Being sent a sympathy card with inappropriate comments

[notedbiscuits]

This person is a former friend and colleague. She has done this practice of sending sympathy cards to people she hasn’t spoken to in years. Again with unsympathetic comments. I know she looked through the death messages in the local rag.

The thing - card about a relative that I lost in January. Hardly anyone knew about the death.

The message is inappropriate and upsetting. Not spoken to her in 9 years as I got fed up with her racist attitude.

On a few occasions she has turned up to funerals sitting near the back. Again why?

She’s 73, married.

I don’t think I’m the one to tell her that stop doing this hurtful things.

Are you ok?

Not so.

It's quite possible for a funeral to be made "family only" and invitation only, particularly at a crematorium. (That was even more so during lockdown.)

I voted YANBU then I read your update and think YABU. That is not a terrible thing to write in a card, she's probably speaking from experience.

You can't keep someone out of a church though.

You certainly could during lockdown and I dare say that it's possible to keep someone out of church during a private service.

ETA Ushers certainly do that for wedding services.

That just sounds slightly emotionally tone deaf, rather than inappropriate. Likewise not talking to the principals at an event. She probably learnt that you send cards when she was young, so that's what she does.

My culture is standard white lower middle class British, insofar as anyone is. The Royle Family could have been written about my dad's family. And when we held his funeral we publicised it as widely as we could do that anyone who wanted to could come - and we very much appreciated every card and we'll wish, regardless of tone, though perhaps as an autism-heavy family we're more tolerant.

The church was standing room only, we knew perhaps half the attendees at the funeral, and most came at least briefly to the wake. Lots were old colleagues, ex club friends, an old school friend, people he'd shared a hobby with years before...

You don't own the memory of the deceased, only your own grief. Perhaps she genuinely thought the card would be a kind thing to send. People who avoid you after a death are far, far worse.

Churches were closed during lockdown. It wasn't normal.

You sound absolutely bonkers. And that is malicious, cruel and uncalled for.

When my Grandma died one of her neighbours from her retirement village, who she barely knew, came to her funeral. I thought it was a lovely thing to do, and that she was paying her respects to a neighbour.
It never occurred to me to be offended!

Lockdown was a completely different kettle of fish
Churches are open to anyone who wants to enter.

return card addressed to her dh and just add - more appropriate sent to you

I don’t know if people think they’re funny or what but things like this just show the person in a bad light…

I can’t quite believe she goes through death notices all the time and knows exactly who it related to who and can consistently figure out if she knows a relative.

My father, early 80s, does this on a weekly basis. Then argues with me when I tell him so-and-so has died and he'll say, "But they CAN'T be - I didn't see a notice in the Herald, etc, etc". 🙄

Anyway, the message OP's nemesis included in the card is trite and twee, but not "inappropriate". Probably fairly typical of the type of thing you get in a bereavement card. Even eloquent, thoughtful people sometimes struggle with knowing what to say/write in these situations.

From the OP, I thought the message was going to read something like 'Ding dong, the witch is dead' and it's hardly that.

I can assure you that lockdown or no - if I had asked for a particular person to be removed from the crematorium chapel at my husband's funeral, that person would have been removed.

Ditto, the church where my wedding took place.

You're wrong.

Her messages are a little inappropriate but probably well intended. I know when my DH died people said all sorts of things I found upsetting in their attempts to show kindness and compassion, but I know they were all coming from a good place.

There were also people I’d never met who he hadn’t seen in decades that sent lovely messages of memories and kind wishes and who came to the funeral.

You clearly didn’t like this woman before the death and that is massively affecting your judgement now. She really doesn’t need to be told to stop anything as you’re unlikely to ever hear from her again. You are not feeling hurt purely as a result of her going to funerals and sending condolences cards.

This^
also it’s very tricky to judge funeral etiquette sometimes. Yes, the bereaved might be upset to see certain people there but the deceased might be excited that they came.

The card is now shredded. What she wrote was something on the lines of “time heals old wounds” and you will get over this.

What's inappropriate about that? It's not quite my style, and a little old fashioned, but I've had similar sentiments in a sympathy cards and thought nothing of it.

I genuinely don't understand what this woman has done wrong @notedbiscuits

There's zero reason to remove this woman from funerals open to the public unless she's disrupting the services in some outrageous way.

Just coming in and sitting at the back is perfectly acceptable and respectful, and is likely intended as supportive.

https://farewill.com/articles/can-you-legally-stop-someone-coming-to-a-funeral

If it's an open service, then anyone can attend. However,

'One way to avoid having to deal with an unwanted guest is to have a completely private funeral. Usually it’s only a few family members and close friends who come to this sort of funeral.

Be clear in any announcements about the death of your loved one that it’s by invitation only.'

Sorry OP. You have imo got this wrong. The writing in the card isnt inappropriate. These cards are difficult to write and we aren’t all eloquent. It is entirely normal especially in earlier generations to pay respects to someone you maybe knew in the past, or knew slightly. Funerals are open to all and not invite only. Maybe she is lonely.
On the other hand our local neighbourhood funeral director says that there are funeral groupies, who go to many funerals a week just to get a free lunch.

That's not an unusual comment OP, very inoffensive really

She sounds a little socially awkward and lonely. She is trying to do the right thing by attending funerals, sending cards (this would be totally normal where I come from), and going to social events. And instead of being inclusive and tolerant, you and your mates at work have ganged together to exclude her and bitch about her. Honestly, I think she is coming off better than you are in this OP. You obviously dislike her and it is making you behave unfairly towards her.

I really hope the name marta won’t be the next Karen. It’s a beautiful name

YABU I'm afraid after seeing that comment.

Maybe she is an annoying person, but there's no reason to be offended at that at all, it's a totally normal if very generic and impersonal comment (which is not from surprising from someone you didn't know well). I'd let it go, you're not speaking to her anyway so I wouldn't give it any thought - just be glad she didn't turn up to the funeral, I suppose!