Partner threw table and chair

[helpmepleaseidontknowwhattodo]

Please help. In the context of an argument all morning about how my partner doesn't help as much as I need around the house and how I feel like I'm drowning, he has just picked up a dining chair and thrown it across the room and tipped the dining table over breaking my stuff and terrifying our small child. He's upstairs telling me to go away and leave him alone and it's my fault because I "kept going on at him".

Was this my fault? I'll admit I've been emotional and stressed lately and picking up on a lot of stuff he's not doing that I need his support with, did I drive him to this?? I don't know what to do I'm so scared

When he picked up the chair I thought it was coming towards me. He hasn't done anything like this before. It came out of the blue. I don't know what to do

It’s domestic violence. You need to end the relationship. I’m so sorry OP. You didn’t cause this and any decent balanced person would have heard your concerns and reacted like an adult.

Can you kick him out? Leave this relationship .

And for clarity, it was absolutely NOT your fault your partner decided to throw a chair - he did this - not a rationale response. Not your fault.

Our 3 year old has been crying saying "daddy needs to say sorry to mummy" 😢😢 my heart is breaking for her

No this is absolutely not your fault. There is never an excuse for violence towards you or your child. This is domestic violence.

You need to separate from him urgently, but in the short term focus on keeping you and your child safe. Where is he now? Can you go somewhere for a short time just to regroup and gather your thoughts?

It's not your fault he threw a table. Violently throwing a large piece of furniture is never a valid response, no matter how angry he was feeling. It's not your fault he can't control his own behaviour.

Do you have somewhere else you and your child could go for a few hours? Even just out to the park and a café or something like that, to give you some breathing space?

For now i would take your child and go out for the day. Let things calm down. Do you have a relative or friend you can go to for today? Longer term there needs to be a serious conversation but for me that would be it. Over. To do that in front of your child would be the end for me. Im sorry but ive been there. It doesnt get better.

You will now be frightened of a similar reaction every time you say something he doesn't want to hear.
There's no going back from that.

I feel physically sick and can't stop shaking. I keep telling my toddler daddy did a naughty thing and he's sorry. I don't what else I can say, I'm just cuddling her. He's upstairs. I want to leave but I think I'm in shock. I'm can't stop shaking and crying

We were engaged too, he's just told me he doesn't want to marry me anymore

Call the police.

What is your housing/financial situation?

Hi. I’ve been there. Small child too.

I’m sorry.

You have two options now:

1. Be mad for a bit, let him apologise and grovel, pretend everything is sorted and then wait on eggshells for a month/year/decade until he does it again and it’s worse and it’s harder to leave as your daughter is in school or whatever. Become a shell of yourself over this time period.
2. Realise that actually even though it’s HARD AS FUCK your aren’t going to make this acceptable. Tell people what happened. Be honest with yourself about all the little things that have led to this moment in his treatment of you. Leave him today, and mean it. Don’t go back. Don’t minimise. Accept the next year won’t be what you’d thought it would be but do it anyway. I am telling you with the most honesty I can that the younger your daughter is when you leave; the less damage will be done long term. My son is 4 now and I’m so glad I’m not having to leave his dad now when he can remember things better than when he was two.

You can do it. But you have to know these are your choices.

Now: Call the police
Later today: can you go to a place of safety?
Monday: call Women's Aid.

He has crossed a line. If you don't leave now, it will only get worse. You don't want that for yourself or your child.

He just blamed his violence on you. I don't know if you could find a way back from this if he was begging forgiveness and willing to go to therapy for anger issues, but there's just no way this is fixable when his immediate response is to blame you. Has he blamed other things on you before this?

Yes he has

The worst part is a was so scared when he picked up the table I've actually wet myself 😢

I feel so embarrassed and just worthless

Leave. Now.

Have you got somewhere you can go? Parents? Siblings? Friends?

It’s not you, it’s him.

But you now need to do something for your safety but more importantly your DD. Log this with the police.

Do you have family/friends nearby

Women are not responsible for male violence, it's never ok for him to do this and blame you. Honestly, leave, it never gets better. I've been there.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You seriously need to get out of this negative relationship, not just for you, but your DD too. It seems like he's wore you into the ground and you appear to have lost yourself. Anyone who sees violence as an answer won't stop, it won't be the last time. Please think of your daughter. Hugs 🌹

@helpmepleaseidontknowwhattodo this is awful for you and I’m so sorry. Wetting yourself when terrified and shocked is nothing to feel ashamed of. He, a grown adult, chose to throw the furniture. The only consolation here is you have seen the light and when you have calmed down you will know this is on him. I’m sure lots on here will say thank goodness you are not married … please try to see that YOU are worth more and don’t need to be with this person. Save yourself for someone who will cherish you and treat you right, for whom you can do the same. Your daughter deserves a better role model.

Even if OP has 'nagged relentlessly' there is zero justification for getting violent and throwing furniture.