Being sent a sympathy card with inappropriate comments

[notedbiscuits]

This person is a former friend and colleague. She has done this practice of sending sympathy cards to people she hasn’t spoken to in years. Again with unsympathetic comments. I know she looked through the death messages in the local rag.

The thing - card about a relative that I lost in January. Hardly anyone knew about the death.

The message is inappropriate and upsetting. Not spoken to her in 9 years as I got fed up with her racist attitude.

On a few occasions she has turned up to funerals sitting near the back. Again why?

She’s 73, married.

I don’t think I’m the one to tell her that stop doing this hurtful things.

And that's absolutely fine if the bereaved person is from the same culture as you, and will therefore be expecting to see people at the funeral who weren't invited and who they haven't even spoken for ten years and aren't friends with.

But if the bereaved person's culture is that funerals are a more personal and intimate thing, and sympathy cards are something you send to relatives and genuine friends (rather than an ex-colleague you aren't close to and in fact don't even speak to) then to them, it might seem very odd and intrusive for you to just turn up at their parent's/sibling's/grandparent's funeral.

I've got friends that I very rarely see, but because we go back many years and are still really fond of each other, and because we all know each other's parents, I will of course not find it weird if they send me a card or come along to the funeral when my mum or dad dies (even if I haven't seen them for years).

But if one of my parents died and suddenly there at the church I saw someone I used to work with, was not a friend and who I hadn't even spoken to since the day I left the job in 2009 and certainly hadn't told about the death of my parent that they'd never met, I would think they were batshit crazy.

The card is now shredded. What she wrote was something on the lines of “time heals old wounds” and you will get over this.

My colleagues, former colleagues and myself have asked her not to come to retirement/leaving/milestone birthday dos anymore as twice she went to them and didn’t talk to the person in question’s do at all - not even a hello or goodbye. That’s insulting

I think I would seal it back up and write return to sender snd send it back.

I would post it back to her.

I think that's fine but coupled with some of the other behaviour the op described changes things I think.

Again, this is fine IF THE FUNERAL IS THAT KIND OF FUNERAL and that is the behaviour expected by the family of the deceased. But lots of funerals are not like that. Not all funerals are like Catholic funerals in Catholic countries.

I, for example, have never in my 48 years been to a funeral that took place at normal daily Communion service.

In fact, I've only ever been to one funeral that was even in an ordinary parish church, and that was the funeral of a family friend when I was a teenager. Every other funeral service I've ever been to has been a) in a slot specifically booked for the funeral and nothing else and b) at a crematorium chapel. All of my four grandparents' funerals were secular and conducted at the crematorium by a Humanist celebrant. My uncle's funeral was conducted at the crematorium by his son-in-law who led some prayers and stuff, but he's not a priest.

Ah come on you made it sound like she wrote that she’d be dancing on dead relatives grave!!!

You obviously don’t like this woman, nothing she said in the card would have been ‘appropriate’. I agree it’s stupid that she even sent a card but shes just a 70-something old biddy, her minds probably not all there. It’s not even worth a thread on here, just ignore her.

Oh, I hate this kind of comment but it's very common. You have to let these ones roll past.

In a similar but different way, I've often seen really interesting threads on facebook/twitter about what to say/not to say to cancer patients. The basic point being that oftentimes the comments are well meaning, but astonishingly gauche.

I also hate people who turn up at events and don't speak to the host/guest of honour. But again, it's surprisingly common. A lot of people have very poor social skills.

is this woman single?

That isn't an inappropriate comment for a sympathy card.

It's definitely odd that she sent a card in the first place, but that's a very normal thing to write and clearly not intended to be hurtful.

After your last update I've decided it's a 'you' problem. That comment is very common in sympathy cards. You clearly don't like her and nothing she does will be acceptable.

The comment isn't the best but its not terrible either. I think you are being very overly touchy about this.

That comment wasn’t inappropriate tbh, she’s old, she probably knows a lot of people who have passed away, it’s probably supposed to be comforting. She’s odd yeah but it’s not some kind of poison pen letter. I think maybe you grief has made you very sensitive, I’m sorry for your loss.

It is weird. Why would you do that out the blue

While I don't think her comment is something I would have written, I don't think its awful or innappropriate and certainly I got odder comments in cards and letters when my husband died. Was your relative's death in the local paper? If it wasn't, do you know how she knew? Actually I have to say that I was amazed how the grapvine shared the news of my husband's passing even though I kept it as private as I could.

That’s irrelevant. Funerals in this country are public events, anyone can attend no matter where they are held.

That's not an inappropriate comment. You just don't like it because you don't like her.

OP I fully understand why the comment felt inappropriate.

It may have been well intended but it suggests it’s something you will ‘get over’. When it’s not an inconvenience to get over. It’s about honouring and cherishing that person, who is irreplaceable.

She may have meant well, but I guess if she’d actually known you or your relative better she might have chosen her words more thoughtfully.

Can see why you and your ex colleagues aren’t keen on her given her other behaviour, too. We don’t know her, but for you this another unwelcome imposition from someone who has form for it. I would find it odd that she has got in touch in this way too. Maybe she is lonely and not very in tune with other people.

Hopefully that is the last you’ve heard of her. She sounds like a nuisance.

That's not rude though.

Return the card with "no longer known at this address" on it.

I’m confused… she’s an old lady who has attended a few funerals and sat at the back? Totally normal.
She learned you’d had a bereavement and sent a sympathy card with a comment about time healing .. totally normal.

What am I missing here? ????

It’s not irrelevant in the context of the posts Kreed was replying to

And the discussion wasn’t about whether it’s legal to go to any funeral you want to and neither introduce yourself nor offer condolences. It’s whether it would be considered polite / the norm, and how it’s likely to be received by the bereaved. It’s a question of etiquette, not legality.

Hmmm I think you purposely misrepresented her message in cards.

That’s one of those comments that’s quite annoying when you are grieving and don’t agree with it. But it’s not ‘an inappropriate comment’

You don’t like the sentiment she put in it. I don’t like it either, because it’s not true in my experience. To be honest, people saying ‘sorry for your loss’ pissed me right off. But it doesn’t have malice behind which is definitely the way you presented it in your Op. as though she was sending cards to be purposely rude or nasty to people.

and going to funerals of people you haven’t seen for a few years or family members of people you know but haven’t seen for years isn’t that unusual. Not what I would do, but I know loads of people that feel you should go to a funeral if you have any connection at all.

I’ve voted yabu after that last update. I can’t see anything wrong with it.

Oh and someone must be inviting her to these parties.

I can’t quite believe she goes through death notices all the time and knows exactly who it related to who and can consistently figure out if she knows a relative.

But I also don’t believe she just figures out there’s a party at an old work place and just shows up.

That doesn't sound rude, she sounds like she struggles with social skills and you and your colleagues are ostracising her, which is a form of bullying. The card was possibly an attempt to reach out as she may be confused as to why you no longer talk to her and have ordered her never to come to events anymore. Unless there's a big dripfeed coming.