Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I the bitch?

209 replies

margolyes · 28/04/2024 05:54

My older sister and I have never really got on. Now one of our very elderly parents is in hospital we are alternating care between us of our mum. Dad is in hospital. They are both in their late 80's and have lived on their own until Dad's health problem 2 weeks ago.
I look after mum during the week and my sister is supposed to have her on the weekend.
Context - my sister is older and most definitely the favourite but I have got over that long ago.
Sister works 6 hours a day 3 days ( Tues, wed, thursday).
I don't work - long story
My sister also sells things at a market stall on a weekend.
This weekend is a very important market so I will have mum from Monday and all week and weekend. I have agreed not to go to my son's 30th to accomodate this.
When I told her it's ok, don't stress about this upcoming market as I won't go to my son's 30th I thought she would be pleased.
I explained that I would have my sons and their gf's at my place the following weekend instead
She says,
Mum wants to come to the market one day but I cant take her as I leave early in the morning so you will have to do that.
AND
The following weekend we are going interstate to see (her) daughter so Mum will be with you that weekend too.

I know I sound like a bitcj but my mum has terrible dementia mainly shown by short term memory loss. . So will repeat the same question at least 5 times in 2 minutes. Seriously. To add insult to injury she say "poor sister's name, she's so busy" I have to shove my fist in my throat. Always the same 5 questions. None involving me, just my sister. My darling 12 year old is so patient. Much more than me but it's not appropriate for him to see her bursting into tears twice an hour at least. Not even sure what I'm asking. Just venting I guess.
I told my sister she was unreasonable to expect me to mind mum next week and weekend ( the market) and the next week and the following weekend( visit to her daughter 1 hour flight away).
This is shite.
Crying.
My poor Dad who was a uni professor can't get a word out and is just lying in bed.
Sorry for ramble .
I am looking for retirement villages /nursing homes starting tomorrow.
Mum thinks she is going home ( and the nice ambulancemen will carry him up the stairs) .
I've probably posted in the wrong section.

OP posts:
Finlesswonder · 28/04/2024 06:03

You don't work and your sister has 2 jobs

MFF2010 · 28/04/2024 06:05

You can't make your sister do it but it's shit she's landed you in this position. Are there any other family members who could come over to give you some breaks? 💐

Squirrelsonthescaffolding · 28/04/2024 06:07

Sorry you’re having a hard time, I am also juggling /feeling torn between elderly parents and my children. It’s also sometimes difficult to be on the same page as siblings and share care fairly, particularly when someone just tells you what they’re doing and you have to pick up the pieces. Sounds like it might be time to find more support as you say. Hope it goes ok discussing with your sister.

IWantOut29 · 28/04/2024 06:09

Finlesswonder · 28/04/2024 06:03

You don't work and your sister has 2 jobs

So because she doesnt work she isnt entitled to any of those weekends for her and her family? Give over

Sparklfairy · 28/04/2024 06:13

Finlesswonder · 28/04/2024 06:03

You don't work and your sister has 2 jobs

That doesn't give the sister the right to dictate OP's caring schedule, which is exactly what she's doing.

OP I think your plan to look for nursing homes is a good one, although I suspect your sister will be difficult about the cost. My nan's children were completely resistant to a care home when her dementia got really bad, but three out of the four (including my arse of a dad) also refused to help with any care. My poor aunt was the one doing it all. She moved in with her mum, and my nan would escape out of the window in the middle of the night, leave the cooker on, attack my aunt while she was driving... I know how tough it is when siblings push the responsibility onto one.

Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 06:19

Yes I understand about the 2 jobs. My sister is also very much wealthier than me if that makes a difference. The "market" is just mainly for fun. Her DP earns a fortune as a FIFO ( Fly in Fly out) worker at mines. I do have an "excuse" for not working but it is what it is. I just thought just telling me that she was away the following weekend without even asking me was incredibly rude. I wouldn't do it to her. I'd make sure everything was sorted. I'd ask her first . We are different types of people. Probably shouldn't have started this thread. Never goes well on MN when you are being a sook.

OP posts:
Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 06:21

MFF2010 · 28/04/2024 06:05

You can't make your sister do it but it's shit she's landed you in this position. Are there any other family members who could come over to give you some breaks? 💐

No other family members within about 2 hours drive or flight.

OP posts:
Finlesswonder · 28/04/2024 06:24

IWantOut29 · 28/04/2024 06:09

So because she doesnt work she isnt entitled to any of those weekends for her and her family? Give over

Show quote history

Have you ever had a job before?

Work is exhausting.

I'd be massively pissed off if I had a sister who was sat around not working all day who begrudged taking on most of the care.

LoudSnoringDog · 28/04/2024 06:27

Why don’t you work? What’s the “long story”?

FrangipaniBlue · 28/04/2024 06:27

*Have you ever had a job before?

Work is exhausting.

I'd be massively pissed off if I had a sister who was sat around not working all day who begrudged taking on most of the care.*

18 hours a week of work is exhausting? Give over.

And the OP isn't sat around all day she's caring for someone with dementia. Have you ever done that? It's exhausting.

FrangipaniBlue · 28/04/2024 06:29

LoudSnoringDog · 28/04/2024 06:27

Why don’t you work? What’s the “long story”?

Irrelevant.

There are two sisters who have a mum who needs care. Between them they need to sort it, it's not up to only one of them.

Kalevala · 28/04/2024 06:29

Work is exhausting

The sister works 18 hours a week and has a weekend hobby it sounds like.

tigger1001 · 28/04/2024 06:30

"Have you ever had a job before?

Work is exhausting.

I'd be massively pissed off if I had a sister who was sat around not working all day who begrudged taking on most of the care."

You have no idea why op doesn't work. And the fact that she doesn't has meant she's there during the week.

But she has other family members too. And caring is exhausting. Its ok that op needs a break.

IWantOut29 · 28/04/2024 06:30

Finlesswonder · 28/04/2024 06:24

Have you ever had a job before?

Work is exhausting.

I'd be massively pissed off if I had a sister who was sat around not working all day who begrudged taking on most of the care.

Show quote history

Do you know the OP's reasons for not working? I'll put money on it being a damn good reason that affects her day to day life!

I dont work at the minute no, Im recovering from fleeing a 7 year DV relationship whilst trying to recover from anorexia, recently diagnosed ADHD and trying to support my ADHD son and autistic daughter. Also waiting for my own autistic assessment. Also have PTSD from my baby dying 2 hours after he was born,

I hope you feel good trying to belittle people

I'd be outraged if my sister tried putting all the care on me and tried booking my weekends for me without checking I had plans or not. So people who dont work ( for reasons we dont know nor should assume because it makes you look a right nasty cow ) arnt allowed to have any free time or be asked if their available for the weekends?

Your being ridiculous

Kalevala · 28/04/2024 06:33

Is there a reason your sister can't have your mum Monday and Friday, and you Tuesday to Thursday? Then split weekends seeing as she isn't doing them all anyway.

Finlesswonder · 28/04/2024 06:34

IWantOut29 · 28/04/2024 06:30

Do you know the OP's reasons for not working? I'll put money on it being a damn good reason that affects her day to day life!

I dont work at the minute no, Im recovering from fleeing a 7 year DV relationship whilst trying to recover from anorexia, recently diagnosed ADHD and trying to support my ADHD son and autistic daughter. Also waiting for my own autistic assessment. Also have PTSD from my baby dying 2 hours after he was born,

I hope you feel good trying to belittle people

I'd be outraged if my sister tried putting all the care on me and tried booking my weekends for me without checking I had plans or not. So people who dont work ( for reasons we dont know nor should assume because it makes you look a right nasty cow ) arnt allowed to have any free time or be asked if their available for the weekends?

Your being ridiculous

Show quote history

Don't try to use your story to shame me out of having an opinion please.

KrisTheGardener · 28/04/2024 06:35

I don't work at the moment. I'm hardly sat around. I'm stretched to the absolute limit - which is why I'm not working. It can't be assumed that someone has all the time in the world because they aren't working. There's usually a good reason.

OP, can you get some respite care for your mother for next weekend?

Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 06:36

Erm, knew I posted in the wrong section. Can I just say PTSD? Really don;t want to go into it. Have never relied on my sister for anything ever before. Raised my own children She moved into my parents house when she got pregnant and relied on them for everything. Believe me, I am super independent, and have been from a much younger age than my sister. Even though she is older. They were still helping her at her "market" into their 80's , leaving their home at 6am. She is too tight too pay anyone. I now have a week of listening to mum saying"poor (sister) we won't be able to help with the market". Literally 50 times a day. Anyone want to swap?

OP posts:
IWantOut29 · 28/04/2024 06:37

Finlesswonder · 28/04/2024 06:34

Don't try to use your story to shame me out of having an opinion please.

Show quote history

I definetly will when your trying to shame other people about not working.

Its irrelevant why the OP doesnt work and doesnt make her free time any less valuable

If your not ashamed of your lack of empathy in the OP's situation then that speaks volumes about who you are as a person

Catsmere · 28/04/2024 06:38

I was just about to ask what @KrisTheGardener did - can you get respite care for your mum?

I sympathise, OP, and it sounds like it's really time she went into residential care. My mum did in January, after I'd been her carer for seven years. It's a huge burden and yes, the endless repetition of the same questions or comments does your head in.

Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 06:40

Catsmere · 28/04/2024 06:38

I was just about to ask what @KrisTheGardener did - can you get respite care for your mum?

I sympathise, OP, and it sounds like it's really time she went into residential care. My mum did in January, after I'd been her carer for seven years. It's a huge burden and yes, the endless repetition of the same questions or comments does your head in.

Thank you. And my poor youngest just answering politely endlessly. It's too much. I am in Australia , so this has been his 2 weeks holidays. I think he will be glad to go back to school.

OP posts:
Finlesswonder · 28/04/2024 06:40

IWantOut29 · 28/04/2024 06:37

I definetly will when your trying to shame other people about not working.

Its irrelevant why the OP doesnt work and doesnt make her free time any less valuable

If your not ashamed of your lack of empathy in the OP's situation then that speaks volumes about who you are as a person

Show quote history

The OP asked "am I the bitch", the thread is about her and her life not you and your problems.
I suggest you put all that energy elsewhere.

Catsmere · 28/04/2024 06:42

margolyes · 28/04/2024 06:40

Thank you. And my poor youngest just answering politely endlessly. It's too much. I am in Australia , so this has been his 2 weeks holidays. I think he will be glad to go back to school.

Show quote history

I'm in Australia too! Has your mum been assessed by MyAgedCare yet?

IWantOut29 · 28/04/2024 06:43

Finlesswonder · 28/04/2024 06:40

The OP asked "am I the bitch", the thread is about her and her life not you and your problems.
I suggest you put all that energy elsewhere.

Show quote history

This will be my last reply to you know as it's clear what sort of person you are and I dont want to derail the OP's thread.

I wasnt making it about me or my problems, but you knew that already, this is just your way of deflecting your really shitty comment, very predictable behaviour 😅

Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 06:43

I'm starting to ring around on Monday before Mum comes back to me Monday night. I now I sound awful, but until you experience it you have no idea. And I have been through some shit( hence the not being able to work) and my sister hating me is not heping. I will it sorted though. That's what I do.

OP posts: