Am I the bitch?

[margolyes]

My older sister and I have never really got on. Now one of our very elderly parents is in hospital we are alternating care between us of our mum. Dad is in hospital. They are both in their late 80's and have lived on their own until Dad's health problem 2 weeks ago.
I look after mum during the week and my sister is supposed to have her on the weekend.
Context - my sister is older and most definitely the favourite but I have got over that long ago.
Sister works 6 hours a day 3 days ( Tues, wed, thursday).
I don't work - long story
My sister also sells things at a market stall on a weekend.
This weekend is a very important market so I will have mum from Monday and all week and weekend. I have agreed not to go to my son's 30th to accomodate this.
When I told her it's ok, don't stress about this upcoming market as I won't go to my son's 30th I thought she would be pleased.
I explained that I would have my sons and their gf's at my place the following weekend instead
She says,
Mum wants to come to the market one day but I cant take her as I leave early in the morning so you will have to do that.
AND
The following weekend we are going interstate to see (her) daughter so Mum will be with you that weekend too.

I know I sound like a bitcj but my mum has terrible dementia mainly shown by short term memory loss. . So will repeat the same question at least 5 times in 2 minutes. Seriously. To add insult to injury she say "poor sister's name, she's so busy" I have to shove my fist in my throat. Always the same 5 questions. None involving me, just my sister. My darling 12 year old is so patient. Much more than me but it's not appropriate for him to see her bursting into tears twice an hour at least. Not even sure what I'm asking. Just venting I guess.
I told my sister she was unreasonable to expect me to mind mum next week and weekend ( the market) and the next week and the following weekend( visit to her daughter 1 hour flight away).
This is shite.
Crying.
My poor Dad who was a uni professor can't get a word out and is just lying in bed.
Sorry for ramble .
I am looking for retirement villages /nursing homes starting tomorrow.
Mum thinks she is going home ( and the nice ambulancemen will carry him up the stairs) .
I've probably posted in the wrong section.

On hold right now!!

Hope you're comfortable, have been to the loo and have a cup of tea/coffee on hand!

They were lovely @Catsmere . Have an assessment booked in . Will be up to 10 days so will just drink a lot until then. They do have respite care!!

I'm so glad to hear it's under way! ❤️

It's over 100km round trip. I will be going every day from tomorrow until next Sunday.

If you don't want to-why?

Oh, that's lovely news. I sent up a prayer for you after I read your thread. Maybe it helped! I hope they find a suitable place for your parents to be together.

Your sister is the bitch. I hope you do go to your son's 30th birthday party.

My mum is with me and wants to see him every day. I can't say No. She's my mum!

My mum is with me and wants to see him every day. I can't say No. She's my mum!

That is so lovely of you @margolyes. And you're also entitled to think it's a pain in the arse, even though you want to please your mum. I think it's good if you can facilitate them spending time together, because the truth is your mum's dementia will very likely get worse when there are any changes to what she's used to. Despite the inevitability of decline, it does help to keep things ticking along in their usual way for as long as possible.

Yes , she is deteriorating before my eyes. She yelled at me the other morning, my mum is not a yeller. What I had said when she got up at 7am ( after she told me she was tired) was "oh that's all good mum. Hospital visiting hours aren't until 10am so you can have another rest if you want"
20 minutes later she came out screaming at me that I had put her to bed like a child. Took me a half an hour to calm her down, I feel awful but I am dreading this week. She's pretty good tonight, since my sister dropped her off, The one who hates me. Two lots of tears and up three times from bed but all seems calm now. Sigh. It;s a bit sad when that is a good evening!
Full disclosure as I am one of those stupidly honest people, when my sister droppes off mum, I asked when we were meeting up and she said something like " well I suppose I will have to pick her up". ..." As usual". I may have then muttered inder my breath ( well actually I did) " Geez you can be a bitch".

See there is definitely a possibilty I am the bitch!

See there is definitely a possibilty I am the bitch!

🙄

Op hasn't said why she's not working. She could have a long term illness?

You seem angry with me - are you my sister?

I did mention way upthread that I am not able to work due to PTSD. I have a lot of responsibilities though as we live on a little acreage and I look after all the animals , do all the gardening and look after my 12yo, I don't claim any benefits as such except for the small amount that Australia gives to every child, Is that ok with the questoners? Not you pp,

NIght all

Oh my goodness!
Sorry.
Wrong emoji.
😊

I don't think that's any of your business. She looks after her mum during the week. Tbh it's a separate issue!

OP, I have a lot of expereince in this area, both personally and professionally and IME it ALWAYS falls to one sibling to do the majority of the care. Always.
The other sibling(s) will say they are going to pitch in an equal amount but there's always some reason they can't so one always ends up being the person. It doesnt matter who works and who doenst or who has free time abx who doesnt. Sometimes its the full time worker who ends up doing all the care while the person who doesnt work does nothing. Its just down to personality types and what people can gwt away with but inevitably, its always one person. And it's a tiring, thankless job.
I would recommend you look into having carers come out to see mum before you go straight down the route of a care home. Especially if your dad is still at home and by the sounds of it, bedridden?
Get on the phone to adult social care for some advice

@Applescruffle I agree. Makes no difference to how many siblings either. Don't be pushed into it because you don't work that isn't the point here OP.

Why not? It should work. You have no idea why the OP isn't working. Have some shame.

No, it doesn't make any difference how many siblings. It's still always one.
The others might even pitch in a bit, but it's never equal, there's always one main contact, one "person" who does tbe main caring and takes on the responsibility. I've worked with hundreds of families and experienced it personally three times and it's always like this.

Oh my goodness!
Sorry.
Wrong emoji.
😊

Oh no! Using the wrong emoji is something I am so paranoid about. Like a laughing emoji at sad news or something.

(This did make me laugh a little bit though😃)

Ignore the "changes will make things worse" comments, @margolyes . They're getting worse before your eyes and this has already reached the stage where you can't go on caring for her. Your mum's in a far worse state than mine, and when mine was hospitalised with pneumonia in December they wouldn't let her come home. It sounds like she's well past having capacity to make decisions about her care, and needs to be in a dementia unit in a care facility. I hope the assessment comes to that conclusion.

And you are absolutely not a bitch!

Oh all good. I've been known to do that. My 12yo had to point out to me that the upside down smile is really sarcastic. ( I thought it was "aren't I an idiot " type of thing). Probably confused a few people. Easily done.

OP putting yourself down and letting your sister control you is not helping you in a very difficult situation where any of us would be struggling so give yourself some kindness and compassion.

Can you say to sister that you are doing weeks and she has to do weekends or organise a carer/home because you are not available. Dont miss your DS 30th its really special and you might regret it. Decide what you can do short term and stick to it. Be strong and assertive she cant force you.

Your mum obviously really needs specialist help now so I hope things get better for you when this is in place.

I read @diddl's post as rolling her eyes at the idea that you're a bitch!