Big argument with DH has gone out of control. In need of your gentle advice.

[Springtimesadness]

Evening all .

Frequent poster on here but name changing for this one. DH and I been together for 10 years and have got 2 beautiful daughters together both very young. We never had support from neither grandparents, moved around a lot , never had much but always found a way to make it work and count our blessings and work hard and always stick together and support each other. Not sure if its relevant but I feel trapped.

When all is good and as he puts it 'i have got things in the house under control' we are good. However, if anything happens at all to me, for example I get sick , or break my foot or feel overwheed or have received upseting news about my family (they are in Ukraine ) and ask him to 'take over a bit ' the whole house spiralls out of control very vere quickly. He hasnt got much patience and then often starts losing it at the girls for misbehaving and on and on it goes until I step in and he then blames all of that on me 'falling apart' . It always feels like I shouldnt have said anything because his 'take over" was a much worser thing then me pushing through.

After yet another incident , I am in tears right now. He spent the whole day working on a presentation so we didnt see much of him. Our youngest was playful refusing to go to bed and so I asked him if he would mind taking over and settling her since he barely seen her whole day. After 4 mins I heard him telling her to stop being 'so stupid and go to bed'. I immediately returned to the room to tell him that she is not stupid and is just overtired. He then proceded to blame my 'shit parenting" for that and for whatever think they watched on an Ipad for 45 mins (he wasnt helping whole day and I needed to cook a family meal somehow). It then escallated to him calling me 'a fucking piece of shit who ruined the whole day ' in front my youngest daughter. I didnt say a word but he kept on repeating that to my face at least 4 times until I pushed him out of the room.

I am all in shock. He now came saying that he would be a bigger person and apologise if I apologise for 'physically attacking him when I pushed him out of the bedroom. I refused for the first time ever. Refused to be gaslighted into believing I dont anything wrong. This exchange has made me sick to my stomach. He had got a very challenging time at work but i can find no excuse to that. I feel like my heart broke today. I believed we had a pretty decent family and even planned to go on holiday next week. Now it feels like I am all alone and the person I loved is not the same person I just had this argument with.

AIBU to think you cant move on from that? If anyone did move on what did it take ?

How long have you been living in the UK, OP?

Do you have indefinite leave to remain?

Rorymyers calling women’s aid doesn’t mean going into a shelter. British or not, they’re married, she’s been here years and has the right not to be abused. Women’s Aid will advise OP within the constraints of the law and her immigration status. It’s extremely bad advise to tell the OP not to seek support in bettering her situation!

You are right, some of the replies on this thread is totally bonkers.

Not RTFT, but even if he hasn't before, he is now an abusive bellend and I'd be making my plans to leave the scrote. A man only gets to talk to me like that once.

Nonsense, @Rorymyers. Do you understand what Women's Aid is?

She has not been advised to go to a shelter. She has been - very sensibly - advised to contact a charity that deals with all aspects of domestic abuse, including giving legal advice, offering counselling, and helping to make a suitable plan to get away safely in an appropriate way and at an appropriate time if that becomes necessary.

Yes yes I Misread as shelter and edited to reflect.

The bar is so very low, isn't it, from some of the replies here. Just because other women are happy with shitty, abusive men doesn't mean you have to be.

Splitting hairs over "stupid" versus "being stupid" - kids can't make that distinction FFS. And even as adults it doesn't feel like much of a distinction: "you're a cunt" versus "you're being a cunt"? Not really different, is it.

I agree with what others have said that he is NOT a good man. There are long-term issues here with him expecting you to be the housekeeper and put up and shut up. Even if you've been happy in that role in the past, it's ok to decide that you want something different now.

He's been training you to be quiet and submissive with his behaviour. That you asked him to step up, and that you intervened when he started calling your child names, is why he got so angry.

Your situation means you need to be careful but start getting advice from e.g. citizen's advice and women's aid about what your options are. I get the impression you feel trapped right now - they can help you make plans for the long term.

As other people have said, if he gets wind of you leaving he'll probably start threatening 50/50 or full custody but dickheads like that never go through with it. He doesn't want to look after his own kids for 5 minutes let alone half the time.

Please keep yourself and your children safe.

She is not going to lose her temporary visa because of calling Women’s Aid for help or advice. 🙄

Women’s Aid will be able to help her make a plan suitable for her circumstances - circumstances that include two British children and a temporary visa. They will not whisk her away to a detention centre. They will offer support and help her make a plan to leave…in her own time, whatever that may be.

Which actually ties in to your advice, @Rorymyers

@Springtimesadness , please also be aware that domestic abuse can be taken into account in immigration proceedings…in your favour. Guidance on this was updated earlier this year. I also get the impression that your husband may be in the armed forces. If so, there are ways for to settle permanently y in the UK independently from him because of the domestic abuse. Please google something along the lines of ‘temporary visa domestic abuse’ and you should find more information on gov.uk.

His claim is that I hit him whilst pushing him out (me repeatedly forcefully tapping him on a chest with my hands whilst telling him to leave the room and pushing him through the door).

How are you responding when he says this? Do not fall into his trap for goodness sake. Just say 'I didn't hit you at all, you were screaming in my face in front of our daughter and I was trying to get you out of the room. Stop trying to turn this around on to me.' If he brings it up again 'we have discussed this, I'm not going through it again.'
He is just trying to stop a conversation on how inadequate HE is. That's all. He knows full well you didn't hit him but he gains something from your reaction. His behaviour is forgotten about in your rush to defend yourself. Keep it simple and don't engage further.
You are about to see a different man than the man you thought you married. You need some sort of loose plan incase it becomes too unbearable. He is used to you bowing down before him, the slightest deviation and look how he spirals.

Edited for spelling.

He's selfish, abusive, and a shit father. You can maybe excuse someone who is under pressure at work, but he sounds like a useless, lazy partner at the best of times. And even if he IS under pressure, that doesn't excuse calling a woman a "piece of shit" in front of her own child. My dad had a bad temper, and was quite selfish. He also hated his job. Yet I could never imagine him calling my mother that.

OP I'm so sorry you are in this situation. He sounds nasty and abusive, how darehe speak to you ike that especially in front of your children. No wonder you wanted him out of the room by pushing him out. Don't let him gaslight you.

My parents had a bad marriage, they should have divorced, there were faults on both sides.
My mother still goes on about how my father said if she wanted to work she had to do it during school hours, he wasn't watching his own children.
He was financially abusive, ended up hiding money from her for years.
Don't end up in that situation.

Everyone says it on Mumsnet and I say it too- always have some money of your own and a way to make money.
You and your children deserve better. You should not be getting treated like this.

A man calling u "a f-ing piece of shit..." multiple times in front of children doesn't vibe with "counting blessings " part of your post.

You need to schedule an hour to chat, say that you've both got some problems, that you both are pretty bad at communicating, that acting out like this in front of the children is bad for them, and agree on some sort of plan to either just be more civil to each other, take timeouts, or agree to see a therapist.

Only you can answer the question "is this bad enough that I need to lose this guy ASAP". If the answer is yes, do it. If the answer is no, confront your demons together and work through it.

Most European countries will not revoke a temporary residence visa of a spouse facing domestic violence in any form. Physical, verbal, financial, or coersive control. In fact, in most countries the abused spouse will be allowed to stay and settle, especially if they have children who are citizens. This seems to be the case also in the UK.

As other PPs have said, best to get advice from women's aid organization and lawyer if possible. However, the threat of being asked to leave the country shouldn't be a factor for not seeking help or leaving, as most countries would not impose punitive immigration measures for abuse inflicted by their citizens on a foreigner.

Indefinite leave to remain or enter (domestic violence or abuse): Overview - GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)

Contact us at womens aid .we can support with your immigration status and refuge accommodations if needed. The support is there if you want it.

She went up to stand up for her small child who was being called stupid by her father. The fact that it was only after 4 minutes is on him, not her. This isn’t undermining another parent, it’s stepping in to protect a small child from being bullied by the other parent.

He is not a good man. He blames you for everything even when he causes the problems. Sorry you’re married to such an awful man. He sounds like he wanted a live in maid and nanny, he definitely isn’t treating you as his wife and I don’t think he ever has judging by your posts.

On the physical thing. It is quite a different thing to push someone out of a room to get them out of the room where a child is present while they are ranting and raving, to pushing them into or out of a room so that you can isolate and beat them up (which is often what happens to people who experience domestic violence). Please do not conflate the two.

For the record, you're being gaslit by everyone who is on here posting how you undermined his parenting or got physical. Calling a child stupid is not parenting and pushing someone away who is screaming at you is not physical assault FFS.

I'm really sorry you are going through this. You've been signposted to some great agencies who can help you. This isn't an argument which got out of control; this is an abusive relationship. X

To a toddler? I sincerely hope not.

I witnessed this happening to a young teenager at my work yesterday. She was making a big deal out of something tiny but she was upset. I remember being small and being told I was being stupid. It hurt. I sat with her and empathised and listened to her so she knew that her feelings mattered.

I've never called my child stupid even though he has learning disabilities It's a shitty thing to do!

I just came on to say call women's aid. I see pps have already said this.
Best wishes @Springtimesadness . I hope you feel more settled soon,? You can't go on like this.

Thank you all for some lovely advice. I have created the folder and have saved all the information and the agencies that can help me. I am afraid they wont grant me citizenship in the UK based on the argument that blew out of control. I am sorry but I just dont think they will even take me seriously with that in the immigration office.

Also to prove abuse I will have to go to police and make my case and have to be prepared that it will ruin my husband and his work. I dont hate him enough to do that and also how will that benefit my children? We will all be homeless?

I just want peacefully and slowly resolve this situation with as less stress as possible. I need to think of my kids here too . And of myself. I do finally need to think of myself x

I would find it hard to move on with him. Funny thing about trust, once you destroy it, it's very hard to recover. The name calling may be a one off, but the way he treats you in general, is unacceptable to me. Only you can decide if this is the life you want.

It’s already been made clear to you that you’re wrong. Remember too that in almost all cases, a man could easily kill a woman with his bare hands…they’re so much stronger than us we wouldn’t stand a chance.

You’re gaslighting the OP.