Ex friend text to tell me what a horrible person I am

[feelo]

I met friend through work and we were good friends but the friendship did slowly drift and then lockdown happened and then I got a new job so it didn’t help and we spoke occasionally.

Last year I arranged to meet up with her and I asked so much about her, her upcoming wedding, new dog and she asked me nothing. Months later I asked if she wanted to meet for coffee and on the morning she cancelled because she’d fallen down the stairs and hurt her wrist.

In truth it was a really bad time in my life and I was really depressed and I just felt the friendship only existed because I put the effort in and I just didn’t respond. Which yes is 100% wrong of me and selfish but it wasn’t to be malicious.

A year goes by and today she text me (a reallllly long text) saying how horrible I am and her wrist is still messed up and I never checked in on her and that she hopes I never get injured and she doesn’t want a response to this, she just wants me to know our friendship is over.

I’ve just felt horrible since that message (sinking feeling) and I’d rather she came to me earlier and said what I did hurt her, rather than sit on for a year and blow up.

@feelo hope you’re ok.

fwiw, I don’t think you were to blame for this. You clearly had huge things going on in your own life (I’ve been there too, you WILL get through this) and rightly felt it was too much effort to yet again put in the hard yards for someone who’d blow you out again.

as you say, there was NOTHING stopping her rescheduling.

I had this with an ex friend. Covid. She was pretty ill and her family were being utterly selfish about it. I was there for her, checking in on her etc.

i got Covid a few months later… crickets 🦗 There were other instances where I saw her priorities were elsewhere, quick to want support and lean, absent whenever I might have appreciated some support

it mirrored the shit I went through with my own family, so I’ve backed right off. Especially after I got some very judgmental comments, that just sealed the deal and I’ve now given up looking for a close female friend. Superfish all the way from now on. 😆

how would you feel if you don’t answer? If that’s too bad for you to contemplate, then reply and text back with what you went through and be clear that it’s best if you leave it there and wish her well.

I think you should read all the OP's posts before accusing people of randomly adding stuff.

as you say, there was NOTHING stopping her rescheduling.

I certainly wouldn't be looking to reschedule with someone who didn't even acknowledge me cancelling the arrangement because I had fallen down the stairs and injured myself. Would you?

Yes, I know the OP had been suffering depression at the time but her (ex) friend didn't know this.

Why? The friendship is over and it’s honest. I’ve got a friend who ghosted me but I was ghosting her (after she came to my house, talked about herself and never once asked how I was - it was bizarre but the final straw). I’m kind of curious why she ghosted me but I probably wasn’t excited enough by her achievements. If she messaged me like this, I’d tell her exactly why. It’s not like the op is desperate to save the friendship and maybe seeing it from a different perspective with help the texting ex friend to understand.

Regardless of the rights and wrongs here, sending you a long ranting message haranguing you is just really unpleasant. Don’t give her any more headspace. Focus on your other friends.

So that OP was a one and done… and this OP is a one and done… Reported.

Sorry for people who genuinely spent time replying.

Absolutely true.
I too had a really horrible argument with my closest friend years ago that caused a load of trouble - she'd phoned my parents to say how selfish they were being!- I couldn't believe she had done that.

It caused so much trouble at the time- BUT we spoke about it -{no social media then} and have remained friends for decades.

She admitted overstepping , but she'd only done so as she was sick of me crying down the phone about not being invited to parents for Christmas {they were going overseas for Christmas with my half brothers}

If it's a true friendship it will weather storms - as long as both parties are honest and say how they feel.

She sounds like a lot of effort. If a friend of mine hadn't replied or made any contact for a long time, I'd either let it drift or if they were a close friend, I'd think that something was up and check-in on them.

Care and communication goes both ways!

My goodness.

I will report too. A reverse...or a bridge dweller fantasist?

🍪

Luckily someone has found @feelo 's past post.

Not ''depressed'' at all........

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4881246-to-have-told-my-friend-exactly-what-i-think-of-her

It depends how you want it to go really. Id be tempted by an 'ok, wow 'reply tbh and forgetting about her, but on the other hand, I'm not too proud to say sorry to someone and try and explain a little.
If I still cared, I might say 'Sue, I know you aren't expecting a reply, but I can only apologise that it appears that I ghosted you without explanation. I've actually been having quite a few struggles myself to deal with and keeping up with friends has slipped a lot in the last year. I never meant to upset you though, and I'm sorry to hear your wrist is still painful. Take care

The 'friend' was thoughtless and self-obsessed. And clearly spiteful

Don't see why it's all the OP's fault

I'd text her the phone works both ways and not once did she bother to text to see if you're alright.

Attention-seeking pest. I’d just ignore the text. Move on

I doubt the OP knew her ex-friend had a terrible injury that would still be troubling her a year later. Probably thought it was just a sprain and a bit of excuse not turn up..

She sounds like a narc.

🤣🤣🤣

OP please don't send a pass agg message like this!!
Honestly I think you have both been through tough times, not behaved the best towards each other as a result, and don't care enough about the friendship to resolve it. Best thing to do is move on. If you want to message her, apologise, give the context if you need but make it clear you're not making an excuse, and wish her the best for the future.

This!
another spiteful little madam who wants the last word.

She hasn't said anything that would suggest OP thought her friend was putting it on.

I daresay OP didn't think the injury would still be troubling her a year later but it would certainly be the height of rudeness in ordinary circumstances, imo, not to even acknowledge text message from a friend telling you they have to cancel because they've fallen down the stairs and have hurt themselves.

Obviously, OP has a reasonable excuse. But the friend doesn't know that. I don't agree with the friend contacting her in this way with her grievances a year after the fact. But I can certainly see why she would have been upset at the time.

It's not just that is it though:?

It's that PLUS what you said in your opening post that the last time you met she showed no interest in you whatsoever.

It sounds like the friendship was over at the point she cancelled on you because she'd been treating you in a way that you felt meant she wasn't a good friend.

What she says cuts both ways. You are as entitled to be pissed off and hurt that she didn't check in on you. If you had the police welfare checking on you, sounds like you were in a worse place than she was with an injured wrist.

My strong advice is DO NOT reply to her text because she has behaved badly to you . There is no need to send a nasty text like that - what's the point exactly? It's only purpose is obviously to upset you because she doesn't need to tell you the friendship is over.

If you don't reply, you retain some dignity and power because she will stew on it mentally forever - why didn' t she reply? which is a nice position for you to be in as she's been unpleasant.

@feelo severe depression is a ‘good’ reason to not respond!! I note that she didn’t follow up until a year later - your view that contact was always initiated by you was correct. If she felt it was unusual for you not to be in contact perhaps she should have thought ‘maybe something is wrong with Feelo - I should check in with her’. But she didn’t. What does that tell you? Has she run out of people and is reaching out to you now?

She cancelled a meeting because she hurt her wrist. That didn't stop her checking in especially if it was out of character for @feelo to not be in contact. If one of my friends suddenly stopped contact I'd care to message. Id check on them. I'd actually care to pop round if I didn't get a response. I wouldn't wait a year and then tell them why they are a wanker. Everyone has shit going on. The message writer has no concern about @feeloit's all about her.

Sounds like she is projecting. She needs an outlet, to vent, and unfortunately you were the target for that.

Bit confusing she wants you to know the friends has ended. I'd say it ended a year ago.

It wasn’t a horrible or selfish thing to do. Op was depressed and in a bad way at the time so answering texts wasn’t something she could do. Maybe the friend should have texted again asking if Op was okay.