Ex friend text to tell me what a horrible person I am

[feelo]

I met friend through work and we were good friends but the friendship did slowly drift and then lockdown happened and then I got a new job so it didn’t help and we spoke occasionally.

Last year I arranged to meet up with her and I asked so much about her, her upcoming wedding, new dog and she asked me nothing. Months later I asked if she wanted to meet for coffee and on the morning she cancelled because she’d fallen down the stairs and hurt her wrist.

In truth it was a really bad time in my life and I was really depressed and I just felt the friendship only existed because I put the effort in and I just didn’t respond. Which yes is 100% wrong of me and selfish but it wasn’t to be malicious.

A year goes by and today she text me (a reallllly long text) saying how horrible I am and her wrist is still messed up and I never checked in on her and that she hopes I never get injured and she doesn’t want a response to this, she just wants me to know our friendship is over.

I’ve just felt horrible since that message (sinking feeling) and I’d rather she came to me earlier and said what I did hurt her, rather than sit on for a year and blow up.

We have friendships that endure and some that don't last because the connection that brought you together is no longer there. Work friendships being the prime example.

I wouldn't bother to respond. It won't make you or her feel any better. The friendship is over.

This is a good message , if you're going to respond I'd do it with this.

You are both in the wrong, and whilst you're asking for her to understand, and have empathy for your situation, you're not showing her the same courtesy.

Tell her the truth, tell her how depressed you felt etc and about the police visit. She will realise that she is not a great friend either.

Not sure why she’s even messaged you this after a year.

If neither of you have been in contact for a year, and it never entered your head to find out how she was, then the friendship is dead in the water anyway.

I might respond and say "I totally agree, I was at fault here, and I accept there is no coming back from this, but to be honest I feel the friendship had run it's course as the only times we have met up are when I contacted you. So my bad in this instance, but neither of us have been a good friend to the other. I hope your wrist heals soon."

And then leave it.

Doesn’t sound to me like you did anything wrong! Either a) completely ignore or b)say you agree the friendship is over as you seemed to be the only one who made any effort. Then forget all about her.

Sorry you’re going through a tough time OP but how was your friend to know how you were feeling unless you told her? She cancelled on you because she hurt herself, you should have checked up on her afterwards, she wasn’t to know you were struggling mentally?

Of you haven’t spoken in a year then obviously you don’t need each other as friends so maybe just leave it?

Personally I'd just text back and say that you're sorry you didn't text back at the time, you were having a very bad time and were really struggling emotionally, and you wish that she'd updated you sooner because you were not in an emotional place to reach out for help, and you are sorry to hear about her wrist. Then just leave it. Let her stew on the way she has reacted.

Don’t reply. The friendship was always one-sided, you put all the work in. You’ve gone a year without her and you say you’re in a really good place now, so why change anything?

block and delete her number. Think no more of it.

I've had this exact same thing happen (different details obviously). This is about your friend not you. Some people have very specific expectations of friendships, don't express their expectations, and then build up huge resentment when those expectations are not met. I had a fair few insults along with the ending of mine (that I'm selfish and think I'm something special). At the time I could see she was very hurt and I sent a nice apologetic reply. However, if she got in touch now I would politely decline and further contact.

It really doesn't help the situation to label someone "horrible" though. Friendship can be complex and full of misunderstandings - despite what some people on MN seem to think, life doesn't always run smoothly. I think friends and acquaintances have to give each other some leeway and just forgive each other. The friend hurt her wrist, but OP's heart was hurting (she was in a fairly serious depression by the sound of it). Depression is a fatal illness (I have had a couple of friends die from depression and suffer myself).

OP, I would do what some others on here have suggested and reply to say that unfortunately you were depressed at the time and that you were overwhelmed. Whatever you decide I wish you the best of luck and congratulate you on moving through your depression.

I would write back “Sorry to hear about your wrist. I’m sure I’d feel even guiltier if you were able to tell me anything significant that has happened to me in the last 18months. Friendship is not a one way street.”

Why does the message bother you?

You obviously don't care about her or the friendship.

Honestly, I'd reply.

I'm sorry you are struggling with your wrist. While you have been struggling with your wrist I have also had my own personal struggles. Our friendship was always very one-sided and while I was unwell I felt unable to give you my time or energy. I haven't contacted you during my illness but you haven't reached out either. I actually find your message a bit hypocritical and self centred. We all have our own struggles and I wish you well with yours. I respect your decision to end our friendship. In my mind it was already over.

@feelo your choice whether to reply. You could reply that she is right, you should have responded at the time but you were in a bad place yourself and then you let things drift, but, she could have said something sooner herself and you could have both moved on. You’re sorry about her wrist and hope it improves but agree this friendship has run its course and wish her well.

Depends really what you want the outcome to be. Saying nothing is also fine.

You don’t know that. It could be a complete coincidence.

(haven’t rtft)

This is a great post.

I’d also love to know whether she actually badly hurt her wrist? Or is just an attention seeker?

Not sure why you think OP is selfish when it appears she was expected to do all the running. OP had her own problems and friend didn’t t seem interested in her at all.

Okay so in hindsight you’re aware you could have text to ask if she was okay.

But OP, don’t think too much about it. You’re not a horrible person. A horrible person wouldn’t give a shit about how they made another feel.

I think she a drama queen. The only reason write that message is to create drama. Over the year nothing stoped her texting or sending a voice note.

Sorry again for standing you up. I really buggered up my wrist. How's everything with you?

She wants @feelo to do all the legwork. I had a friend exactly the same. I didn't message to arrange meeting up and didn't hear from them for several years. Friendship needs effort from both parties. Like any relationship sometimes one person picks up the slack and makes more effort but you can do nothing and be surprised, upset and accusatory when the other person does the same.

OP actually said it in her post. Friend told her about the wrist a year ago. No contact since then as OP had her own problems. OP hasn’t sat on the text calling her a horrible friend - she posted today because she got the text today.

Allow yourself to live rent free in her head forever by simply deleting the text and never thinking about her again. She wants a reply. Don’t give her one.

It sounds like you’re sorry that you didn’t respond. I would apologise. And also add that you were depressed at the time which affected your reactions to people, so if she wants to she can understand what happened a bit better. Telling her she had been a bad friend previously is probably unhelpful dredging up at this stage. You might have a bit more closure if you say sorry and give a bit of context.

Just leave it. The friendship is over anyway - you haven't seen her in over a year, you know you're not the person she's describing. Block her, don't feed the drama llama and get on with your life.

I have/had a friend who when we meet up spends the entire time wanging on about themselves and never asking me a single question to check how I am. It's so wearying that I can no longer be bothered to see them. And yes, I have pulled them up on it, but it makes no difference.

They also cancel a lot. If I'd received a text saying my friend fallen and hurt their wrist and needed to cancel, I'd have assumed it was an excuse. Not acknowledging it was a bit rubbish of OP, but considering her state of mind at the time, not entirely unforgivable. For the "friend" to then send a text a year later is laughable. Clearly she's missing having someone she can bore with stories about herself every time.

OP, normally I'd say take the high road, but in this instance I'd bite back and send a text saying: "Which bit of my no contact in the last year made you think we were still friends anyway?"

I think she a drama queen. The only reason write that message is to create drama. Over the year nothing stoped her texting or sending a voice note.

The friend sent a message. Said she hurt herself. Got no reply.
It was the Ops turn to respond.