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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL coming to stay with added extra

567 replies

Babycatsmummy · 26/04/2024 19:12

I'm heavily pregnant with my first baby and always knew that my MIL would be coming from Italy to stay with DP and I. We've had many arguments about when that time would be.... he is very traditional and wanted his mum here for when the baby arrives, but I wanted her to come after his paternity leave so we could get used to the huge change in our lives and bond with our baby.
In the end i felt like I really didn't have a say, tickets were booked and she's arriving imminently.

I called her to ask if she needed me to get her anything as I was going shopping and she dropped the bombshell her best friend is coming back with her and staying for a few days, she will share the guest room with her. I was taken aback a little as obviously, at the moment my emotions are all over the place and I'm spending the majority of my time walking around in my big nanna knickers and vest tops as pretty much just resting as it's all I want to do. The thought of added guest, someone I hardly know and having to look after them as well has really upset me.

I asked my DP if he was aware and he said he wasn't, but what is the issue? She's a very close family friend so his mum shouldn't have to ask. I pointed out it's respectful and courteous- this isn't her home it's ours and I could go into labour at any point now. The best friend has her own family in the area she could stay with so I asked him if he could just politely ask his mum to see if the best friend could stay with them and he's refused.

I feel really upset and a little put out that DP isn't seeing things from my perspective and is siding with his mum. He's told me I'm not being fair!

Am I being unreasonable to asks he stays somewhere else?

OP posts:
Original poster
Babycatsmummy · 27/04/2024 00:25

Thank you all so much for your replies. I've been sat here tonight getting myself a bit upset about the situation because I'd come to terms in my head MIL was coming but the friend bombshell has completely flawed me!

MIL also has no return ticket booked and is telling everyone she's staying for 3 months which is really bothering me. My family are starting to feel like they are coming second and I'm battling with them trying to tell them they definitely aren't. They've said coming over will be awkward as MIL is very much a dominant person and when I announced my pregnancy she gave me her views on how I should do things and even forbode me from buying anything remotely baby related.

DP and I have never had any issues in our relationship otherwise, but his mum is a subject that's off limits if I feel like she's upset me.

We live in a very small flat, it is 2 bedroomed but it's going to feel incredibly claustrophobic.

She's also under the impression she's coming to the hospital with us when I go into labour but I asked my best friend to also be a birthing partner for me as my DP isn't good with with medical situations and she's been amazing in helping me prep for birth. He is ok with this, but won't tell his mum she can't come to the hospital with us. I've also said that whilst I'm in I don't want visitors because she's going to be at our home anyway and will be seeing the baby alot more than anyone else but he is more concerned at how disappointed she will be at not being the first to see her grandchild.

It's such an overwhelming time, I just genuinely thought he'd be a bit more supportive towards me and meet me somewhere in the middle but it's all about his mum.

OP posts:
Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 27/04/2024 00:33

In light of the new information, please go and stay with your family for the period of the birth and immediate recovery. She sounds like a nightmare and both she and him are self absorbed and selfish to do this to you and your baby as you adjust to a new chapter in your life. She's had her day, it's your turn now and you should be captain of your own ship. Please stand strong, know that you are not the one in the wrong and so many women on here wish you well and that you find your voice to speak up to put an end to this madness. Good luck and be with your family, they sound lovely.

Daisymae55 · 27/04/2024 00:34

Your MIL and DP are being so thoughtless and selfish. This is the point where dp should be prioritising you and you alone. I can’t think of anything worse than having anyone stay with us at the end of my pregnancy/just after birth, let alone with them bringing a random along with them!

Id leave do to deal with them and go to a family’s/friends house to relax while your DP gets his priorities right

Apolloneuro · 27/04/2024 00:38

You don’t have to flounce. I’d calmly explain that I am unable to live with this and that I am moving in with my family for a few weeks. Tell him you’ll be back when the baby is a few weeks old and he’s welcome to visit you.

Pregnancy and labour is really stressful. It’s goes how you want it.

crumblingschools · 27/04/2024 00:39

Tell the midwife team who you want and don’t want near you when in hospital

Apolloneuro · 27/04/2024 00:42

One more thing. This matters because if you don’t set your boundaries, your next 20 years will be a nightmare.

Dartwarbler · 27/04/2024 00:43

crumblingschools · 27/04/2024 00:39

Tell the midwife team who you want and don’t want near you when in hospital

This
absolutely insist staff keep mil and any of her hanger ones out of the ward and birthing rooms

athis has nowt to do with him frankly.

you cannot have a house guest in a2 bed flat for 3 months with a new baby and post partum.wtf. He is not supportive. I’d be questioning the whole fecking relationship with a husband that agreed to that.

Dartwarbler · 27/04/2024 00:55

How about moving your birthing partner or your own mum into your spare room first? Tell “dh” that you need your mother / birthing partner more than your mil, so it’s only fair.
get mum to come now and tell him she’s staying for3 months ?

Anonymous2025 · 27/04/2024 00:56

its cultural . You both need to learn to give in a bit . I wouldn’t change anything for mil or guest . They are adults perfectly fine to take care of themselves. In fact let them take care of you .

Fraaahnces · 27/04/2024 00:58

Holy shit, you have some terrible people in your life. You’re about to have a baby. You feel vulnerable. MIL announcing she’s coming to stay for three months to mark her territory is NOT okay. Bringing her friend, also NOT okay. Your husband is a coward and needs to tell MIL she and her buddy are staying in an air bnb and she is absolutely NOT staying with you when you come home from hospital - nor should she be fantasizing about being allowed in with you while you give birth. If he doesn’t, you’re going to have to - forget what he and anyone else may say or think about you, you are not going to have a chance to establish breast feeding or bond with your baby with these vultures around. Also, what kind of help are your family? Can you go directly to them from the hospital if MIL still hanging about? Speak to your midwife about what’s going on. This is ridiculous.

Ponderingwindow · 27/04/2024 01:04

A “cultural difference” where the heavily pregnant woman’s wishes get completely ignored.

put your foot down and tell him explicitly that the extra guest is not welcome and will not be admitted. You should have been more forceful about his mother’s visit but that moment has passed.

JFDIYOLO · 27/04/2024 01:27

Time for a heart to heart with your own family. Tell them exactly how you feel about your wet selfish mamma's boy partner completely bulldozing over your feelings in favour of his mother and a complete stranger. This is a time for privacy and healing and bonding as a new family. Not for too many people in a too small flat.

Please ask them your doctor and midwife etc to intervene for you. You should not have to be fighting a battle.

If this happen as he wants, it will set the tone for years to come.

alrightluv · 27/04/2024 01:35

Omg this is horrible. I definitely agree with staying elsewhere. You have an OH problem not just mil.

Codlingmoths · 27/04/2024 01:48

I too think you should go stay with your family, leaving asap with no return plan. Tell your dp he would obviously rather live with his mum and it’s more important to him his mum be happy than his wife giving birth to his baby so they can all fuck off.tell
him if he had penis cancer and it was huge and tender and he could only walk around in jocks inviting your mum to stay would be a shitty thing for you to do but here he is not giving a shit how you feel.

Sparsely · 27/04/2024 02:19

If your husband wants to be a good father, he needs to understand the baby's interests and your interests are the same thing in the early days.

It is not in the baby's interests to be in an overcrowded household with a stressed out Mother who is uncomfortable with living with strangers.

Ask him what's more important, being a good father or being a good son? If he says the latter just go to your Mum's.

Dashel · 27/04/2024 03:15

I would also move out at least temporarily. You need somewhere that feels safe and you can bond with baby and recover.

I think your DP needs to decide where his priorities are and if that’s not you and the baby then you need to decide if you can put up with this behaviour. Can you go and see your family this weekend and talk things through with your friend?

If he won’t look after you when you need it most then how much does he really care. Not stopping his mother coming to the hospital just makes him more of a coward.

I think you need to stand up for yourself firmly and insist if MIL stays in the house you won’t be.

Greengumby · 27/04/2024 03:35

I think your family is raising concerns because they are on the outside looking in, seeing how you are being treated and knowing that this is beyond fucked up.
Pack your things, call your family, get them to come and pick you up and stay there… at the very least till MIL has gone home but I hope once you’re out of this situation you can reevaluate whether this relationship is really what you want for your future.
Your ‘DP’ is weak and doesn’t prioritise you, your relationship or your baby. If he can’t be there for you when you are at your most vulnerable, genuinely, what is the point of being in a relationship with him?

RoseGoldEagle · 27/04/2024 03:43

It may be their cultural norm- but it is not yours! And yours is the one that matters when it’s your house and your baby! Say NO OP, don’t let them trample all over your boundaries.

anon4net · 27/04/2024 03:45

This would be absolutely a no from me and I am/was very laid back compared to what seems to be the norm.

Your dp has 2 choices

  1. Accept you will go to parents/sister/friend for the first two to three weeks after having baby. A place you can sit comfortably in bed, or the garden, rest, feed in privacy if you want and not have to cater to guests. He, his Mum and her friend can have your flat.
  2. He tells his Mum she can come when baby is 2-4 weeks old, stay for 2 weeks and best friend can't come. Oh yes and that his Mum must book a return fight before arrival.

The end.

Do not accept this @Babycatsmummy it will only be the start of no boundaries and being pushed into things you aren't comfortable with as a Mum otherwise.

ButterCrackers · 27/04/2024 06:05

Babycatsmummy · 27/04/2024 00:25

Thank you all so much for your replies. I've been sat here tonight getting myself a bit upset about the situation because I'd come to terms in my head MIL was coming but the friend bombshell has completely flawed me!

MIL also has no return ticket booked and is telling everyone she's staying for 3 months which is really bothering me. My family are starting to feel like they are coming second and I'm battling with them trying to tell them they definitely aren't. They've said coming over will be awkward as MIL is very much a dominant person and when I announced my pregnancy she gave me her views on how I should do things and even forbode me from buying anything remotely baby related.

DP and I have never had any issues in our relationship otherwise, but his mum is a subject that's off limits if I feel like she's upset me.

We live in a very small flat, it is 2 bedroomed but it's going to feel incredibly claustrophobic.

She's also under the impression she's coming to the hospital with us when I go into labour but I asked my best friend to also be a birthing partner for me as my DP isn't good with with medical situations and she's been amazing in helping me prep for birth. He is ok with this, but won't tell his mum she can't come to the hospital with us. I've also said that whilst I'm in I don't want visitors because she's going to be at our home anyway and will be seeing the baby alot more than anyone else but he is more concerned at how disappointed she will be at not being the first to see her grandchild.

It's such an overwhelming time, I just genuinely thought he'd be a bit more supportive towards me and meet me somewhere in the middle but it's all about his mum.

Agree with everyone who says to tell the medical team to not let your mil near you in labour and afterwards. Tell your mil that she and her friend are not putting a foot inside your flat. Tell your dh to arrange a hotel. If he does nothing and lets his mother and friend stay then you stay with your family. After the birth once you are recovered get legal advice on moving forward as a single mother.

Mumof2girls2121 · 27/04/2024 06:11

You can tell the midwife you don’t want her there and they will get her to leave.
my MIL was a pain in the arse when I had my baby. You will find your voice once the baby arrives, don’t let her take over. Good luck

DoreenonTill8 · 27/04/2024 06:24

Apolloneuro · 27/04/2024 00:42

One more thing. This matters because if you don’t set your boundaries, your next 20 years will be a nightmare.

Absolutely this, am sure read a post recently where the dgc go and spend ALL holidays abroad with the gp as its 'tradition' and if the mum wants to spend alls with her children she needs to go to the inlaws home...

DoreenonTill8 · 27/04/2024 06:29

Just saw .... THREE MONTHS?!! (At least as no.return ticket) she's going to move in and you'll be expected to be greatful! Get your family over, clear the bed from the spare room and fully nursery-fy it so they can't stay there..... how lovely of your family for the surprise!...

BarbaraWoodlouse1 · 27/04/2024 06:34

Go to your mum’s. Leave him to host. Tell your Mother-law you need some peace before baby arrives.

BarbaraWoodlouse1 · 27/04/2024 06:38

No pregnant woman wants a stranger in their nest. It’s against all animal instincts.