Ex friend text to tell me what a horrible person I am

[feelo]

I met friend through work and we were good friends but the friendship did slowly drift and then lockdown happened and then I got a new job so it didn’t help and we spoke occasionally.

Last year I arranged to meet up with her and I asked so much about her, her upcoming wedding, new dog and she asked me nothing. Months later I asked if she wanted to meet for coffee and on the morning she cancelled because she’d fallen down the stairs and hurt her wrist.

In truth it was a really bad time in my life and I was really depressed and I just felt the friendship only existed because I put the effort in and I just didn’t respond. Which yes is 100% wrong of me and selfish but it wasn’t to be malicious.

A year goes by and today she text me (a reallllly long text) saying how horrible I am and her wrist is still messed up and I never checked in on her and that she hopes I never get injured and she doesn’t want a response to this, she just wants me to know our friendship is over.

I’ve just felt horrible since that message (sinking feeling) and I’d rather she came to me earlier and said what I did hurt her, rather than sit on for a year and blow up.

Clearly there has been fault on both sides; I think you'll feel better/lighter if you take responsibility for your side and apologise. Something like "I'm sorry to hear your wrist is still bad and sorry I didn't respond at the time, I was having a very tough week myself and had been counting on seeing you that day. I think we can agree the friendship is over and had run its course even before your accident. I have fond memories of the good times we shared and I wish you the best for the future."

If someone not close to me has told.me not to respond then I would take them at their word (even though it is a desperate attention seeking action shes indulging in). You're not responsible for how she feels in this, there's some expectation from her that you're role is to come.running / support her etc.

I'd not respond.

I had a friend send me a 6 part message on FB (like every part was so long it got cut off!) on why I was a horrible friend and why she was right about everything and I was wrong. In the moment I wanted to reply to every single point with “my side” but I refused to stoop to her level. The literally ended the whole million word rant with offering to work things out in person! Umm, no thanks.

I replied something like “Thank you for this long message, there is clearly no friendship to salvage. I wish you the best.”

Sometimes I miss the friendship from when it was good but knowing this sort of resentment would always be there wasn’t worth it.

@anon4net What an awful time you had. Your poor family x

She obviously wants some closure and you're entitled to it too. Maybe reply and say what you've said here.

When you didn’t reply, she could easily have messaged again a week or two later saying “Are you okay? I was worried when you didn’t reply to my last message.” Instead, she leapt to the assumption that you didn’t give a toss about her and then waited a YEAR to tell you she thinks you’re a bitch. That says a lot about her.

I'd be tempted to reply “You have simply reminded me why I ditched you in the first place”. Pity she’s not a bloke - you could have gone with “Your wrist’s probably hurting because you’re such a wanker”.

I would reply. I'd respond that you were struggling at that time with depression and that actually a friendship is a two way street and she didn't reach out to check if you were OK either. That instead of stewing on this for over a year she could have said so at the time and that whilst you are glad she has aired her feelings it was time for you to state yours and that the friendship is over and you don't expect to hear from her again. At this point I'd block her and move on op.

Honesty is the best policy. It sounds like you were both having a bad time. Why not tell her and see if you can rekindle your friendship if you want to?

You've had no contact for a year - and she's been stewing on this for an entire year?
Yeah, whatever. Ignore her.

Falling down the stairs and hurting her wrist did not stop her from having a coffee with you, she could of just invited you to hers and pointed at the kettle! You were not being unfair, you got sick of doing the running. And thats ok!

I would text her back to be honest. Explain, Tell her very clearly that while you were sorry she had hurt herself, but you were going through mental health hell and back and if she was interested she would of known that. That You're not having a go, but it's very clear you have different ideas of friendship and that's ok. But that doesn't mean you're anymore of a bad person than she is, for constantly cancelling plans and not having any interest in her friends lives.

Im a good friend once you have me, but I have done exactly the same with two friends in particular, for similar reasons. No doubt they think the same of me and im now fine with that, life is short, to short to spend it upset that the people in your life dont reciprocate the thought you put into them, or the effort it takes to keep your friendship alive amidst the chaos of work, kids and everything else we have to deal with around it.

You don’t sound like you were a very good friend and if you were so depressed that you admit that you wasn’t in your right frame of mind and the police had to get involved, then it’s very likely you were not as good of a friend as you thought you were.

There are definitely 2 sides to this story and I can imagine hers is very different to yours.

It was a very shitty thing not to reply to someone who has just injured themselves and it’s a glimpse of how selfish the depression was making you at the time.

Instead of hoping your friend was ok or checking on her, you actually felt wronged that she now couldn’t make it and made it about yourself.
You didn’t care that she was physically hurt, you just cared about missing out.

Of course this wasn’t intentional but you were the one not being a good friend and I can see why she was so hurt.

She was absolutely right to call you out on your behaviour but it’s really odd that she’s chosen to do it now.
Perhaps something has reminded her of her injury or something and it’s triggered how hurt she felt.

I would apologise for your behaviour and not checking in with her and say what you’ve said on here about it being one sided (although I can imagine it wasn’t).

You can both get closure and be done with the friendship once and for all.

I would give a brief explanation about why you didn't respond, whatever will give you closure, and leave it there.

Just ignore her text and move on.

You can't change the fact you didn't acknowledge her or wish her well, or that you were ill at the time.

But it never occured to her to check in on you, find out if you were ok when she didn't hear back, did it.

It's all about her.

Those aren't friends.

Ignore, block, move on.

Falling down the stairs and hurting her wrist did not stop her from having a coffee with you, she could of just invited you to hers and pointed at the kettle!

Give over FFS.

The poor woman broke her wrist and that probably wasn't the only thing that hurt!

You must be very needy towards your friends if you think they should still do coffee after falling down the stairs!

You seem to have missed a few parts of the original post and randomly added a bit about police involvement 🤷🏼‍♀️

🤣

It reminds me of the poem

I was angry with my friend
I told my friend, my wrath did end
I was angry with my foe
I told him not, my wrath did grow

Communication is everything but some people are just awful and never think they've done anything wrong and still have the audacity to get the hump. Just block her

I'd say she'd already proven she's not a great friend tbh
Respond to tell her what you've Said here and maybe if she wasn't so self obsessed she'd have enquired after you in all that time. Then leave it.
Some friendships aren't meant to last

The fact that she pressed send on that message tells you she is an idiot. Take her at her word, just don't reply at all, and give her no more thought.

I would text back this

Im so sorry. I have been suffering with debilitating depression and neglected to check up on you. Im genuinely sorry you were injured and that i behaved selfishly. Take care .

Then block her.

@iamawarriorwhojustcrieseasily are you serious??? Falling down the stairs and fracturing your wrist (probably amongst other bumps and bruises) is a reason to cancel! She had to go to get her wrist seen too.

When I slipped down the stairs and fractured my big toe I took a hell of a bashing and couldn't stop shaking for a few hours due to the adrenaline and ended up in a moon boot for 4 weeks!

The friend isn't a mind reader and the OP said her friend didn't know she was depressed.

So from her friends perspective, she messaged her to say she was injured...and friend ignored her.

I think the friendship is over and either OP explain about her own heath problems or not message back.

OP was the one who mentioned police involvement.

Ermm no I haven’t.

It’s no excuse but I was severely depressed, to the point the police had done a welfare check on me that Friday where I’d lied for a good 20 minutes telling them I was fine and I was seeing her on the Sunday. I think sometimes with depression you can’t think outside that horrendous bubble.

You’re the one who has obviously missed parts.

Anyone who is that depressed is obviously not in their right frame of mind (which OP would agree on) and will not have been a very good friend at the time, even without not replying when her friend had injured herself.

If my friend had injured themselves I wouldn’t think twice about replying hoping they’re ok and asking if they need anything.

The fact that OP didn’t, shows what state of mind she was in.

@feelo You are well rid- she's not a real friend- If she had been , she'd have said in a further text ''Whoops! I broke my wrist'' - {which someone normally would follow up with } - also , if she was a true friend, you'd have texted her or phoned yourself.

Friendship is a two way street- if it's ''hard work'', or stilted, it's not a natural, easy friendship.

Move on.