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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I the bitch?

209 replies

margolyes · 28/04/2024 05:54

My older sister and I have never really got on. Now one of our very elderly parents is in hospital we are alternating care between us of our mum. Dad is in hospital. They are both in their late 80's and have lived on their own until Dad's health problem 2 weeks ago.
I look after mum during the week and my sister is supposed to have her on the weekend.
Context - my sister is older and most definitely the favourite but I have got over that long ago.
Sister works 6 hours a day 3 days ( Tues, wed, thursday).
I don't work - long story
My sister also sells things at a market stall on a weekend.
This weekend is a very important market so I will have mum from Monday and all week and weekend. I have agreed not to go to my son's 30th to accomodate this.
When I told her it's ok, don't stress about this upcoming market as I won't go to my son's 30th I thought she would be pleased.
I explained that I would have my sons and their gf's at my place the following weekend instead
She says,
Mum wants to come to the market one day but I cant take her as I leave early in the morning so you will have to do that.
AND
The following weekend we are going interstate to see (her) daughter so Mum will be with you that weekend too.

I know I sound like a bitcj but my mum has terrible dementia mainly shown by short term memory loss. . So will repeat the same question at least 5 times in 2 minutes. Seriously. To add insult to injury she say "poor sister's name, she's so busy" I have to shove my fist in my throat. Always the same 5 questions. None involving me, just my sister. My darling 12 year old is so patient. Much more than me but it's not appropriate for him to see her bursting into tears twice an hour at least. Not even sure what I'm asking. Just venting I guess.
I told my sister she was unreasonable to expect me to mind mum next week and weekend ( the market) and the next week and the following weekend( visit to her daughter 1 hour flight away).
This is shite.
Crying.
My poor Dad who was a uni professor can't get a word out and is just lying in bed.
Sorry for ramble .
I am looking for retirement villages /nursing homes starting tomorrow.
Mum thinks she is going home ( and the nice ambulancemen will carry him up the stairs) .
I've probably posted in the wrong section.

OP posts:
ImustLearn2Cook · 28/04/2024 06:44

@margolyes Your sister works Tues, Wed, Thursday, so have you negotiated with her to swap her weekend of looking after your mum with your Monday and Friday?

You have a 12 year old so I get why you might not be able to commit to every weekend.

IWantOut29 · 28/04/2024 06:44

margolyes · 28/04/2024 06:43

I'm starting to ring around on Monday before Mum comes back to me Monday night. I now I sound awful, but until you experience it you have no idea. And I have been through some shit( hence the not being able to work) and my sister hating me is not heping. I will it sorted though. That's what I do.

You dont sound awful at all, it must be incredibly difficult and it sounds like your doing your best

Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 06:45

Catsmere · 28/04/2024 06:42

I'm in Australia too! Has your mum been assessed by MyAgedCare yet?

Show quote history

In January when they were living at home together! Totally irrelevant now so have to start again I think? Making so many phone calls on Monday.

OP posts:
Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 06:48

ImustLearn2Cook · 28/04/2024 06:44

@margolyes Your sister works Tues, Wed, Thursday, so have you negotiated with her to swap her weekend of looking after your mum with your Monday and Friday?

You have a 12 year old so I get why you might not be able to commit to every weekend.

Sorry. I'm sure you make sense. I am just soooo tired. I guess not this weekend ( market) and not the following weekend ( visit to daughter) that's actually a good idea for the 3rd weekend! Thank you.

OP posts:
Catsmere · 28/04/2024 06:50

margolyes · 28/04/2024 06:45

In January when they were living at home together! Totally irrelevant now so have to start again I think? Making so many phone calls on Monday.

Show quote history

I don't think so (guessing, my mum lived with me when she had various assessments in the last few years). Was she at a level 2 so she could get home care? Mum was last assessed at level 4, then when I had to get her into care they had to do the financial checking to see what fees she'd pay (she's on the base level that comes out of the pension, plus a couple of dollars accommodation). Tip: ring MyAgedCare the minute their lines open. Fingers crossed, all the people there I spoke to were very helpful.

MachineGunnerKellis · 28/04/2024 06:59

Stately homes thread in relationship board would be worth a look

Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 07:01

Oh thanks so much. We need to find a place where they can be together. ( they've been married for 64 years! That is the only thing that is upsetting mum. She's be happy to sit with him all day even if he's asleep. A real truthful love story. Amazingly, just the week before ( I must have had a feeling) I got myself added on as a person who can speak for them (representative ?). My sister already was ( surprise there) . So I will call them tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 07:03

MachineGunnerKellis · 28/04/2024 06:59

Stately homes thread in relationship board would be worth a look

Sadly we aren't wealthy, or do you mean disputes between siblings? Sorry I haven;t read that board. Thank you though. I'll be up all night so I might do it then. ( but Australia not UK).

OP posts:
stopringingme · 28/04/2024 07:31

Finlesswonder · 28/04/2024 06:03

You don't work and your sister has 2 jobs

The sister only works 3 days a week for six hours each of those day and then does a market stall some weekends.

She does not work Monday or Friday so she could look after her Mum on those days instead.

@margolves it is one of the hardest things looking after someone with dementia, I have been there and it just breaks you.

You are working, it is one of the hardest jobs there is - caring for a loved one, it is unpaid and generally not appreciated by those around you.

The same question over and over again is one of the worst things about it, and having to pretend it is the first time they have asked the question and trying to answer without annoyance creeping in.

You need to put your foot down with your sister and tell her in plain words that she needs to step up and share the load.

You will make yourself ill and what will she do then when you are unable to help look after your Mum, it is better for her to work with you instead of against you.

Catsmere · 28/04/2024 07:37

Best of luck @margolyes!

rookiemere · 28/04/2024 07:44

I think the core issue here is that once a person gets to the point of needing round the clock care, it's time for them to move to a care home.
I don't think either of you should be sacrificing important personal events - particularly not your DS 30th birthday party - regardless of how much you do or don't have paid employment.

BananaSpanner · 28/04/2024 07:45

margolyes · 28/04/2024 06:48

Sorry. I'm sure you make sense. I am just soooo tired. I guess not this weekend ( market) and not the following weekend ( visit to daughter) that's actually a good idea for the 3rd weekend! Thank you.

Show quote history

I think she’s asking if you sister wants to renege on some of her weekends why isn’t she helping on the days that she doesn’t work. Ther are 2 days that you could drop your mum at hers to give you some time to yourself.

KTheGrey · 28/04/2024 07:45

Your sister is taking the mick, living in your parents' house (is she still?), getting them to work at her markets and then dumping their care on you when they can't work at her markets and need care, and then dictating when you have to provide care.

Interesting that she doesn't offer to trade her free days for your weekends.

Ruthlessly exploitative is the mildest term for her behaviour.

FlameTulip · 28/04/2024 07:49

You don't sound awful OP. This sounds really hard for all of you and I would definitely be looking into a home or another form of paid care.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 28/04/2024 07:53

FrangipaniBlue · 28/04/2024 06:29

Irrelevant.

There are two sisters who have a mum who needs care. Between them they need to sort it, it's not up to only one of them.

Show quote history

You’d be so surprised how often in real life this doesn’t work out well. Or eg if there’s a much younger sibling with no DC, they’re expected to take on the lion’s care of looking after the parent.

Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 08:06

Final post as am making myself cry. I said to her that she could drop mum here on Tuesday morning on her way to work and she said NO. I have to ( checking the list) feed the dogs, make jam and battle the traffic.
So I said OK, drop her here Monday then. So it's pretty much a solid 2 weeks ( I've asked if she has a day that she can have mum and she hasn't responded). I've told my boys. Get carers in if I'm like this. Actually, I am a moron. I have dealt with carers for years. Adding to Monday phone calls. This is a good idea.
Thanks for letting me talk this out on here ( sadly no local bridges). Just kidding really

OP posts:
KTheGrey · 28/04/2024 08:10

She has to make jam???

That's why she can't drop your mother off?

Piece. Of. Work.

Kalevala · 28/04/2024 08:13

Jam? Rhubarb jam? It's not jam making season.

Copperoliverbear · 28/04/2024 08:14

Ask your sister to have you mum on Fridays and Mondays then, she doesn't work them days and it will give you a break.
Also why can't you take your mum to your son's 30th even if it's only for a few hours.

AGlinnerOfHope · 28/04/2024 08:15

@margolyes hang in there.

The stately homes threads on here are for people who had disfunctional families but all in a very respectable way ‘but you had a wonderful childhood, we took you to stately homes!’

Your dynamic with mum, golden but neglectful sister, is really familiar.

It’s not you, it’s them, regardless of the one PP who thinks it’s ok for you to be the default carer.

Get another assessment or whatever. Take care of yourself and your lad.

exomoon · 28/04/2024 08:17

Your sister can fuck off. Tell her you’re not doing the weekends so she will be leaving mum on her own.

And tell her she has to do alternate Fridays as well.

Once DM is in a care home go NC with sister.

exomoon · 28/04/2024 08:19

margolyes · 28/04/2024 08:06

Final post as am making myself cry. I said to her that she could drop mum here on Tuesday morning on her way to work and she said NO. I have to ( checking the list) feed the dogs, make jam and battle the traffic.
So I said OK, drop her here Monday then. So it's pretty much a solid 2 weeks ( I've asked if she has a day that she can have mum and she hasn't responded). I've told my boys. Get carers in if I'm like this. Actually, I am a moron. I have dealt with carers for years. Adding to Monday phone calls. This is a good idea.
Thanks for letting me talk this out on here ( sadly no local bridges). Just kidding really

Tell her no, tell her you will not be home.

She can take time off work for emergency care.

Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 08:20

In Australia. So not rhubarb. Mind you she gets all the berries frozen . And that is the reason for going to the market. She sells jam. And before anyone says it - yes she just does do it for fun. She has an"extra " house around the corner from hers. She hasn't even bothered renting it out for 10 years after renovating it. Yes it is halfway between her and myself. Yes it has no stairs. Yes I have been begging for mum and dad to move there for at least 3 years. My sister is convinced ( well was I guess) that mum and dad were fine in their house that they had to walk up rickety steep steps to get to the front door. I was outvoted. I'm trying not to give up. Hang in there.

OP posts:
Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 08:22

Copperoliverbear · 28/04/2024 08:14

Ask your sister to have you mum on Fridays and Mondays then, she doesn't work them days and it will give you a break.
Also why can't you take your mum to your son's 30th even if it's only for a few hours.

It's a 2 hour drive each way. Can't face it . It's 100km to my dad in hospital each way.

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 28/04/2024 08:24

rookiemere · 28/04/2024 07:44

I think the core issue here is that once a person gets to the point of needing round the clock care, it's time for them to move to a care home.
I don't think either of you should be sacrificing important personal events - particularly not your DS 30th birthday party - regardless of how much you do or don't have paid employment.

But what do you do when the person isn’t that ill yet or doesn’t require that care but is at risk (had heart attack, on meds), is almost completely deaf and needs a hearing aid, had a hip replacement but also likes doing risky things like going into an attic? Not my situation but my best friend’s. Won’t consider carers (the mother).