MIL coming to stay with added extra

[Babycatsmummy]

I'm heavily pregnant with my first baby and always knew that my MIL would be coming from Italy to stay with DP and I. We've had many arguments about when that time would be.... he is very traditional and wanted his mum here for when the baby arrives, but I wanted her to come after his paternity leave so we could get used to the huge change in our lives and bond with our baby.
In the end i felt like I really didn't have a say, tickets were booked and she's arriving imminently.

I called her to ask if she needed me to get her anything as I was going shopping and she dropped the bombshell her best friend is coming back with her and staying for a few days, she will share the guest room with her. I was taken aback a little as obviously, at the moment my emotions are all over the place and I'm spending the majority of my time walking around in my big nanna knickers and vest tops as pretty much just resting as it's all I want to do. The thought of added guest, someone I hardly know and having to look after them as well has really upset me.

I asked my DP if he was aware and he said he wasn't, but what is the issue? She's a very close family friend so his mum shouldn't have to ask. I pointed out it's respectful and courteous- this isn't her home it's ours and I could go into labour at any point now. The best friend has her own family in the area she could stay with so I asked him if he could just politely ask his mum to see if the best friend could stay with them and he's refused.

I feel really upset and a little put out that DP isn't seeing things from my perspective and is siding with his mum. He's told me I'm not being fair!

Am I being unreasonable to asks he stays somewhere else?

Both your husband and MIL are being very selfish here, him more so as it is his job to support you at such a vulnerable time. I agree with previous posts saying you are not to host, leave this to him and make it very very clear this is what you will be doing. Stand firm in your boundaries around birth and early days with baby afterwards. Stay with your own family if needed, and lean on them for support if your DH is not listening. Definitely speak to midwives in hospital to make it clear about visitors you want to be allowed in, and who you don’t. Hopefully once your husband has seen you go through labour (which as magical as new life is, is still a huge medical event!!), and you’re both in the thick of it with a new baby early days post-partum, the penny might drop. I think a lot of men are naive to what birth/post partum is actually like until it happens and he will soon realise you’re not up to hosting any guests at all and may suddenly change his tune once the pressure is on him…

Expectations? No. Rules. You will be a mom soon
(good luck)!
I'm familiar with that culture.
Stay firm.
💝

Your advice is to start using her baby as a weapon before it's even born, what awful advice! 🤦

What family do you have? Can you stay with them?

He needs to decide whether he actually wants to be a family with the OP and her baby or not.

Right now he's acting like he doesn't.

I’d move out!

💯 this! MIL, her friend and your DP can fuck right off. The cheek of it!
MIL and friend might actually be nice ladies who "just want to help"(?) but they really should know better.

TBH I would move in with your family. This is pretty ridiculous. Your DH is unable to stand up to his mother, doesn't support you and you are unable to stand up for what you want. The only way is to tell him you are leaving unless he sorts this out. And mean it.

Personally....

Your needs and wants should he first... currently they are last.
Everyone wants a ticket to the baby show and sod how @Babycatsmummy feels.

Your DP doesnt get it. Ideally someone needs to sit him down and tell him what a dick he is being...ideally not you as he wont listen.

Your friend is your birthing partner - stick with that.
Tell the midwife now about mil and advise the hospital staff too.

Personally i would move in with my parents (newborns honestly dont need much)

I hate to say this because you are probably already exhausted and frazzled but if you dont make this a big issue and sort this now it becomes MUCH worse over time

Prekids - My dh and i only ever argued about his mum. now we argue almost daily thanks kids 😅. I basically had to go nuclear for him to man up and manage his mother...
It culminated in me literally leaving the house from 9-6 and going to my mothers for 3 days in a row when mil was invited for one night at the weekend and decided to descend for a week long stay.

Please tell your husband (again) you don't want his mum or her friend coming to the hospital or staying at the flat so soon after the birth - especially for several months!! It's not like she lives on the other side of the world (even so that's too long). If he says no then go and stay with your parents or someone else if possible. I was in a lot of pain and bleeding a lot for several weeks after giving birth.

Also tell the midwives that you don't want your Mil coming into the ward/delivery room. They will turn her away. She sounds like a nightmare so say no and get away from the flat if she turns up!

Unfortunately it seems that your partner just goes along with everything his Mum says. This is going to have to change. Sounds like nothing as challenging as this has arisen before and the timing is not good as you could go into labour any time and just don't need the stress. I personally could not have coped with MIL and her friend in the house, I just couldn't. I think you have two choices. Firstly go along with what's been suggested, but absolutely do not host. Having said that I don't think you'll need to as your MIL and friend will take over cooking and the running of the house.
Or secondly, have it out with your partner and tell him that you can't deal with this situation and if it continues as planned, you'll be going to your Mum's or maybe to your friend's.
What a difficult situation for you -.your wishes should be priority, not your Mil's.

All manner of bad behaviour is badged as "culture ". He's an adult sized mummy's boy.

OP if I were you I'd tell MIL you don't have the space in a small flat for 2 additional adults and a new baby. End of. Call it culture.

“I've also said that whilst I'm in I don't want visitors.”

You tell the medical staff- you don’t want MIL there. They’ll deal with her.

Realistically I don’t think you plan to challenge this situation. You’ve said his mum is off limits, so you’ll need to work around it. DP? He wants to be traditional but not the part that involves marriage… (🤔and what does mummy think about that? I hope you are working and protecting yourself financially OP. )

Can you stay with your mum? I did and I was 40. It was fabulous! DM did everything, I slept, ate and walked my dog, until the last month when family/friends took it in turns. DH stayed too work depending- he used to have to work away a lot.
Alternatively I’d take myself off for the day, shopping, walking, coffee shops with a book (you don’t have to drink a coffee, there are other drinks) then spend most of the time in my bedroom reading, resting, and making myself scarce!

In my youth I spent a couple of summers in Greece. All the Italian mama's boys spent their time clogging up the phone systems calling home - you've managed to find yourself a grade A mama's boy and honestly I don't think there much hope of anything changing once the baby is born. DP is showing you where his priorities lie and you should take note. If you don't want this to be your life you're going to have to make a massive stand now. In your shoes I would pack a bag and stay with any family or friend who is understanding of the situation and will help rather than hinder at this point. This is an actions speak louder than words situation on both sides - if you want DP to take notice, you are going to have to take some pretty drastic action.

But this isn't part of OP's culture and she's the one who is giving birth. DP and his mum need to respect OP's culture. She doesn't want Mil staying with them so Mil needs to stay in a hotel and only visit when Op agrees (not everyday).

OP, can you do as many other posters have suggested and go and stay with your family?

It is absolutely unacceptable that your MIL thinks she's coming to stay with you for three months, over the birth of your baby, bringing a friend, and that you don't have any say in the matter.

Who owns the house?

'Cultural differences ' is a catch all phrase used to cover all sorts of rude behaviour. Tell them that in your culture people don't invite themselves into another person's home and certainly don't invite random strangers.

Dear OP, your DP’s behaviour is shocking. If he can’t respect you, and you can’t use your voice, use your feet. Bugger off to your mum’s.

The first month or so after birth are very strange and very difficult. Bleeding, pain, emotions all over the place. I personally had sore nipples to the point that I had to live totally topless for two weeks.

There is just NO world, no universe, no culture where this plan is OK.

Honestly, you’ll feel so proud of yourself if you can do this - show them who it is who’s having a baby.

I agree with this.
Particularly that actions speak louder than words.

You need action as he ismt listening to your words

For those saying get her to stay in a hotel, I don't think this will solve the problem. Had a similar issue with my MIL arriving with another female relative of DPs (who I didnt know that well) after I gave birth. After a bit of a rumpus when I said I didn't want them to stay with us, it was reluctantly agreed they would stay in a nearby hotel.

First morning they turned up at 8am, I'm sitting in living room, both boobs out and half dressed, airing my C section scar when they appear at the window waving in at me 😳. Then proceeded to stay until 11pm that night. Same pattern for rest of trip, expecting all meals etc. I learnt my lesson after Day 1 not to come downstairs until I was semi- presentable. That visit really impacted breastfeeding though as I was finding it difficult and getting very self conscious about doing it in front of them but THEY WERE ALWAYS THERE!

I think you are just going to have to bypass dp, tell the nurse at hospital not to let her in, when you get home lock yourself in your bedroom and enjoy baby. I’m sorry it shouldn’t have to be like this, dp needs to stand up and look after his family but if he won’t just lock yourself away. Let him look after them, I would be incandescent with rage

I'm so sorry you have this avoidable stress at what should be a lovely time.

We have a small 2 bed and it seemed claustrophobic and small in the baby years with all the baby equipment and that was without guests. Where's the pram, cot, bouncy chair, moses basket etc going to go? Even one guest for one night seems unreasonable to me at this time unless you have a bigger house.

I can remember hanging around the house in only my giant knickers with massive pads in, bra less, and uncomfortable in a heat wave while trying to get to grips with feeding our baby. I would have felt pressured to get properly dressed and presentable had there been a guest.

I echo others who say go to your family.

It's ultimatum time. He either prioritises you (and your new baby) or mummy dearest.

Don't lift a finger to "look after" these invaders. Work on the premise that they are here to look after you otherwise why the fuck would they think of coming in the first place. Sit on thr sofa, put your feet up and ask what the plan for dinner is.

No no no NO! They can get a hotel and MIL can visit at certain hours of the day. She can come and stay once baby is a bit bigger and you’re more comfortable. I spent those first few weeks just wearing granny pants, boobs out establishing breastfeeding and sleeping when I could. People came to visit for an hour or two here and there. No way would I have had anyone staying with us, let alone someone you barely know. Your DH needs to stand up FOR you. DO NOT do any hosting. That’s all on him. You stay cosied up in your room with baby the majority of the time. So extremely entitled and overbearing of them all (I understand there are different cultures and norms at play here but they should still respect your feelings and wishes).