Ex friend text to tell me what a horrible person I am

[feelo]

I met friend through work and we were good friends but the friendship did slowly drift and then lockdown happened and then I got a new job so it didn’t help and we spoke occasionally.

Last year I arranged to meet up with her and I asked so much about her, her upcoming wedding, new dog and she asked me nothing. Months later I asked if she wanted to meet for coffee and on the morning she cancelled because she’d fallen down the stairs and hurt her wrist.

In truth it was a really bad time in my life and I was really depressed and I just felt the friendship only existed because I put the effort in and I just didn’t respond. Which yes is 100% wrong of me and selfish but it wasn’t to be malicious.

A year goes by and today she text me (a reallllly long text) saying how horrible I am and her wrist is still messed up and I never checked in on her and that she hopes I never get injured and she doesn’t want a response to this, she just wants me to know our friendship is over.

I’ve just felt horrible since that message (sinking feeling) and I’d rather she came to me earlier and said what I did hurt her, rather than sit on for a year and blow up.

She;s pissed off because she lost her audience and I would bet a bag of lemon sherberts that you are not the only person who has allowed friendship with her to drift. if she is as self absorbed as she sounds, can you imagine what an absolute cow she must have been over her wedding?

And the comment about how if YOU had rearranged she would have gone, that says it all. You, and others, are there to facilitate her life, no reciprocity at all.

Delete, block, forget. She aint worth the rent free space you are currently allowing her in your head. You have worked too hard to get to where you are now to allow toxicity back into your life.

Stay well

It's still all about her to her. If you explained, I bet she would make it all about her still. Her rage all this time later is a real red flag to me. Bet something else has happened and it's prompted her to lay into you. You're well rid. I hope you're doing better now.

Just ignore her. I know that feeling - a close relative did something similar to me and it's unpleasant. Believe me, the sinking feeling will subside, but as to whether you can put the whole thing behind you in the long run, that's another story. I still feel very sad, but I haven't gone back to the relationship, my relative told me how horrible I am so clearly she doesn't want me in her life any more, and I don't want to impose my "horrid" self on someone who feels that way. Sad way for things to end, but all things must pass.

She hurt herself and you didn’t much care, it was all about your disappointment at not meeting on that day. Then you got immersed in your own very difficult stuff and never reached out. She feels dumped. Dumped people get very angry and hurt sometimes. She could definitely have handled it better but you’re not just an innocent party in this.

This is a really lovely post with some excellent advice in your first and last paragraphs.

I’m so glad your baby survived against all odds, you must have had to be incredibly strong to cope in that situation.

You should have texted to check on her after she broke her wrist. However you were severely depressed, which is a mental illness to be considered seriously. I'd message back, " I'm really sorry I didn't check on you. I actually had severe depression, and went through a dark time. The police were sent to check on me at some point. So please don't think I ignored you on purpose, I was suffering from poor mental health issues. I sincerely hope that you are okay." I feel as though you should let her know, as it clearly explains why it happened. The reason is probably what she wants to know, as its been a year later and she hasn't moved on from it. I hope you end up on good terms again.

Ooooh

I would have replied 'Who dis?'

Were you the person described in that other thread @feelo ? Were you out with other friends and displaying on insta etc?

You should have replied to her message after she fell, it was rude not to. You have issues like depression in your life she didn’t know about so there’s every chance she’s got issues of her own that you didn’t know about.

Sounds like the friendship has run its course, I wouldn’t even bother replying now. Neither of you sound like good friends to each other so I’d let it go.

Someone has already linked to that upthread.

Assuming that both threads are two sides of this story, how do we know that the insta was the OP's? And people are allowed to go out when they are depressed, especially as the OP has made it clear that meeting people gave her a reason to get out of bed.

I stand by the "self absorbed friend can jog on" sentiment.

I'd text back, 'Sadly, you have no idea what was going on in my life at the time. You were too self absorbed to ask. You are right. The friendship is over'.

Then I'd block.

It’s not just two sides of the same story. It’s the same story, from the other side, written as if it’s JUST happened, except last August. They can’t both be true. Either it happened last August or it happened right now. And both from brand new posters. The poster in August never posted again. I suspect this poster won’t either. Hence reporting it.

@Butchyrestingface I didn't link to it - I was replying to the poster who did 🙃

You could just own it?
"I admit that ignoring you at a time when you were seriously injured was xyz. And I feel very xyz. I would like to apologise for what I didn't do then. Wishing you all the best in the future and a speedy recovery."

Text back with.
Thanks for the fed back have a good day.
Then block immediately.

I think this is good. Acknowledge that you let her down and can understand her feelings. Explain briefly about what you were going through.

I guess from her perspective, when you met up, she wasn’t aware that you thought she’d gone on about herself (people like this never are), to her this was just a normal interaction. Then she messages you having to cancel plans and tells you about her wrist- and never hears from you again. Fairly understandable that she was upset about that - she’s not a mind reader so she didn’t know you were already a bit annoyed with her and not really fussed about her friendship. If you find her self absorbed- don’t be her friend, that’s fine, but you basically ghosted her with no obvious (to her) reason.

I I’d probably reply ‘Sorry, I had a lot going on at the time (still do), but I understand it must have been hurtful that I didn’t check you were ok, and I’m sorry for that. I think given everything going on for us both, our friendship has probably run its course, hope no hard feelings, OP.’

Delete block. Done !

Even though you made the decision to ghost her, you are offended because she didn’t contact you earlier so you could explain your reasons for ghosting her. You maybe in a better place but I don’t think you’ve learnt much.

Continue ghosting her or respond to her message but this ‘friendship’ died because both parties didn’t put the effort in.

It was a one sided friendship , you said she had showed zero interest and you were asking all the questions when you last met.
i wouldnt reply, sounds like this friendship had run its course.

I think you are right. If she was that bothered she could have asked you for an explanation. The last meeting you had, you showed plenty of interest in her life and she seemingly showed none in yours, and expected you to make all the running in planning meet ups etc. It does come across as if she was less invested in friendship with you, than you were with her anyway, which is why her text a year after the event was so odd and sounds quite grudge bearing.

It wasn't great that you didn't ask how she was but understandable if you were so depressed that you were getting police checks on your well being.

Don't let this get you down. Its a her problem.

Sending a long message saying you are horrible, was unkind. She actually sounds as a pp said very me me me.

I do think you should reply, as I don't think her "missive" should go unanswered, in a nice way and briefly explain refute the fact that you were horrible, and wish her all the best in the future.

Best response is no response.

I would reply, “Sorry, who is this?”

You don’t owe her an explanation. She’s some old co-worker.