Partner threw table and chair

[helpmepleaseidontknowwhattodo]

Please help. In the context of an argument all morning about how my partner doesn't help as much as I need around the house and how I feel like I'm drowning, he has just picked up a dining chair and thrown it across the room and tipped the dining table over breaking my stuff and terrifying our small child. He's upstairs telling me to go away and leave him alone and it's my fault because I "kept going on at him".

Was this my fault? I'll admit I've been emotional and stressed lately and picking up on a lot of stuff he's not doing that I need his support with, did I drive him to this?? I don't know what to do I'm so scared

This is no way to live, and no environment for your DD to grow up in. Next time the table could hit her.

It's not your fault. These men always claim women drive them to do it. They say it enough times and it sticks, you start blaming yourself. You are not to blame. But for the sake of your daughter, please get out now.

Is there somewhere you can go with DD? Like a parent?

He wants you to feel embarrassed and worthless because he wants you to be scared of him and scared of asking him to do anything he doesn’t want to do. He wants you to appreciate that asking him (not unreasonably) to do his fair share of the chores will result in him doing something that will terrify you and your little girl. So you’ll shut up, live in fear, and do everything yourself.

This is domestic violence in its purest and simplest format. Your first priority is to tell the police. You need to not be afraid in your own home. The police attend hundreds of cases like this every day. You are not alone and they will be able to help and support you. It is important you get out of this relationship asap. Sending strength.

He’s crossed a line OP.
You must get yourself and DD to somewhere safe. Can you stay with your friend tonight?
Call the police and womens aid.
Please don’t go home.
I was warned it would get worse when it happened to me, it did and DD and I left.
Wish I’d left sooner.
Sending hugs and strength- life will get better.

I'm so sorry my love. None of this is your fault. Both you and your little DD deserve happiness in your lives and you won't get that if you stay with this man. It's a blessing you're not married, it will make getting away less hard. Please do leave, for her sake and yours.

It's domestic violence. That's it. You cannot go back to how it was before. Take today to get the shock out of your system. Then plan how you leave. Can you go to a family member or friend for a few days?

His behaviour is abusive and the fact he has exposed your child to this means he’s abused her too. Neither of you are to blame for his inability to regulate himself. If you were frightened enough to urinate what kind of impact do you think that would have psychologically on a child? You need an exit plan. Do you want him to leave? If so have you got a home you can secure and someone (preferably male) you can ask to return to the house with you to ask him to get out. Do you want to leave? If so I’d again recommend returning home to collect essentials and important stuff (passports etc) with someone to support you so you can your dd can stay somewhere else? Once you’re out I’d recommend doing the freedom programme to learn more about abuse to help to protect yourself in the future.

That coat of shame is his, not yours OP.

Don't pick it up and put it on.

He is the one who was violent to his partner and little girl.

Strongly recommend you press charges, it may be that somebody needs to talk to your daughter to confirm she witnessed this. It’s hideous I know but if you don’t then it’s going to be difficult to have the courts take this seriously if you find yourself discussing a child arrangements order. I didn’t want to press charges when it happened to me because I hoped things would settle down once we split up, as a result it all got brushed under the carpet, shit escalated anyway,m but in different ways and I was just left not being believed.
poor you, hang in there and just start by calling the police

Is this the first time he's been abusive? My ex started shouting. He then started throwing small things. Then eventually the was hitting me and throwing stuff at me.

Your child shouldn't be subjected to his violence. You need to leave.

It's not your fault that he can't control himself. You didn't do anything wrong. This relationship is done. You want everything feel safe to tell him anything your unhappy with. You'll be walking on eggshell.

OP this man is a pig.
please get off your phone and start packing wither yours or his stuff up, because there is no way for your daughter’s safety you should be spending another night under the same roof.

It's good to hear that both you and your daughter are in a safe place.

Please contact the police and tell them what happened and that you're afraid to go home.

He might have never been violent before but at some point every domestic abuser who uses violence hasn't been violent before at some point;there's always that first instance.

It's the same story;they gaslight their victims,you started it,it's your fault,you caused it,you provoked me........

Ask yourself if at work if his boss pulled him up on not pulling his weight would he throw a chair and tip the table over?;I bet he wouldn't.

His intention was to scare you,to intimidate you,to get you to shut up,to learn your lesson and know your place.

The violence will nearly always happen again but next time you or your child could be hurt.

Has he been violent before and you've discounted it?;throwing smaller items?,hitting or kicking things eg furniture,doors etc,shoving you out of the way or barging into you?

What's worse is he did this in front of your child.

Please call the police,tell them what happened,tell them it was in front of your daughter,tell them he won't leave and your scared,tell them you thought he was going to hit you with the chair.They can help you,

It's better to be single than with a man like this.

Sending you 🫂

"you made me do it" is a form of gaslighting. take the advice on here and keep yourself and your child safe

@helpmepleaseidontknowwhattodo - did you talk to the police? What does your friend think? You really, really, need to report this. Your Partner will do this again, no question and you aren't safe with him. Next time you ( or your daughter) could be injured - or worse

Are you able to go to your parents' house? I think you need to call the police actually and they need to get him out of the house for a while.

You are in the right to expect support from your partner. He can’t give it to you and is violent and threatening. He scared you and he scared your child. Any of these alone is an extremely good reason to leave. The violence means you must leave. Please leave him. You will rediscover your worth without him.

This is abusive. End of. Contact the police and make plans to leave and end the relationship. Put your child and your safety first.

Calm the police OP. This needs to be recorded. This isn't going to get better. You can do this Op.

Just another person here saying this is NOT your fault. You poor thing and your poor DD. You absolutely must get this logged with police.
Please be prepared for them to take it to Children's' services as there is a safeguarding concern here. Be open with them and accept their help, they need to know that your child won't be in danger. You certainly won't be the first woman they hear this story from.

Male violence is dangerous, corrosive and frightening but it is a male problem and not your fault.

Please please call the police now. It might happen again, and if you don't get things documented, it would always be your words against his. Get the incident recorded, for yourself and your child.

Oh poor you op, this isn't your fault at all. This is entirely on him. What a horrible man blaming you for his actions. Can you go to your parents or the friend who has your dd?

@helpmepleaseidontknowwhattodo - for a start, don’t marry him. The fact you wet yourself is just evidence of how terrifying it was in the moment. Voiding itself is the body’s response to very strong fear. Nothing for you to be ashamed of. Huge amounts for him to be ashamed of.

One of many great things I have learnt from MN is that women talk about asking for “help” with parenting/housework etc as if the default is that women do these things and men don’t. These things are as much his job as yours. It’s not his help you need - you need him to pull his weight.

This man sounds very abusive. Do you have family you can go to for now?

You need to leave him, he could seriously hurt you or your child.

He's not taken any responsibility for his behaviour which is abhorrent.

You asked him to do some housework and he responded with violence; how is that in any way acceptable??

Do you jointly own or rent the property? Can you move out easily?

Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry to hear this. This was not your fault. You did not cause it and you can't control his feelings. You have nothing to feel embarrassed about.

He's abusive. Can you leave him?