thinks it's perfectly fine to verbally abuse their children do you call your children stupid? You must do since you seem to think its OK

no I am not. She made it physical. Legally and morally, she is more in the wrong

Boomer, but that wasn't what made him a prick.

no I am not. She made it physical. Legally and morally, she is more in the wrong

Stop posting such stupid and dangerous rubbish. Go and educate yourself on coercive control and emotional abuse. Also look up the new Domestic Abuse law while you're at it. You clearly have no clue what you're on about since you're wrong on every single count.

You are utterly clueless and misguided

I think this is a little more complicated

ATM there is no physical violence and if op does everything then things run smoothly for the next year.

I think biding time till your papers are in order and then divorcing is the only way forward unless someone can show how to get indefinite leave to remain another way.

I would document and diarise everything for the next year and add as much evidence as possible even if you think things are going well and the evidence is you went to Tesco on 24th June at 17.25 and keep the till receipt.
You never know what he could come up with.

It is ok to play the long game for security for you and your children op. Just put some strategies in place both to help you cope and to make sure you don’t lose yourself. Build up your plan for leaving, think about jobs and training. Good luck.

I think biding time till your papers are in order and then divorcing is the only way forward unless someone can show how to get indefinite leave to remain another way.

I think this is a good point from @Yalta.

I also second the messages from @Loubelle70 and others that you should think about contacting Women's Aid for advice, either now or in the next few months. Just talking things over with someone else could help you to clarify you how feel and/or what you would like to happen in your relationship.

But I know all of this is a lot for you to take on board!

I wish you and your children well, OP

Oh go fly a kite.

Hm. I didn't mean to suggest his generation only made him what he was. In my country, I noticed most bastards were this one, including my own parents.
Sorry.

Yeah.

Not good.

You need to leave. No child deserves to grow up in a house where one parent is speaking like that to the other one. And as for pushing him out of the room . . .

Yeah, leave. For everyone's sake.

Dear OP, this says what I would like to say and its better than I would have expressed it. This is not a balance of opinion matter. You are NOT to blame, you have shown the patience of a saint, it sounds horrible and I am sorry at your sadness. What he did was very cruel to you and your children and if life was fair he should be begging forgiveness, If he doesn't then I am sorry but I feel you deserve better. But easier said than done. Sending hugs though.

How are you today @Springtimesadness ?

Hope you’ve taken some solace from the actual advice on this thread about accessing support services etc and the support you have. I also hope you have ignored the inane wittering of posters who know fuck all about what it is to be trapped in this awful dynamic.

really truly believing he means you harm and understanding what this means for you and your children is the first step. If you can get to this point then you acquire a perverse kind of peace in that knowledge. You stop the self flagellation. You stop the what ifs. You stop wondering if couples counselling would help. You stop telling yourself they’re a good father. You stop hoping. And that brings a different kind of energy to your shattered heart and mind. And probably to your body.

I know what it means to literally have to plan yours and your children’s lives to safety and to plan your escape. To put yourself in a place where you try to prepare yourself for their heinous behaviour and reactions to every single thing you do and say; to minimise their suspicions which entails walking through a fire every day and night and reminding yourself why you must reconcile and process it all in a way that you don’t lose what’s left of your mind and keep going with your plan to get away.

It won’t happen overnight but you can become free of this.

no, she took the step to make it physical. That is a fact. She is the one most in the wrong, morally and legally

You're both wrong!
You expect your already overexcited daughter to settle to sleep with the parent she's hardly seen all day - that's not going to happen that's going to make her more excited and less likely to settle - then you physically assult her dad in front of her by pushing him?
And then he calls you names in front of her?
You've both totally destroyed that girls trust that home is a safe place to fall!

OP, are you aware you’re in an abusive relationship? Can you take steps to leave?

Shame on everyone who said she’s just as in the wrong. She absolutely is not and some of you need your heads tested

The man is emotionally abusive towards you and his children. I completely understand why you pushed him to leave the room while he was being so inappropriate in front of your child but you can’t do that again and compromise yourself. Hopefully there’s no next time but if there is take your child out of that situation if you don’t feel you can ask him/ get him to stop.

You do need to tell him to leave or go if you can. I’m afraid your relationship doesn’t appear salvageable and he could become violent towards you and your children and will continue the emotional abuse.

no, she took the step to make it physical. That is a fact. She is the one most in the wrong, morally and legally

Stop saying that. It's totally wrong.