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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner threw table and chair

324 replies

helpmepleaseidontknowwhattodo · 27/04/2024 10:00

Please help. In the context of an argument all morning about how my partner doesn't help as much as I need around the house and how I feel like I'm drowning, he has just picked up a dining chair and thrown it across the room and tipped the dining table over breaking my stuff and terrifying our small child. He's upstairs telling me to go away and leave him alone and it's my fault because I "kept going on at him".

Was this my fault? I'll admit I've been emotional and stressed lately and picking up on a lot of stuff he's not doing that I need his support with, did I drive him to this?? I don't know what to do I'm so scared

OP posts:
dawngreen · 27/04/2024 22:44

Its not your fault at all. Any normal person if they felt some one was nagging them too much would walk out of the house, and only come back when calm. Not throwing stuff around before blaming it all on you.

Copperoliverbear · 27/04/2024 22:52

I'd call the police and tell him in front of them, I don't want to be with you anymore, I want you to leave. Take what you need with you now and I will text you with a time to collect the rest from the doorstep.

2BabyOrNot2Baby · 27/04/2024 23:03

@helpmepleaseidontknowwhattodo, I've not read all comments or updates yet but just wanted to say - this man is not your partner. A partner would want to share the load with you, without you 'going on at him'. You didn't drive him to do this, he's a grown man and should be able to regulate his emotions and reactions a bit better than this.
So sorry you and your little one had to witness this, it's disgusting. Whether you decide to stay with him or leave, make sure he definitely makes this up to both of you, but especially your daughter. He should be showing her that she's completely safe with him and safe in her own home even!

Ifallelsefailschocolate · 27/04/2024 23:04

Well done on reaching out gathering information on MN and gathering your thoughts, while you were still in shock after fearing for your and your child’s safety.

The fact that he had you questioning yourself for his domestic violence shows you how much he wants you to believe that the blame is all on you.

You can tell your partner you have a headache while you avoid further unnecessary stress and anxiety from him.

Well done on getting out to a safe place and seeking out a safe place for your daughter (to get out and play with a friend after being traumatised by the DV) , who needs your help to get out of there to a safe place as soon as possible.

Your girlfriend says the door is open, and this is an option to go to while you call women’s aid so that you keep protecting yourself and your daughter. Alternatively make the call from the local cafe where you went or from somewhere you feel safe.

1800 737 732

Keep going my lovely you’re doing amazing 🥲 This is such a frightening and anxiety ridden situation he has put you both in.

2BabyOrNot2Baby · 27/04/2024 23:10

2BabyOrNot2Baby · 27/04/2024 23:03

@helpmepleaseidontknowwhattodo, I've not read all comments or updates yet but just wanted to say - this man is not your partner. A partner would want to share the load with you, without you 'going on at him'. You didn't drive him to do this, he's a grown man and should be able to regulate his emotions and reactions a bit better than this.
So sorry you and your little one had to witness this, it's disgusting. Whether you decide to stay with him or leave, make sure he definitely makes this up to both of you, but especially your daughter. He should be showing her that she's completely safe with him and safe in her own home even!

This is not to say that you shouldn't also feel safe in your home but please look at the bigger picture, you really REALLY need to put the two of you waaaay ahead.
Also, I really hope you don't decide to stay with him. This is never just a one off.
You're doing a fantastic job with your little girl, the fact that she knows you deserve an apology just shows how well you're doing x

PaminaMozart · 27/04/2024 23:23

@helpmepleaseidontknowwhattodo

Leaving your abuser may seem overwhelming right now, but PLEASE do this:

  • Report the attack to the police
  • Talk to Women's Aid
  • Read WHY DOES HE DO THAT, by Lundy Bancroft - there is a free pdf online.
If not for yourself, at least do it for your little daughter
MustWeDoThis · 27/04/2024 23:31

helpmepleaseidontknowwhattodo · 27/04/2024 21:01

Unfortunately family are not local (think the sort of distance between London and Newcastle). I could stay with my friend if push came to shove but she doesn't have a huge house and loads of space. I'm biding my time here for now. I need space and time to think. My head is whirring with a mass of jumbled thoughts and I feel so flat and low, I can't make sense of any of that right now. My priority this evening has been staying as normal and routine focussed as possible for my daughter. Tomorrow I hope I will be able to think and plan, after sleep.

Thank you all again for a safe space to vent and make sense of things Flowers

O/P - Call your landlord and explain what has happened. Tell them you are a victim of domestic abuse and your child is in an unsafe environment. Ask them if they will take his name off of the tenancy and get CAB to support you with this phonecall, and welfare services from your local authority. They will fight for you, and women's aid!

Change all of the locks on the door.

Once you're feeling up to it, refer yourself to child and adult services so they know what is going on. This way they will also support you. Then when you're feeling even stronger again, call the police, tell them what he did, and get a restraining order on him.

You've got this, O/P. Show him what a furious Mother scorned can do to a man. Get angry, O/P - Really angry! Then use it to your advantage.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/04/2024 23:35

PaminaMozart · 27/04/2024 23:23

@helpmepleaseidontknowwhattodo

Leaving your abuser may seem overwhelming right now, but PLEASE do this:

  • Report the attack to the police
  • Talk to Women's Aid
  • Read WHY DOES HE DO THAT, by Lundy Bancroft - there is a free pdf online.
If not for yourself, at least do it for your little daughter

This. Please get away from him. I hope you’re safe tonight. Flowers

Nanaof1 · 27/04/2024 23:42

helpmepleaseidontknowwhattodo · 27/04/2024 10:05

Our 3 year old has been crying saying "daddy needs to say sorry to mummy" 😢😢 my heart is breaking for her

Please, remember this. It was NOT your fault. Not even a tiny little bit. He CHOSE to throw the chair and he CHOSE to tip the table.

NOTHING, but nothing, excuses that behavior. EVER!

He needs to leave. You do not want your DD to ever think it's okay for ANYONE to display this type of violence towards anyone.

Your heart is breaking for your DD but HER heart is breaking for you.

Listen to the advice here. Please.

My heart breaks for you both.💔💔💔

Runnerinthenight · 28/04/2024 00:41

No advice to offer but sending hugs xx

JFDIYOLO · 28/04/2024 00:41

Please go to the police. This is domestic violence - and it only gets worse, it never just stops.

You need a record of your report and a report number. What you've written here is already an excellent start to your report. You can do it online.

It can be difficult to accept - admit, even - that you're an abuse victim. I hope some of the links below will clarify this for you.

He's doing classic abuser behaviour.

He's using the well known DARVO abuser technique. Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender.

‘Now look what you made me do’ is an old, old tactic they often use to push blame on their victim.

‘If you hadn't …(insert bullshit here), I wouldn't have … (insert more bullshit here)’.

And now pretending like nothing’s happened. That abuser technique is called gaslighting.

Your daughter - ‘If a child is under 18 and sees or hears domestic abuse happening to a family member, this is also domestic abuse.’ (Citizens Advice)

And telling your daughter daddy's sorry? Please don't.

You have a duty. To your daughter and yourself, and both your physical and mental safety.

You were terrified and humiliated.

Staying in that house with that man is putting you both in danger.

It's the second most frightening thing, leaving, upheaving everything.

The most frightening thing though is that moment when you and your little girl are in fear for your lives, and what he might do to you or her next.

He doesn't want to marry you. The house is rented. Brilliant - this will make things easier, cleaner.

Please get practical help.

Your family and friends.

The police: www.police.uk/report-domestic-abuse

Citizens advice: https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse/

Women's Aid: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/womens-aid-welcomes-2-million-fund-to-help-survivors-of-domestic-abuse/

The NHS: https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/ 

nhs.uk

Getting help for domestic violence and abuse

Find out about the signs of domestic violence and abuse, and where to get help. Domestic violence and abuse can happen against women and against men, and anyone can be an abuser.

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

Dontjudgeme101 · 28/04/2024 00:46

I hope you and your dd are safe now.💐💐💐

LargeJugs · 28/04/2024 00:57

You need to leave the bastard. Nobody respectable behaves like this. Its disgusting around a child too.

CJsGoldfish · 28/04/2024 01:06

We were engaged too, he's just told me he doesn't want to marry me anymore
Just another control issue. Women seem so desperate to marry, they seem to be sitting around moaning about no proposal yet, so he'll use it as another stick to beat you with. You'll probaby be expected to apologise to get that 'engaged' status back
Worried that once everyone is calm, it won't seem like the massive deal it is because it's easier to stay and he "really does want to marry me" That you'll end up telling yourself (because he believes) that you over reacted and it won't happen again (because you'll 'nag' less)

Think of how you felt in that moment. Think of how the thought of your daughter being exposed to that. Think of the damage it will do for her to hear a lifetime of "daddy's sorry, he didn't mean to ...........mummy". "daddy's sorry, mummy shouldn't have........" Imagine YOUR daughter feeling the fear you felt today because this is 'normal' and she ended up in a relationship that was modelled at home?

Your strength is there OP. You have a daughter who you love more than anything in the world. Find that power to do what is best for you and for her. You can

GoatScapes · 28/04/2024 01:12

he's just told me he doesn't want to marry me anymore

he just did you a favour.

oakleaffy · 28/04/2024 01:14

All too often once child/ren come along, there is a shedload more stress on relationships, and financial pressure.
There are some men who are superb at keeping the house clean and tidy, but men seem to leave most of childcare {especially when children are young} to the mother.

To marry this man would be a disaster.
He has crossed the Rubicon by losing his cool and flinging furniture.

Endless nagging is bad, but so is flinging stuff in frustration.

The two of you just aren't compatible.

Go separate ways.

At least with no marriage or property to divide, there is no expensive divorce to pay for.

YukNo · 28/04/2024 01:15

Right. You NEED to get out. If not for you, for your daughter. No excuses. You will be complicit in her abuse if
you don’t leave.

DreamTheMoors · 28/04/2024 02:01

helpmepleaseidontknowwhattodo · 27/04/2024 10:13

We were engaged too, he's just told me he doesn't want to marry me anymore

That’s the freaking best news he could’ve given you, consider the circumstances.

SpoonyFish · 28/04/2024 02:37

OP firstly, I'm so sorry this happened.

My niece's relationship began similarly with verbal abuse, trashing the house etc and then escalated one day to hitting my niece as she held their young baby.

Police & Social services were called as a result of that incident and now divorce is underway and he is only allowed supervised contact with his child.

Nothing is this guys fault though (in his mind) much like your partner is trying to maintain. In his mind, he's not the problem.

You need to get out of this relationship before the next thing happens because it will happen, I'm sorry to say it.

I unfortunately know this from my own parents relationship, I witnessed multiple incidents of DV and it made me really angry as a teen as I always struggled to process it all.

You and your daughter deserve deserve so much better and I hope you both feel safe again soon. As per my niece, it'll be a difficult road yes, but worth it in the end to know you don't have to live in fear.

SpoonyFish · 28/04/2024 02:45

MustWeDoThis · 27/04/2024 23:31

O/P - Call your landlord and explain what has happened. Tell them you are a victim of domestic abuse and your child is in an unsafe environment. Ask them if they will take his name off of the tenancy and get CAB to support you with this phonecall, and welfare services from your local authority. They will fight for you, and women's aid!

Change all of the locks on the door.

Once you're feeling up to it, refer yourself to child and adult services so they know what is going on. This way they will also support you. Then when you're feeling even stronger again, call the police, tell them what he did, and get a restraining order on him.

You've got this, O/P. Show him what a furious Mother scorned can do to a man. Get angry, O/P - Really angry! Then use it to your advantage.

This isnt as easy as contacting the landlord (unfortunately). It sounds like he has equal right to stay in the house at present. The first step is reporting this incident to the Police, then going to court for an NMO and occupation order for the rental. That will enable the landlord to assist legally. Womens Aid can help with the practical steps.

MariaVT65 · 28/04/2024 03:15

Op i know you want/need time to digest things and want to keep a routine for your DD, but the reality is that you’re not safe. He could pull anything, beat you up etc. You need to take further action immediately. Call Women’s Aid as a start please. And do also report it to the police.

Cetim · 28/04/2024 03:33

Don't know where you are with things today but hope you are OK. Firstly it is iot your fault. Domestice violence usually follows a pattern - emotional abuse (e.g. him blaming you for everything he does wrong), then physical aggression (punching walls, throwing furniture etc), then physical+/sexual abuse (punching you/SA you). The pattern has already started. Some people then escalate even further to hurting the children in the house on top of the psychological damage they have already caused. The reasons why he is doing this are up to him to work out. Don't do the work for him. He had zero regard for your feelings when he failed to control his rage. Yes you have been 'nagging' but that does not justify what he did. People nag all the time. He did this to silence you and control you with fear. It's unacceptable and dangerous. Sorry this has happened to you. X

Bahhhhhumbug · 28/04/2024 03:37

helpmepleaseidontknowwhattodo · 27/04/2024 19:29

@FarmGirl78
I didn't say he was here? I said I was at home

But you said he's acting as if nothing happened so l presumed he was there. Wait for the grovelling apology and 'nothing like this will ever happen again speech' up next . Need to call the police,get him out.

Notamum12345577 · 28/04/2024 03:47

PaminaMozart · 27/04/2024 10:21

Now: Call the police
Later today: can you go to a place of safety?
Monday: call Women's Aid.

He has crossed a line. If you don't leave now, it will only get worse. You don't want that for yourself or your child.

Would the police be interested that he threw a chair (not at her) and tipped the table over? I’m not saying they shouldn’t be, I think they should. But wondering if they would be

Sadza · 28/04/2024 06:43

Think. Is this what you want your child to see and learn? Some tough decisions needed.

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