Am I the bitch?

[margolyes]

My older sister and I have never really got on. Now one of our very elderly parents is in hospital we are alternating care between us of our mum. Dad is in hospital. They are both in their late 80's and have lived on their own until Dad's health problem 2 weeks ago.
I look after mum during the week and my sister is supposed to have her on the weekend.
Context - my sister is older and most definitely the favourite but I have got over that long ago.
Sister works 6 hours a day 3 days ( Tues, wed, thursday).
I don't work - long story
My sister also sells things at a market stall on a weekend.
This weekend is a very important market so I will have mum from Monday and all week and weekend. I have agreed not to go to my son's 30th to accomodate this.
When I told her it's ok, don't stress about this upcoming market as I won't go to my son's 30th I thought she would be pleased.
I explained that I would have my sons and their gf's at my place the following weekend instead
She says,
Mum wants to come to the market one day but I cant take her as I leave early in the morning so you will have to do that.
AND
The following weekend we are going interstate to see (her) daughter so Mum will be with you that weekend too.

I know I sound like a bitcj but my mum has terrible dementia mainly shown by short term memory loss. . So will repeat the same question at least 5 times in 2 minutes. Seriously. To add insult to injury she say "poor sister's name, she's so busy" I have to shove my fist in my throat. Always the same 5 questions. None involving me, just my sister. My darling 12 year old is so patient. Much more than me but it's not appropriate for him to see her bursting into tears twice an hour at least. Not even sure what I'm asking. Just venting I guess.
I told my sister she was unreasonable to expect me to mind mum next week and weekend ( the market) and the next week and the following weekend( visit to her daughter 1 hour flight away).
This is shite.
Crying.
My poor Dad who was a uni professor can't get a word out and is just lying in bed.
Sorry for ramble .
I am looking for retirement villages /nursing homes starting tomorrow.
Mum thinks she is going home ( and the nice ambulancemen will carry him up the stairs) .
I've probably posted in the wrong section.

ITried to DM you but search never works for me. I also have to go to be as I am stuffed.

I'm sorry, I missed that important point!

It is bloody awful caring for someone with dementia. Throw children into the mix and it's a disaster. My mum started to develop the signs of dementia shortly after my second child was born and it became a living nightmare trying to juggle the needs of two children with the needs of basically an elderly toddler. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Especially trying to get the balance between wanting my children to have a relationship with their grandmother and minimising the trauma of them seeing her in a state of terrible distress and confusion. And other unpleasant issues around hygiene etc I won't go into. She died just after my eldest turned 15, so it was about 11 years of the dementia rollercoaster and it had a devastating effect on our family.

Hope you get things sorted @margolyes. It's a tough gig. It really is.

Try to get some sleep, @margolyes . Good night ...

go to bed! I meant. Night night. This will be my last proper nights sleep for about 10 days. My sister assures me that mum sleeps all night at her place ( have I mentioned that sorry I'm getting tired) .
Very weird as when she is here she wanders at least 3 times a night. It's not like I'm making it up! My 23yo spent the night and she went to him twice, she;s regularly been into my 12yo and also comes into my bedroom.
I did point out to my sister that she sleeps with headphones on playing music all night, and her DH is only there 2 nights a week . She pointed at her tiny dogs . I think that meant they will bark if mum got up. That is BS. Mum is better with me than at my sisters , I worry all night that she is going to be found wandering the streets when she is there.

We have already seen the hygiene issues. I mop as soon as I get up. Mum says sorry. It's not sustainable . Particularly with a 12yo, as amazingly calm as he is. He doesn't need to walk into the bathroom after Grandma has been there, and ther is mess on the floor . She is a very proud lady so would be mortified. I kind of check the bathroom the minute she leaves. That's all I can do.

NIght night again. For real this time.

Same
Dad spent last few months in a care home
Warm, fed and safe
Lovely staff
We had a great relationship at the end of the
Better than ever and I was so grateful we had this opportunity

He couldn't really say much else though could he?

18 hours work a week is hardly exhausting!
And caring is very hard work. OP is already caring 5 days a week and her sister expects her to do 7 now. Fuck that. It’s hardly fair

She's not working in a sweatshop for minimum wage

@margolyes not sure what to say but all best

Of course he's going to say that but he is bothered.
You're allowing you sister to bully you.

Come on OP find your inner strength and stop taking the bullying.

Sick of reading heartless responses like this on here. She’s clearly very upset and finding it hard to cope with her deteriorating parents. Try and have a little empathy!

OP, I know this is not what you ever intended, but you’re allowing your need to please your parents and your sister to force you to neglect your children. This situation isn’t sustainable.
You are exhausted and you know your parents need proper professional care. If your sister won’t accept that, the only thing to do is grit your teeth and walk away. She’ll have to accept it then and do something.
Have the courage to let your sister think you’re lazy. Why do you care what she thinks? It’s your children’s opinion that is important.

Caring as you are doing OP is a full time job and more Such respect to you It is unjust that this is not being shared Please get all the help you can for you as soon as you can (I have been there) All thoughts

Currently having this battle with my partners Mum and it’s horrendous. The reason she won’t go into a home is because people are running around after her, setting themselves on fire to do things for her. It’s not sustainable and something has to give. You can’t provide care if you aren’t looking after yourself. If she won’t go into a home the withdraw from what you are doing and let her see how well she copes alone.

@margolyes you are not the bitch, this one is.

Stately homes thread in relationship board would be worth a look
Sadly we aren't wealthy, or do you mean disputes between siblings? Sorry I haven;t read that board. Thank you though. I'll be up all night so I might do it then. ( but Australia not UK).

it’s a thread for dealing with difficult family situations 😁😁

If your mother requires someone to be with her 24hrs a day then she should be in a care facility. But moved into your home 2 weeks ago? Was a discussion had with your sister because I actually don't think either of you should feel obligated to take on such a huge responsibility. If your sister has 'looked after' your mum for 2 weekends maybe she just can't cope with it or simply doesn't want the responsibility. That's not unreasonable.
You've said you don't believe your sister when she says your mum is fine at her house because "she's better with me.." Not to mention worrying the whole time she's with your sister. Seems so at odds with your other posts. You don't get along with your sister and that is ok but I kinda feel an undercurrent of satisfaction that you have this stick with which to beat her. You're now in the role of 'best daughter' but still not getting the acknowledgment for it.
If YOU want to care for your mother, then good for you! And I mean that because I'm not sure I could do the same. It's also not wrong that your sister does not feel the same duty.
This is clearly a very tough time for you and I hope you get some respite soon

I really hope you find somewhere for your DPS soon?
U couldn't look after a dp with dementia. Mil will go into a care home once she can't manage in her home. She's had respite there already. Is that an option?

If she's so wealthy why isn't she paying for care at the weekend?

Your sister is being unreasonable. You should definitely not miss your son’s 30th!!

Thanks all for your ( many totally ) kind responses. Mum is arriving this evening from the weekend at my sisters house. Sis just texted me to ask if I was visiting dad today and I said No. She said mum wanted to stay at the hospital but she had to leave so could I pick her up. It's over 100km round trip. I will be going every day from tomorrow until next Sunday. One day off and then another 7 days. The pp who asked about an undercurrent of me trying to be "better" or something. I am so far from the favourite it's not funny. There is no chance of that. And not a consideration for me at all. . Especially as mum does not remember what happened 2 minutes ago, and Dad's dementia is so bad he can't talk. I think I mentioned that , so not really sure what you mean.

The reason I am doubtful about mum sleeping so well at my sister's is that she sleeps with headphones in all night listening to music ( sis not mum) so I think she wouldn't know if mum is up and about. Whereas when one of my adult sons stayed the night she went to him twice. She has been into our room looking for Dad, she has been into my 12yo's room asking for Dad. We hear the door open. I'm a light sleeper.

My sister is a much stronger personality than me , I couldn't "beat her with a stick" if I tried. Everyone always tells me I have Catholic guilt which is weird as nobody in my family is Catholic! Anyway, wish me luck for the next 2 weeks .

Did you manage to get onto MyAgedCare or Dementia Australia at all?