Being sent a sympathy card with inappropriate comments

[notedbiscuits]

This person is a former friend and colleague. She has done this practice of sending sympathy cards to people she hasn’t spoken to in years. Again with unsympathetic comments. I know she looked through the death messages in the local rag.

The thing - card about a relative that I lost in January. Hardly anyone knew about the death.

The message is inappropriate and upsetting. Not spoken to her in 9 years as I got fed up with her racist attitude.

On a few occasions she has turned up to funerals sitting near the back. Again why?

She’s 73, married.

I don’t think I’m the one to tell her that stop doing this hurtful things.

Fully agree with this sentiment.

The world is so cold right now it makes me shiver.

@RememberTheTorch I’d be touched to receive one at that time. Don’t second guess yourself, it would nice for me to hear DH hasn’t just been forgotten, other people close to you move on so quickly so a random card at that time would be lovely.

The message doesn’t sound inappropriate - a little bit of a cliche but it’s clearly meant to be sympathetic.

I thought it was going to say something horrible about the deceased or you.

I agree it probably felt weird to receive something from someone who you are not close to or didn’t expect to know about the loss.

Could she just be socially awkward / autistic or something?

Or is she unpleasant in other ways?

What you’ve received does make her sound a bit tone deaf, but not malicious.

I’ve come away from this just feeling a bit sorry for her, though maybe that’s misplaced!

It wasn't even badly worded. The OP on the other hand managed an impressive display of casual ageism in her 3 posts.

I would block and ignore op. At best she is lonely, mentally ill, unbalanced, in a terrible marriage, and this keeps her mind off her own life. At worst, she is a spiteful cow who enjoys upsetting people.

Edited to say: pls ignore what I have written above! Sorry but I don’t find what she has written to be that offensive. Am I missing something here? She’s probably just got too much time on her hands?

I am sorry for your loss. I do sympathize with you over the card, aa I prefer to grieve in private, and hate intrusiveness. However, the message does not seem malicious, though it may be tone-deaf. I would ignore it and try to forget it if you can.

I once made a similar mistake. I sent someone who was grieving a sympathy card that had a rather syrupy poem in it - you probably all know the poem
because it’s on a lot of sympathy cards. The person I sent it to was livid and I was mortified because my intentions were good, or so I thought. I put their anger down to grief but it still hurt like hell.

You didn't make a mistake

You chose a card you felt reflected your feelings

They reacted badly, maybe due to grief. But even if it was due to grief they should have apologised later - "I'm sorry I shouted about the card. That poem has sentimental significance to me. I reacted badly as I was caught up in my grief. I didn't mean to upset you, you were being kind. Thank you for the card"

This thread is a difficult one. The OP is adamant the woman is sending cards and attending events inappropriately, but hasn't provided enough information, context or details as to why the actions of the woman are inappropriate, apart from she's been asked to stay away, but hasn't. She says she has made racist comments. We have to take that at face value. On the face of it I can't see why the woman's actions are such an issue, there must be more to it that the OP hasn't explained.

Why should somebody else above you in your chain absorb the cost of YOUR damp house? Or the people below you?
You sound greedy and entitled….

Urgh the racist comments put an entirely different spin on it again; sorry missed that.

Racist comments according to the OP who also said a seemingly innocuous message in a card was 'inappropriate'

Telling the woman not to attend work functions is the inappropriate conduct in what the OP has written imo.

Stalking? I’d be tempted to report her for harassment or pay her a visit to let her know these cards are inappropriate and her turning up to funerals!? Perhaps she is going through some sort of mental illness related to her age

Me and DH are doing something similar. Direct cremations actually. (Already paid for.) Our adult children and their partners know about this - and are fine with it.

It's not so people don't have to go miles and miles across country to come to our funeral. It's because we don't want people who haven't been fucked with us for the last 10 years or more, and don't give a shit if we live or die (and don't actually know if we're still alive even,) coming to our funerals and pretending that they care.

Basically showing their face for the funeral and the 'wake' afterwards, and staying on to see if there's anything in the will for them. I don't want anyone that's not been bothered with me for more than 10 years, turning up to my funeral with their fake mourning. (And neither does DH!)

I hate it when people attend funerals of people they've had naff-all to do with for more than a decade. You didn't care about them when they were alive, why do you suddenly care now? Also, turning up to a funeral of a person you didn't know? WTF is that all about? Why do you assume they would want you there?

'I've come to pay my respects' some people say. LOL yeah sure Jan. I bet you don't even know what that sentence means.

As for the 'funerals are for the ones left behind' brigade. It's MY funeral, MY decision. And it's already booked and paid for. (Direct Cremation... Me and DH.) As I said, our 2 adult DC are fine with this.

I'm pissed off with the comment 'your family should be allowed a funeral after you have gone, funerals are for the living lalala' when someone says they are having a Direct Cremation. No-one ever bashes people who say they are having a big funeral, and says 'why don't you just have a Direct Cremation?!'

Leave people be. Respect their decision and quit slating them for it. People have very personal reasons for wanting Direct Cremations. Stop trying to make them feel like shit by demanding they have a big funeral for the world and his wife to attend!

I think you don’t like the old lady, that’s okay too but doesn’t look like she said anything inappropriate

What on earth has this got to do with the topic? Were you intending to post on a different thread?

What was the comment? I seem to be the only person who can’t see it?

I don't think you can report someone for harassment because they sent a sympathy card with a slightly awkward message and sometimes attend public funeral services.

I mean you could try, but you'll be laughed out of the police station.

Agree emotional vulture types are out there - completely ignoring people, leaving them out, clearly not having their best interests at heart ....but somehow popping up to spy on them and collect information about them!

It's icky and dehumanising. Keeping a bit of an information blackout on your business is often helpful.

The modern thing now is parasocial relationships - people who get obsessed by information about someone on Facebook or SM (not professional celebrities and entertainers) and then start inserting themselves into their personal lives or comments section as if they are friends!

Yes they might be mentally vulnerable, but that doesn't take away the fact it's creepy for the people receiving it (especially if they're feeling vulnerable too).

I was sadly at a funeral of a really lovely colleague before Christmas. She was only 40 and we were all and still are devastated. An ex colleague who had never had any emotional connection with her came to the funeral. She had not contacted anyone at work about how colleague was throughout her illness. She came to the service and made loud noises about how awful our place of work was .Absolutely disgusting and shameful.

I think it's very much typical for that generation and honestly what you received wouldn't bother me. I would be pleased to be thought of. She did no harm, she sent a card. Try to just accept you are different and her heart was in the right place whether it's what you like/would do etc., or not.

Well, I only said it was normal where I live because I don't live in the UK 😂

I was touched to get sympathy cards from people I didn't expect to get them from. Old friends and acquaintances bothering to get in touch helped me feel better.

When my DF died I got a sympathy card from a man I had never heard of, who spent a couple of months with DF in the air force, in the 1950s! I was so touched I wrote a note back to thank him.

OP no doubt would have been horrified!!!

Is this a widespread thing?