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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL coming to stay with added extra

567 replies

Babycatsmummy · 26/04/2024 19:12

I'm heavily pregnant with my first baby and always knew that my MIL would be coming from Italy to stay with DP and I. We've had many arguments about when that time would be.... he is very traditional and wanted his mum here for when the baby arrives, but I wanted her to come after his paternity leave so we could get used to the huge change in our lives and bond with our baby.
In the end i felt like I really didn't have a say, tickets were booked and she's arriving imminently.

I called her to ask if she needed me to get her anything as I was going shopping and she dropped the bombshell her best friend is coming back with her and staying for a few days, she will share the guest room with her. I was taken aback a little as obviously, at the moment my emotions are all over the place and I'm spending the majority of my time walking around in my big nanna knickers and vest tops as pretty much just resting as it's all I want to do. The thought of added guest, someone I hardly know and having to look after them as well has really upset me.

I asked my DP if he was aware and he said he wasn't, but what is the issue? She's a very close family friend so his mum shouldn't have to ask. I pointed out it's respectful and courteous- this isn't her home it's ours and I could go into labour at any point now. The best friend has her own family in the area she could stay with so I asked him if he could just politely ask his mum to see if the best friend could stay with them and he's refused.

I feel really upset and a little put out that DP isn't seeing things from my perspective and is siding with his mum. He's told me I'm not being fair!

Am I being unreasonable to asks he stays somewhere else?

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 26/04/2024 20:42

determinedtomakethiswork · 26/04/2024 20:40

If you want your marriage to be happy I think all you can do is welcome both of them. It's just going to be an absolute bloody nightmare otherwise.

Happy for whom?

I'm sure giving her partner everything he wants will make him happy. But will it make the OP happy?

Nope.

SweatpantPotato · 26/04/2024 20:46

Can you stay with your mom? That's outrageous.

Takenoprisoner · 26/04/2024 20:46

determinedtomakethiswork · 26/04/2024 20:40

If you want your marriage to be happy I think all you can do is welcome both of them. It's just going to be an absolute bloody nightmare otherwise.

Yes put up and shut up. I bloody despair

madameparis · 26/04/2024 20:47

determinedtomakethiswork · 26/04/2024 20:40

If you want your marriage to be happy I think all you can do is welcome both of them. It's just going to be an absolute bloody nightmare otherwise.

So the key to a happy marriage is to put up with a selfish partner, allow them to make all the decisions, ignore your own wants and needs?

I despair.

KidsandKindness · 26/04/2024 20:49

You're not being unreasonable to ask that MIL's friend stays elsewhere OP, but sadly I don't understand what you're hoping for by posting on here about this, as you clearly don't have what it takes to stand up to DP and his DM, if you did, you'd have already laid the law down.

However, whatever you end up putting up with, I hope the birth goes well for you.

madameparis · 26/04/2024 20:51

This is a hill I’d die on. That last stage of pregnancy and first weeks with your first born baby is such a vulnerable but very special time of your life. I would not have wanted anyone staying but definitely not a random mate of my MIL!

I would have to put my foot down “I absolutely feel uncomfortable with the thought of someone I don’t know staying in my home at this time in our lives. If you are going to insist on your Mother and her friend staying in our home, then I will be leaving to stay somewhere else.”

madameparis · 26/04/2024 20:55

You say the friend has her own family in your area that she could stay with…… the friend should be staying there with your MIL! Then they can come visit your home as and when is appropriate.

BeckyWithTheGoodHair010101 · 26/04/2024 20:57

Absolutely not a chance I would put up with this and I really like my MIL. Can you go elsewhere? Is this a cultural thing? You need to be very honest with your husband about how you feel about this and if he doesn't listen then you have way bigger issues.

BeckyWithTheGoodHair010101 · 26/04/2024 20:59

determinedtomakethiswork · 26/04/2024 20:40

If you want your marriage to be happy I think all you can do is welcome both of them. It's just going to be an absolute bloody nightmare otherwise.

What an absolutely ridiculous thing to say and crap advice! I suggest you grow a backbone.
Please don't listen to this doormat of a poster OP!

Kirosi · 26/04/2024 21:00

Well it depends. My Italian mil was incredible and you really really will need help. But if staying for a long time even an angel could get on your nerves especially when hormonal and dealing with sleep deprivation and stress. In hindsight I m grateful she was so patient with me! But getting her friend to come without asking you is out of order. How's she in general? Your dh better start behaving. What is this a touristic trip?!

WiddlinDiddlin · 26/04/2024 21:02

Or... you could play her at her own game.

As someone else said, be the Momma... so she arrives and you immediately lavish her with gratitude and 'oh I am SO grateful you are here, it is so WONDERFUL to have your help'... and present her with a list of things, show her where the cups and plates are, the cleaning stuff etc etc..

Then park your arse somewhere convenient and keep up a stream of requests for her to clean this, hoover that, mow the lawn, make dinner, wash up...

Keep up some constant chatter about how fantastic her culture of looking after new mothers, stepping in to take the strain at such a crucial time... how lucky you are that she AND HER FRIEND have come to take over the heavy lifting...

Take charge, its YOUR house, not hers, you're the queen fucking bee here, wear that fucking crown!

CrotchetyQuaver · 26/04/2024 21:04

I think this is some kind of cultural thing? The bring a friend bit is certainly unusual but you may actually be glad of them when they're there. I would hope they'll really look after you and give you time and space to bond with baby whilst the "fairies" cook delicious food, attend to the housework and laundry. I found myself very envious of those women whose mothers/female relations came and stayed for a few weeks around the birth and basically took over running the house whilst the new mother rested, recovered from the birth and bonded with the baby. In olden days it was known as the lying in period I think. Meanwhile I was home on my own post emergency c section with a newborn and left to get on with it whilst my mother who lived 5 miles away visited once a week. And complained about the state of the place. MIL never offered any help either. I would have loved to have been looked after like some of my friends were by older women who understood what I'd been through and how best to help as they'd been through it themselves many years ago and just understood.

Chillilounger · 26/04/2024 22:09

I honestly think I would book myself into a hotel and stay there until the mil goes. Completely disrespectful. I would also be rethinking how the relationship with your DH is going to go. Hopefully he will realise this is a big deal and talk to his mm. If you don't take a stand this is the pecking order now forever.

Icantbedoingwithit · 26/04/2024 22:14

I would LOSE my shit! Literally!

VJBR · 26/04/2024 22:21

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 26/04/2024 19:29

I’d also go to my mums, not a chance in hell I’d be having someone i barely know staying when I’m so heavily pregnant

This. Play him at his own game.

AliceMcK · 26/04/2024 22:45

My friend is married to an Italian, she said it’s taken her years to train him. Italian men are very much mammas boys, I’m trying to think of a saying I use to know but can’t remember it. Anyway, she has had to be tough with some things. She regularly chooses to do extra shifts on their 2 month stints visiting twice a year, but says she has to suck it up given they spend the entire 6 week holidays at the in-laws Italian farm. She also “helps” her parents with their business a lot which involves staying over when her in-laws visit.

I can’t remember what happened when the DCs were born, I think she said they descended, MIL & FIL but she was able to escape to her parents a lot. She’s been married for years now and said she’s gotten use to a lot but will put her foot down if need be.

MsCactus · 26/04/2024 22:58

OP I would honestly pack my bags, go to my parents (or my best friends house) and leave him if my DH did this.

How horrific.

You're heavily pregnant. You can't be dealing with guests - tell the MIL and her friend to piss off.

I actually feel upset your DP has put you through this - can you leave???

Grumppy · 26/04/2024 23:02

Taking the piss. I would not want this and tbh id say sorry cancel. This isn’t some fucking jolly, your having a baby. You want to look like shit and not have visitors. Fuck that no

Annielou67 · 26/04/2024 23:18

This is your time to bond with your baby. You appear to have been railroaded by your dh and his mother. The friend is the icing on the pisstaking cake.
I would be concerned that mil turning up is going to be too stressful and I would put my foot down and tell dh they are not staying. You should not be forced out of your own home - this is a time of joy for goodness sake. Tell them they have to stay in a hotel or Airbnb. If dh says no - sack him off and go to your mums. Warn her in advance and have a bag there in case you need to go there from the hospital. All the best for your birth.

HcbSS · 26/04/2024 23:19

You and your husband are obviously very culturally different. Has that ever become apparent before now?

PlantLight · 26/04/2024 23:25

Hell no to MIL staying let alone her friend! I’m sorry your Dp isn’t on board with this. Tell him in no uncertain terms all hosting is on him, you are not doing any making tea or cooking or cleaning. But I would not want this in the first place. You need to sit and bond and sit half naked on the sofa

WickedSerious · 26/04/2024 23:25

Fuck that for a tube of Smarties,I'd go and stay somewhere else until they piss off.

coldcallerbaiter · 26/04/2024 23:26

It’s not a cultural thing. Your own mother staying over after the birth is - not his, in many/most countries, so no need to fall for this unless you want her help. Her friend cannot stay, you are about to have a baby, this is not their entertainment show.

Apolloneuro · 27/04/2024 00:06

I couldn’t contemplate accepting this and would move out.

ChangeAgain2 · 27/04/2024 00:12

Fuck that. I'd piss off and leave him to entertain them. @Babycatsmummy are you happy in this relationship? It seems like your opinion, wants and needs font really matter. You're about to have his baby but you and your wellbeing doesn't seem like it's a priority. Your husband is a entirely the problem.