Being sent a sympathy card with inappropriate comments

[notedbiscuits]

This person is a former friend and colleague. She has done this practice of sending sympathy cards to people she hasn’t spoken to in years. Again with unsympathetic comments. I know she looked through the death messages in the local rag.

The thing - card about a relative that I lost in January. Hardly anyone knew about the death.

The message is inappropriate and upsetting. Not spoken to her in 9 years as I got fed up with her racist attitude.

On a few occasions she has turned up to funerals sitting near the back. Again why?

She’s 73, married.

I don’t think I’m the one to tell her that stop doing this hurtful things.

yes, I belive that some council employees who are involved with dealing with public health funerals do the same thing. Its not a part of their job, there is no expectation on them, they do it our of a sense of caring.

My takeaway from this is that the OP just doesn’t like this lady. Her behaviour and the card are totally normal and the thread title is a little dramatic and misleading. I wasn’t expecting the lady to have sat at the back at a few funerals or sent a sympathy card saying time heals etc. Was near expecting her to have wrote something horrible about the deceased or danced on someone’s grave.

Maybe there’s more details or a big back story but from the OP has provided I’m not seeing what the issue is with this lady at all

i assume at 73 this is an EX colleague? therefore probably not being bullied by not being invited to work stuff?

I have the same experience with older people who are religious and believe in praying for the deceased at funerals even if they didn't know them. It happens a lot in small villages and no-one thinks they are intruding or being disrespectful.

Thank you! Some of these comments are mad. You don’t have to stay in touch with an ex colleague forever if you don’t want to

"I don’t think I’m the one to tell her that stop doing this hurtful things."

Why not? Someone should.

I'm sorry for your loss @notedbiscuits .

If you have her postal address, I would start sending her a card a month or a fortnight. First few would be funny cards like "Best of luck with your Driving Test" and "On your 16th/18th/21st Birthday"
Next would be "Good luck with your retirement"
Next would be "Sorry you're under the weather"
and so on.

Card factory is great for cheap greetings cards.

Leave the inside with whatever message comes printed on the card.

Then sign off "A friend".

Post them from random post boxes in your area.

The key thing here is to have a bit of fun at her expense. All you're doing is sending her cards. Not being malicious in any way.

Bog standard comment. I think you just don't like her.

How is that inappropriate or upsetting?

I thought it was normal for the host/hostess to welcome people not the other way round. Well nothing wrong with going up and saying hello but it is on the host/hostess not the guest.

"Time heals all wounds" isn't a great thing to say to the recently bereaved, but it's not out of line and unlikely to be ill-intentioned.

It's like someone saying something about God's will or whatever, which can be frustrating/upsetting to hear if you're not into that sort of thing. It's just a bit of cliché.

Your post made it sound like she was saying something terrible like "I will dance on their grave laughing".

Wtf? This woman hasn't done anything wrong.

You sound a bit batty, tbh.

That is horrible. Poor woman told not to attend events and then people being malicious because that is malicious.

Some of the responses on here are horrible.

What happened to good faith in people's best intentions?

Feels like people increasingly default to find offence and break social links when they're not doing any harm.

I have had a loss of losses in my life and I have no idea why you'd find her comment inappropriate. I wouldn't be insulted by that at all. She's right, tjme does heal. I think you just don't like her and are looking for an excuse to be angry with her. It's fine not to like somebody but to pin it on a completely appropriate comment in a card that was meant with kindness is a bit off tbh.

that's nasty, could be classed as harrassment

What an absolutely bizarre post, and completely disproportionate to anything this woman appears to have done.

Absolutely.

Can't believe someone is suggesting harassing a 73 yr old woman.

So the problem is that you don't like her, so you're choosing to be annoyed or assuming ill intent.

There's nothing wrong with saying time heals old wounds. It's a perfectly fine phrase and most definitely helped me to have an optimistic outlook.

I don't particularly want to hear that it's going to be painful forever.

It is malicious and creepy.

That's just deliberately nasty. What this woman has done is misguided at worst.

I don't understand what is wrong with that message. It sounds like the sort of standard thing people come out with - or am I completely wrong?

On for God's sake! 'Time heals' is not inappropriate. It's annoying when you are grieving but then many many things are triggering if you are going through a loss. Every time a nurse or friend said 'at least she is comfortable' when someone in my life was dying I wanted to punch them in the face. Or 'relax and it will happen' if you are experiencing infertility. People say these kinds of things all the time, I'm sure everyone on this thread has some personal examples. YABU

Geez that isn't inappropriate! It's a little clumsy but it's the kind of thing people say when they don't really know what else to day (and despite death being so common, no one ever really knows what to say)

And going to funerals isn't weird either. We went to our neighbour's funeral. His family didn't know who we were and they came and ASKED us...

Absolutely batshit. What on earth makes you think that's even vaguely proportionate or relevant?