Ex friend text to tell me what a horrible person I am

feelo · 2024-04-27T22:05:13+00:00

I met friend through work and we were good friends but the friendship did slowly drift and then lockdown happened and then I got a new job so it didn’t help and we spoke occasionally. Last year I arranged to meet up with her and I asked so much about her, her upcoming wedding, new dog and she asked me nothing. Months later I asked if she wanted to meet for coffee and on the morning she cancelled because she’d fallen down the stairs and hurt her wrist. In truth it was a really bad time in my life and I was really depressed and I just felt the friendship only existed because I put the effort in and I just didn’t respond. Which yes is 100% wrong of me and selfish but it wasn’t to be malicious. A year goes by and today she text me (a reallllly long text) saying how horrible I am and her wrist is still messed up and I never checked in on her and that she hopes I never get injured and she doesn’t want a response to this, she just wants me to know our friendship is over. I’ve just felt horrible since that message (sinking feeling) and I’d rather she came to me earlier and said what I did hurt her, rather than sit on for a year and blow up.

determinedtomakethiswork · 27/04/2024 23:08

She sounds insane! She's really been chewing on that for a year?

Ginkypig · 27/04/2024 23:09

She’s looking for a reaction so unless you want to keep the friendship going don’t respond.

my feeling is nothing you say from your own perspective will make any difference because she doesn’t want to hear it, she wants you to acknowledge how bad you’ve been to her and grovel for forgiveness.

if she did want to hear things from your perspective she would have at least asked why to check if there was a reason why you treated her so (in her opinion) poorly

Tutifruitie · 27/04/2024 23:09

Tell her as you’ve told us you were depressed.

Ssssssssh · 27/04/2024 23:10

I would ignore it.

exomoon · 27/04/2024 23:10

She’s a limp wristed twat, ignore her!

TwattyMcFuckFace · 27/04/2024 23:13

Well it was a horrible thing to do and you admit you were selfish.

Not sure why it took her a year to get it off her chest though.

WigglyVonWaggly · 27/04/2024 23:15

You can ignore it, or you may wish to reply but either way she’s been pretty self absorbed. Why didn’t she message to check you were ok after suddenly not hearing from you?

Tell her you’re sorry but you had major issues going on in your life - that were more significant than her wrist - and you’d have told her about them if you’d met. Then agree that perhaps your friendship has run its course and reminder her that the last time you did meet, she took virtually no interest in you.

Guavafish1 · 27/04/2024 23:18

You should have messaged her about the wrist.

Seems like she is emotional dumping on you and you should in truth tell her how you feel. It will give you some closure.

exomoon · 27/04/2024 23:21

TwattyMcFuckFace · 27/04/2024 23:13

Well it was a horrible thing to do and you admit you were selfish.

Not sure why it took her a year to get it off her chest though.

How was OP horrible and selfish?

The other woman never contacted OP, she expected OP to do all the running.

Allthegoodnamesaregone1 · 27/04/2024 23:24

You were not horrible at all.
It doesn't sound like you were even friends.
Just aquentences.

I'd honestly send back

👍🏻

And then block her.

UnNiddeRides · 27/04/2024 23:24

If you’ve had no contact with each other for a year then I’d just ignore her message as she’s not someone that you’ll miss.

bloodyeffinnora · 27/04/2024 23:25

she's all me me me, just ignore her

meganorks · 27/04/2024 23:27

It's a bit weird not to respond in some way if someone says they can't meet because they injured themselves. But it sounds like you just didn't really care as you had had enough of the relationship.

At this stage you only options are forgot about it and not respond. Or tell the truth about why you didn't. There's no point feeling bad about it. Or making a grovelling apology. What if you accidentally ended up back in a 1 sided friendship you don't want?!

anon4net · 27/04/2024 23:34

I would either ignore it or send a nice message saying you are sorry she's struggled and respect her decision and of course wish her well. I wouldn't explain, I would simply wish her well in the world.

I have a friend who did similar to me b/c I didn't comment on her woes about her marriage. While she was angry about my not responding, I was in hospital for months (most of a year) with my new baby who was born expected to be palliative and survived against all odds and many many operations. I wasn't on Facebook chatting to anyone for obvious reasons. Any time I wasn't with the baby (maybe 2-3 hrs a week) I was visiting with my other children whose whole lives were thrown into turmoil as Mummy was suddenly gone.

If I haven't heard from someone I always assume something is up, whether it's really massive more overt things like what we went through with the baby, or it's more hidden things (mental health). I've learned to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. You just never know.

BoredAuditor · 27/04/2024 23:37

WigglyVonWaggly · 27/04/2024 23:15

You can ignore it, or you may wish to reply but either way she’s been pretty self absorbed. Why didn’t she message to check you were ok after suddenly not hearing from you?

Tell her you’re sorry but you had major issues going on in your life - that were more significant than her wrist - and you’d have told her about them if you’d met. Then agree that perhaps your friendship has run its course and reminder her that the last time you did meet, she took virtually no interest in you.

Agree completely

TwattyMcFuckFace · 27/04/2024 23:37

exomoon · 27/04/2024 23:21

How was OP horrible and selfish?

The other woman never contacted OP, she expected OP to do all the running.

Show quote history

He friend fell down the stairs and she didn't reply to her text.

That bit?

Original poster

feelo · 27/04/2024 23:40

meganorks · 27/04/2024 23:27

It's a bit weird not to respond in some way if someone says they can't meet because they injured themselves. But it sounds like you just didn't really care as you had had enough of the relationship.

At this stage you only options are forgot about it and not respond. Or tell the truth about why you didn't. There's no point feeling bad about it. Or making a grovelling apology. What if you accidentally ended up back in a 1 sided friendship you don't want?!

I can’t really explain it, I think I was just so looking forward to having a reason to get out of bed and when she cancelled I just felt .. sad? Deflated? That I just in that moment didn’t respond. Then it got to the point where too much time had gone.

It’s no excuse but I was severely depressed, to the point the police had done a welfare check on me that Friday where I’d lied for a good 20 minutes telling them I was fine and I was seeing her on the Sunday. I think sometimes with depression you can’t think outside that horrendous bubble.

Obviously she had no idea about this. And over this last year I’ve just focused on me and putting energy into people that also put in effort. And thankfully I’m in such a better place.

I just wish she’d said earlier and approached it differently. I have no issue with her calling it out but I think it would have been a better outcome/closure for us both if she’d just said what I did hurt her and allowed me the chance to explain.

OP posts:

exomoon · 27/04/2024 23:47

feelo · 27/04/2024 23:40

I can’t really explain it, I think I was just so looking forward to having a reason to get out of bed and when she cancelled I just felt .. sad? Deflated? That I just in that moment didn’t respond. Then it got to the point where too much time had gone.

It’s no excuse but I was severely depressed, to the point the police had done a welfare check on me that Friday where I’d lied for a good 20 minutes telling them I was fine and I was seeing her on the Sunday. I think sometimes with depression you can’t think outside that horrendous bubble.

Obviously she had no idea about this. And over this last year I’ve just focused on me and putting energy into people that also put in effort. And thankfully I’m in such a better place.

I just wish she’d said earlier and approached it differently. I have no issue with her calling it out but I think it would have been a better outcome/closure for us both if she’d just said what I did hurt her and allowed me the chance to explain.

Show quote history

It’s not an excuse but it’s a perfectly valid reason.

She was not a good friend and you instinctively you knew that and ignored her.

If you want to text her back you could say ‘Maybe if you ever bothered to ask me how I was you would know that I was going through a bad time.’

But otherwise I would just consider it good riddance to bad rubbish and block and delete her.

exomoon · 27/04/2024 23:49

TwattyMcFuckFace · 27/04/2024 23:37

He friend fell down the stairs and she didn't reply to her text.

That bit?

Show quote history

Sounds like OP showed her the consideration she deserved.

therubbleoroursins · 27/04/2024 23:51

I think you both had things going on at the same time, and you both wanted and needed the other person to step up. But neither of you communicated that, so perhaps your friendship wasn't as strong as either of you thought, which hurts.

If you were ever really friends rather than "work friends", I think you should apologise and also explain.

Ball is then in her court to decide if she agrees you both weren't there for each other for good reasons and that it's worth you both putting in the effort to rekindle a friendship. Sometimes a blow-up in a friendship isn't a bad thing if it helps you clear the air.

I had a horrible fight with my bestie many decades ago. Emphasis on the decades. If we hadn't both admitted how hurt we were and why, we wouldn't be this close this many years on. I don't regret that fight at all as it brought us closer together in the end.

If a friend of mine hadn't checked on me after I'd had an accident, I would feel hurt. I would stew. But if that friend told me she had been fighting depression at the time and hadn't had the mental headspace to reach out, I would completely understand and my hurt and anger would shift into compassion in a heartbeat.

Even those of us who sulk do forgive. If we know why we should forgive.

FriendlyNeighbourhoodAccountant · 27/04/2024 23:52

I swear we had this story from the other person's point of view last year!

Original poster

feelo · 27/04/2024 23:53

TwattyMcFuckFace · 27/04/2024 23:37

He friend fell down the stairs and she didn't reply to her text.

That bit?

Show quote history

Yeah it was a selfish act during a time I could only focus on what I was going through. I’m human and I don’t always act perfect and get things right but I’ve learnt from that mistake and wouldn’t repeat it.

I just think her approach wasn’t right and since lockdown she hadn’t given me the impression that she was that bothered about our friendship. Even in the message she sent she’d said if I had rearranged she would have gone. Like I don’t really understand why there was the assumption I should be the one to rearrange.

OP posts:

TeenLifeMum · 27/04/2024 23:53

I’d reply, I’m really sorry to hear that. I’d been having a really tough time but you wouldn’t know because you’ve never asked how I am once, which was why I decided the friendship was one sided and didn’t have the energy to reply. I don’t think it’s fair to be upset when you’ve shown little interest in how I am since we worked together. I guess we’ve just drifted, which is a shame.

meganorks · 27/04/2024 23:59

feelo · 27/04/2024 23:40

I can’t really explain it, I think I was just so looking forward to having a reason to get out of bed and when she cancelled I just felt .. sad? Deflated? That I just in that moment didn’t respond. Then it got to the point where too much time had gone.

It’s no excuse but I was severely depressed, to the point the police had done a welfare check on me that Friday where I’d lied for a good 20 minutes telling them I was fine and I was seeing her on the Sunday. I think sometimes with depression you can’t think outside that horrendous bubble.

Obviously she had no idea about this. And over this last year I’ve just focused on me and putting energy into people that also put in effort. And thankfully I’m in such a better place.

I just wish she’d said earlier and approached it differently. I have no issue with her calling it out but I think it would have been a better outcome/closure for us both if she’d just said what I did hurt her and allowed me the chance to explain.

Show quote history

Well you could try and explain that to her. Or you could leave it. It's up to you. You don't have to feel bad about it. But at this stage if there is going to be any contact, it might also well be honest.

But if she's only contacting you now about it, I'd be willing to bet she has something else going on that is bothering her. As you say, why now? The danger of that of course is that you resolve things only for her to go back to using you as someone to offload on.

CulturalNomad · 28/04/2024 00:01

Not all friendships were meant to last and it sounds like you two had drifted apart long before the wrist "incident".

It's ridiculous that she's dredging this up after you two haven't had any contact for a year. I can't see any point in replying to her since it doesn't sound like either one of you is interested in reviving this relationship.

I'd just block her and forget the whole thing. She hasn't been in your life for a year; just let it go. She sounds like a drama queen.