Being sent a sympathy card with inappropriate comments

[notedbiscuits]

This person is a former friend and colleague. She has done this practice of sending sympathy cards to people she hasn’t spoken to in years. Again with unsympathetic comments. I know she looked through the death messages in the local rag.

The thing - card about a relative that I lost in January. Hardly anyone knew about the death.

The message is inappropriate and upsetting. Not spoken to her in 9 years as I got fed up with her racist attitude.

On a few occasions she has turned up to funerals sitting near the back. Again why?

She’s 73, married.

I don’t think I’m the one to tell her that stop doing this hurtful things.

Because she's a nasty cow who gets off on causing upset. Try and forget it. Bin it and ignore. I'm sorry for your loss

That sounds bizarre- what did she say?

Sorry for your loss 💐

She sounds very strange. Like some sort of grief stalker.
I would bin it and not acknowledge it at all.
Sorry for your loss.

Is she called Martha by any chance... and does she not have an iPhone?

😆

I don't know. Some cultures, and some just individual people, feel it is their civic duty to send condolences and/or attend a funeral if there is a death in their community. Others are just vultures. I wouldn't take any notice of her card, and put it in the bin if it upsets you.

You could also consider tightening your social media settings if you think this is how she has found out about your bereavement.

How strange, what kind of comments are written? I’ve heard of people turning up to funerals, but a funeral service in a church is open to the public so you can’t stop anyone doing this.

Just ignore it she may have mental issues just bin it and move on

Well, there’s nothing particularly unusual in sending sympathy to cards to people you’re not in touch with, or checking the deaths in papers (my parents, in their late 70s, early 80s, check RIP.ie everyday, and are great senders of cards), but what kind of unpleasant thing is she saying in the cards?

What kind of comments does she make in bereavement cards? What an odd thing for her to do. If I was bothered by what she'd written I'd write her a letter and remind her of all the inappropriate things she's done and how much she wasn't wanted at those funerals. Someone has to say something.

Block and ignore. Instinct tells me she wants a rise out of you and reaction. I wouldn’t give them to her

What kind of inappropriate thing?

"I'm glad they're dead they were a waste to society" - obviously wrong

"It's been a long time and hope this card finds you well. I was sorry to hear about X. I've been ill myself and near death" - could be considered inappropriately making it about themselves...

I think sending cards to people you haven't seen in years is lovely thing to do. I recently heard of an old school friend dying leaving young kids behind so i wrote to her husband and told him some memories i had of her as a young women. My hope is that maybe her kids will read it some day. Many people go to lots of funerals, it's my dad's whole social life!

The inappropriate message is a different story - you'll have to tell us what it is surely before anyone can say if they think its reasonable or not.

Depends totally what she said. It’s always hard to write a personalised message for such cards so if it was genuinely meant but misjudged I wouldn’t be too hard on her.

OP, we need to know what the message was.

Don't engage, bin it, forget it, move on. Nothing to be gained from engaging in that conversation.

Sending a card and sitting at the back of the funeral both seem very normal to me. So it depends on the card really.

How bizarre. If the contents of the card is verbally abusive or threatening you could report her for malicious communication or harassment or whatever. She sounds utterly vile.

Don't engage with her at all, but you could put an anonymous message out locally about the fact she's a funeral crasher who should be refused entry. That and possibly contact 101 and say she's been harassing people via letters/cards.

She must have a very sad existence to do these things. I'm surprised she's married, I wonder if her husband is oblivious or just doesn't care?

I send sympathy cards to people that I have not seen in a long time or whom I don’t know that well if I am aware of their loss. It’s possibly an “old fashioned” thing to do. It’s not that unusual to read the deaths notices in the local paper. When my DM died my DF and I got a lot of cards from people who had found out that way. They were appreciated. Even the few where the sentiments were clumsily expressed.

It is hard to tell from your post whether the comments are outright offensive or just somewhat misguided/clumsily worded. If the latter I’d just try to ignore and move on. If the former then I do think someone needs to warn her to stop before she gets into serious trouble. Possibly a solicitors letter. But only if you are sure she is being actively malicious rather than just a bit out of step.

I am sorry for your loss.

Sounds like my late husband's ex. (She's now with her 4th partner. No, I didn't break up his first marriage. She did that all by herself.)

We'd got to the stage where we were at least civilised. I even felt sorry for her when her 3rd partner died and took her to hospital for an appointment. (We're in Scotland; their kids were down south.)

For years, I cared for my parents and my husband. On more than one occasion, she said to me "You must be the same as me - sick of dealing with the dead or dying." Each time, I bit my tongue to keep the peace with the kids.

DH died during lockdown. She represented the kids at the funeral. (After I agreed, I found out that it was her idea.)

She turned up on my doorstep 3 days later. She was "just passing while walking the dog". (She lives in another village - when she's not up north in her partner's village.) Inane chat while I was in a daze and then "Can I ask what you're doing with [DH's] ashes?"

I bit my tongue again. I bit it once more when DH's DIL told me that the ex was "devastated".

Just over a month after the funeral, I finally cracked. The kids and the adult grandchild cut all contact with me.

A friend described the ex as "a grief whore".

I think that's what you're dealing with, OP.

She's a technophobe so no SM accounts

You can’t stop someone attending a funeral unless they have a restraining order! And sending a sympathy card isn’t ‘harassment’ unless what she’s writing in them is threatening, but the OP hasn’t told us what she writes, apart from saying it’s ‘unsympathetic’.

And is her name Martha?!?

What were the comments?

Would you feel able to elaborate on what you mean by 'inappropriate comment'? You don't have to repeat exactly what it said if you don't want to, but do you mean she writes something genuinely and deliberately nasty and cruel?

Or do you just mean that it's something well-meaning but tactless? Or just that it's inappropriate to send a card at all to people she hasn't spoken to in years?

I think that if she's sending ordinary sympathy cards to people she doesn't speak to and turning up uninvited at funerals, that falls into the category of weird/a bit creepy and maybe tipping over into the sort of obsessive, boundary-crossing behaviour I'd expect from someone who is possibly moderately mentally ill. (Not that this makes it any less creepy for the for the person on the receiving end, of course.)

But if she's sending cards and writing messages like 'I'm glad your relative's dead and I'm laughing at your grief' then I'd say the vile old bag needs locking up.