Am I the bitch?

[margolyes]

My older sister and I have never really got on. Now one of our very elderly parents is in hospital we are alternating care between us of our mum. Dad is in hospital. They are both in their late 80's and have lived on their own until Dad's health problem 2 weeks ago.
I look after mum during the week and my sister is supposed to have her on the weekend.
Context - my sister is older and most definitely the favourite but I have got over that long ago.
Sister works 6 hours a day 3 days ( Tues, wed, thursday).
I don't work - long story
My sister also sells things at a market stall on a weekend.
This weekend is a very important market so I will have mum from Monday and all week and weekend. I have agreed not to go to my son's 30th to accomodate this.
When I told her it's ok, don't stress about this upcoming market as I won't go to my son's 30th I thought she would be pleased.
I explained that I would have my sons and their gf's at my place the following weekend instead
She says,
Mum wants to come to the market one day but I cant take her as I leave early in the morning so you will have to do that.
AND
The following weekend we are going interstate to see (her) daughter so Mum will be with you that weekend too.

I know I sound like a bitcj but my mum has terrible dementia mainly shown by short term memory loss. . So will repeat the same question at least 5 times in 2 minutes. Seriously. To add insult to injury she say "poor sister's name, she's so busy" I have to shove my fist in my throat. Always the same 5 questions. None involving me, just my sister. My darling 12 year old is so patient. Much more than me but it's not appropriate for him to see her bursting into tears twice an hour at least. Not even sure what I'm asking. Just venting I guess.
I told my sister she was unreasonable to expect me to mind mum next week and weekend ( the market) and the next week and the following weekend( visit to her daughter 1 hour flight away).
This is shite.
Crying.
My poor Dad who was a uni professor can't get a word out and is just lying in bed.
Sorry for ramble .
I am looking for retirement villages /nursing homes starting tomorrow.
Mum thinks she is going home ( and the nice ambulancemen will carry him up the stairs) .
I've probably posted in the wrong section.

Hi OP,
I hope you got a good rest.
It sounds to me like your mum does need constant care and support - if she wakes up crying doesn't she need someone there for reassurance?

I'm sorry to say that I don't think building/extending for your mum is going to work. Dementia is degenerative (as you know of course) sadly she will not get better, she will only get worse. I'm sorry if that is hard to hear - but the chances are that by the time the flat was built it would be unsuitable for her to live in - unless you envisage staffing it with 24 hour care? It will be much easier to adapt to her changing needs by having the option to change care home provider.

See what advice you get at the care assessment. Your mum might not need nursing care as such but it is likely that she needs a high ratio of staff to residents with all the attention that she does need. The amount of staff input she needs might be beyond what is ordinarily provided in residential.

I know someone at the moment that has been served notice to quit by their care home (England) because the support they need is beyond what is provided - mainly due to night wanderings. So I wouldn't try to get your mum into somewhere by minimising her needs as then it is disruptive to her when she has to move.

Thanks all . Dad terrible today. Sitting up but wouldn't wake up and dribbling. Never seen him do that before. Still waiting on a transfer. Mum been in tears. Have given up not texting directly with my sister as just too much to organise so I sent an "olive branch" text. BUT my son's 30th was amazing. So one shining light.

Really good you got to go to the party!! Sorry to hear things are worse re your father. Sounds good to reach out to sister as I guess you have to work together to solve a very difficult situation. Wishing you all the best!

@margolyes I'm so sorry. This is such a stressful time. It's bad enough coping with one struggling parent never mind two 😔
I'm glad you enjoyed the party though.

Found a bed for my Dad 5 minutes between my sis and I. Just waiting on the govt assessment. Sister wants to tour other places. I just want him out of the hospital that is over a 2 hour round trip and somewhere close where mum can spend the day with him. He was unwell this morning. Vomiting up "coffee grounds" and very low blood pressure . Hopefully he will be be well enough to move him. Mum doesn't care where he is as long as she ccan sit and hold his hand. They can always move later.

Progress!

Glad you found somewhere possible. Maybe your sister just needs to look at places as part of feeling ok with it, but as you say, he can always move later. Hope you get him nearer one way or another

Good news!

I hope he's in there soon for you.