MIL coming to stay with added extra

[Babycatsmummy]

I'm heavily pregnant with my first baby and always knew that my MIL would be coming from Italy to stay with DP and I. We've had many arguments about when that time would be.... he is very traditional and wanted his mum here for when the baby arrives, but I wanted her to come after his paternity leave so we could get used to the huge change in our lives and bond with our baby.
In the end i felt like I really didn't have a say, tickets were booked and she's arriving imminently.

I called her to ask if she needed me to get her anything as I was going shopping and she dropped the bombshell her best friend is coming back with her and staying for a few days, she will share the guest room with her. I was taken aback a little as obviously, at the moment my emotions are all over the place and I'm spending the majority of my time walking around in my big nanna knickers and vest tops as pretty much just resting as it's all I want to do. The thought of added guest, someone I hardly know and having to look after them as well has really upset me.

I asked my DP if he was aware and he said he wasn't, but what is the issue? She's a very close family friend so his mum shouldn't have to ask. I pointed out it's respectful and courteous- this isn't her home it's ours and I could go into labour at any point now. The best friend has her own family in the area she could stay with so I asked him if he could just politely ask his mum to see if the best friend could stay with them and he's refused.

I feel really upset and a little put out that DP isn't seeing things from my perspective and is siding with his mum. He's told me I'm not being fair!

Am I being unreasonable to asks he stays somewhere else?

Well that's fairly emotionally abusive... threatening to deprive him of his parental rights if he doesn't play ball. Yikes.

I would be looking at where else to stay.

I think it's emotionally abusive not to prioritise the welfare of your partner when she's about to give birth.

This is just about the one trump card the OP has over a man who doesn't appear to care about her feelings at all.

Dp is traditional is he? What marriage before having children? What about respect for your culture and consideration for your comfort at such a vulnerable time? Or is he traditional when it suits him?

This is ultimatum time, He needs to book his visitors a b&b nearby for the duration of their stay or you will move out for the duration.

Your first mistake was phoning her asking if you could get her anything. I would be focused purely on yourself. Let DH do everything if he's the one happy for them to come. Don't you lift a finger!!!

Just say no, and insist. Your DP needs to learn that this kind of thing isn't negotiable. Cultural norms are irrelevant. Your home, your post-pregnancy, your decision that your MIL's mate can't stay. Makes me angry on your behalf 😡

@MissScarletInTheBallroom I still think it's an abhorrent suggestion. So your suggestion is, in effect, that this man should have to go to court to prove paternity of a child we know is his and have the rights he's entitled to because his wife doesn't want a visitor to come to their home. (I don't think MIL should be allowed to bring a guest uninvited btw). But women who lord this kind of thing over a man give the rest of us a bad name. It's a manipulative and ghastly suggestion. Children have a right to know where they've come from. Threatening to make a man have to fight for his parental rights over a disagreement is just appalling.

Honestly, go and stay with your own family if that's an option. Otherwise, tell DH that if he doesn't tell his mother that friend cannot come then you will.

So the cooking, cleaning, hosting, meal planning etc etc as infinitum is completely up to DH, right??

He knows this???

If not, tell him. You'll be too busy with bambino to cater to the mil plus one.

Sorry but I’d go off my tits at this. I couldn’t think of anything worse than having MIL hovering whilst I was in labour, never mind any mates she dragged along.

It seems irrelevant if it’s his culture. It’s not your culture, and you’re the one about to have a baby so your comfort and privacy is paramount.

Coming home with your first born is time you will never get back. I wouldn’t be spending it bickering with DH about who should be hosting and any other issues that may arise with having house guests.

I’d be telling DH to fix this mess now. If he doesn’t, I’d be going to stay with my mum and seriously questioning the relationship.

Oh fuck no.

I would go somewhere else if at all possible.

Failing that, I would do absolutely zero to prep for their stay, or during their stay.

So I'd do what I would normally be doing if they were not coming/were not there. Absolutely nothing else.

Stand firm on this or this is a slippery slope to this kind of bullshit for the rest of your LIFE.

Wow I’d be fuming! I wouldn’t want her let alone a stranger ffs! I’d say this isn’t ok and suggest a hotel. Totally rude.

MIL shouldn't be coming at all, let alone bringing an uninvited guest.

Her partner needs to be nipping that shit in the bud right now, but he doesn't seem to want to.

The OP's welfare is more important than his "rights". (He actually has responsibilities, not rights.)

Of course her child will know where they come from. That's really not the point.

If you can't decamp to parents & they still arrive, get a lock on your bedroom door. You can then at least shut yourself away without worring she can just barge in.

And your partner can shop, make up the beds, cook & clean. Make him aware that you will be concentrating on the baby. He can host his mum, but your needs come first.
He is not to disappear for hobbies.
He is not his mother's taxi/tour guide.
You will not be run ragged whilst she sits & cuddles baby demanding tea/coffee/dinner (obvs I don't know your dp's mum but this would have been my MiL - hence she did not visit).

Best of luck 💐

@MissScarletInTheBallroom my point was directly related to your comment. And your comment was truly awful. Who threatens to deny someone PR over a disagreement? Shocking.

Even if he's game with that, in effect that would mean his paternity leave will have been spent catering to his overbearing mother.

My DH and I are from two very different cultures so we have to navigate a lot of differences but this what your DH is doing is just outrageous. I would have gone absolutely ballistic when he said it's ok to have this stranger in the house when you are about to give birth.
Do absolutely nothing for them. If anybody complains state you are obviously about to give birth and they have to take care of themselves. Your DH can host them. If you have already given birth by then just concentrate on you and the baby. Hopefully MIL is actually going to be helpful so you get to rest and eat nutritious food.
You do have to have certain conversations with your DH as you cannot keep living the way that whatever he says goes, that how things are done in his culture is the way you have to do them. You should be a team who discusses things and then you make decisions together.

What kind of a man allows his mother and her friend to come and stay when his partner is about to give birth and is very clearly uncomfortable with it? He's hardly showing himself to be good father material, given that he can't prioritise the woman who is carrying his child.

@Sapphire387 I'm not implying that he's making the right choice. I'm simply saying that threatening to deny him PR and saying he won't be put on the birth certificate is disgusting. It's essentially saying "I'm the mother and I don't like what you're doing so I'm going to make you fight for your legal responsibilities regarding the child"

Not a fucking chance. Either he tells her she can't bring her friend or you change the locks and the lot of them can fuck off.

Is it possible to stay with your mother?

Or can you afford a cheap airbnb in the area for the duration of their visit? Even just to call his bluff "if your mum and her friend are more important than me I've found an airbnb I'll be stopping at for the duration of their visit. I'll let you know when I'm giving birth to your baby."

"She shouldn't need to ask" in whose fucking world do you not even need to ASK if your friend can stay at the house of a woman giving birth imminently????!!!!

All of this. You need to speak up and put some boundaries in place

Fuck that, if you dont put your foot down now he's going to constantly override your wishes and comfort forever.

Tell him he got his way with his mother. If he allows this to happen then you will be going to stay elsewhere until she's gone. Either with family or a hotel. Whatever.

You have to make this point to him. He doesn't have your best interests at heart.

Christ on a bike some people/cultures are so fucking insensitive. I am a very sociable person (well used to be) but I even hated visitors until I stopped leaking from every orifice. DH needs to intervene here.

It's not uncommon for a woman to be on the point of giving birth or have just given birth and find out that actually her partner is a total shit.

If I were in that position and I had a good reason to doubt whether we had a future together or whether he would be a supportive parent I'd think seriously about protecting myself by leaving him off the birth certificate until he'd proven that he wasn't going to be a deadbeat.

Sure, it's a drastic move, but I think a man telling his heavily pregnant partner that not only is his mother coming to stay in THEIR house and there is to be no discussion about it, but she's also going to bring a random friend and there is to be no discussion about that either, is absolutely fucking appalling.

I'd echo what others have suggested about the OP going to stay with her family if possible, but why should she have to leave her own home with her newborn baby just because her partner can't prioritise her and her needs at such a vulnerable time?

OP needs to make it clear that there will be times when he needs to choose between his mother and his partner, and if he can't choose his partner when she is giving birth, the family they are creating together is off to a very bad start.

Sorry you married a spineless mummy's boy.

Read MIL the riot act.