MIL coming to stay with added extra

[Babycatsmummy]

I'm heavily pregnant with my first baby and always knew that my MIL would be coming from Italy to stay with DP and I. We've had many arguments about when that time would be.... he is very traditional and wanted his mum here for when the baby arrives, but I wanted her to come after his paternity leave so we could get used to the huge change in our lives and bond with our baby.
In the end i felt like I really didn't have a say, tickets were booked and she's arriving imminently.

I called her to ask if she needed me to get her anything as I was going shopping and she dropped the bombshell her best friend is coming back with her and staying for a few days, she will share the guest room with her. I was taken aback a little as obviously, at the moment my emotions are all over the place and I'm spending the majority of my time walking around in my big nanna knickers and vest tops as pretty much just resting as it's all I want to do. The thought of added guest, someone I hardly know and having to look after them as well has really upset me.

I asked my DP if he was aware and he said he wasn't, but what is the issue? She's a very close family friend so his mum shouldn't have to ask. I pointed out it's respectful and courteous- this isn't her home it's ours and I could go into labour at any point now. The best friend has her own family in the area she could stay with so I asked him if he could just politely ask his mum to see if the best friend could stay with them and he's refused.

I feel really upset and a little put out that DP isn't seeing things from my perspective and is siding with his mum. He's told me I'm not being fair!

Am I being unreasonable to asks he stays somewhere else?

I would put your feet up. Eat what you like and when. DH has to look after them or they sort themselves out.

You’re going to need to lay down ground rules for when baby arrives. The first of these is - what you say, goes. If you’re ok with her holding the baby, that’s fine. But he does not take the baby away from you without your agreement. My MIL would not have barged in like this. I hope yours is sensitive to your needs while she’s here.

Well I get that your DH has different cultural norms, but for me, that’s pretty rude. Bad enough you don’t get a say in when MIL stays, but bringing a guest is not on for me.

I would be really disappointed if my DH did not support me in this. Especially with my first pregnancy

Your DH will be hosting. You will be concentrating on baby

Sounds like very different cultures here

You need to set out your expectations otherwise this will keep happening

Don't wait on them though

I don’t think that’s normal. I think your dp can fuck off and you should go and stay with someone else, although leaving your own house is outrageous, but so is your mil coming over as you’re about to give birth. The whole thing is disgraceful. I’d be telling the dp that he can look after them as you sit and relax in prepare for giving birth. He’s an idiot. Major dp problem.

I think I would go and stay with my parents if possible. It’s bad enough his mother coming, but to bring an uninvited guest is totally unacceptable and your husband should be on your side with that. Frankly he should have told your MIL not to come either.

I would go nuclear on this. Absolutely, categorically, NO. He needs to grow a pair and tell mummy dearest she and her free-loading pal need to find other accommodation. You will resent her forever more if you accept this as she has massively overstepped a clear red line. Please put yourself and baby first as it sounds as though they surely won't.

Oh no no no. Do not lift a finger to prepare for this visit,or look after these people. It's absolutely outrageous to invite a friend at such a sensitive time,too.
If it's a "cultural thing" then your culture better be putting your feet up and relaxing. Let your DH look after your visitors if he's so keen. I can't think of anything worse than houseguests at this time.

Nope, you do have to compromise whe you're from different cultures, I did. But that doesn't extend to friends!

sound like a cultural difference but I’d be annoyed too. I understand what hormones can do!! I don’t know if it’s worth upsetting yourself more though by trying to make him see sense and the fall outs, however you are well within your rights to have the birth and privacy you want! So is it better to lay down your boundaries now? I do think the hormones make it worse though and sometimes the thought is actually worse than the reality. Could you rest and let him do everything for the guests? Or could you contact them and say you’re not ready for guests and you’ll let them know when to come when the baby’s arrived and you’re settled

This would infuriate me. It doesn't matter how much of a family friend she may be to your DH and his mum, they have no right to invite someone else to your home post partum. Incredibly rude. I'd be saying no, no matter how much of an inconvenience that is to them.

You don't have to look after them, they will look after you! Make the most of having 2 Italian nonnas cooking and getting the house ready for the baby

This is terrible, OP. Can you leave the house and stay with your mum for a few weeks?

In my culture women go home to their mum’s from hospital.

That would be my nightmare, having a stranger in the house at such a vulnerable time.

This jollying along of OP into something she doesn’t want is not nice.

I’d also go to my mums, not a chance in hell I’d be having someone i barely know staying when I’m so heavily pregnant

Tell your DH to let his mum know that if the guest comes, neither of them are welcome in the house.

If your DH refuses to pass this message on and support you, I would go and stay with your family if they are local and you have a good relationship with them. You should refuse to come home until your husband and MIL get the point. Obviously if your family are far from your hospital this is unfortunately not an option.

So sorry you are going through this stress when you should be focusing on relaxing and preparing for labour.

My MIL just kind of turned up after DC1 was born for an undetermined length of time. Coming from a different cultural tradition she felt my own mum should have come to stay and buy she didn't so felt she should instead. We had a 1 bed flat so she was sleeping on the couch, but actually it was fine having her around. She helped with housework, or baby-soothing as required. It went better than I'd expected. I would have found her bringing her friend along a bit much though, so can understand you being a bit upset about that one. If you can't get DH to reconsider then I'd suggest making sure your bedroom is somewhere you're happy to be if you need a bit of quiet time away from them (eg add a chair or a TV)

I think it's very concerning you don't feel listened to.

You are about to push/deliver this man's baby out, he should be doing everything to make you happy.

I'd tell him either he tells her or I will. Totally unacceptable, especially when he's already forced you to compromise on when she comes in the first place!

Your "h" needs to decide who he'd rather piss off. His mum? Or the woman he is hoping to shag for the rest of his marriage.
And if he favours his mum on this one, then I wouldn't hold out much chance of the marriage surviving long enough for any more shags ever.

Do you get on alright with MIL generally speaking? I know the friend might be a pain in the ass to have in your home, but you might be surprised at how much they will coddle you as a momma to be.

Best thing is to capitalise on your imminent motherhood and rest, rest, rest in your room with Netflix and some good books. DP and the nonnas are well able to look out for themselves!

The most important thing to do is take no guff after baby comes home. You are the mum and the boss in that department. Although to be fair MIL appears to be staying only for a short enough time. If she is staying longer, then make sure you set the boundaries from the get go.

Wishing you a happy and safe birth and hope it all goes well.

This.

I would hate this and I feel sorry for you. You needed to be more clear that it wasn't welcome to your DH.

DP you say? Not DH?

I'd be tempted to tell him that if he wants to be named on the baby's birth certificate he needs to prioritise your welfare and arrange for both his mother and her friend to stay somewhere else.

I would tell him to postpone his mum's visit, If he insists, Then I'd be off to mum/sister/brother/ best friend , and he could could look after his house guests .