Am I the bitch?

[margolyes]

My older sister and I have never really got on. Now one of our very elderly parents is in hospital we are alternating care between us of our mum. Dad is in hospital. They are both in their late 80's and have lived on their own until Dad's health problem 2 weeks ago.
I look after mum during the week and my sister is supposed to have her on the weekend.
Context - my sister is older and most definitely the favourite but I have got over that long ago.
Sister works 6 hours a day 3 days ( Tues, wed, thursday).
I don't work - long story
My sister also sells things at a market stall on a weekend.
This weekend is a very important market so I will have mum from Monday and all week and weekend. I have agreed not to go to my son's 30th to accomodate this.
When I told her it's ok, don't stress about this upcoming market as I won't go to my son's 30th I thought she would be pleased.
I explained that I would have my sons and their gf's at my place the following weekend instead
She says,
Mum wants to come to the market one day but I cant take her as I leave early in the morning so you will have to do that.
AND
The following weekend we are going interstate to see (her) daughter so Mum will be with you that weekend too.

I know I sound like a bitcj but my mum has terrible dementia mainly shown by short term memory loss. . So will repeat the same question at least 5 times in 2 minutes. Seriously. To add insult to injury she say "poor sister's name, she's so busy" I have to shove my fist in my throat. Always the same 5 questions. None involving me, just my sister. My darling 12 year old is so patient. Much more than me but it's not appropriate for him to see her bursting into tears twice an hour at least. Not even sure what I'm asking. Just venting I guess.
I told my sister she was unreasonable to expect me to mind mum next week and weekend ( the market) and the next week and the following weekend( visit to her daughter 1 hour flight away).
This is shite.
Crying.
My poor Dad who was a uni professor can't get a word out and is just lying in bed.
Sorry for ramble .
I am looking for retirement villages /nursing homes starting tomorrow.
Mum thinks she is going home ( and the nice ambulancemen will carry him up the stairs) .
I've probably posted in the wrong section.

This is my mum. Hence I am going to be looking for a place where they can be together . She isn't ill, just has NO short term memory. They need more places ike this as it must be common that one partner is healthier than the other.

I'm sorry to say this but your sister is a horribly selfish person and I'm sorry I think I'd snap when your mum keeps going on about how wonderful she is and tell her a few home truths.

At the moment , where is your mum? No is a complete sentence. It's not fair on anyone, this. Your time would be better spent finding them a place to stay together using the authorities to support you. You can't suddenly become a full time carer to someone with dementia just because they're related to you and expect it not to impact on your own family or your life - your children are important too. Good luck, OP - I feel for you - sounds like mum needs to stay in care/ have carers doing the chunk so that you can make regular visits.

No she's never been in care. I have been gently suggesting a retirement village ( you know , where you have your own unit but can press a button if someone is feeling unwell) for years. Been overruled by my parents and my sister. Nurse told me yesterday, " you do know he has to go to a nursing home". So I'm trying to ring everywhere tomorrow to find a place that can support both of them. Sadly I can't have them here. Dad now needs 2 nurses to get in and out of bed to a chair. Is incontinent etc. I think think the "mild" heart attack that they have told us he had in the 2 days he was stuck in emergency may have not been that "mild".

Your sister is being the bitch here, not you! And there is no way I'd miss my son's 30th birthday just so your sister can sell some poxy jars of jam at a bloody market for fun! Oh and then it's ok for her to leave your mum to visit her daughter. No way!
I think you need to stand up to your sister and I agree with a pp, I'd struggle to hold my tongue when your mum keeps talking about your 'poor' sister.

Sorry forgot you were Southern hemisphere! If the berries are frozen she can make jam anytime before the coming weekend surely? If your mum wants to go to the market you could drop her there with your sister on the Sunday morning through to Tuesday morning?

Your parents are too unwell and your sister too selfish for there to be any point at all in trying to sort out a caring schedule that works.

You need to allow yourself to set feelings of duty or guilt aside, and focus on getting them into care homes. Separately. And work from there on finding a placement together - which said as it is, is very unlikely to happen given they both have specific needs. Imagine your dad was in a place for physical care - do you think they’d let your mum be dropped off and sit with him all day? I think not - because the moment it crossed over into caring for her too, they’d tell you she couldn’t visit unaccompanied.

Your sister will never agree to this whilst she thinks you will do the care, you need to gather your strength and push it through.

Which is not being a bitch.

I'm losing it.. She had said that the reason her daughter hadn't visited her Grandpa ( our dad) was because her daughter had Covid. I said if she is infectious do you think you should be visiting her? ( the planned visit to her daughter in another city an hours flight away). Maybe not well explained but obvious .
She ( purposely) took that as "should she be visiting dad" and texted me at 6.45 am ( sunday morning today for you northern hemisphere people), these exact words "You do know that covid is not transmitted through the phone , don't you? "
I hope that makes sense.
Basically, she's just nasty but nobody has believed me until now as she can pretend to be nice. She's not that bad, just super negative. I used to try to go out of a night with her when we were in our 20's. It was just a constant litany of "oh, look at her dress, oh her hair is awful " etc etc so I gave up.
Can't do anything wrong by my mum though - weird as everytime anyone looks at a photo of mum when she was young they say she and I are carbon copies. Not true as mum was waaaay better looking than I have ever been. Mum had many photos in magazines and newspapers . None of those for me but we do look alike. And have the same sense of humour.
I feel awful speaking this all out loud to you people that don't know me but I have dumped enough on my adult children ( 12yo was a bonus baby and the best thing ever). Others are in their 20's ( only by a week for my oldest!)

@margolyes I look after mum during the week and my sister is supposed to have her on the weekend. so when do her weekends of care start??? you are not going to your sons birthday due to looking after mum on sister's weekend and the following weekend sis is going out of state to visit so you have your mum again? so really it looks like you have her for two solid weeks at least. I would be taking your mum to your sister on the friday and leaving her there! dont put up with any more shit from that selfish sister!

You need to get her into a home now. It doesn't need to be the same one as your dad as it's likely you would need to facilitate visits anyway. If she is in a hostel type environment with a kitchenette but meals provided and he requires nursing care then, depending on the severity of her dementia, she may not be able to visit his facility alone on the same site. Just obviously avoid homes in opposite directions if possible.

Yes. well her "time" finishes tomorrow and starts 2 weeks later is my guess? I'm so pathetic I get my 12yo to check any msg I end to my sister to make sure I don't upset her. I'm 53yo!!!! Habits are hard to break.

Mum refuses to go to a home

I'm stuffed

Does she have capacity to decide that?

I would cover the market as you offered refuse to do the following weekend as you are busy. Tell her she has to provide cover as you will be seeing your son.

Maybe it would be best not to accept her back from your sister. Sister can take annual leave while organising care this week.

You should put your foot down about your son's 30th Birthday. That day will never come again.

Tell your sister she at least needs to fund a carer to sit with your mum so you can attend the 30th

You have also allowed this. Why are you missing your sons 30th when she would never do this.

No one should be obligated to look after parents or provide a house for them, so I think you are being hard on your sister here. What you feel responsible for is your business you can’t just nominate how much your sister needs to do. And your view on her providing a house for them is unfair.

They need to be in a care home, which you are now looking for, and as soon as you can get this in place the better.

That's not acceptable that she gets to visit her dd on a weekend but you don't get to go to your son's 30th.
If your sister is too busy to do her share then care home it is. Or she pays you to do her share.

Yes your sister works 2 jobs but that doesn’t mean she takes priority. I can’t believe she wouldn’t care for her mum to enable you to go to your ds’s 30th. She sounds extremely selfish.

you need to find support for your parents or you are going to be no use to anyone. Having young children and also a carer is hard work.

Sorry but you are being a bit of a doormat, can't believe your 12yr old has spent his holidays crying and you have allowed this. Your mum refuses to go into a home? Well she has to as you are unable to carry on the care you have been providing. She has dementia so clearly won't be safe at home alone as you have been told by the hospital that your father is not safe to return to living at home. As for missing your sons 30th... Point blank refuse and tell your sister she either comes herself or pays for a carer! Stand up for yourself a bit more.

Tell MyAgedCare all this when you call them tomorrow.

Dementia Australia might have advice, too.

Thanks all. I'm thinking hard . I am far from perfect , but I do believe my sister takes advantage of me. ( For example I would not just organise a weekend away - I would check with her - she doesn't , she just tells me what she has done). I'm going to spend tomorrow ringing arounf local nursing homes/retirement villages. And then will visit some once my youngest starts school on Tuesday. Will have to leave DM with DH ! Or maybe we will swap. I could try taking mum but she will either refuse to get out of the car or just walk around crying. Feck this sucks .