MIL coming to stay with added extra

[Babycatsmummy]

I'm heavily pregnant with my first baby and always knew that my MIL would be coming from Italy to stay with DP and I. We've had many arguments about when that time would be.... he is very traditional and wanted his mum here for when the baby arrives, but I wanted her to come after his paternity leave so we could get used to the huge change in our lives and bond with our baby.
In the end i felt like I really didn't have a say, tickets were booked and she's arriving imminently.

I called her to ask if she needed me to get her anything as I was going shopping and she dropped the bombshell her best friend is coming back with her and staying for a few days, she will share the guest room with her. I was taken aback a little as obviously, at the moment my emotions are all over the place and I'm spending the majority of my time walking around in my big nanna knickers and vest tops as pretty much just resting as it's all I want to do. The thought of added guest, someone I hardly know and having to look after them as well has really upset me.

I asked my DP if he was aware and he said he wasn't, but what is the issue? She's a very close family friend so his mum shouldn't have to ask. I pointed out it's respectful and courteous- this isn't her home it's ours and I could go into labour at any point now. The best friend has her own family in the area she could stay with so I asked him if he could just politely ask his mum to see if the best friend could stay with them and he's refused.

I feel really upset and a little put out that DP isn't seeing things from my perspective and is siding with his mum. He's told me I'm not being fair!

Am I being unreasonable to asks he stays somewhere else?

My in laws are Italian amd this is the exact same thing they would try to do. It's a culture thing

Oh my god, no fucking way. Is this the first time he’s put his mum’s wants over your needs? How long are they planning to stay and why the fuck does this other person think she’ll be welcome intruding into your home? I’d go absolutely ballistic.

How do you manage it? Why is their culture more important than yours? I just couldn’t do it.

Stop exaggerating, men who aren’t on the BC don’t lose their parental rights 🙄

And she said ‘I’d be tempted’ to say that. She’s not saying to do that.

My friend’s daughter’s DP is Italian, but his parents respected that they are living here, they didn’t impose themselves at such a vulnerable time or make it about them or their culture. I honestly would go elsewhere if he insists on his DM’s friend staying.

Oh dear, that shows your place in his priorities - further down the list to his mother.

If you don't deal with this now, you can see how your future will be...

This is a hill to die on. Why does him being cultural override respect for you and your little family? This is so unbelievably unacceptable that you have every right to fight him on this.
Op, the very first moments that you have with your baby and these two people one being a stranger there will have you eaten with resentment for a long time to come. This woman who you don't have a clue about or feel comfortable around, is coming to share the most important and vulnerable moments in your life and that is SO wrong to do to you.

Can you mention this to your midwife?

My friend had an issue with her now ex that she was way too vulnerable to deal with and the midwife went to town on him.

@AnneLovesGilbert in the beginning, i used to be a pushover and scared to upset her. My husband was a push over and wanted to keep her happy to. She used to turn up and walk into our house pick the baby up
Or take him out of my arms. (She lives here in uk with fil both Italian) She would make comments on how I didn't share the baby with the whole family and how no one has a bond with him because of me. And quite quickly, I lost my shit basically. I started making bitchy comments back to her. I blocked her number haha. Silenced her messages . Told my husband if he didn't sort her out I was leaving I wasn't willing to put up with her shit for the rest of my life. I got tough and put down boundaries. As the months went on my husband started seeing what I saw and how she gets on his nerves as much as mine haha. But if I was you I would seriously put my foot down or they will never ever respect you or your boundaries . She's nicer to me now I've lay down boundaries. Don't get me wrong, she still gets on my nerves. But, I know I'm in control of the situation now if that makes sense? Italians are very forward and open their doors to everyone as I found out when we went over there .

This, I never get that.. oh its a cultural thing, let them do what they want or you're mean..

@DoreenonTill8 there culture and beliefs are not more important than ours or how we feel. He see why I put a stop to that BS haha

I asked him if he could just politely ask his mum to see if the best friend could stay with them and he's refused.

You asked for what you needed, he refused.

I'd be at my mum's, ask my cousin to be birth partner, register the birth alone with my choice of name. Yes, that's nuclear. But he pressed the button first.

And BTW, I know a LOT of Italians and a lot of mixed marriages. The Mamma shit never ends. The only way to counter it is become the Mamma yourself. And they'll still go home to Mamma after arguments.

Oh and if culture was actually important he would have married you before a baby.

Get a lock for the j side of your bedroom door.

Retire to your bedroom at every opportunity and let your husband crack on entertaining his mother and the stranger.

I actually think this is easier on you! They can go off and amuse themselves during the day and then cook dinner etc. Your MIL wont be relying on you. Encourage them to go out in the evening also:)Hopefully, they are happy to chat with each other and then you dont have to keep trying to make conversation:)

Wow fuck that.

It's not your job to be 'fair' to his family right now. Your job is to look after yourself and baby at a very vulnerable time. You won't get this time back.

Absolutely no to the family friend staying. I'd be saying no to MIL as well.

If she's taking liberties like this already then she is going to be an absolute nightmare to live with.

I'm sick of men using 'culture' as an excuse for having things their way.

He's not pregnant, no one is going to be pulling a human out of him, he's not going to be in recovery, or learning to breastfeed. There's no 'fair' in birth,

He can support YOU who is going through this or he can fuck off

Honestly. I'd be banning him from the labour and doing literally nothing in the house aside from looking after myself and baby. Appreciate that will not help your relationship, but in your shoes I wouldn't forgive being steamrolled and dismissed by my husband.

You shouldn't be looking after them. You and your DP should look after you. Think of it as your MIL will have a friend to go out and about with leaving you some downtime rather than feeling you need to entertain her. Personally I wouldn't have had anyone staying with me after my babies were born but given your DP is presumably from a different culture I guess you had little choice.

I agree

So his preferences take precedence before yours?

Despite you being about to give birth?

What a lovely man!

I'd talk to his mum and be quite clear that you would rather have this time to yourself and will welcome a visit in a few months' time.

There is no reason that your DP can't book them a close by air bnb or they can't stay with her friends friends

I'd be packing up and moving in with my mum until the partner grows a backbone

If you want your marriage to be happy I think all you can do is welcome both of them. It's just going to be an absolute bloody nightmare otherwise.

Yes, this is exactly it.

@Babycatsmummy You'll be exhausted, sore, emotional, awash with hormones, trying to establish breastfeeding if that is how you want to feed your baby. You don't even want your MIL staying while you're dealing with all that, let alone some total random. I don't think you'll ever forgive your partner for allowing your first experience of motherhood to be tainted in this way.

He needs to understand that right now, it's you and your baby, or his mother and her friend. He cannot please everybody.

So put in place a plan B. Tell him that if his mother and her friend are in the house, you and the baby won't be, so who does he most want to have this time with? His mother will get over being told to stay somewhere else...eventually. But he would probably always regret missing out on time with his newborn baby because you've gone to stay somewhere else.

WTAF?

My marriage is happy and that's partly because I have excellent boundaries which DH knows and respects. Being a doormat doesn't make you happy.

How disrespectful to you. Unacceptable. They can both check in to a hotel. Your dh can tell his mother that. If they don’t then you do nothing. No shopping, cooking, getting the room ready, cleaning before and afterwards. Your dh can do all of that. Walk around in what you want. Do what you want. Tell the guest that you didn’t invite her or your mil. Ignore these uninvited freeloaders.