Ex friend text to tell me what a horrible person I am

[feelo]

I met friend through work and we were good friends but the friendship did slowly drift and then lockdown happened and then I got a new job so it didn’t help and we spoke occasionally.

Last year I arranged to meet up with her and I asked so much about her, her upcoming wedding, new dog and she asked me nothing. Months later I asked if she wanted to meet for coffee and on the morning she cancelled because she’d fallen down the stairs and hurt her wrist.

In truth it was a really bad time in my life and I was really depressed and I just felt the friendship only existed because I put the effort in and I just didn’t respond. Which yes is 100% wrong of me and selfish but it wasn’t to be malicious.

A year goes by and today she text me (a reallllly long text) saying how horrible I am and her wrist is still messed up and I never checked in on her and that she hopes I never get injured and she doesn’t want a response to this, she just wants me to know our friendship is over.

I’ve just felt horrible since that message (sinking feeling) and I’d rather she came to me earlier and said what I did hurt her, rather than sit on for a year and blow up.

I would ignore the text too.
She's just a time wasting attention seeker throwing some bait at you so you'll bite back. Don't.

The OP was not having a great time either, did you actually read her post?

Block/delete.

Communication is two way, she hasn't checked on you.

She can fuck off

Send a pleasant text wishing her well and then invest no more time or energy on this ‘friendship’

I once had a (work) friend who was brilliant as long as it was about her. I thought we were actual friends. She needed a lot of support and I was happy to give it. Then, when I needed support because I went to a really dark place, she was never there unless she wanted to talk about herself and her issues.

One day when I was feeling particularly bad and angry at her for not being there, I went back over 6 months of our contact. In every form I had a log of. Not once did she contact me first, or ask me how I was or how I was getting on with things she knew I was dealing with. So I stopped. And months went by without any contact other than work related. Then one day she blocked me on everything and told a different friend I had really hurt her by being preoccupied with my own issues.

We still don't talk but what I did realise is that my life, particularly at work but also personally, became much easier when she wasn't there. She was in fact part of the reason I was so low, I just hadn't realised it. She couldn't bear it if I was friendly with anyone else. She had been telling other colleagues lies about me to isolate me from our team. She threw massive strops at me when I got promoted and then again when I was seconded elsewhere. She chipped away at my confidence in a very similar way to a controlling partner would.

You knew it wasn't even and you put up a boundary. You did what you needed to and she proved with that message she didn't care if you were ok, it was only about her. Move on and be confident you did right for yourself.

You could reply and tell her what you've told us - 'I'm sorry I didn't get back to you when you broke your wrist. I was severely depressed to the point where the police were checking on me that I was OK. I can see that not getting in touch was hurtful but I was in a really bad place. I hope that you are OK and will heal soon.' It wouldn't do any harm to leave things a bit more resolved for your own peace of mind (and hers) even if this really is the end of the friendship. It sounds like you just had too much going on. If you send her an honest message perhaps you'll feel better about moving on. If you want to continue the friendship you could always suggest you meet up for a coffee. Good luck xxxx

We're all flawed people. And we all have different focuses and challenges at different times.

There is no point pretending you're the perfect person and if only you were aware of x,y and z or x,y and z happened differently.

We all live individual lives. We can't be there for everyone all the time. And people we hope are there for us, will disappoint at precisely the wrong time.

That's called being human. That's called life.

Some of us have spouses we can rely on, because we're central in each other's lives in all matters. Some people have a sibling or parent or friend, who see their main role as always being there for you. No matter what!

But pretty much generally - all friendship relationships - it's pot luck. At best, we could only guarantee to be there for someone 40% of the time if they called us out of the blue - because we have children, partners, jobs, pets, don't feel well, a parent or close friend/relative has died/ divorced/ seriously injured/ facing financial woes.

And sometimes we're focussed on ourselves - getting fitter/ looking better/ romatic interest/ employment opportunity/ new hobby.

So set realistic expectations. Be honest. We all get caught up in events happening aorund us.

Your friend is angry. Just apologise for not being there when she needed you. But life was happening for you too.

Life happens. Friends are there for a reason or a season. And usually a bit of both.

And hint. Life isn't going so well for her. Or she wouldn't be looking for someone to vent her anger on. So only approach with caution and kindness - or be the fall guy she can vent at. But always set (at least mentally) boundaries in friendships.

No apology, tell her she's a stupid shit bag, and you're pleased the relationship is over.

Do not reply to any response, block her from all shared media.

I’d either send one of them pasted fake messages saying it’s not been delivered, or I’d tell her in no uncertain terms why she’s actually the crap friend round here, and make her feel worse then she tried to make you feel. Then block her the weird cow.

I'm sorry @feelo that your friend didn't think maybe, just maybe something could be going on with you to not respond or check in with her and her time of need when you had issues yourself. I hope you find comfort in the all the positive responses and know that you need to be pro active with looking after yourself, mentally, physically and emotionally 🌸

If you feel you have to answer keep if brief. Thank her for her message then go on to explain that you've had a lot on & haven't felt able to support anyone in the last year or so. Explain that a friendship work two ways & you feel the fact she hasn't checked in on you says a lot of how she feels about your friendship. Say how she hasn't considered what you might be going through & by not messaging you she has done pretty much what you've done to her. Confirm that you agree the friendship has run its course & wish her well in her future.

I feel like I could be your friend (i’m not!).

honestly, i think you need to take a look through a different lens.

you’re asking her to care about your circumstances but you didn’t do the same?

i have a friend who suffers from depression like you, and she doesn’t see it - but it makes her incredibly selfish. And I understand that is the nature of depression - its not intentional.

how you felt/feel is painful but the reality is, other people are allowed to be similarly focused on themselves.

i think, if i wanted to regain the friendship. i would probably accept that i had done wrong by her and apologise. If offered an opportunity to explain, i would take it so that maybe, next time; you can both approach things differently.

She's a twat. Delete the text and forget it

You have completely overlooked that the OP felt that the friendship only existed because she kept it going and that the last time they met up they only talked about the friend’s life.

Mass generalisations about depression aren’t helpful.

You have 2 options really…

1. Don’t respond and just block her.
2. Send a brief message just saying ‘I’m sorry you are still suffering & sorry you feel that way about me, I was having my own issues last year and while I except not responding was wrong, it wasn’t malicious, I just needed to put myself first and concentrate on getting better, then the longer that passed it became harder to message you knowing I hadn’t….. sorry I hurt you, it was careless but not intentional. Take care.

Then I’d possibly block before anything else horrible gets sent to you… sometimes we have to be selfish and put ourselves first… it doesn’t sound like this friendship will be of any benefit to you moving forward… put it in your fuck it bucket and enjoy the relationships you have x