Partner threw table and chair

[helpmepleaseidontknowwhattodo]

Please help. In the context of an argument all morning about how my partner doesn't help as much as I need around the house and how I feel like I'm drowning, he has just picked up a dining chair and thrown it across the room and tipped the dining table over breaking my stuff and terrifying our small child. He's upstairs telling me to go away and leave him alone and it's my fault because I "kept going on at him".

Was this my fault? I'll admit I've been emotional and stressed lately and picking up on a lot of stuff he's not doing that I need his support with, did I drive him to this?? I don't know what to do I'm so scared

OP, you know this is absolutely not a safe relationship for you to be in and definitely not for your dd to witness. Even she knows that that is not how you treat a partner.

Your OH isn't going to get any better if he's done this before and has shown no remorse.

You and your dd can be so, so happy without this bully. He or you may find all sorts of reasons to stay, but he needs to learn how not to treat you or any other person in his life, like this.

I hope you and your dd can get away from this person soon, and be happy.

Please realise how serious this is. Put your DD first and end this relationship. He is a danger both to you and your child.

I would call the police. I don’t know how they handle cases where the perpetrator has acted violently but not injured a person, but I would hope their intervention would be supportive. He needs to hear that what he did was not ok.

Some great advice on here, I can't add anything but didn't want to read and run. So sorry this is happening to you OP and hope you can find safety for you and your child, sending my best wishes xx

What's that got to do with anything? Go for a fucking walk if you're stressed, don't launch a table across the room in front of your child.

I work with male offenders and I have to correct this is a massive over simplification and not reflected in the evidence base. Many perpetrators are absolutely crippled by shame and emotional dysregulation. That in no way excuses what he did, or changes the advice about needing to end the relationship.

If you accept this behaviour and try to move on with him, then the likelihood is that it will happen again. Take it from someone who has been there, once the line is crossed, there is no going back as he will have learnt that he can do it and you still stay. There is no justification for his behaviour, it doesn't matter if you were getting at him when he wanted you to stop. He could have removed himself from the situation if he had wanted to. Do you and your child deserve to live like this ? You have the power to make this decision and remember that it will impact your child seeing this type of behaviour.

Hope you're doing ok OP, lean into that lovely friend that you have who's looking after your daughter. I know it must be so alarming and stressful to see all these posts saying call the police etc when I'm sure you're just feeling numb and in shock. It feels like you're walking through glue doesn't it? While they are right that the police should be involved, look after yourself too. I'm so sorry this has happened to you, thinking of you

Because asking an abused woman if she was nagging enough to justify the abuse is a disgusting thing to say to someone incredibly vulnerable and not appropriate in any way shape or form? HTH.

My love, the shame is not yours. Yes, you felt it, but it is part of the control mechanism. Do not give in to it. You are not the one at fault here. Do not carry his shame for him.

The most important thing is to be strong and adult for your child. That means accepting that this violence will not stop, it will only get worse.

Because it's victim blaming teabooks, whatever OP is or isn't doing there's no excuse for him to react with violence. He has options, he could leave if he really can't control his temper, throwing things/being violent is never justified.

Get out op. Tell family.

im your daughter that grew up in that and it escalated constantly and my mum didn’t, my life has been fucked by cptsd.

Also, your post implies OP is responsible for those posts being deleted but I can pretty much guarantee it won't be OP who's reporting them. I have reported a couple and other posters who understand that it's victim blaming will be doing the same, it's nothing to do with OP not wanting to answer questions.

💐

@helpmepleaseidontknowwhattodo nothing you could say or nagging could ever cause a normal human adult male to throw a chair at you and pick up a table and throw it. That’s entirely on him. Even if you told him the worst thing imaginable he still should not attack you.

So well done for telling your friend. There is nothing to be ashamed of, the shame is his. Don’t cover it up for him, tell people.

Ask your friend to help you with the suggestions on this thread. He will do worse and you need to protect your child. You removing yourself and your child is what agencies like SS want to see as normal behaviour. They only get involved when people go back and don’t leave and their child keeps witnessing it. It’s also okay to go to the police, or not if you don’t want to. You’ve done the biggest thing so far and that’s telling someone and breaking the secrecy. You did Amazing

He is the worthless one.

Even your three year old knows how to behave.

What happened in your childhood for you to not know this is 100% on him, you didn't provoke, cause or deserve this and that it is wrong?

Ask him for space, have him stay somewhere else and give yourself time to relate you and your child would be happier, safer and better off away from him.

Work on yourself.

It's over.

He is useless around the house and your asking him to step up was viewed as you 'nagging' him and his fragile ego can't take the criticism so he lost control of his tenner and behaved violently.

Now to be spiteful, he's told him he doesn't want to marry you.

It sound like he feels he's trapped and doesn't want a family life so the best thing you can do is set him free.

Perhaps the nasty little twat will grow up eventually but he can then be someone else's problem.

Start the splitting up today.

Well say thank God to that. Please don’t consider marrying someone who resorts to violence. The furniture is only the start.

Haven’t RTFT but I’m going to offer an unpopular perspective.

I’ve been married for over 20 years and have been through some stressful times. Once, when I was very stressed, I was taking it out on DH, going on at him and complaining a lot. He lost his temper, picked up a wooden chair and literally snapped it apart in front of me. He was so enraged that he either destroyed an inanimate object or he might have hurt me-and he didn’t want to hurt me.

We avoided each other for the rest of the day and he was very contrite later. I also realized that I was taking out my stress on him and it was too much. Nothing like this has ever happened again.

I know this goes against other posters and if he’d hurt you, I’d be agreeing that you should leave immediately.

Regardless, I’d advise talking calmly to each other later.

Now is the best time to call the Police and report his behaviour. Don't wait for the next time.
I know it feels too scary but believe me, the Police will take you seriously and remove him from the home.
I can only repeat, don't wait for the next incident. You'll be walking on eggs shells and you must think of your DD.

OP, I feel desperately sorry for you, but also glad you have seen his true colours before you got married to him. Going as far as throwing a table and chair is bad enough - but then blaming you for it is an even bigger red flag. No only does he feel it is ok to use violence, but he takes zero responsibility. Please call Womens Aid for advice. And keep yourself safe. Getting away from him as soon as possible sound like a good plan.