Am I the bitch?

[margolyes]

My older sister and I have never really got on. Now one of our very elderly parents is in hospital we are alternating care between us of our mum. Dad is in hospital. They are both in their late 80's and have lived on their own until Dad's health problem 2 weeks ago.
I look after mum during the week and my sister is supposed to have her on the weekend.
Context - my sister is older and most definitely the favourite but I have got over that long ago.
Sister works 6 hours a day 3 days ( Tues, wed, thursday).
I don't work - long story
My sister also sells things at a market stall on a weekend.
This weekend is a very important market so I will have mum from Monday and all week and weekend. I have agreed not to go to my son's 30th to accomodate this.
When I told her it's ok, don't stress about this upcoming market as I won't go to my son's 30th I thought she would be pleased.
I explained that I would have my sons and their gf's at my place the following weekend instead
She says,
Mum wants to come to the market one day but I cant take her as I leave early in the morning so you will have to do that.
AND
The following weekend we are going interstate to see (her) daughter so Mum will be with you that weekend too.

I know I sound like a bitcj but my mum has terrible dementia mainly shown by short term memory loss. . So will repeat the same question at least 5 times in 2 minutes. Seriously. To add insult to injury she say "poor sister's name, she's so busy" I have to shove my fist in my throat. Always the same 5 questions. None involving me, just my sister. My darling 12 year old is so patient. Much more than me but it's not appropriate for him to see her bursting into tears twice an hour at least. Not even sure what I'm asking. Just venting I guess.
I told my sister she was unreasonable to expect me to mind mum next week and weekend ( the market) and the next week and the following weekend( visit to her daughter 1 hour flight away).
This is shite.
Crying.
My poor Dad who was a uni professor can't get a word out and is just lying in bed.
Sorry for ramble .
I am looking for retirement villages /nursing homes starting tomorrow.
Mum thinks she is going home ( and the nice ambulancemen will carry him up the stairs) .
I've probably posted in the wrong section.

Oh @Finlesswonder you silly sausage.

Thank you. Dad is still in hospital. Will be for several weeks at least. The hospital have already said they won't release him into the care of my mum. We have to have a "family meeting". Joy of joys ( kill me now). Mum thinks she is taking him home. I've told her so many times that is not happening and she just forgets. Then she wants to go home and live on her own and I have to say no, again, and then she cries and around and around we go.
I have an assessment request in - best advice was the earliest it will be is within 10 days. Madly ringing around every kind of retirement type place but there seems to be a huge gap in the market for couples who want to stay together but need varying levels of assistance. As soon as you mention dementia they say sorry can't help you except for a bed in our dementia ward. Best I have found is rooms next to each other. Sigh. I will keep ringing.
Carers are higely expensive in Australia. Through an agency you are looking at $50 (roughly 25 pounds) an hour. I don't have that kind of money sadly.

Ignore the "changes will make things worse" comments, @margolyes .

If you're referring to my comment @Catsmere, I was talking about in the short term, while OP was in position of HAVING to care for her mum until a more long term solution is found. Certainly not suggesting in any way that it was sustainable. Like many on this thread, including yourself, I've been there.

Bloody emojis are confusing. So much room for misunderstanding!
Up now waiting for mum to get up. Will give her her brekky and a cup of tea and then try to put her off as long as possible until we head to the hospital. Once we arrive she won't want to leave. Will try and track down a doctor ( they are like ships in the night - you never see them) then insist on going home to pick up 12yo after school ( who sweetly offered to wait at the shops where the bus drops him if we can't get there on time - most ridiculously nice and mature child). Don't deserve him or my others. Going to cry now. Will update tomorrow on todays developments if that is ok. Kind of like a diary that other people are reading. Stops me from punching walls or running away. Thanks to anyone who isreading. Appreciate it.

Thanks, it wasn't clear to me that's what you meant. The having to care period is a nightmare. It's a great relief that it's over for me, despite the problem of having to find work. I hope @margolyes' mum is quickly assessed as needing residential care, and a place in a good home is available.

To be fair, you're right @Catsmere. What I meant wasn't very clear!

It's me! Major drama with sister.
Surprise surprise.
Mum repeating herself so much I am considering throwing self in front of bus . Been told by doctors that the private hospital won't take Dad as he is too unwell. Watched Dad mix his ice cream with his lunch and then pour his juice on top and eat most of it. Lovely doctor is getting Dad moved to a hospital 5 minutes from me and my sister.
Now spending hours explaining to my mum that Dad will not get his licence back.

Hugs, @margolyes .

Going to a public. Paid decades of private health insurance! That was a waste of money.

Ouch.

Have you tried written notes for her, or a blackboard noticeboard, calendar, anything like that so she doesn't keep asking what's happening after forgetting what youve told her? Appreciate you've only had her a couple of weeks.

Sounds like a shit situation still. But a hospital 5 minutes away is a good thing? Can your mum sit with your dad by herself in hospital? You could drop her off and go back for her? Or would she wander off and get into trouble

OP, I work in a dementia care home and the easiest thing is just to go with the person's version of reality. So your mum forgets that your dad isn't going home. When she says about it just agree, "that will be good yes he will like that." Saves a little bit of your sanity and hopefully stops some of her upset.

It's a horrible disease. Getting them into care will let you stop being a carer and just be a daughter again.

A lot of people lose the ability to read as their dementia progresses so it would depend if she is still able to process and remember words whether this would help.

There's a simple solution to this.

Sister rents out spare house and uses the money to pay for a carer.

Don't miss the 30th.

Spare house ffs.

I just mentioned it as she sounds a lot like my grandmother with the five minute questioning. My grandmother's presents mostly as that short term memory loss and notes and routine help a lot.

OP, I think you've had a massively tough time on here. But honestly until those people have cared for someone with dementia they will not understand how difficult, depressing and heart breaking it can be. I think your sister is incredibly rude to not ask you about the second weekend, you are very kind doing the first. I'd take on almost any job over caring for my mum again, it was incredibly hard.

I think your best plan is to find someone safe and comfortable for you mum. Sadly dementia doesn't get better in anyway, it does become even more difficult. I think you should look into options so you can cope better and also so you can spend time with you DC (you mention a 12 yo).

No, fair enough. I just wanted to highlight that it might not be a solution. Obviously it absolutely might be.

Not really. One very part time job and a side gig

@Finlesswonder
The sister is wealthier
The OP is missing their ds 30th but sister expects them to accommodate her going to visit her dc the following weekend.
Nah. No working doesn't make you a slave.
Added to which, caring for dementia parents 24/7 is way more than doing 18 hours a week job and a hobby market stall

It’s a thing isn’t it - ‘not working’ is equivalent to being an abuser (never an excuse). All these people quoting the Tory rhetoric.

Yep. She can read, thankfully. We have given her typed notes, handwritten everything in her diary for every day, plus given her a notebook to write things like phone numbers. She says, " oh thank you". Five minutes later asks me the same questions. I am at the "yep, yep, hmmm" stage. ( she has just asked me 5 times if the weather presenter on the TV is gay). Gosh knows why. She doesn't recognise her grandchildren in a photo. Has forgotten where the bathroom is in our house . Asks every time or walks the wrong direction. Aged care workers need a bloody medal and a massive pay rise.
I suppose it helps if you aren't emotionally involved but geez, I'd have to wear noise cancelling headphones to cope. Love to any aged care workers who happen to be reading. I am in awe.

Things are bad here . My sister
just said to me "I know you have $signs in your eyes about mum and dad's property."
I am actually in shock. They moved away when I was 20 and I have never been reliant on them or taken a cent off them.
My sister when she accidentally got pregnant moved straight to their place and lived there for years, for free of course. Has used them for childcare constantly etc. And then every other weekend had them getting up at 6am to "help" at her market stall ( too tight to pay anyone.)
Meanwhile I was 2 hours away so not asking them for anything. Just visiting or inviting them to ours for parties and things like their 50th wedding anniversary which I had at my place.
I assume she is saying this because mum asked me to get a valuation of their property and I aske 2 agents to go by but not go in the house . A drive-by type valutaion. One took a photo from the bottom of their place which is waterfront but public land. My sister said that was trespass and I had no right to organise that. Even though mum had asked me.
I have just texted her that I can't deal with her and all future communication has to go through one of my son's and gave her the numbers of two ( one turning 30 in a few days and one 23yo about to graduate law school). I left the other one out as he would just tell her to get fucked. ( probably the smartest of the lot of us)
What a shitshow of a situation. Mum has been in tears, so have I. Fuck. Sorry for ramble.

You should have given her number to the one that would tell her to get fucked!

But well done for refusing to speak her further. Not that you need justification, but that nasty comment gives you it.

On the plus side Dad didn't pour his ice cream and juice onto his lunch today! I always try and look for the broght side, but I am really struggling to find one here.