Ex friend text to tell me what a horrible person I am

[feelo]

I met friend through work and we were good friends but the friendship did slowly drift and then lockdown happened and then I got a new job so it didn’t help and we spoke occasionally.

Last year I arranged to meet up with her and I asked so much about her, her upcoming wedding, new dog and she asked me nothing. Months later I asked if she wanted to meet for coffee and on the morning she cancelled because she’d fallen down the stairs and hurt her wrist.

In truth it was a really bad time in my life and I was really depressed and I just felt the friendship only existed because I put the effort in and I just didn’t respond. Which yes is 100% wrong of me and selfish but it wasn’t to be malicious.

A year goes by and today she text me (a reallllly long text) saying how horrible I am and her wrist is still messed up and I never checked in on her and that she hopes I never get injured and she doesn’t want a response to this, she just wants me to know our friendship is over.

I’ve just felt horrible since that message (sinking feeling) and I’d rather she came to me earlier and said what I did hurt her, rather than sit on for a year and blow up.

It’s entirely possible that this happened to 2 separate friends rather than being the reverse of the linked thread. I know it sounds very similar.

Don't send that!

wow - that's a good spot! I can't believe the pasting the woman with the broken wrist is getting on the other thread

Well, she didn’t check on you either, did she? For a year. I don’t think you have much to apologise for.

😂

There are certain people I’ve met in my life, especially those through work who sometimes I chose to remain friends and sometimes I don’t.

I’ve suffered a few times with depression like you, and I don’t see why you should have to explain yourself until or when you feel comfortable about it.

I don’t necessarily feel she was unreasonable in her mind because she felt ignored by you and she has no idea of your depression. But her reaction to you is OTT and unnecessarily cruel, she didn’t have to say that.

I had a “friend” from work after she’d spent ages ringing me about her post natal depression then criticise me personally for something I’d done. Almost like a dig. I was angry with her and realised I didn’t want someone who “took” but didn’t give much back in return in my life.

I pick people to be friends who I like and enjoy spending time with and who make me feel good, supported, cared about. Not ones who bring me down.

I’d leave her to it and let the friendship die its death. You’ve done nothing wrong though.

She said she doesn’t want a response. Ignore her. She’ll feel worse than you as she’s the one who’s left a nasty message in the air. Silence is powerful. Good riddance.

I also realised during lockdown that some of my friendships only existed because I was fuelling them. I stopped and focused on people who made effort.

Yes it would have been polite to message back and say hope she's feeling better etc but equally she could have messaged you again and checked you were okay. This was not typical behaviour for you and she didn't bother to see if you were ok. She didn't realise you were struggling with your mh and you didn't realise her wrist injury was significant.

Have you responded?

Options are you can block her and move on. You don't bring anything to each others lives so you don't have to get into this.

Or you can message and apologise for not messaging, explain that you were struggling with your mental health and you retreated to protect yourself and that you felt she hadn't made effort in the friendship for a long time. I'd say sorry to hear she is still struggling and that you hope she feels better soon.

I wouldn't advise trying to revive the friendship as there's a lot of water under the bridge now.

But no you aren't the bad guy here. If your friend had made more effort in the relationship you wouldn't have had the response you had and that response came from a place of suffering. Equally you didn't know she was still struggling because she never got in touch to let you know.

Your friend texted to cancel because she'd fallen down the stairs and you didn't reply, thats horrible.

She sounds like hard work too though so I'd probably just leave it, shesvright the friendships over.

Is it the same woman?! It was last year though.

What are the chances of this happening? Threads/posts aligning.

There was one ex friend/acquaintance story though which I posted about here and in one way hoped the person it was about would see it here. If they did then I’m more than pleased!

She didn’t text back to check on you, to see why you didn’t respond. She’s the cow. It was all about her. Ignore her.

Ignore and block

Agree, in a text, that she is right that you were self absorbed at the time of the wrist incident and tell her why and that she is also right in that your friendship has run it's course. Wish her well; wish her wrist a full recovery and herself a nice life with many new friends.
That way, you can sleep and if you meet in the street or end up working together again you can start afresh ... or not.

But if you read her original post, she got another text today, which prompted her to create this thread.

Have you just been on a spa weekend Op? Was that your friend who started a thread last year?

I would just completely ignore it and try not to give her any headspace at all. She didn't ask at the time if you were ok or why you didn't reply.
You don't owe her an apology or any explanation, especially after a year.

You didn’t think she was a good enough friend to reply to in the first instance, as she’d let you down by not being interested in you previously, and you haven’t worried about the loss of friendship this past year. You are only upset now because you feel guilty for nor responding and mad that she’s blamed you. But she’s not a mind reader. She’s also allowed to be upset that you didn’t contact her after saying she’d hurt her wrist. And it’s not surprising she didn’t contact you to rearrange after being ignored.

It’s ok that you are both hurt. You both have grounds to be hurt.

You can either accept that she’s not a good friend and let it drift, or you can respond to her hurt text and explain why you didn’t respond. It might mean you resume your friendship and become even closer if you both expose your vulnerabilities.

Do you want to try to salvage or not bother?

You had your reasons, but I think I'd be hurt if I told a friend I'd injured myself and they didn't acknowledge the message. It sounds as if you didn't want to continue the friendship anyway, so I wouldn't do anything to try and revive it now. Maybe send a message saying you're sorry, you were going through a bad time and wish her well. Then block her to be sure there's no further contact.

You did what you did. If after a year she brings this to you is because she is holding a big resentment towards you.
You have different choices, two of them are, ignore as she only knows her side of the story or tell her the same you had told us (see if with the true she find some peace and you as well find and end to your actual felling).
If I were you I would be inclined to ignore. I don't think an apology and clarification will do any difference after a year and I wouldn't want to open that door to any discussion.
Yes, it had would be nice if you follow her recovery, but you weren't capable to follow your normal daily life so I think you can forget about it.

I just wish she’d said earlier and approached it differently. I have no issue with her calling it out but I think it would have been a better outcome/closure for us both if she’d just said what I did hurt her and allowed me the chance to explain.

I think you're being a bit disingenuous here. It's entirely predictable that a person would be hurt by someone they considered a friend not even acknowledging a message cancelling their planned get together because she's fallen down the stairs and hurt herself. I would be hurt by that. I think 99% of people would be and for you to claim you had no idea she would be upset doesn't ring true for me.

Her calling it out a year after the fact isn't on, of course. She had no idea of your circumstances and I wouldn't dwell on it too much if you've been doing well since then.

Of course, if the linked post above IS about you, none of what I've said above applies.

I don’t get it…. You did something crappy … not replying about wrist and then she did something crappy.. send a text after a year and you are focusing on her behaviour and not seeing that it is directly related to yours. Feels like a double standard. You are allowed to behave badly because of low mood but she is not allowed to behave badly…sounds like she cared about you and you have lost a friend because you put your hurt before hers… you could try and explain maybe

I would send the following:

”Thank you for being honest with me about how you feel. I probably should have been as open with you last year. In truth I had felt the friendship was over before your accident, as I felt had been doing all the running for some time. I was struggling with depression and needed a friend, so the cancelled visit (through no fault of yours) sent me to a bad place, hence the lack of reply. I am genuinely sorry to hear that it was a bad break, and wish you a full recovery.

@Padfootnprongs I think that's a really good message.

I'd leave it, you're in a much better place now and it sounded a one sided friendship anyway. I'm really pleased you're feeling better, depression is dreadful, now look forward not back x

There as clearly a reason you didn’t reply about her wrist. Probably because if her selfish behaviour when you last met. I’d ditch the friendship and move on..,