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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I the bitch?

209 replies

margolyes · 28/04/2024 05:54

My older sister and I have never really got on. Now one of our very elderly parents is in hospital we are alternating care between us of our mum. Dad is in hospital. They are both in their late 80's and have lived on their own until Dad's health problem 2 weeks ago.
I look after mum during the week and my sister is supposed to have her on the weekend.
Context - my sister is older and most definitely the favourite but I have got over that long ago.
Sister works 6 hours a day 3 days ( Tues, wed, thursday).
I don't work - long story
My sister also sells things at a market stall on a weekend.
This weekend is a very important market so I will have mum from Monday and all week and weekend. I have agreed not to go to my son's 30th to accomodate this.
When I told her it's ok, don't stress about this upcoming market as I won't go to my son's 30th I thought she would be pleased.
I explained that I would have my sons and their gf's at my place the following weekend instead
She says,
Mum wants to come to the market one day but I cant take her as I leave early in the morning so you will have to do that.
AND
The following weekend we are going interstate to see (her) daughter so Mum will be with you that weekend too.

I know I sound like a bitcj but my mum has terrible dementia mainly shown by short term memory loss. . So will repeat the same question at least 5 times in 2 minutes. Seriously. To add insult to injury she say "poor sister's name, she's so busy" I have to shove my fist in my throat. Always the same 5 questions. None involving me, just my sister. My darling 12 year old is so patient. Much more than me but it's not appropriate for him to see her bursting into tears twice an hour at least. Not even sure what I'm asking. Just venting I guess.
I told my sister she was unreasonable to expect me to mind mum next week and weekend ( the market) and the next week and the following weekend( visit to her daughter 1 hour flight away).
This is shite.
Crying.
My poor Dad who was a uni professor can't get a word out and is just lying in bed.
Sorry for ramble .
I am looking for retirement villages /nursing homes starting tomorrow.
Mum thinks she is going home ( and the nice ambulancemen will carry him up the stairs) .
I've probably posted in the wrong section.

OP posts:
BigRedCat · 01/05/2024 13:28

Have only read the OP.
You’re not a bitch, but you do need to set some boundaries here.
If you wanted to go to your son’s birthday you should have gone. You’re being beyond accommodating, and in those situations you will always end up being taken advantage of.
Set reasonable boundaries and stick with them.

LittleCharlotte · 01/05/2024 14:09

I am so very sorry, OP. My heart goes out to you. I'm very glad your sons are acting as intermediaries for you so you don't have to deal with your sister any longer; she's a horror.

Original poster
margolyes · 01/05/2024 14:14

I am going to son's birthday!!! Have told sister she will have to deal with it. Close her jam stall 2 hours early. Am not speaking with sister anymore. Using my adult sons as intermediaries as causing too much upset.
Unfortunately mum's best friend ( of 84 years!!) is in hospital too otherwise they would just chat all day, that's what they normally do.

OP posts:
Original poster
margolyes · 01/05/2024 14:21

BigRedCat · 01/05/2024 13:28

Have only read the OP.
You’re not a bitch, but you do need to set some boundaries here.
If you wanted to go to your son’s birthday you should have gone. You’re being beyond accommodating, and in those situations you will always end up being taken advantage of.
Set reasonable boundaries and stick with them.

re pp

OP posts:
Squirrelsonthescaffolding · 01/05/2024 14:29

Glad you’re going to the party! I’ve been reading from the beginning and wishing you strength.

It sounds like your mum is too confused for either of you to look after at home but I hope you can get extra help and share the strain more fairly until you get a residential place for her. I guess you might have to have your parents in separate places until you can find two places together.

Also , not sure if you’re already doing this, but I was advised recently to think through a typical day to work out all the things my mum needed help with. It might be good to have it all written down so that when they come and do the assessment they can have a full picture of a typical day, in case she’s a bit less confused than average during the assessment. Hope you enjoy the party!

KTheGrey · 01/05/2024 14:31

Excellent news. I am glad to hear you are going to your son's birthday and I hope you have a lovely time.

Original poster
margolyes · 01/05/2024 14:34

Squirrelsonthescaffolding · 01/05/2024 14:29

Glad you’re going to the party! I’ve been reading from the beginning and wishing you strength.

It sounds like your mum is too confused for either of you to look after at home but I hope you can get extra help and share the strain more fairly until you get a residential place for her. I guess you might have to have your parents in separate places until you can find two places together.

Also , not sure if you’re already doing this, but I was advised recently to think through a typical day to work out all the things my mum needed help with. It might be good to have it all written down so that when they come and do the assessment they can have a full picture of a typical day, in case she’s a bit less confused than average during the assessment. Hope you enjoy the party!

That's a good idea. It took the nurses in the hospital a couple of hours. I had to leave her with Dad for a bit and when I got back they were "we were just going to ring you - bit worried about your mum, she's asked me the same question every 30 seconds " I'm like yep no short term memory. SHe is still her lovely social self though so it takes people a while to realise. That is a good idea. I am trying to diarise everything.Ta

OP posts:
SaltySeaAir · 01/05/2024 14:45

Well I feel for you, and think your sister is wrong. I would definitely be looking for a care home. I can honestly say, if either of our parents at any stage needed full time care they would not want their children to do this. And as a parent, I would not want my children to do this either.

Alwaysalwayscold · 01/05/2024 15:03

So pleased you're going to your son's birthday OP. How is the search for care progressing?

Nonewclothes2024 · 01/05/2024 15:05

Finlesswonder · 28/04/2024 06:03

You don't work and your sister has 2 jobs

Their parents have two daughters.
The OP is missing her son's 30 th.

Codlingmoths · 01/05/2024 15:16

I’m so glad you are going to your son’s party. You need to build on that and do a whole lot more pull your fucking head in to your sister. She says I am dropping mum off on Monday instead of Wednesday, you say we won’t be here Monday, we will see mum on Wednesday. Except it will be via email/mesage, great plan to only go through someone else, although you should have included the child who would tell her to fuck off.

diddl · 01/05/2024 15:55

Really pleased to hear that you won't be missing your son's 30th.

alrightluv · 01/05/2024 16:22

Excellent news. Keep on being strong.

babyelephantwalk · 01/05/2024 16:50

I am going to son's birthday!!! Have told sister she will have to deal with it. Close her jam stall 2 hours early. Am not speaking with sister anymore. Using my adult sons as intermediaries as causing too much upset.

Good for you, margolyes!

That business of accusing you of having $ signs in your eyes - classic projection.

LittleCharlotte · 01/05/2024 18:06

I am thrilled to read you are going to the 30th. Hoorah!

Winter2020 · 01/05/2024 19:08

Hi OP,
Keep sticking up for yourself and your right to a reasonable quality of life.
What I wanted to suggest is can you find any homes that do respite/short breaks so even before you find somewhere suitable for longer term you can get breaks - especially if your sister is unreliable at giving you breaks. In addition are there any day services for people with dementia that your mum could access to lighten the load?

Does your mum have money that could pay for respite breaks/ day services?

Your sisters comment about the house was despicable. Here in England if neither partner was living in the house it would have to be sold to pay for care fees, although the local authority can authorise a debt to be run up against it for a while. Is it the same in Australia? If so I can't understand how your sister can imagine anyone seeing £ signs about the house - more like money pouring away paying for care.

You are in an extremely tough place at the moment but when you begin to access services and particularly when you find the right residential place for your parents things will get better. Your children both older and younger sound lovely.

If you can't find any way to keep your parents together remember it is not your fault and you could still take your mum to visit your dad on occasion if it doesn't upset either of them too much. I wouldn't be afraid to tell a kind fib like your dad is in a different home while he is recovering for rehabilitation and when he gets better he will be able to move. You know that is not likely to happen but it might provide a framework that your mum and dad can understand and live with.

Catsmere · 01/05/2024 23:16

Very glad to hear you're going to your son's party and have cut your sister off!

Original poster
margolyes · 02/05/2024 03:24

OP again. Just re-read. Thanks for all your lovely msgs. One of mine sounds wanky. I only mentioned the law degree as a reference to the fact that he is good at making calm, considered arguments. The older one is an advisor to government, so the same. They won't shout or get angry, just be measured and polite.
Slightly regretting not giving her other sons number instead.
Guarantee the conversation would have gone like this:
Sister : tell your mum she has to do x and y and z.
My second son : Fuck off.
Would have kept it simple!!

OP posts:
Original poster
margolyes · 02/05/2024 03:31

Also wracked my brains lying wake last night trying to think of a single time I have had a financial issue with mum and dad. Finally , remembered that they had a "temporary cash flow prblem" about 10 years ago so I lent them some money. Said pay it back whenever , which they did a few years later. About 10k.
That is literally all I can think of. Still in shock at my sisters comment. Going to start day drinking. And as a bonus I have a cold and a coldsore( I get them when I'm stressed). Happy fucking days hey. I should not probably put this on the internet as no doubt some people ( in Aus) have worked out who I am, but I really don't care anymore. Sorry about typs. Tired.

OP posts:
Original poster
margolyes · 02/05/2024 03:44

Alwaysalwayscold · 01/05/2024 15:03

So pleased you're going to your son's birthday OP. How is the search for care progressing?

Slowly. The hospital have said they are clearly not going to dscharge him except to a nursin home, though moving him to the hospital nearer my sister and I first.Mum really doesn't need to be in a nursing home. I think? Super forgetful and wakes up crying every morning asking where dad is ( also at night), but I think could cope with a lot of support in a flat near me, maybe? . I could build a granny flat as we call them in Australia behind our house to give us each some privacy but would need a loan. At the moment the place that would put them in rooms next to each other seems the best shot. Also waiting, waiting for that urgnt assessment from aged care. SIgh. My saint of a husband has taken mum to see Dad today so I don't give him my cold / coldsore and can wash my hair!! Mum constantly calls out to me, so a brief shower of a morning is the best I've managed. Thanks again all.
Also weirdly, my whole house smells of wee and I can not find the source! Or maybe I'm going mad. One or the other.

OP posts:
Catsmere · 02/05/2024 03:58

I really would get your mum into a nursing home if you can, OP. She's wandering - that alone says "dementia unit". She's in a worse state than my mum, and the hospital wouldn't let her (my mum) come home. Your mum would have around the clock care available, which even on the highest level of home care you wouldn't get (and it costs a fortune to have someone in at night). It makes a huge difference to the carer's mental and physical health to have what is indisputably a burden lifted. The constant alertness, even when you're trying to sleep, the physical requirements, and knowing it's only going to get worse - it's too much, even when you have someone to share the load (unlike your sister, who's making it worse).

Squirrelsonthescaffolding · 02/05/2024 06:58

If your mother is not happy to be left while you have a shower it doesn’t sound like she would be happy in a granny flat sadly. I’ve known next door rooms in a nursing home work well for a couple in my family.

diddl · 02/05/2024 08:37

I really would get your mum into a nursing home if you can, OP.

I would agree with this.

It's likely she'll need 24/7 care soon if she doesn't really already.

I would say it's kinder to move her now with your dad than move her to yours & then have to move her again.

Original poster
margolyes · 02/05/2024 10:04

Thanks all . Night, ( I know it's only 7pm but I can't keep my left eye open, and my legs feel like they have raindrop on them and my hands are vibrating. ). Talkking to my docotor in the morning.

OP posts:
Thisisthecorrectresponse · 02/05/2024 12:50

I'm concerned with all you have said about your mum that you're underestimating what care she needs (it's hard feeling like you're the one putting them in a home). She has dementia and it will only get worse. Be kind to everyone: you will take it much more personally when she is not remembering you properly or has soiled herself , or has sworn at you or hit out at you than a professional facility will. She would want proper, professional care if she could advocate for it, surely? Particularly if she were able to rationally see what it would put you through and your family. Your 12 year old still needs his mummy.