Being sent a sympathy card with inappropriate comments

[notedbiscuits]

This person is a former friend and colleague. She has done this practice of sending sympathy cards to people she hasn’t spoken to in years. Again with unsympathetic comments. I know she looked through the death messages in the local rag.

The thing - card about a relative that I lost in January. Hardly anyone knew about the death.

The message is inappropriate and upsetting. Not spoken to her in 9 years as I got fed up with her racist attitude.

On a few occasions she has turned up to funerals sitting near the back. Again why?

She’s 73, married.

I don’t think I’m the one to tell her that stop doing this hurtful things.

Bin it (but take photos of it just in case her creepy behavior continues and you need evidence).
Ignore her
Sorry for your loss.

Even if the bereaved person is someone you aren't friends with and haven't spoken to in a decade, and their relative is someone you've never met and you only found out about the death by reading the paper? I don't think that's normal at all. I think it's intrusive and creepy.

In many cultures, including mine, it would be very normal to go along to the funeral of someone you haven't seen in a long time, or to the funeral of a close relative of someone you haven't seen in a long time. Especially if you live in the area and can just pop in and sit at the back of the church.

I tend to think sending a card is almost always a compassionate thing to do. Obviously, the inappropriate comments however are another thing. What is inappropriate about them?

As for the funeral - anyone can attend a funeral. I have been quite bemused to hear people say, "but we didn't invite her to the funeral". I didn't even know that was a thing until fairly recently. I have a few lovely but buttoned up English friends who I've learnt feel this way but it makes no sense to me - I was brought up with anyone who wanted to turning up, which does tend to make catering for the wake challenging.

Yes, absolutely. Mine too. You said it much better than me.

Some random people turned up to my mum’s funeral who none of us knew. They didn’t introduce themselves or offer condolences. Just lurked around the back of the church. Found it odd as fuck and kind of rude.

Was it a church service? Some people go to Mass daily, some days it's 10 o'clock Mass, some days that Mass is a funeral Mass. In that case, you're invading their space rather than the other way round.

😂😂😂

Yeah right. It was a funeral mate

I'm serious, churches are open to the public. I had a great aunt who went to Mass every day, she didn't turn around and leave just because it was a funeral. It's very normal. Nothing about nosying at a funeral, and everything about attending their religious worship as usual.

Sounds like she’s perhaps a bit unstable, or just plain odd. Usually best to ignore people like that than to give them the reaction they’re looking for.

Obviously I didn't mean invading in the sense that you were doing anything wrong, but odds are they were there the same time, same place the day before and the day after. You were the interlopers, they were the dedicated congregation.

Waiting to be invited to the wake, free food and drink.
Weirdos

@FinkleFlint but maybe they knew her? Are they not entitled to come to grieve, you dont own her life. Not introducing themselves is odd but it's not always possible to do this if the bereaved family are surrounded and it can all be very socially awkward. I thought it was lovely to see people I didn't know at my mother's funeral, it made me feel she was more than just my mother and her life had touched so many others along the way.

We’re not catholic, and the people I’m referring to were there for the funeral

And I’m telling you, that as the immediate family of the deceased we found it odd and kind of rude that they didn’t bother to say hello to us – the bereaved – or offer condolences

Take or leave the information

@LandArt this is true. But the organisers of the funeral could turn her away if they knew what she looked like? I did say that if the communication was threatening she could contact 101, which is also true.
It doesn't help that OP wasn't more specific about the content of the card. I know writing them can be difficult for some people but it would appear this was purely in malice?

Ok, fair enough. Can you be sure they didn't know her? I wouldn't expect to recognise everyone at a funeral tbh.

It happened to me with a christening. Normal church service and halfway through we all had to turn round to the font (at the back) and welcome little Archibald and listen to all the vows. So his parents and their friends and relatives had randomers like me at their ceremony.

Is she trying to get back in touch with you.

I'm Irish and although I'd never do this, so things have changed, my parents acknowledge the deaths of so many people they hardly know.

Definitely sounds like a weird fetish

Can you give an example of the inappropriate messages, OP?

Well yes, that is rude. If you attend, you should sign a visitors book or great the chief mourners and express your regrets. Turnign up isn't the rude part though.

OP what did the cards say? Don't leave us hanging!

Obviously inappropriate comments are way out of order.

However checking the Obits column in the local paper is not unusual, when you get to a certain age. Found myself looking and have found out a couple of deaths where I knew the person who had died, but not their relatives.

I have also sent cards to people I know whose relative had died but I didn't know the deceased, and I have also sent cards / emails to people I don't know when i did know the deceased. As a mark of respect and regard.

This way well be a generational thing or a simple age thing. I don't find it creepy in of itself. However of course inappropriate comments are totally wrong and I'm so sorry you have received this card .

It's kind of telling she doesn't specify, though -- the title says 'inappropriate comments', but the body of her post says 'unsympathetic' and 'upsetting'. But then she also appears to think that this woman attending funerals is 'hurtful', so who knows? This could be anything from perfectly ordinary cultural behaviour (my parents are of this woman's generation and attend a lot of funerals and send sympathy cards), to grief vampirism, to a rather cack-handed attempt to get back in touch with people.

Without knowing what she said it's hard to know if her comments were hurtful or they just triggered something within you.

Going to funerals and sending sympathy cards on the surface of it isn't inappropriate behaviour.